I'm 39 years old and recently been diagnosed with ADHD. I learned about my special brain in a very unfortunate way. My husband of only three months at the time said he was going to divorce me during an intense argument and left the next day never to return. We had a 3 1/2 year good relationship prior to the marriage. He could no longer deal with my behavior and how it had taken it's toll on him emotionally. I did not know what was wrong. He did not know what was wrong. I did know that the stress of buying a house, planning a wedding, a job transition, and learning to live together, was more change than I was able to handle. I was in a downward spiral that had started when all of the major changes began to happen in my life. Since being diagnosed I have taken every step necessary to to manage everything. Creating structure & routine in my life, educating myself, talk therapy, and medication. It's been six months now and I am doing amazing! Well, except for the loss I feel about my husband. I hurt him so badly that he has refused to help or support me in any way. He has not even given me an opportunity to explain to him how my ADHD put such a strain on our relationship. He has the mindset that I am a perfectionist, controlling, and verbally abusive. Perceptions that so many have until they know the characteristics of ADHD. Our divorce will be final in less than a month. I'm grieving the loss of my husband. I feel so extremely sad and misunderstood. I am well aware that I cannot use my disorder as an excuse for my behavior. However, I just cannot understand why I was abandoned at a time when I needed help, love, and understanding. I feel things would be different today if he knew and understood all of this about me. He will not give me the opportunity to tell him any of it. I believe he is still filled with anger and resentment even though he says that he isn't. I know that undetected ADHD has caused many relationships to go sour. So here I am blogging about my ADHD experience in hopes that I can find someone who has also been left by their loved one due to undetected ADHD. How do I cope with such a loss? I'm alone . . . . I mean really alone. A distant relationship with my father is the extent of my family. A few close friends have been supportive the best they know how. I have a need to communicate with someone who shares some of my same experiences.
I am sorry...
Submitted by tracsport on
My heart goes out to you as well. It has only been 2 months now since my wife left (temporary separation?), and I feel I am going through this adhd situation on my own. We havent gotten to a divorce state yet, but I still feel like she hopes I get fixed, like I have some flu or cold.....it doesnt work that way.
Meds, therapy, and to be honest, I decided to stand tall, head held high, and talk to people about it, at work, at church, at different things...and it has helped me. People think everyone has adhd...but its different, and you can attest to it.
As for your marriage situation, I am truely sorry, but I know what its like right now to come home to an empty house, to eat alone, to do things alone, and then trek 3-5 hours to visit your wife, have to sleep on the floor...plus I have 2 kids in this situation, very young...and I miss them too.
I am here if u need to talk, this situation sucks, but at the same time you smile because in your heart you know you are getting better.
Alone with ADHD
Submitted by addinme on
I was so glad to receive your response. It's comforting to know that there is someone else out there that is hurting the way I am. You are fortunate that your wife hasn't completely given up on you and filed for divorce. You are fortunate that she knows about your ADHD and you still have contact with the kids. These are positive things for your marriage. If you are managing the condition from all aspects; making lifestyle changes, adding structure to your day, therapy, and medication then she should start to see a difference in you. She needs to see those positive changes in you. Remember, she most likely has resentful feelings due to the behavior that accompanies an ADD'er. We sure can be difficult at times huh?
My situation is a bit different. I have no contact with my husband. He won't allow it. Therefore, he cannot see how I have turned my life around. The few friends that I do have know him to some degree. They are just as baffled as me that he would walk out on me when I needed his help. It was abrupt. In the middle of an ADD induced argument he said he was divorcing me. He left and never came back except to move his things out. Very devastating for a newlywed.
I too, have made the choice to be open with everyone about my ADD. Some people prefer to keep it to themselves. Perhaps ashamed somewhat. I have revealed my special brain to friends and co-workers. (I have no family to speak of). They have been very supportive. I have added humor to the coping. I can joke about it comfortably. Just like you, I try to hold my head high. I remind myself that God created me this way. What he gave me is a special "gift" and now I can utilize my gift to have a wonderful life. I hope you see that in yourself as well.
ADDinme, you wrote exactly how I feel and going thru
Submitted by Dan on
Hello ADDinme, thanks for posting your thoughts of what you are going thru. You wrote exactly what is happening to me. My thread is here: http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/find-volunteer-slapper-your-husband-and-reason The discussion thread is huge, 3 pages so far, since I blog there a lot and many others have commented. That is one way to cope, just keep taking to people, friends and family... you are not alone. When you need to, pick up the phone and call supporters. Secondly, try to stay positive. Going negative feels good short term, but long term, it solves nothing. Third, make future plans that would make you feel good and would make your husband feel good too. An example of what I posted in my thread... in the future when I'm beyond this, I plan on buying my ex-wife annual vacations. Him losing you now is really his loss long-term, so make goals now on how you will in the future make his mistake easier on himself! Everybody wins from this, and if he is smart enough, he may come to his senses someday and he'll wish he was stronger to give your marriage more time. Be strong!
Maybe I'm Not So Alone After All . . . .
