So, some background. DH and I have been together for 20 years. Married for almost 14 of that. For all of our relationship we have worked opposite shifts because, well that's just how the jobs go. Which was fine. After we got married we tried for almost 5 years to have children. Nothing worked except IVF. 5 children later (4 living as we had a daughter who passed) we are done with kids and love watching them grow. We still work opposite shifts however. That's the way seniority goes. I work days M-F and he works overnights Friday through Tuesday. Wed and Thursdays are his days off and it sucks for getting together with friends and family. It is what it is. The pay is good, health and retirement benefits are top notch! DH is home to get the older 2 off the bus every day which helps with daycare/babysitter costs! Not to mention they get some time with DH before I and the younger 2 come home for the day. Which is a positive and anyone who has multiple kids can agree I'm sure!
All of that being said, DH was diagnosed with ADHD around 20 years old. Instead of medication, he would "self medicate" to sleep at night by drinking. A lot. When we started dating that really changed because I'm not a drinker and well, it sucks to drink alone. Couple years into dating and a case of beer would last 3 months. If not longer.
3 years ago he took a new job (Yup, still overnight but this gives him the stability, better pay etc which I mentioned above). It's management and it's railroad. Anyone who knows anything about the railroad knows the mentality is worse than truckers. Between language to "You need to do" mentality. I have a friend who's husband is a police officer and (same hours) many a times she has to tell him he's not "Cop John" when he comes home. It's the "rough around the edges" or "foot in mouth disease". issues LOL.
With the ADHD and now having children that can be impacted by his "Foot in Mouth" or "Lack of having ANY tact" when he speaks it's harder for me to deal with. When it was just the 2 of us, that was one thing. There are many times I have to remind him that they are children, not adults and I'm his wife not a railroader. He understands and feels bad, but man oh man! Let me be clear, he simply speaks before thinking (tact) he's not a jerk although others who do not understand him think he is. He is a great dad, and the kids (8,7 and 4) give him hugs and kisses at night, before they leave for school (yes, even the 8 year old!) we say I Love you to the kids all the time. He will read them bedtime stories, and is happy that even though he works overnights he can be there every night for kids' functions.
What's really hard about the foot in mouth (not sure what else to call it) is no one seems to understand him like I do. I feel like I'm constantly defending him to others. My mother can't stand talking to him because she says he's rude, and she doesn't like "how" he speaks to me and the kids. Again, if I explain the ADHD and lack of being able to formulate a decent thought prior to speaking it at times I get the "don't make excuses for him" comment. I will admit, he is strict with the kids. Sometimes more strict that I would like. He has, what I call, the dad tone. "You need to sit on your butt at the table" "You want something, you ask you don't just go grabbing for it" He will be playing with the kids on the floor and sometimes it gets to be enough where the kids will cry but he keeps on. I have to tell him enough, let up. He's not hurting them by any means, but you can only be tickled so much. A month ago he spanked one of our kids once for acting up. I let him know I was not happy with that and it was completely uncalled for. He has never done that to our kids before. Then yesterday he was very frustrated. None of the kids were listening, and running around like kids in a candy store on a sugar rush. I could hear him on the phone telling them to calm down, they need to sit and wait for me (I was coming to pick everyone up for swimming lessons). Several times he asked them to calm down. One of the kids even said "I can run around the outside of the house to burn off some energy". When I got there, they were all getting in and one went to budge infront of his siblings. Like kids do. He told that child not to do that. 3 different times. Still, no listening so he grabbed the ear and said "these things are for listening". Our son said it hurt and cried. DH was like "I didn't grab it that hard". The look I gave him he knew....I told him he doesn't need to go to that extreme and he was like "If you only knew how these kids have been the last 2 hours". Um, yeah. I know. While you are sleeping on the weekends I'm alone with them all day. I know how they are. There are times he will make comments and think he's funny too. He told my mom a couple of months ago "I know what it's like to be old like you now". It's like Ummmm What? I even had to look at him and be like "hu?!?" He explained how he has started playing racquetball again and found he's not in as good of shape as he had hoped. Hence feeling like he's in his 60's. My mom told him that she could run circles around him and he said "Oh I don't doubt that one bit, I just feel like I'm in my 60's after I play not my 40's". Which is much better than saying "I know what it's like to be old like you now". Stupid. Several weeks ago I set something down on our antique kitchen table and our dog (whom we had to put down for cancer) had a massive bloody nose. I forgot the item I set down and it took a tiny part of the finish off. He flipped (loves his antiques). Later in the day I told him that you know what...it's a table. Yes, I get that you love the table and it's been in your family for 100 years, but it's a table nonetheless. It wasn't on purpose and you had no right to speak to me the way you did. He started to comment and then said "I'm not getting into this now" and we haven't spoken about it since.
Yet, one more example of his tact. He sent, on social media, a cartoon of neighbors being nosey to our one neighbor. A retired, but very spunky couple. They didn't understand the meaning of the cartoon and asked him to explain. He said "not you, the other woman". To which he meant me, and said I hope that's not us. She wouldn't answer or return any of his calls after that to attempt to explain. He meant we are over at their house a lot during the summer and he hopes that we are not being nosey. She took it as they are nosey and she said to me that she cannot believe I am married to someone who is so demoralizing like that. He did apologize in person to her and said that it was not meant in a negative way at all. That I do bring the kids over a lot during the summer and hang out with them quite a bit (they have a pool too) and he hopes that we aren't overstaying our welcome. She said it will be a cold day in hell before she invites us back over. Gee, thanks for that DH.
