Being in a relationship with someone with untreated ADHD has been compared to being in a relationship with an alcoholic, where the non-addict spouse almost inevitably becomes somewhat codependent. The codependent non-addict spouse falls into a pattern of "enabling" the addict by rescuing them, by cleaning up after them, by picking up the slack etc. Because of this enabling behavior the addict doesn't have to face the consequences of his own actions, and therefore is never motivated to change his behavior.
The obvious difference between an alcoholic or drug addict and a person with untreated ADHD is that one is an addiction to a substance, whereas ADHD is a a behavioral/mental issue.
I have recently become separated from my ADHD husband, his idea not mine. I am learning more about codependency and I'm actually feeling quite guilty for enabling him, and also for the nagging and criticism. I'm feeling guilty for the possibility that I was preventing him from helping himself.
So my question is: do you think a person with ADHD can improve on their own when there is no one to clean up after them, or not? (In other words, how much am I responsible for his continuing/worsening ADHD symptoms?)
Interested in hearing your thoughts!
LOL! I understand about feeling guilty
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
thisistheend,
I am feeling guilty - three years ago I pulled the rug from under my ADHD spouse. I had realized I was bending and swaying to his beck and call, picking up all the responsibility for our lives, and being controlled by his anger. I have apologized to him over and over for the upset in our routine that was caused by my enlightenment. I did the changing.
Well, today I did push him into talking - he was doing some stuff that was causing me a great deal of stress - building shelving in the 'temporary canopy' he had constructed in front of our barn last November when he worked on his truck. It is a huge tent, lined along the insides with more hoarded junk and stuff. The hoarding behavior has been a major bone of contention in our relationship. Shelving makes this tent a permanent fixture. The barn behind it is full - thus no space to work on the truck, thus the need for the temporary canopy.
I feel guilty that I can't fix this. I feel guilty that I failed at marriage. I feel guilty that I feel guilty.
I guess my introspection on your question - I think they can make it on their own. My spouse has developed coping mechanisms for the past 50 odd years of his life. Improve? Maybe my spouse will be happier being alone with his stuff. In MY eyes it will not be an improvement. Thus he always says the problem in our relationship is he will never measure up to my impossible standards. As was the usual cycle in our disagreements, he refused to look at the issue that was causing conflict. He wanted to focus on something he did for me last week. I told him I really appreciated it.......but I wanted to keep the focus on the conflict. The calmer I tried to stay, the angrier he got. I told him I would not stay in a discussion where he was screaming at me at the top of his lungs. To which he responded a few hateful things, "Go ahead and run away." plus "I wanted to leave you before our daughter wedding anyway." Then he went outside.
I keep reading ADHD information that claims he does not 'choose' this behavior.
Well, I just cannot deal with it anymore. And here is the kick in the pants - I will have to do all the work to get this separation done. Probably the reason I have been mentally avoiding it for so long.
I hope he will find happiness. It is not the style of happiness that I find life enriching for me. I slowly let go of my life for him - my friends, my family, our bible Study group, I just backed out of doing things with them as it was too awkward for me . . .and we could never find anyone who he liked. Crazy, I was crazy.
That's my spin on it anyway!
I'm So Exhausted,Thanks for
Submitted by thisistheend on
I'm So Exhausted,
Thanks for the reply. I know what you mean when you say you would be having an argument and he would want to focus on something he did last week for you. During my break-up my husband said he had tried so hard to make me happy, and done so much for me. His example?...buying me a bottle of wine now and then. It makes me so sad, because in his mind this probably was a big effort on his part, and I probably didn't show enough appreciation. But to me it would have meant so much more for him to do the dishes regularly or clean up after himself or take the garbage out before it smelled so bad that I did it. Buying me a bottle of wine isn't enough to make a person happy, when there are so many other issues and resentments built up. It's not that easy, right? But I do feel bad that he felt so unappreciated. I guess we both did!
It sucks because I still do love him, and there are so many things I could have done differently, and would do differently if he had given me the chance. Looking back I remember early on in our 9 year relationship I did quite a bit of research into ADHD, and tried to get him to read some books, but he never would. His excuse was that he couldn't read a book because of his attention issues. But later on I somehow forgot what I had learned about ADHD, maybe because it was too hard to go it alone, and the relationship just kept deteriorating over time.
An afterthought
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
thisistheend,
I find it unfathomable on my end where I find myself today - I grew up in an alcoholic home. I was oblivious to it for 18 years of my life! When I finally understood what was going on, I moved away, started going to Alanon - and have been going on and off for the past 30 years. That's why I find it ironic I am in this situation. I did too much, enabled, and now I've got a big mess on my hands.