Submitted by addinme on
Finding this forum has been so wonderful! I feel understood completely for the first time since being diagnosed six months ago. Not only do I feel understood by the few of you that read my initial blog but I feel as though I have a better understanding of my non-add spouse and some of the difficulties he has experienced as a result of the "addinme." Your sentiments and advice have had a powerful and positive effect on me. Dan, your response was definitely what I needed to hear. Up to this point I have only read some of this stuff like in Dr. Hallowell's books etc. I have been concentrating on getting my life back on track by educating myself on ADD, managing medication, attending regular counseling appointments, developing routine and structure to my days, and most importantly learning how my brain works and taking advantage of it to build my strengths and improve my weaknesses. I definitely know myself better than I ever have. I understand "ME." The caring, unselfish person that I have always been has also been trying to understand everything from my non-add husband's perspective. He has refused to share anything with me from the day he walked out the door. This seems to be the most horrible part of this experience for me. I wanted so badly to help and support him through this just as I was doing the same for me. I know he hurts but in a different way. I want to know as much as possible from both perspectives in an ADHD marriage. I want to be able to try to understand his feelings and also to learn and grow personally from the experience. I can see that your situation and efforts are so similar to mine. We are ADDer's who have embraced our diagnosis and are using the information we gain to improve our lives and the lives of those we love for the better. It's unfortunate that we have spouses who do not see that. They are entitled to their feelings of hurt, anger, and resentment for the way the we once were. By trying to make them understand all that we know and have learned about ADD invalidates their feelings when they are not at a point of wanting to be receptive. It's a difficult position to be in. You have reached deep within yourself and found strength that you didn't even know existed to pull yourself back up and manage the ADD. But at the same time yhe non-add spouse refuses to acknowledge any of the efforts because of the negative feelings that still exist in them. They do not have the positive outlook that we do at this point in the scenario because they can't know the change we have experienced in our brains. Not sure about you but I went from not knowing which end was up the majority of the time to being so focused and fully functioning. The day I took my first ADD pill I cried and thanked God. I really did. Within two hours of taking it I was sitting at my desk working with focus and clarity that I had never had before. I wish my husband knew this. All of my co-workers and friends say the same thing. They have seen the dramatic change in me and uttered the words "if he only knew . . ..
But he probably never will. So, for now I just have to take your advice and BE STRONG!!! I hope as you read this that you are having a day where you feel strong too.
Yes, be strong, and get stronger.
Submitted by Dan on
Thank you, addinme. I think the best advice.. knowledge is power, power is strength, get stronger and get knowledgable. If ADD/ADHD took down your marriage, don't take-on your spouse as he was to weak to stay... feel disappointed for him, never angry. Forgive him. Do you want a weak spouse? I don't, that is how I get over it. Someday, if he shows strength, he will learn and respect the power ADHD as you have learned, and he'll see what he lost. Somebody that has strength to admit they were wrong, that is who I want to be with... a strong companion.
ADD/ADHD is powerful "stuff", many ADHD'ers can't tame it and I feel for those non-ADHD spouses that are strong and stuck it out, only to be disappointed by a weak ADHD spouse. It works both ways... there are weak ADHD'ers and strong ADHD'ers... and their weak or strong spouses.
So, take-on your ADD/ADHD and tame it well, like taming a wild horse. Be a "ADHD whisperer". Do it for yourself, and yes, people will notice and will see the great person that you are. You have a whole new life ahead of you... you discovered, accepted, and now are taming your ADD/ADHD... that is huge! Many ADHD'ers never get this far! I'm very optimistic for "us" ADHD'ers that have got to this point! Hey, we're going thru a separation from our spouses because of ADHD and that is sad for us, but I say "we're fortunate". The greater the pain now, the greater the gain the rest of our lives! The wilder the horse, the greater it will be when tamed and riding it to success.
Knowledge is definitely
Submitted by tazangel36 on
Knowledge is definitely power! I have to say, to all of you "ADD spouses" who's marriages are in turmoil, I am very sorry! I know it's not my fault, but I really wish that I could give all of you a hug! And then I, the non-ADD spouse, would take your spouses out for coffee and explain to them!
I know there is a lot of hurt and resentment that can build up in an ADD marriage. Unfortunately. What started out as love, respect, and bliss turns into something ugly, and I find that so sad that people have to live like that. Does that mean my marriage is all roses? Well, yes, actually. While there are the thorns, there are plenty of beautiful, fragrant blooms to balance them out. Why? Knowledge!
Both my husband, ADHD, and myself have started working on thoroughly educating ourselves on ADHD and its ramifications, especially since our son is showing symptoms. We have each made compromises toward each other to help this work. We parent together; we manage money together; we clean together; we date each other. While its true that my memory and focus work better than his, I know he's trying. I know he's committed to this marriage, and that he loves me. And together, I think we can make this work!
I really wish I could talk to your spouses, help them find ways to heal the hurt, to understand their own reactions, and why ADD/ADHD folks do the things they do. Understanding the motivation, and the feelings that my husband experiences, has been a huge eye-opener, and created more compassion than resentment. I have created schedules to help my carefree self create a more structured environment for "my boys". I make a conscious decision to involve my husband in decisions; to give him gentle reminders; to be his wife, and not his mother. Hopefully, something I have said will work for others here.
I wish you all peace; that the hurts will heal. I really wish I could wave a magic wand and fix your marriages, as I find so much joy in mine. Understand, please, that not all non-ADD spouses are callous or uncaring; some of us really do try to understand, and to work WITH you. Please don't give up on working for a happy life. There are some really wonderful traits that seem to accompany ADD, and hopefully through those you can find joy in your lives and in your children! Good luck!
Something jumped out at me
Submitted by Echo on
I'm working up to my own blog/story to post and I haven't been all that active with the postings yet, but something from tazangel's post jumped out at me.
I really wish I could talk to your spouses, help them find ways to heal the hurt, to understand their own reactions, and why ADD/ADHD folks do the things they do. Understanding the motivation, and the feelings that my husband experiences, has been a huge eye-opener, and created more compassion than resentment. I have created schedules to help my carefree self create a more structured environment for "my boys". I make a conscious decision to involve my husband in decisions; to give him gentle reminders; to be his wife, and not his mother. Hopefully, something I have said will work for others here.
