or at least, a few relative parts. I did have several light bulb moments which prompted me to have a brief talk with my SO before going to bed last night.
While listening to her book, I realized several things right off the bat. There were several things that have been mentioned repeatedly that were making her angry. One in particular ( which is not an everyday one for most people ) has to do with the hearing aids ability to connect to Bluetooth so I can listen to things silently on the phone. Music in particular for me. While this sounds like a great idea and being thoughtful on one end, it also effectively cuts me off from anyone trying to talk to me. I'm sure you can see where this us going! There's a part two to this issue but for now, I'm only focusing on this one issue as she has repeatedly complained that she can't talk to me when the Bluetooth is connected. In essence, we lose connection when I'm connected.
I began the conversation with: "I want to say something...and that is, I'm so sorry I haven't listened to you when you've told me how frustrating it is when I'm connected to Bluetooth on my hearing aids. I'm sure this must feel like you're not being heard. As of tomorrow morning, the Bluetooth gets turned off as long as we're together." More or less, that's how I started.
She wondered where that came from and I told here about Melissa's book and said I had just read a few things that made me feel guilty of not listening to you more. She appreciated that and even reminded me of how I hadn't been "plugged in" yesterday morning and she was able to talk to me while she was making breakfast. It was really nice she said.
I then brought up my biggest concern being: the parent child dynamic and how it'll ruin our relationship if we don't do something about it. Her response was interesting as she said in a rather casual voice: : "well, I've always had to mother the men I've been in a relationship with...especially my last ex-husband. The last was husband two for 15 years."
I didn't say it, but I was thinking it. Mmmmm?
I told her, we need to find a way to stop this as it's critically important. And she was receptive. I repeated how sorry I was and promised to try and make her feel heard by listening better. This actually felt like the air had cleared a little. I made this a short conversation but I already know several other things I can start to do immediately along these same lines.
But the section on roles and symbolic gestures also caught my attention. I realized:
a) I need to take on the role of the Non-ADHD partner, at least to keep things clear in my mind when reading since both of us have ADHD and this can get confusing for me. I can change roles as needed
b )I need to take on the traditional male role of making things happen better. That's means, predicting things ahead of time and just doing them instead of having to be asked. This also falls into the category of "symbolic gestures" as I understand it?
c) the goal is to take some of the load off her plate when thinking about any of this...making her feel more supported like I have her back, and be heard. *
* This is where it gets tricky with someone who has a strong need for control and always being self sufficient. In essence....I don't need anyone to help me.
If that's the case, they're not going to necessarily ask for help. I've got to pay attention to everything I already know, and just do it even IF I haven't been asked or it's not something on our divided up chore list. Thinking about this further.....everything on the list is my responsibility....not just the ones on my list. If I see I can do something right in front of me that I know she wants and it's on her list...I can just do it without hesitation. Not for praise...because it lightens her load.
The problem with a person who feels like they have to do everything already from the past....they're not even thinking about the parent child dynamic as it something she's always done.
As I mentioned before....I walked into the parent child dynamic from day one when I arrived. My intuition was accurate...she's been doing this the majority of her adult life.
This makes it easy for me to see exactly what I need to do and I actually had started it already in some ways. I've been doing some things right...and other things wrong.
I noticed even yesterday...instead of telling me what to do ( the bossy ) she started asking me instead. This feels much different. And of course, my answer was yes. She's asking for help, without asking for help. I'm seeing this now more clearly. People who have trouble asking for help, will do it every way BUT.....actually asking for it. I understand this. And I now understand this is what she's doing.
The part two of my hearing aids and Bluetooth....I can't hear her asking for help when I can't actually hear anything. That's a big deal. I know this now.
This is a good start I think...but there's a lot more I need to do.
J
I was thinking about....
Submitted by J on
the talking with my SO about a cue word, and some other steps mentioned in Melissa's book, but something else took precedence this weekend in the form of unexpected visitors. Actually, Friday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday were filled with people coming over to the house each day. But the last two were unscheduled drop in quest on short notice. The last one was a good childhood friend I hadn't seen in 40 years.
Things I noticed included:
I definitely have an extroverted streak. I get energized with people around. I definitely like to be around people, go out to dinner, music shows etc.
SO is an introvert in that having company over wears her out. Each day she'd say...."we need to take a break from having people over" Also, she had already cleaned the house the way she wanted it so she only had to do that once for her girls night gathering on Friday night.... on the positive side. Her son and daughter in law ( both ADHD ) do not like to socialize much. Her son especially has a hard time being around people for very long. They were our second house guests last weekend.
And if they do socialize, the same as my SO...they like it when people come over instead of going over to other people's homes.
I don't care either way....whether I go there, or they come over...it's just being around people that charges my batteries.
As I thought more about this, the word "engaging" comes to mind.
And our last guest, my childhood friend from long ago....really brought back memories from our childhood from the 60's in suburbia. Boomer Ville.
Every story involved us, and all the neighborhood kids ( tons of them ) roaming around the streets in our neighborhood looking for things to do. And we had stories that could go on forever. We were full engaged!
There were no electronics, no video games, TV was kind of boring mostly....and it was an adventure everyday. And before I forget....both of our last visitors came by motorcycle...not "bikers" but adventure riders....like me. To say I was in my element is an understatement. To the point, my childhood friend arrived dressed almost exactly the same as me! I actually don't think that was completely a coincidence. We are very much the same.
Anyway....back to the 60's...where you had to invent things to do and come up with games to play to keep yourself fully engaged. And we both recalled how, you had to get out and go over to other kids houses just to see what was up because everyone was outside playing and you couldn't contact them on the phone. And mostly, just to hang around and talk since we had no money either. And on any given day, kids were just out in the streets playing and roaming around, unsupervised by parents who were no where to be found. And for us, this started as soon as you were old enough to do it which was probably around first grade.
While we were chatting, my SO told us she never went anywhere and mostly stayed at home, indoors with her older sisters. She's said this before, but it really contrasted this time, what my friend and I were taking about in our childhood....and we had many more stories to tell. We were always doing things and going places as kids and mostly outdoors.
This makes me wonder what comes first? Is introversion and being less engaged come from no opportunity? Or does having opportunity and being bored = getting out and engaging with others? In essence...necessity is the mother of invention.
IDK ?
Finally, on my list of things I noticed
Every time I see my SO smile, it warms my heart and I fall in Love over and over again. She smiled and laughed a lot this weekend. And she seemed to enjoy just sitting and listening to our stories. I did a little more talking than she did but she seemed just fine listening and laughing at the two of us telling stories.
When she smiles, she's stunningly beautiful in my eyes. I noticed that more than anything this weekend.