I do think some of tact is the job (he has to be a straight shooter. Ever talked to a cop, railroader, or trucker). The overnight hours, and his personality. I have brought this up to him before and he feels some of the strict kid part is because I'm not so he has to make up for both (TBH, the kids don't really listen to me lol. I have to ask several times for something to get done). Our ex sister in law (divorced from his brother and we still hang out with her) said of all her friends she feels we have one of the best relationships she's ever seen. I mean, is some of this just typical parenting that happens (I've been reading on that too and a lot of it points to yes) or is his ADHD causing some of this? I'm curious to your thoughts. Thanks.
ADHDmonto4
Submitted by kellyj on
Hi Momto4,
Since no one has commented or given their thoughts to you specifically in what you are asking about in terms of you childeren, since I'm an ADHD man and with some expereince in some of things ou said, I can at least tell you that some of that is as you said.."like shop talk, cop talk or "railroad" talk in a more ( male ?? ) way of speaking to one another on the job kind of way? That part, I'm familar with, and that part is just what it is I guess? The part about not being able to moderate that, or step out of that role..and then change or adapt to the situation now differently? I think there some ADHD stuff going on, and not realizing where he is, or who he is talking to? Or even with that incident with the nieghbors and the cartoon? That might have been funny, or even hysterical in the sense at work or between those co-workers only....but not with everyone else? That sounds more like one of those...."I was just kidding" moments, which really are...they aren't kidding and trying to "send a message"....without actually saying what that message is? Or rather...a surreptitious way...of voicing a complaint or something you don't like...while posing it as a joke...and pr-excusing yourself by saying "you know I'm just kidding right? " Well, in resect to the joke, or trying to be funny about it....that can be taken different ways..and Murphy's law says....it will be wrong one you can guarantee that for sure!! lol It is not a very up front or open honest way of communicating, especially if it is what your true feelings are....but presented as a joke when it's not joke ( and not actually saying what those true feelings really are. That is a recipe for disaster and when things can go horribly wrong. I think in that "world" of cop shop talk or bantering back and forth and hurling insults at each other...then that works out fine....but only when everyone is on the same page? In that world, or the world inside the men's locker room, trash talk and lack of empathy is almost a right of passage or test? Constantly testing each other as a sign of manhood? No time or room for any sissy girly stuff here....get over yourself..and quit being such a cry baby? If that sounds familiar? I guess you might say that "insensitivity" just goes with the territory? But if that's all you got, then you are kind of "one dimensional" at best? That may work...at work....but not anywhere else? The fact that you understand it..and see it that way is great. The fact that he...can't understand why that's not appropriate every where he goes...I think is why that's more of a problem for others...and less a problem for you? But it becomes your problem...if you are having to run interference and coming behind him and doing "damage control". At best, your trying to save your relationships as a couple, and he is operating "solo" there and I think that's the problem more than anything esle? Your problem that is...if you want any friends together or to keep the ones you have?
I do have one thing that I can relate with which is just a side note to this and I don't think this is completely out of character for your mom in this case. A little bit of that "no one is ever going to be good enough, for my baby boy or girl"....so I might consider that, and take that with a grain of salt? I got a fair share of that myself, and only in part or in some ways ...it might have some merit....but no one is every going to live up to a mothers expectations for their precious baby girl, and if "mom couldn't live with him and be happy, then how could you possibly be either????". That is just a no win situation...that is both annoying..and not really factual or based on reality? If you understand what I'm saying? LOL Your mom, doesn't have to live with him, that's the point? As long as you're Okay with it...then that not your problem either? Only your mom standing there telling you those things is the problem in that case! LOL (I feel your pain...if that is an accurate assessment! LOL )I guess my attitude towards that might say "sorry mom, for not picking the right person for you??"( as if it was your mom, who had to live with him ) LOL
I think as the bottom line here is....you are already said the answer...."Let me be clear, he simply speaks before thinking (tact) he's not a jerk although others who do not understand him think he is." Or "Again, if I explain the ADHD and lack of being able to formulate a decent thought prior to speaking it at times I get the "don't make excuses for him" comment."
From the sound of it, you are way ahead of the curve here and you are reading him and interpreting him correctly and what ( if any ) his true motives are? What it sounds like to me, from that place where I have been, is that it's not as much about not being able to form a sentence or prior thought as in thinking things through as much as that "being in charge, and being assertive and giving directions instead? A more typical male way of speaking to each other, but back to the locker room and everyone there is on the same page and talks to each other that way? It would not be very "manly"....to express yourself and your feelings in front of the guys, in that respect? To the point...that I think...a lot of men, do not poccess that in their repitore" in speaking in a more sensitive and feeling way? That has more to do with an inability to express your feelings....than it does not being able form a thought...as long as the thought comes with barking orders at each other, and hurling insults and passive aggressive tit for tat reparte.....as a means to do so instead? If you've ever seen the movie "A League of Their Own".....Tom Hanks was not kidding ( in respect to what I'm saying ) when he said. "There's no crying in Baseball?????" ( in abject horror to what he was seeing ) or the fact, that an emotional outburts like that would even exist?? Like..."I can't beleive you are crying??? OMG ...WTF is wrong with you!!!! ) As if, that...does not belong here!!! Which in repect to what I am saying....those unwritten rules of engagement and approachs ( and that style of communicating ) would be correct...but only in that situation..and not necessary outside of the Ball Park? I think that is only a problem, when you've got no other way to exress youself or where "sissy girly men" feelings and emotions...are strickly Taboo. From what I gather from my own expereince in the things you said? I get that...and I also get what you saying too. I hope that gives you some insight in the things you were hoping to get some clarification on? I'm just guessing off of the things you said?
J