I'm the non-ADD spouse in my 16 year relationship with my husband. (We've been married 7 years). Before he was diagnosed with ADD about 4 years ago and before I began educating myself I didn't understand the motivation for many of the things he did. When he was hyperfocused on something it often felt like he was neglecting me or my needs. There were times I asked myself "why is he doing this to me?" Looking back I realize that at no time in our relationship has my husband been motivated to hurt me. His motivations were usually from a desire to do something positive like learning to play guitar, learning to paint, run a business and be successful. He was just motivated to do it all at the same time!! lol Like tazangel I have struggled to be more compassionate and work with my husband to find strategies and techniques to help us maintain a positive relationship thorns and all.
addinme: welcome to the site. I hope you find what you're looking for here.
Something to "pick you up" - a poem about ADHD
Submitted by Dan on
This hopefully will pick you up. A poem "The Wonderfulness of Me".
http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/find-volunteer-slapper-your-husband-and-reason#comment-6412
http://add.about.com/b/2010/02/15/the-wonderfulness-of-me.htm
:-)
Thank you so much for sharing the poem
Submitted by addinme on
Dan,
Thank you so much for sharing the poem. Also for your last entry that I have not had an opportunity to respond to. My divorce becomes final next week and I have been spending time focusing on the legal aspect as well as the emotional aspect. Trying so hard to stay strong through this situation which I consider a "big misunderstanding." Until finding this forum I have felt completely misunderstood. I appreciate the support of everyone blogging to me. It's the "Wonderfulness of Me" that keeps me strong. Knowledge and sharing has definitely provided peace within myself as well.
Wishing you a beautiful day!
Knowledge is Power & Your Perspective is Valuable
Submitted by addinme on
It's enlightening to hear your perspective as the non-ADD spouse. I have been educating myself immensely since learning of my diagnosis. However, my husband has refused any personal communication with me since the day he walked out. He learned of my ADHD by someone other than me months later and will not talk with me about it. Therefore, I am left to ponder his perspective. I've learned so much about myself and how my brain works in the last seven months but it burdens me to not know anything from his perspective. I want to continue to learn and grow but not just for me. For those people who interact with me on a daily basis. I wish so badly to hear all that he feels. I do not think I will ever be granted that wish. Sharing your thoughts are very valuable to me. It fills a void so to speak. You are a very patient and understanding spouse. Your love for your husband is unconditional and committed. Your husband is very fortunate to have found you.
So, as a non-ADD spouse how do you heal the hurt, anger and resentment? How do you turn it around into compassion as you mentioned? In a frazzled moment we ADDer's sometimes say things impulsively. Those thoughts come rolling off our tongues so quickly and negatively that they can cause emotional scars. We certainly do not intend to say such things and hurt our loved ones in this manner. We truly are "sorry" when we apologize.
Yes, there are just as many, if not more, wonderful traits that accompany ADHD. The creativity, generosity, unselfishness, intuitiveness, and the ability to forgive more easily just to name a few. Thank you so very much for acknowledging the positive side of ADD. You have comforted and motivated me to keep moving forward.
I've "known" since the
Submitted by tazangel36 on
I've "known" since the beginning of our relationship that my husband had ADD, but I had never known anyone with it, and operated under the mistaken belief that it was just a label slapped on people to excuse bad behavior. Sadly, some members of my family still feel this way, which just makes me ache for my son, who is only just beginning to realize the differences between him and others around him. I didn't start to understand my husband until I was forced to start understanding my son. My husband will be 32 this year, and he told me that he didn't find someone to understand him until he was 30 (we'd been together for 5 years at that point). :-(
First, I have to dispel some of your misconceptions about me: unfortunately, I am not "patient", "understanding", or "unconditional". Those are all too noble, and I fall short of those more often than I'd like to admit. But I try, because I can see my husband trying; I know how much he loves me (he really does show me), and I know how committed he is to our family; which, I also know, makes me extremely lucky.
But to answer your question, how do you heal the anger, hurt, and resentment? From my perspective, there are 2 main factors involved in this: #1 is the willingness of the ADHD spouse to acknowledge their AD and the issues it can cause, and to be willing to work on treatments. #2 is the willingness of the non-ADHD spouse to learn about the condition, its ramifications, and to be willing to accept some compromises. Basically, for these to never build up in the first place. *sigh* Only in a perfect world, right?
There was a lot of anger and resentment in our marriage for the first few years. When my son's symptoms started surfacing, my husband and I really had to take a good hard look at how we were interacting with each other. Because of an issue at his work, and just how miserable, tired, and stretched I was, he agreed to go back for re-evaluation. Now, he's working on a plan; he's involved, even if his mind is miles away. And all those resentments, I've come to realize, were over petty things that don't matter in the long run, and can be addressed and corrected. Not only that, but the traits my husband exhibits that can be directly attributed to his AD, those have actually influenced me and changed me in positive ways. I was never able to laugh at myself; I was never able to loosen up and be fun and goofy; I wasn't very forgiving, and very slow to apologize; I held grudges. Can you imagine what a ray of sunshine my husband has been for me?
So, here are a few things we do that keep that anger and resentment from being able to build back up:
No matter what, we say "I love you." Storm out of the house, sleep on the couch, fine, but those will be the last words out of your mouth.
We go to bed angry. If the issue is that important, we'll remember it after a good night's sleep and be in a far better frame of mind for having a discussion instead of an argument.
We split the chores as evenly as possible. I handle the bills; hubby handles the expense account, and once our credit card debt gets paid down, we'll start to get an allowance again (which, trust me, really reduces money friction in even "normal" marriages). I do the laundry and most of the cleaning; hubby does the dishes and the trash, plus he jumps up and does anything I ask. We put the kids to bed together. Because I'm more of a carefree personality, and he and my son need regiment, I have created schedules for us that hang all over the house; hubby & son are more relaxed if they know what's coming next, and I'm able to keep to their schedule. I'm happy to share my lists (morning/out of the house, after work, weekend, kids' bedtime, and cleaning) with anyone, especially if it will help reduce friction in even just 1 household!
