Hi,
After several years, I've realized my partner is high-functioning ADD. He has blurts and doesn't hear me a majority of the time, although he tries to do well. My self-worth was very badly damaged, but I love him and I am realizing that I fell in love with someone with a disorder. I'm a professional, bull-headed type who has never responded well...but now I understand that he can't help it.
Here are my questions: 1) How can I make him realize that I want him to learn, but it's a two-way street? I have a therapist I'd love to share, but it's "leading a horse to water"...
2) How do I handle the hateful blurts? I'm an "affirmation" guy, which makes things very difficult.
Really, any help is appreciated - I'm new at this. I could use any advisement, but I probably identify best with the high-earner ADD spouses. The confused, German-car driving spouses that drink because they don't know why they're not up to snuff any longer. Please be direct and stay on track - let me know what's worked for you, and we can exchange experiences.
On your first question I can
Submitted by jackrungh on
On your first question I can only think to have a frank conversation and lead with the theme that you recognize your response to his behaviors has been less than productive. I can imagine that intro would ward off an instant defensive reaction. Then you proceed with idea that you want to begin working together to make things better, and talk about how that will require adjustments from both people.
I'm a man with ADHD and my primary love language is physical, with quality time as a runner-up. Most men I know, regardless of whether or not they have mental health issues, seem to follow a similar suit. The stereotype that men always want it exists for a reason, but why we always want to touch is a more complex, tragically under considered, and disrespectfully dismissed question. For ADHD guys with awareness issues, these two are "in the moment" languages. Affirmation, gift giving, service: these are things you plan and take initiative towards. Touch and time can often (not always) just happen, and for someone with blinders on those acts may more frequently come into frame.
The outbursts are troubling. If we've been talking about languages of love and affirmation being a more deliberate action, then these comments are a language of deliberate hate. I don't really have much experience here and just hope you guys can have that calm discussion. It sounds like learning to communicate honestly and directly towards one another without getting into the weeds or putting up walls could be the primary way through to healing. This is something I myself struggle with. I don't feel like my wife and I have the tools to begin that kind of healthy conversation.
My strongest bit of advice for you? Get into couples counseling with someone who can teach you both a framework for productive dialog. My psychologist has often spoken of a particular method called IMAGO that seems to be effective for many, but I have no experience with it. I'm just starting to think about the path to couples therapy myself.
P.S. I rarely drink and my German car with after-market performance modifications has long since been replaced by a Honda Odyssey.
Mental resilience
Submitted by sunlight on
On the basis of ADHD being present but non-diagnosed and not managed, and on the basis that your partner is as invested in the relationship as you:
If you have not already raised the potential issue of ADHD, take the time beforehand to clearly analyze and evaluate what you must have from the relationship, what are negotiables, and what you can discard. (I'm pretty sure you've done this many times, do it again). You may be sailing into deep water and stormy weather. You might expect to be on the receiving end of a great deal more volatility and at the same time to be the only one present with a clear head (not knowing his personality, but a worst-case assumption worth making). Therefore be as mentally prepared as possible. Nothing here can be fixed immediately or even quickly, you have time to research ADHD, map and apply that knowlege to his past and career, rethink your relationship examining how ADHD may have been impacting it before you recognized it, run scenarios in your head, anticipate his potential reactions when you broach the topic of evaluation and therapy, and map out your responses in each eventuality, so far as you are able. Settle in for the long haul, think in advance about your own outlets when the stress intensifies, your boundaries, and how you will avoid an ADHD crisis, which you might be about to precipitate, overwhelming you. Move forward when you feel that you have prepared as well as you reasonably can. The better your preparation, the better the chances for success as you've defined it.
Since you've found his outbursts hard to handle, recognize that your resilience will be tested again - probably more intensely and you can't avoid this. Work on strengthening it. Understand that if ADHD lies at the root of some of the issues in your relationship, then his outbursts may be (probably are) beyond his control and at the same time may be a tool he uses to keep people away from discovering his fear of being discovered 'faulty' and his self-perceived vulnerabilities (that is, for him they satisfy a dual purpose albeit maybe not fully consciously). Though the outbursts are hurtful they are, in all likelihood, if he does love you, not personal but a result of frustration, and executive and emotional processing issues that go with the disorder. Remain aware that you must not let him overwhelm you and that he may say things that he does not mean and does not remember. It may be very hard to do this in the heat of the moment, so mentally rehearse your (calm) reactions until you feel that they will be as close to automatic as possible. Be patient, be kind, visualize success (know what you want) but remain flexible and realistic, grasp and understand clearly that nothing is guaranteed - it is his right to refuse to drink the water no matter how close he is to it's edge. Prepare also for the possibility that he might refuse to acknowledge your approaches regarding ADHD, at those times remember that he has ears, suppress any emotional reaction (at least in his presence), let the topic go for a while but refuse to allow it to lie dormant for ever. Try again at a better time. If the relationship fails when ADHD is raised, the best win-win may be that you will exit the relationship stronger and he will perhaps understand more about himself and be better prepared for the future. Not such a bad outcome, if it had to come to it.
Simply, prepare for the worst, work for the best.
Non-ADHD female spouse of a high-functioning ADHD male, professional types.
Wow, brilliant response
Submitted by Endeavour on
Wow, brilliant response Sunlight! My hubby is high-functioning and still in complete denial of any mental health condition. However, he does respond when I deal with a single issue at the time it happens. So my advice would be to tell your partner how hurtful/offensive/insulting his comment is at the point he makes it. Ask him what his intentions were when he made the blurt. Explain how it made you feel. Try to point out that there are often many ways to interpret comments and therefore although he may not mean to be malicious, it often sounds that way. Try to do this every time he has a blurt. After several occasions, maybe introduce the subject of ADHD and its wider behavioural traits. But don't be surprised if he dismisses it. Sometimes, you just have to chip away at each issue, one by one, over a long period of time before the penny drops.