Probably one of the meanest things my spouse flings at me in anger, "I'M NOT YOUR DAD. You are taking out your anger at your Dad on me." Odd. I forgave my Dad, he apologized, and apologizes over and over, plus he has been sober for 23 years. My spouse is very angry at me that I have worked through my stuff with my Dad, and it is in the past. Memories - not open wounds. He thinks I need to be angry at my Dad for 'what he did."
Somehere deep inside, I do love my spouse. I do not WANT a divorce. I gave it my all to create a relationship where we could at least get along. That only works if I never have an opinion, never disagree, and just function as a non-entity. that keeps the peace - but I can't do it anymore.
Hard to understand if I am keeping out of an argument - or am I just stuffing my feelings? I really am not sure.
I feel like you wrote what I'm feeling
Submitted by Rh on
Hi I'msoexhausted....which is how I feel most of the time with my husband.
I'm so hurt the past couple of days. I feel like I'm always in the middle of some game I'm playing of trying to guess his moods and keep him in a good one. When he explodes at me like he has yesterday and today, I begin questioning whether I'm actually in an abusive relationship or not. And it hurts so deeply and I'm so utterly exhausted that I regularly contemplate leaving though I hate resorting to what I feel is an extreme. There are so many levels of how confusing and screwed up this whole thing is that I don't really even know where to begin. I'm so tired.
The more I try to understand him, the more confused I become. We took the online seminar with Orlov which was amazing and things got a lot better after that for a little while. It also helped me to have a lot more compassion and understanding of what it must be like to live in his ADHD fog everyday. Sometimes I feel so sorry for him, but then I get angry because he is SO defiant that he adamantly refuses to get any kind of help. He self-medicates with marijuana which I hate and no matter how much we talk about it, he just keeps doing it and doesn't care how I feel about it or what it does to him and our marriage. He doesn't seem to see how drastic his mood swings are when he comes down from his high and that is when he becomes a controlling dictator and has cruel explosive outbursts. He doesn't hit me or anything, but sometimes I wish he hit me instead of the outbursts....at least then it would be easier for me to justify leaving, and I doubt would hurt as much as his words.
I'm a Christian which adds another dimension to our relationship. For one, I get angry with God that he created my husband the way he did. Then I think about the beauty of marriage and what it represents and how we refine one another, and I think about how refinement can be a painful process so I think "well, dealing with his behaviors is just part of each of us growing" and lately especially I keep trying to look at myself and how I can respond differently and how am I growing or changing for the better? It's hard to only look at myself and not look at his deficits, but it helps me a lot when I look at each situation as an opportunity to grow closer to God and to grow stronger in my faith and as a person. Another part of this is I get angry because even though my husband is a Christian too, I don't see him being convicted of many of his behaviors or changing or desiring to change. I will say that our faith is what keeps us loyal and committed to our marriage. We both married with the agreement that divorce is not an option.....but, my God, the temptation is on me everyday...and I have just recently resolved that no matter what pain this relationship brings to me that I will no longer threaten to leave; I'm praying that makes a difference somehow.
The other pressing piece which is pretty huge is that I just finished earning my MA degree in counseling and I'm absolutely enthralled with marriage or couples counseling. I LOVE it. so,...I guess one can begin to see the problems this might present. I feel called and that my passion is helping other couples make it, but my own marriage is the hardest thing I've ever experienced in my life. I've always thrived on challenges so part of me wonders if I was attracted to my husband because of the challenge the relationship presented...which I feel in hindsight I was blinded to when we were dating. If my marriage doesn't make it, what will that mean for my career; and my reputation in our community? Also, and I really want to believe this isn't true, but I swear that because of my career choice I feel like my husband is taking advantage of how he treats me, like I'm trapped and he can treat me however because of what it would mean if we split up. I am really resenting him lately for this. It just seems to be getting worse. And he has such a domineering and controlling personality that this is just too easy for him.
I know I'm making him out to sound like an animal, but the truth is that most of the time he is such an amazing guy, and we get along so well sometimes that I wonder how I was ever upset with him or wanted to leave. I often feel like I'm losing my mind or being yoyo-ed. This is what makes me question if I am actually in an abusive relationship because it can be so great, and then so awful where I feel worthless. He has such difficulty expressing his thoughts; I think his brain works faster than he can articulate in words that it's like it builds up and he explodes to try to get his thoughts across. And it hurts so much.