We have a date night about twice a month, with a babysitter. We get out of the house, because this is time to remember why we married each other. We also have a home date night about once a week, where we usually work together in the kitchen baking something yummy, and then sit together and watch one of our favorite shows snuggled on the couch. We're both talkers during shows and movies, so this works out quite well for us.
We allow each other alone time. This is really important for any couple. You need time to just be you. And we recognize that. I even go a little batty if I haven't had any for a couple weeks.
ADDInMe, please try to remember that your marriage failing isn't your fault; it isn't your husband's fault. There are things that you both need to accept responsibility for, but please don't use this as an opportunity to either bash him, or bash yourself. Work on you, on making yourself happy and successful. The rest will fall in line, I promise. I’ve never been AD, but I have been on the end of a bad marriage, thinking it was all my fault, if only I had done X differently, or not done Y, or done Z more…blah blah blah. It wasn’t until I started working on myself, on becoming the person I wanted to be, that the rest of my life started to fall into place. That’s when I met my wonderful husband. I hope you recognize the worth you do have, the contributions you can make in others’ lives, and don’t let this hold you back from having a wonderful and fulfilling life.
Sharing your knowledge and opinions
Submitted by addinme on
Thank you for sharing your knowledge and opinions. It's most helpful to me to help understand a little bit from my husband's perspective as the non-add spouse. Our final divorce hearing is next week. He will never know or understand any of this because he is holding on to the past. By holding on to the past he is holding on to the hurt, anger, and resentment that he feels. I cannot help him with that even though I wish I could. As his wife, I want him to overcome those feelings. Instead he supresses them. In the beginning I took full responsibility for him leaving. I truly felt that it was all my fault. As I've come to learn more about ADHD and myself I have learned so much about him as well. I realize that it's not my fault, it's nobody's fault. It's just a clashing of the minds so to speak. Having the knowledge of how my brain works has given me the power to manage my life better. My husband does not have the knowledge about how my brain works. He is unwilling. Through my research and counseling I have learned a lot about his thinking and behavior also. He shows all the traits of a person with cognitive distortion. It's sad to think that our marriage has ended because we didn't know there was something wrong. I know that we could work on the relationship if he was willing. I have accepted the fact that his cognitive distortion will never allow him to see the sunny side of a person or situation. I hope that some day as he is older and wiser he will learn more about himself and understand how his thinking and behavior impacts a relationship just as mine does. The human brain is miraculous. Everyone should learn more about their own brain ADD or not. Having that knowledge will allow a person to live a more fulfilling life.
Tazangel, it sounds to me as though you and your husband have made some tremendous efforts to work at your marriage and also keep your son from struggling any more than he has to. I commend you as parents. I think it is important as parents to explain ADD to their child and to help them manage it from every perspective. Let him know that there is not something wrong with him. Instead, God gave him a gifted brain. It's a wonderful gift and can bring great things. I think back to when I was a child and I have the same thought over and over "if I only would have known then I wouldn't have struggled like I have." But hey, the past is the past and I am a stronger person because of those struggles. To put an even more positive spin on it I can say that my struggles have nourished my creativity. I am overflowing with it actually. At the same time I know I have to set a limit or it will send me in a tizzy. It took 39 years to realize I can't do everything all the time.
Your statement is true, once you start working on your own life things start to fall into place. I'm just starting to work on "me" and hope that the future holds great things for me. I have my days where I still grieve losing my husband. Time will heal that pain I know. I can honestly say that your communication along with everyone else's on this forum has helped me to heal and provided me a positive outlook. I thank you for your encouraging words and insight.
Good for you! Good for all ADHD'ers
Submitted by Dan on
I have so much to comment about your post... an ADHD moment, my mind is revving!.... but I won't. :-)
But I will say, based upon your post. You and I agree... this divorce in the end will be our ex-spouses' greater loss. We will always hold our heads high, knowing we tried to save a marriage with incredible newly discovered potential, whereas our spouses simply quit on it. We forgive them now, because they will have a hard enough time forgiving themselves someday when they figure it all out.
Yep, keeping it within limits, it is best to be positive, be creative and have fun and even laugh at our ADHD at times. The human mind is fascinating. I could go on and on, but I won't. Instead, I will get back to a ton of responsibilities I'm getting done, our nation's economy is depending on people like you and me! ;-) Just keep smiling!
Timing Is Everything
Submitted by addinme on
Dan,
Your timing is impeccable! My week has been spent with very high emotions and frustrations. They have peaked today. My final divorce hearing is next Wednesday and I hadn't seen or talked to my husband in about four months. He refused any communication so I didn't bother. I knew I needed to work on myself. so that is what I did. It has been a long and painful process. But that's OK.
We had one meeting in court last week and I could tell that I was the stronger person in this whole ordeal. I asked how he was and he said "tired." He also was uncomfortable talking to me. I was chipper and smiling and kept conversation light and positive. He saw a person that he had never seen before. I am truly that improved and different. Why? Because I took the bull by the horns and dealt with all of the adversity. I've improved every aspect of my life and learned so much about myself. As a result, I now know that I am in a more progressed stage of the divorce process than he is. I wish so much that I could help him. But I can't. He walked out, he was scared, he went running to mom and dad and has been living with them ever since. I don't mean for that to be a negative remark. Just making the point that he has not dealt with the reality of the situation and he is having a more difficult time with everything. Gee whiz, and I'm the one with the ADD!!! With the divorce just days away he is lashing out at me in every hurtful way possible. Twisting and turning my communication into something that it is not. I'm not responding in the same manner. I'm not letting his behavior and rude "way out there" remarks control my emotions. I know that his behavior is stemming from the heightened emotions. Instead, I respond in a positive and supportive way telling him to relax, take a deep breath, and focus on something positive.
