Submitted by Allie Williams on 10/22/2009.
I am in so much emotional turmoil at this point in my life. I am engaged to be married to a man who while convinced he has AADD he is unwilling to accept or understand my frustrations and feelings on this. He has told me on multiple occassions that I am the one with issues. I feel like I am losing my mind, Its like I am always walking on egg shells until eventually I erupt in a fit of anger. I don't know what to do? I love him with all my heart but truly feel like I need to find a solution to this issue or leave. Does it get bettter, how do I handle this situation?
In denial
Submitted by Ladyflower1 on
It sounds to me that he is in denial. You say that he is convinced he has ADD, but I'm assuming he hasn't been officially diagnosed? And so he isn't on medication, correct? There was a time, before I was diagnosed, that I had convinced my husband that "he" was the one with the problem. He actually went to a psychologist who suggested that perhaps "I" was the one with the problem. It wasn't until I read an article, got myself diagnosed and on medication, and started reading/doing research that I realized the extent of the damage my "condition" had caused to my marriage. I could finally "see" what was going on and I am beginning to make efforts to learn to cope with my condition that will make both mine and my husbands lives better. It sounds like your fiancee is not at the acceptance step. From what I've read on these boards it sounds like a lot of spouses with ADD aren't there.
Looking at my husbands point of view I realize how frustrating it can be to deal with me. Before my diagnosis he had all kinds of "theories" about my behavior and memory problems (including drug and alcohol abuse.) But, on the flip side you have to realize how frustrating it is for the person with the ADD. Imagine having to write a grocery list to remember 3 things at the store and then still forgetting one of those things because you were focusing so intently on the other 2 and even when you looked at the list you looked right over it. Imagine forgetting to stop at the bank on your way home from work because you were thinking about what to make for dinner. Imagine forgetting to throw the clothes in the dryer so you have no dry clothes for work in the morning. Imagine hyperfocusing on the computer and before you know it 4 hours have passed. Imagine that you can't even remember what you had for lunch yesterday. Imagine "remembering" a conversation an entirely different way than your spouse does, but you both are convinced that the conversation went the way you remember it. This is a day in my life.
I wish I had some great wisdom to share with you. It took 5 years of marriage for me to come to this point that I can recognize and accept my ADD. I'm still far from perfect, but I'm working on trying to at least improve the quality of our lives. I hope everything works out for you and your fiancee.
suggest seeing a neuropsychiatrist
Submitted by arwen on
Allie, it sounds, as LadyFlower says, that your fiancee is undiagnosed. If that's the case, and he is "convinced" he has ADD, if I were in your shoes I would ask him to please see a neuropsychiatrist, and I would suggest you go with him, so that you and he are "on the same page". There are numerous disorders that can appear to be ADD, and are similar, but are not ADD. Online tests may give an indication, but are not definitive. A neuropsychiatrist can administer tests that will help determine whether your fiancee really has ADD, or something else, or no neuropsychiatric disorder at all (but possibly a neurosis). Other kinds of doctors may not be able to give you as accurate a diagnosis -- a regular psychiatrist or behavioral psychologist is often not as well versed in neuropsychiatric disorders, a family doctor's knowledge is almost always too superficial. Once an appropriate diagnosis is made by a neuropsychiatrist, he or she can recommend an appropriate set of choices for going forward to address the disorder. Medication and/or counseling would probably be suggested by the doctor. My personal opinion is that both are needed by most people with ADD, when they are not diagnosed until adulthood.
Good luck! Please let us know how your situation progresses!