Hi everyone, (Sorry for any grammatical errors, English is not my native language)
So my girlfriend has ADHD and we've been together for around 9 months now. Altough I am happy with her, there are a few things which really bother me and I'm not sure if it's her ADHD, or the way she is.
Something that happened today is a good example of a thing that's really annoying me:
She started to became a veganist a few weeks ago and it's all going fine, except that she didn't took meat replacements so she has a lack of a lot of vital vitamins which caused her to feel sick at the moment. So after days she found out her sickness came from the lack of vitamins, but that was it. She didn't do anything about it so again a few days later I told her she really had to take vitamin boosts. Her reply to that was that taking those will make the human body lazy so that she doesn't want to, after that I only told her she should take them because it's almost the only way for her to feel better.
So today in the morning she said she feels so bad so I told her that it'll be just a few more days and then she'll feel fine again because then the vitamin boosts will start to work. Her reply was like "vitamin boosts?" so it seemed like she forgot about them, so I told her "Yes those pills your mom bought you, please take them they will help you and if you only take them for like 2 weeks, your body won't turn lazy" and then she randomly came with this stupid reply "seriously stop acting like a doctor and like I'm resisting I never resisted on taking those I already gave up on my opinion about them making the body lazy jesus" she's just so mad about.. nothing. I mean, sorry that I'm being worried? And the way she communicated it seemed like she didn't take them so I just wanted to be sure and tell her that they are important and that they can help, I don't think I was being pushy since it was the second time I told her about them.
She always replies like this on... about everything so we have atleast 2-3 fights every week, well atleast we used to because I'm starting to really just ignore her when she says something like that and later on we just talk about something else and act like it never happened. I don't want to start those pointless fights anymore, I'm done with it. She could have just said something like oh I haven't told you but I am taking them so don't worry. But instead she responds so aggressive and attacks me for really.. nothing. And I'm not a secure person so it's making me feel so unsecure, it's like I always do everything wrong.
Could this be something regarding her ADHD or is this something else? And if it's ADHD, how can I best deal with this?
Thanks for reading!
My husband is the same way.
Submitted by MFrances on
I think it's (indirect) ADHD
Submitted by DonkeyKong69 on
my ADHD husband does same thing
Submitted by dedelight4 on
DonkeyKong....(love the name, and playing that game also)LOL..............anyway. My ADHD husband reacts negative A LOT. In fact, he's angry most of the time, and when I ask him about it, he usually says angrily, "I'M NOT ANGRY". (which doesn't convince me, since he's saying it in an angry voice) I think it could be a way they have learned to re-act to things, because they've caused many issues in their lifetimes (problems) and they don't want to ADMIT that they've caused problems, so they act angry as a way to get people to back off. Sort of like, "If I get YOU FIRST, then you can't get ME".........sort of thing. I could be wrong, but it seems to apply to my situation at times. He too, doesn't EVER want to talk about things. In 32 years, I've never been able to get him to discuss our marriage and what we can to do help it. And, now we are in divorce proceedings, after almost 33 years. It's so hard. It took a complete melt-down from me(which I never did before), for him to finally admit he's been "in love" with someone else our entire marriage. How's THAT for keeping secrets, and not talking about things? wow. The girl is his "first love", that he was in love with at 20 years old. (he's almost 60 now). It's a total fantasy, and we all know it, but him. It's sad.
Anyway, there have been many, many times where I've told him something, and he says "You never told me that", when I KNOW I did. Then the opposite happens, where I don't tell him something and he swears "Yes, you DID tell me that". It gets very hard to deal with his memory, or lack OF memory, or whatever that is, but it's ADHD related.
I am sorry it had to turn out
Submitted by DonkeyKong69 on
I am sorry it had to turn out like that for you. I know it can be really painful sometimes to be in a relationship with an ADHD person and your story makes me a bit scared because I do recognize a few things.
I already had the feeling that she might not actually love me for real (although she does show love occasionally). It is because she admitted to me while we were still friends that I am not her type, and that she at first had no romantic feelings for me . It is possible that she felt in love with me eventually and that's when our relationship started but it's also possible because she has no one else and wants to have a boyfriend. Now almost a year later I still have a bit of trust issues with her with this matter, there have been so many mixed signals which I just can't put together... I just hope she's being genuine with me. She sometimes really gives me the feeling that I am not good enough, in the way she wants her husband to be, it makes me hate myself.
I hope that you are doing okay. I can't imagine how painful it can be with a 32 years relationship.