Just like you, I forgive him. I'm not saying that I don't still hurt very deeply. But I do forgive him because forgiveness is the way of love. I can't be bitter towards him. I'm not programmed that way. I agree that some day years from now he may be in a better place in life. A time and place where his hurt and resentment will have faded to some degree and he may come to realize the true reality of the situation and how this isn't my fault or his. He will have a lot to deal with at that time. I hope he will have the courage to reach out to me and to others. By understanding and knowing that I forgive him I hope that he will be able to forgive himself and completely heal.
For now, I just continue to go through each day expanding my knowledge of ADHD from both spouse's perspectives. Right now I cannot imagine being in a relationship with anyone ever again. But I know time heals all wounds and that may change years from now. By then I will have a plethora of information stacked in the organized file cabinets in my brain (thanks to Dr. H of course!). I will be able to contribute to a relationship in a more positive manner.
I agree that the mind is fascinating. I've learned so much so far. I could babble about it too. I joke about my ADD all the time. Not that I take it lightly because I don't. I keep myself on track by trying real hard to stick to those limits, keeping a routine, focusing on one task and trying real hard to not let my thoughts race and have five things fluttering around in my head at one time.
It's sounds as though we both have the same outlook on life right now. We are taking advantage of our unique situation and bettering ourselves. When the days are good, life is wonderful! When the days are bad, they are still good. Stay strong and keep a positive outlook!
You're not alone... Others, including me, are similar
Submitted by ohlookitstom on
Hi there, I hope you're doing well as you read this.
I learned of my ADD as part of my post-divorce counseling I endured to work on improving my depression (my words, not theirs) only to 'discover', at age 37, that I had ADD. My shrink happened to have ADD himself, and only suggested it when most other things (even chanting...) didn't get me anywhere. Still, I finally had an answer as to why I was so smart yet I was such a screwup. I'd just gotten involved with someone I look back on as my deepest connection - to date - and she learned of my ADD when I came home with this great big a-HA grin, only she wasn't so happy about it. That 'instant family' relationship (each bringing one child) lasted another 6 or more years, but finally came apart for good, and during that time had more ups and downs and separations including move-outs than I like to recall.I was more 'married' to her, but she was intolerant and thought my actions were deliberate on my part.
Since that time I've had a number of 'meaningful relationships' but I've always been trying to learn more, to find out more so that I 'won't screw it up again'. I do keep learning, and reading, and usually maintain a regular counseling regimen and do take medication which I know works for me, and ALL of this helps me keep going, along with regular friends, and activities (for me, church is good) and NOT isolating myself. I'm not one to have 'meaningless' relationships... FWB, just for the sex, etc., so each relationship took a piece of my heart but also replaced that with another piece of the puzzle; I think I learned something more each time. Including what NOT to do, ever again...
Now 14 years later, I happen to be at one low point in my life's journey (if one were to look at my circumstances and situation) but yet I remain confident and optimistic that I am on the right course. I sure don't wish that your journey is as long in the tooth as mine, and by your asking for input - as you have - and taking advantage of better knowledge and information (Thanks, Dr H!) you have a much better chance to turn your downside upside down. Reclaim your life, and deal with the loss of that marriage, and then to work HARD on yourself and addressing those foibles that only YOU know cause you to trip up, DEFEAT them and realize that you are wired a bit differently. Better, I think... but let's not get superior or anything here. ADD isn't the problem, it's just 'life' with a different spin to it.
You're going to have struggles, and yes, some more losses along the way. Guess what? even people without ADHD or other such issues have problems, struggles and losses. That's just... life. Learn all you can, NOW, about your ADHD and YOUR tendencies and how to adjust what you do to avoid your pitfalls. Only YOU can do this. There's a lot more of us out there doing the same as you, and hopefully you'll find someone understanding and empathetic as you go. As Dr H says in one of the 'Distraction' books... 'find the right mate'. Don't ask me how to do that, though... I'm still getting that area straightened out in myself. For me, my First Mate is my faith in my Lord Jesus... but I don't want to get all preachy, here. Get up and hit back at your struggles NOW, and prepare yourself for the next day, too.
My journey on this path started a long while back, took a pause when things seemed futile, and then came back to it. You've got a lot more available to you to back you on your journey... more information available, and ADD is more 'out of the closet' now than it was even 10 years ago. Put your best efforts in now and you'll have a great life along the way. And the path can be difficu.... oh, look, a butterfly!
To all you brave and strong souls
Submitted by Newly Discovered ADD on
It takes a certain kind of person to be able to take that step and effort to getting themselves checked out, and treated for ADHD. It can be exceptionally hard for some of us that have problems keeping appointments and such, and I just want to say that you all should be very proud that you have done it. I have read a lot of sad stories here about loved ones leaving due to ADHD, and I can sympathize to that, because it recently happened to me. My ex, wanted for me to change and had given me a second chance to do it, but unfortunately at that time, I didn't know that I had ADHD, and no matter how hard I tried to change, it didn't work out, so it became frustrating. But long story short, they left and I too am now alone, dealing with my ADHD. All I can say people is that, the people who left us that didn't suffer from ADHD aren't ever going to be able to change much, but we, to me I think that we are the lucky ones! Although we suffer from this, we were able to live and overcome so many obstacles that others that don't have this have to also overcome. We work extra hard at things and that others don't. But the great part of it is, we, with treatment can change and be better then who we are now. It's like we're given a second chance to be better and clearer thinking people. The people, who left us, aren't going to be better than they are now, but with the help of counselling and treatment, we can be better and achieve so much more than they ever did! If they didn't stay with you through this, then you don't need them, and when you become a great successful person, and they see that it'll just be the icing on the cake. So with that thought, it has helped me to be more positive and able to deal with my Ex leaving. Also, being alone can be a blessing at this time as well, it can give you time to focus on yourself, get to know what you’re really like and who you are without having a marriage and the welfare of another person to worry about. And who knows, maybe when you finally realize who you really are, you probably won’t even be attracted to the ones that left you during your time of need. So hang in there, it's just going to get so much better for you, you have so much stuff to look forward to, you'll be able to reach your full potential! All the best to all of you and be try to be positive! Just remember, your all great and special in your own way.