We both love to travel and just had the opportunity to go on a four week road trip cross-country which is something we've both dreamed of doing. As much as I love to travel, we have very different ideas of what that means for each of us so of course there will be differences during the trip, but I feel that we both try to accomodate what the other would like to see and do pretty well. The problem with my husband is that, even though he loves to travel, he also cannot handle any change to his routine or feeling out of control and of course that is what happens when you travel so what could be a fun and relaxing getaway for us is almost always a stress-induced, walking-on-eggshells, hoping the bomb doesn't drop ordeal. At times he does seems to relax and I begin to let my guard down and we really enjoy ourselves then what seems like out of nowhere is a rant about someone's driving, or rules he doesn't like, some perception of how I inadvertently wronged him, or you name it, he explodes. And usually at that point I've let my guard down a lot and have become vulnerable so when he explodes I feel destroyed. On top of that he is very pessimistic and seems to thrive on misery and making those around him miserable....well, except when he's around certain people. It's so hard to not get sucked into his misery. During my internship I learned about 5HTP which is a natural supplement for mood stabilization and I was so hopeful that he would try it and it would help him, and HE DID. I couldn't believe it, but that was short lived. He found some excuse to not take it which breaks my heart because it really seemed to help him.
I know from Orlov's book that his outburst are a symptom of Adhd, but I believe he has a comorbid dianosis in regards to his extreme irritability and outright defiance. he refuses to get treated because he doesn't want to take meds, but his symptoms affect our marriage so much. I feel like it's destroying me. I just want to have a happy marriage; I realize that all marriages have disagreements and arguments, but surely they can be more sane and understandable than what is happening between my husband and I where I am relentlessly trying to keep him redirected to the actual subject rather than everything else he tangents on.
He treats me like I'm out to get him all the time, (which I think is part of that paranoid defiance) but the truth my thoughts usually (and sadly) revolve around what is going to make him happiest even to a fault.....and what is so bitterly frustrating and painful about this is that no matter what I say or do it is almost always the wrong thing or has the potential to be the wrong thing depending on his mood which is completely unpredictable. And that would be why I'm wearing myself out ..because I can't predict his moods, which I realize is a selfdefeating pursuit, but he will find some way to blame me for something anyway. At this point I feel numb, and I haven't spoken to him today because I'm so very tired of it being wrong; I almost feel paralyzed. In response to me not responding to him today, he took my cell phone and smashed it with a hammer. Does that give you an idea of what I live with? Impulsive hostile negative miserable unpredictable attitude.
Dear God, what am I to do? The sad thing is that I know I would be fine on my own without him, but in general we have a pretty good life together and have similar goals and dreams, and I would be giving up so much more to leave him than I would gain being on my own without him, even with his intermittent hatefulness. I realize I'm not an angel in this either, but I have diligently worked to become a great wife to him despite these trials and I feel like I'm just getting punched in the face and treated like a doormat when his ADHD flares up. I hate it so much. It shatters my heart. I feel like it's destroying me.
He just gave me a half ass apology for screaming at me last night and today and asked if I wanted to talk, but I don't even know what to say anymore. He's leaving for a fishing trip the next few days, Thank you dear Lord for a break from him and hopefully some time for clarity, wisdom, and refreshment. If you're still reading up to this point, I saw you said that you lost most of your social life because of him; I feel the same way. It's just easier than always explaining. It's like my husband has some social anxiety..or maybe it's just the impatience because he can't stay any one place for too long which is always awkward and I often feel rushed because he can't enjoy things like other people do. He won't watch movies with me. Basically, most of the time any activity we do has to be his choice or he won't go, or he may go adamantly stating that he plans to leave early. It's so embarrassing. I hate being embarrassed of my spouse. It's so humiliating.
Another painful aspect of this is that I don't feel like there is anyone I can really talk to about this who understands. People just don't get it; especially with him looking like such a cool fun guy from the outside...if they only really knew. Plus, two of my closest girl friends have a type of ADD so how could I vent to them? And my other closest friend who I feel like I can say anything to is single and her last relationship was with a physically abusive man which she has still not recovered fully from, so she has a skewed perspective of men right now and I feel like I have to protect her fragility. She is also not a Christian so I don't feel that she would hold me accountable in a way that I need. I could talk to my cousin, but I think she would just tell me to get out instead of being objective. His family gets it, they even warned me before we married and asked me two separate times if I knew what I was getting into and was I sure? Damn my pridefulness.....did I know and just thought I could change him? Sadly, his family would understand if I did leave. Part of me feels like he is worse because of the attitude of his family...I wonder what it was like growing up? Was he criticized a lot?
Sorry, it's time for me to go to bed...and honestly I could write a book. God help us all in these marriages. That may be the first question I ask when I die, WHY ADHD? ...well, more specifically why the NEGATIVE aspects of adhd? why God, why? I don't know if I would do this all over again. I often wonder what my life would be like had I not gone on a second date with him. The first date was full of enough red flags I should have ran then. :( Sorry this is all over the place. any and all prayers appreciated.
Was marriage meant to be this difficult?
just realized I was enabling
Submitted by squirrel on