Hi DonkeyKong69
Submitted by Island-Girl23 on
Your post stuck out to me a lot because you said your girlfriend is a veganist? Do you mean she is vegan? She does not eat meat, eggs, or dairy and tries to only purchase cruelty-free products? I am vegan as well and have been for about a year and a half now. I've been researching this topic ever since I started living a vegan lifestyle and I feel that it's VERY important for new vegans to study the topic seriously, especially when it comes to learning about the nutritional aspect of a vegan-friendly diet.
Learning to be healthy on a plant-based diet takes time and effort, trial and error. Most of us do not grow up learning how to eat a healthful plant-based diet, we grow up learning how to eat an omnivorous type of diet. So we shouldn't just assume that we're going to know exactly how to do correctly, right away. Imagine marrying someone from another culture than yours and they just expected you to know how to prepare all the traditional dishes from their culture overnight? It's NOT realistic at all! It takes time to learn a brand new style of eating.
There is a ton of information out there on how to be healthy while eating a plant-based vegan-friendly diet and I really hope that your girlfriend takes the time to learn more, especially since she's been feeling sick lately. I have to say, though, that there is no need to take meat replacements.
I understand your concerns for your girlfriend but my opinion is, it's up to her if she wants to take vitamins or not. It's up to her if she wants to be healthy or not. It's not up to you to keep her healthy. You can state your feelings, "I feel worried about your health. I don't like seeing you feeling so sick." etc. But it's not up to you to tell her what to do about it.
Hopefully, she will care about your feelings and will take them into consideration. The more you try to tell her what to do, even if your intentions are good, the more she will probably resist you - even if you have good suggestions. (Note that: just because she doesn't take your advice doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't care about your feelings.)
It sounds like you don't like her aggressive reactions and that is understandable as well. Both of your feelings are completely valid. You don't want her to be rude to you especially when you are only trying to help and show that you care. She is probably feeling like other people are trying to control her or make decisions for her. My opinion is while it's okay to show people that you care, we have to accept that sometimes people don't want our help and we have to respect that. At the same time, we don't need to tolerate behavior from others that WE are not comfortable with. It's definitely okay to set boundaries for yourself.
Oh I thought the English word
Submitted by DonkeyKong69 on
Oh I thought the English word was veganist haha oops. She is not fully a vegan, she still drinks milk and sometimes eat eggs, but she completely dropped eating meat and such.
It indeed went wrong with her research. She decided to be a vegan and just started with it without doing much of a research. Not realizing that without a change in her eating pattern, she would get a lack of several vitamins over time. She never really was an eater, and one of the only things she actually did eat at dinner was her meat.
Thank you for your tips and advice. it was an eye-opener for me. Next time -even if I'm worried- I will stay back and just only show that I care for her but nothing else. If she wants help or something I'll let her ask for it next time. I think she indeed hate it to have a feeling that she's being 'controlled'. She really wants to be on her own. It's all her decesion if she wants to do something or not.
c:
Submitted by Island-Girl23 on
It's okay LOL I actually love your word veganist better! Wow, that's really impressive that your gf was able to drop meat even though it was basically her favorite food. I wish her all the best with it. I super hope that she wants to research it more too. And I wish the best for you both. c:
IG- 23....I dropped Pork and Beef for the most part.....
Submitted by c ur self on
I watched a documentary called Forks over knives a little over a year ago on Netflix...After I watched it, I decided I would cut out all Pork and all beef except for 1 or 2 Steaks a year....I've done well with it....I remember one interview the guy had with a reporter about being a Vegan....The reporter asked him..Didn't he think being a Vegan was taking it to the extreme a little?...His answer was something like...Well let me tell you what i consider extreme...When a other wise healthy man has to have his chest cut open, and veins stripped out of his leg and used as jumpers to get his blood for from one side of his heart to the other....I think I agree with him....It had an impact on me....
C
YAY!
Submitted by Island-Girl23 on
@ C UR SELF The vegan in me is SO excited to hear that and I so appreciate the change you made which helps the animals (and hopefully your health) a ton. Sales in meat keep dropping every year in the U.S. I think the decrease in sales of red meat is something like 25-30% right now if my memory is correct. c: Forks Over Knives is one of my favs! So awesome C!
Silence is Golden!
Submitted by c ur self on
I understand completely...it is so very hard to listen to someone you care about tell you their problems and then refrain from speaking into that person's life to help or suggest options....Just sharing in a man's mind....
I will suggest this...If you're going to keep running into this negativity from her...I would put a boundary in place....On yourself first...If she doesn't ask for your thoughts or opinion directly, do not verbally reply at all...Show empathy with your expression (listen) then walk away....Make her request your thoughts if she wants them!
C
I think that this is indeed
Submitted by DonkeyKong69 on
I think that this is indeed the best way to go for me (and maybe other people in the same boat). Thank you for the advice!