Motivation Makes ADD Better
Submitted by addinme on
I agree. It takes a certain kind of person to make the effort to improve themselves and successfully manage their ADD by themselves. For those of us who have gone our entire lives up to this point unknowingly having ADD, we understand the word "disarray" all too well. There are many of us who have had our spouses leave us thinking the marriage is "irretrievably broken." When in fact, the undetected ADD was a major factor contributing to the relationship breaking down. Love that comprises a marriage should be unconditional.
keep your chin up...
Submitted by Dan on
... and I know you will! Smart ADD/ADHD'ers that have strength, move upward.
Sure, getting divorced because of undiagnosed ADHD feels like a sucker-punch in the gut, it's just not right. Who's to say an ex-spouse wouldn't have divorced if you had something else medically undiagnosed that caused similar marriage problems? Either way, they can't take the high-road, they commited euthanasia on a repairable marriage, we didn't. Be forgiving, that's a tough load they have to carry the rest of their lives. Just look forward and look on the bright side, you understand ADHD now and ADHD won't kill you. Don't worry about those that don't understand or don't care about ADHD, just forgive and pity them if they matter to you. Knowledge is power, they don't have knowledge/power right now. In time, the truth eventually always rises to the surface... they will understand someday what they quit on. Remember, you gained enormous knowledge about yourself since diagnosed, he hasn't learned/gained anything yet. Maybe he'll get informed someday on ADHD and it will work out... if he doesn't get informed someday, that's not someone you or anyone really wants anyway. Either way, it works out for you, you did your best with the hand you were dealt. It hurts now, but not forever. My soon to be ex-wife still doesn't really get Adult ADHD, so I want to get out my marriage asap and move upward. I just feel bad for my two ADHD kids, but they will always have our love and support, and I will work extra hard for them to minimize their loss in this divorce. They already have one advantage that I didn't have, they'll be informed of their gift of ADHD (and the cons) much sooner that I was (30+ years sooner), they have their whole lives ahead of them! I'm estimate in a couple years, my ex-wife will 'get it' too about our repairable ADHD marriage and how it could have really flourished. I will always wish her the best. Hey, she'll be informed then, so I'll send her a congratulation gift! :-) Take the high-road, forgive, be creative with your ADHD gift while keeping the ADHD 'cons' in control, and always be positive! Make plans to do something amazing!
Thanks,Dan!
Submitted by tazangel36 on
My family doesn't understand ADHD, and most of us have never met someone with it. Not until my husband, and now my son. As a result, there is very little tolerance from my family toward my son. He already recognizes the differences between him and his classmates, and last night was crying about why he has to "have a different brain from everyone else". It was heartbreaking to listen to. I've tried to explain to him that what makes him different makes him special, that he's smarter, funnier, more giving, and more creative than his classmates, and the price he has to pay for those gifts is a hard time sitting still and paying attention. My poor boy, my heart breaks for him. But something you said in response to addinme really made me feel better, hopefully one day it will help my son: "Don't worry about those that don't understand or don't care about ADHD, just forgive and pity them if they matter to you. Knowledge is power, they don't have knowledge/power right now. In time, the truth eventually always rises to the surface... they will understand someday" I truly hope that someday, my family does understand, and comes to love my son for who he is, not what he isn't.
they will get informed, in time
Submitted by Dan on
The medical field is so vast, even some doctors still know little about ADHD. I heard of this "thing called ADHD" for years and years, and I actually joked along with others about it... It turns out, the joke was on me, I have it! Knowledge is power and requires power to gain... We are talking about the human brain, the most advanced system ever created. The more confusing or mysterious the subject, the harder to grasp.
Let alone the complexity, then there is the stigma. Seeing a "shrink"? The stigma embedded since I was a kid, peers and I joked about someone seeing a psychologist, we thought just odd people like on the Bob Newhart Show saw “shrinks”. In reality, if every person in your family get's a confidential physical check-up once a year, likely they should be smart then to get a confidential psychological check-up as well. The brain is more advanced than any other organ in the body, it makes good sense to see that it is in tune too.
ADHD is a gift, if understood and controlled. Tell your son, he may be the next Justin Timberlake, Bill Cosby, Jim Carrey, Michael Phelps, Will Smith, etc….
http://www.google.com/#hl=en&q=celebrities+with+adhd
Knowledge is power, he's is fortunate.
