Submitted by mennen on 08/06/2009.
Well I guess that anyone who have read my prior post know that my marriage was in danger due to my 36 years of not knowing I had ADHD, Well it won, my wife is leaving me, and to make matters worse she had a affair. I know that we must move on and to keep on our med's so we can still improve our self but I feel like my whole life is gone. Im not only losing a wife but im loseing a family, we have to children togeather and I wont be able to tuck them in evry night or kiss there them when there hurt, Im not sure I can survive this and its only getting worse.
you have two choices
Submitted by george on
You can feel sorry for yourself and blame the world and everyone for your current challenges (very easy to do in your current circumstances), or ...
You can step back and take in what happened and why, and then chart a course to correct the actions (and lack of actions) that contributed, over all these years, to your current dilemma. With a new course, you will likely be able to continue to be a father to your children and a reasonable partner to whomever you might find in the future. You need to come to grips with the fact that you didn't lose your wife, you actively and passively drove her away. You need to fully understand how your actions and inactions affect others (wife, coworkers, children, friends), and correct them. Awareness is a good start, but it sounds like from reading your and your wife's posts, that you did not quickly enough turn awareness into action.
Treating ADHD is not just being aware of the symptoms and how they manifest themselves, but treating yourself (via meds, exercise, diet) and then learning how to change behaviors that have become habits over an entire lifetime. Yes, unfortunately, meds and other ADHD "cures" allow you to start changing behaviors, but do not in and of themselves make the changes for you or start to solve most of your problems (Let me be clear - I am NOT against meds for treatment of ADHD - they are in most cases required and in many cases extremely helping in allowing you to work at changing your habits).
Who knows, if you change your behaviors and the attendant outcomes radically enough and quickly enough, your current wife might notice and change her mind before the divorce runs its course. But, that should NOT be your expectation or even your goal, it just might be a pleasant collateral outcome. If you make it your goal, your wife won't believe the effect will last (you have given her ample reasons to doubt you over many years). But you will end up as the person you want to be, the father you hope to be, and the positive ex-husband partner in raising your children. Divorce doesn't allow you to abdicate responsibility for your children, and that responsibility is best exercised when you have a positive intra- and post-divorce experience.
Your choice. Wallow in self pity (and be guaranteed the outcome you dread). Be the man you want to be, and increase the possibility of saving your current relationship (from near zero) and to ensure that any future relationships will not suffer the same fate.
Sound too harsh? Sorry. But I wish someone (besides my wife) had sat me down and read me the riot act. I could have saved one marriage, and not caused my second/current wife a decade of intense pain and anguish.
ps If you want to know what actions/inactions to change, peruse the forums here. Many partners of ADHDers have been quite clear, but their spouses don't/didn't get it. I didn't for the longest time. And get help.
ty
Submitted by mennen on
George, hey thanks for the wake up, I have been doing my best to become not only a better person, but also a better father and husband. Its just a very long and difficult thing to do. But i do plan on coming out of this a happer man no matter what it takes
I am glad I didn't create this post
Submitted by ADDisNotMe on
Based on george's response, I was right on track to this forgone conclusion. I may still lose my wife, and believe me, I have not felt this kind of pain for a long long time.
It's encouraging to have found this site (again) after a year of diagnosed ADHD and only meds but very little action on my part. Time to wake up. The medication helps me focus but in the end its only a crutch. I hope against hope that I can gain the trust my wife needs from a partner before our relationship turns to "divorced with two kids". Even if she just can't go back, I can't continue this way. I have too much at stake. She is inextricably linked to me and will always need to depend on me to take care of my boys and consequently my life. If in the process of finally dealing with my problems I manage to build a loving relationship with my wife, I would consider it my greatest achievement ever.
I can't do it without professional help and a lot of work. And, as far as I'm concerned, she owes me nothing; but her support could make it so much less daunting.
I think ADHD is a just label for behavior. If ADHD were actually something it might care whether it wins or loses. I'm glad you have come to realize as I have that you can change things. It could be the most difficult and rewarding thing you have ever tried to do.
Hello- Wife left too
Submitted by tracsport on
Man, I can totally feel you on this.
I am going to counseling (we have tried marriage, and single counseling) and it took 3 tries to find a winner and finally have someone that understands me, and not tell me I am weak, immature, cant focus, not able to get it together etc....
With that being said, I have a feeling my own marriage is on the outs. My wife has been living with her family for a month, or so...and my kids are with her. I missed Christmas, and she has told me she is happy up there, because i am not there to mess things up.
My wife views adhd as a situation,I am dealing with, and I need to fix. I needed her to leave in order for me to grow up so to speak, and become a man, and recognize I had a problem and I am was not fixing it. I did not know what the problem was either, which was hard. Now, all the conversations we have are based around "why didnt you fix this in the past?" she has told me she knew I was demented and sick in the head and I did not go get help.
With that being said, I told her if you dont love me anymore, then so be it. I love her, and the kids but I am learning that you cant make someone love you, especially after you hurt them. I will not live in past mistakes, I will not try and justify my behavior, because I have to move forward and be the best man I can possibly be. I miss my kids, I miss my wife, but I cant change anyone but myself.
Divorce is looking more and more like it is going to happen, it scares me, but all I can do is be consistent, fair, and work hard at being the best I can be, and in turn not worry about others who are trying to push me back.
I feel for you, I feel for the situation, my counselor has been helping, but I wish my wife would get counseling too, to deal with the fact she cannot let go of things, things I said, did or whatever 4-5 years ago. They seem to fuel her anger, and give her reasons not to come home.
Oh well, I just wanted to add that.
Ryan