Tapping into the talents
Submitted by addinme on
Tazangel, it sounds as though you are definitely putting forth much effort to assist your son with his ADHD. I believe you have come to know so much about it through your son and your husband. I'm sure there are days that you feel that you are at your wits end with both of them. You are the one that holds it together for all involved. I'll bet there are days that you wonder how you are holding yourself together! When you have those moments try to remember to give yourself a pat on the back. Be reminded that as hard as you are trying to contribute to keep everything together, your son and husband are truly trying too. Sometimes the efforts aren't as noticeable with us ADD folks. But we really do try. Your explanation to your son about being funnier, smarter, unselfish etc. are the good things ADD has to offer and you are definitely telling him the things he needs to have reinforced in his mind. When I was a child I knew I was different. When you are a child you don't want to be different from all the other kids. Knowing that there was something different about me led me to be shy and have low self esteem. I was the loner on the playground because I was different. My ADD was undetected and I also grew up in a very dysfunctional household. Your son is fortunate. He knows he is different, he knows he has ADD, he has parents who understand what ADD is and are doing what they can to help. That is huge!!!! Keep giving him that positive reinforcement. Build his confidence. Perhaps tune in to the the interests that he has. Whether it is a sport, playing a musical instrument etc. Those of us with ADD have a tendency to hyperfocus on something we really enjoy and excel at it. For example, if playing the guitar intriques your son he will not only learn to play the guitar but he will play it well. This whole process will have given him the stimulation and challenge that us ADDer's thrive on. The learning process will most likely come very easy to him also because of the high interest. And next there is the sense of accomplishment that he would feel for learning something. The successful feeling will then lead to higher self esteem and more confidence in himself. And lastly, there is the enjoyment that he will get everytime he picks up the guitar and plays. It can be used as an outlet for those days when he's been knocked down by friends at school or your family members that just don't understand. It will remind him that he has ADD and that he is not ADD. I just used the guitar as an example because music brings so much to the soul. It's unfortunate that your family doesn't understand. It's sounds as though they have the old mindset of ADD. The hyperactive, misbehaving little boy on ritalin. Tell them this isn't the 1970's - 1980's anymore. ADD is not a label. Give them some of the statistics. People with ADHD are all around us. Whether detected or undetected. It's no different than having a medical condition such as asthma. You know you have it and you do what is needed on a daily basis to maintain it. Perhaps in time your family will understand. Help your son to tap into the wonderfulness of ADHD by tapping into his talents. He will grow and blossom. Maybe then your family will see your son for who he is and not for his shortcomings or who he isn't. Don't give up! It takes a special kind of person to be able to accept and love us ADDer's. You are definitely one of them.
Attitude is everything
Submitted by addinme on
Attitude is everything and yours always seems to be so positive Dan! Your blogs are always filled with compassion and encouraging words. Many of your thoughts and comments are so parallel to mine in this whole process. I guess it doesn't matter that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. When it comes to being diagnosed with ADHD and being left by your spouse, it seems we all process through the situation in a similar manner no matter what our gender. Like stages of the grieving process. There is the shock of what has just happened. Your spouse leaves you. Your life crumbles to pieces. Then you seek help and learn of the ADD. The crumbled pieces of your life are now pieces of a puzzle. Once the shock wears off and you begin to gain a bit of knowledge about ADD, there is a big sigh of relief. You have answers to so many things! You begin to pick up the puzzle pieces and fit them together. For someone with ADD this is stimulating isn't it? You learn how your brain works and how it affects your daily life, relationships, and even how your past was shaped and molded due to the ADHD. At the same time you strive to instill the skills needed to manage your life. The schedules/routines, lists, reminders, etc. The path to self improvement has begun. You can read something and retain what you read. You can verbally communicate more effectively because five thoughts aren't alway fluttering around in your head like butterflies. It is no longer a disorder because you have learned to manage it and have tapped into the positive traits. Along the way you realize what a gift ADD is. Every day life is now amazing! The focus, the clarity, the awareness of your thoughts and behavior. The new potential that you have. A new person emerges and the people close to you begin to see the transformation. The self discovery is fantastic but the hole left in your heart by your spouse seems unbearable. Then there are the questions . . . Why would they make the permanent decision to end the marriage without first knowing what was causing the conflicts in the marriage? Why would they not want to put forth an effort to support their spouse and save the marriage once they learned that ADD was a major contributor to the breakdown of the marriage? How can a person that is suppose to love you unconditionally not want to help you in a time of need? Especially when we have already taken an active approach to self improvement. The questions go on and on as we ADDer's analyze from every angle. We feel completely misunderstood as we continue to hurt and feel understood. As time goes by the unanswered questions seem to become more accepting and we begin to heal. The hurt fades to some degree and we are able to forgive. We forgive because we love and "forgiveness is the way of love." We forgive because we know that they do not understand. They do not understand because they are unwilling to and we have had to accept that. Not only have we come to accept it, but we come to the stage in all of this where we realize that we are better off without that person. No matter how much we love them they do not love us in the same unconditional capacity. Perhaps some day they will understand a small part of ADD. If and when they do, they may feel remorse. That will be the most critical time to emphasize forgiveness to them and offer support if needed.
Your personal situation involves children who have also inherited ADD. Your knowledge is going to be such an asset to your children! They are lucky to have an ADHD dad! You are going to be able to help them in so many ways that you could have probably used help as a child. I'm sure it will be a bit of a rollercoaster ride but I have a feeling your children will be successful in life. Attidtude is everything and you've got the right kind! Add some humor to lighten things up and even on the challenging days you will find something to laugh about. ;o)
moving on, keeping positive!
Submitted by Dan on
Attitude is everything. I'm forgiving and want to move on, and just get out of this divorce that my wife initiated. Now however, typical of someone like her, she wants more money, using the kids as pawns, etc... even though we initially agreed to 50/50 in our "no fault" 50/50 state. She has an high-school education, whereas I graduated from college, started a business, I'm the idea-guy, etc... you can get the picture. She is divorcing me because of my ADHD (okay, I accept), but my ADHD has brought me successes.... now she wants them too. I forgive her, my family and I see her as a confused, scared person. I feel bad for her, she's only going to regret dragging this out, hurting the kids more than she has, and embarrass herself... the truth will be revealed more each day. You said "add some humor to lighten things up".... believe me, being humorous and enlightened is definitely me, once I get out of this divorce. I've learned my lesson of an ADHD marriage... move on with the good I have learned, and don't repeat the mistakes of the past. If your non-adhd spouse makes a divorce relatively straight-forward, though divorce is sad, you should feel fortunate since it could have been worse. I will continue to be an advocate of an amicable divorce, and “smile and wave” and take the high-road for my children. My kids are #1 to me, I will continue to protect them and myself over something she only wants. You can’t go wrong by keeping a positive attitude on the hand you were dealt, since you have no choice. We'll just never quit on ourselves since the future is bright now that we know we have ADHD. It's only going to get better!
On another positive note, here is a good article, she's a PhD that also has ADHD. I read her books when I was first diagnosed. Lots of smart ADHD’ers in the world, changing the world for the better! I’m sad for the broken marriages caused by ADHD in the world and on this Web site… in time, the world will understand ADHD more in the coming 5, 10, 20 years. When my boys with ADHD get married someday, they and their spouses will be very fortunate. If a generation improves over the last, that is success. Knowledge! Despite this divorce, they will be ahead of the game by understanding their ADHD from the beginning; they won't make the same mistakes their mom and dad made. I’m very optimistic for my children and myself.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201003/my-experience-having-adhdadd
spouse with ADD
Submitted by spanky on
I think you are very correct. Speaking as a spouse for over twenty years of someone with ADHD or whatever nomenclature you wish, it would definately have been better if I understood what I was getting into when we got married. I figured she was young and would grow out of it. ADD was not recognised very well at all at that time. I am now in a no win situation. I did not know this was what I was signing up for. I actually cannot live comfortably with the symptoms, but cannot get out of this marriage without causing great damage to my kids and abandoning someone who cannot take care of themselves. Somehow in here my needs get lost. This is a really really bad situation.
Meeting Each Other's Needs
Submitted by addinme on
It's so very important in marriage to meet our own needs and those of our spouse in marriage. It sounds as though you cannot meet your own needs and your wife cannot meet hers. Therefore,there are many unmet needs from both perspectives and much unhappiness. First and foremost it's important to meet your own needs. If you cannot meet your own than how can you expect to meet the needs of your spouse or children? You have to put on your oxygen mask before helping others. This may be difficult if you have always taken a backseat to those around you that need you. It may seem selfish and not feel real good at first. But it's not. I say this to you because as an Add'er I am filled with love and compassion for others. Nothing makes me feel better than to give and do for others. I have spent the first 39 years of my life doing this. Never ever putting myself first. I was doing so much for so many all the time that I forgot to take care of myself and I landed in the hospital. It was then that my husband left me. My undetected ADHD caught up with me and I learned real quickly that I wasn't meeting my own needs. By doing so I would have been better able to meet the needs of my husband and our marriage. If ADD is truly the root of your marital problems please do not give up. Marriages should not end because of ADD. They should thrive with knowledge, understanding, medication, and lifestyle changes. Nothing can change in a marriage by just knowing a spouse has ADD. You have to do something about it. Together. As a team. Educate yourself together about the condition. As a non-ADD spouse, try to be understanding. This is difficult to do at times I know. Seek out medication and talk therapy. Lifestyle changes such as schedules, routines, etc. are so extremely important too. It reduces frustration levels. The combination of all of these things makes for a winning combination and not a "no win" situation as you indicated. It's almost spring here in the Midwest and everything is coming back to life. The birds are migrating back and singing happily in the trees. The rain will come and wash away the yuck that winter has left behind. The grass will green up and flowers will bloom. Your marriage can come back to life too. A little rain, a little sunshine, a little nurturing makes everything grow and thrive.
nice words and advice...
Submitted by Dan on
Beautiful and smart words you give, AddInMe. What is it with ADHDers liking analogies, the oxygen mask analogy is a great one!
Everything you said just now, I agree with, being myself an ADHD person going thru a divorce. Yes, for the non-ADHD spouse, take care of yourself first... not by divorcing your spouse because of their ADHD... but by stepping back and becoming informed of the entire situation... ADHD, love, the kids, what makes you happy, sad, etc... Perhaps a separation for a while, not legal, just time away. It has to be real for you and your ADHD spouse. It will be very hard for both of you, but "no pain, go gain". Your ADHD spouse needs to really, truly get it... ADHD has and will continue to end marriages... does she have the strength and wants to really take control of her ADHD, or let her ADHD control her? You deserve to be happy and have your needs met, and so does she. Take care of yourself first, that will be a real wake-up call to her, a shock to the system. She may feel hurt, betrayed, annoyed... like "I can believe he's doing this!", but you are actually doing her and yourself in favor. In time, during the separation, if she is smart, all the good ADHD'ers are, :-) ... she will truly commit to improving herself, for herself. You will love each other like never before and your kids will flourish.
You have a long and tough journey ahead of you, but the tougher the journey, the stronger your family will be when you reach your destination. It seems no win now, but you have a lot to win by saving a marriage with a ADHDer, more than you see now.
Yes, never get divorced over ADHD until your ADHD spouse says, "I have ADHD, I tried everything but I can't change". Then, you truly tried everthing to save the marrage and you can hold your head-up high. In reality, I pray your spouse will change and your family will be stronger and happier than you ever imagined.
Taking care of yourself is
Submitted by tazangel36 on
Taking care of yourself is important! As the non-part of the marriage, I do handle a lot, and realistically speaking I do handle far more than 50%, to compensate for my husband's lack of ability. (Not placing blame, just stating fact.) I handle the details, but he reminds me to see the big picture. But because I handle so much, I get burned out very quickly. Luckily, my husband knows and understands this. So, as his way of saying "thank you", I get a couple hours to myself on the weekends, and probably once a year I take a weekend away. Yes, this leaves him with the kids by himself, but the house is still standing when I get back. I come back refreshed, recharged, ready to tackle our complicated life again. Kids & Daddy get time to form their own relationships without Mommy's interferance. He also gets to feel a sense of accomplishment that he successfully took care of himself and our kids while I was away; ADHDers don't get many ataboys, and fewer opportunities to prove themselves. So from that logic, I think my "selfish" time away is actually good for everyone. If you're a Non, struggling with burnout, why not talk to your spouse about a similar arrangement as a trial run, and see if it brings more peace and love to your household? It has for mine...