I (non-ADHD) went on a 2-week vacation with my ADHD partner. It was highly stressful at times, because he was rushing through the packing and planning, and scheduling multiple stops in a day without considering rest time, time to eat, time to just not do anything at all and relax.
I was irritable at times, because I would get tired or overwhelmed by the time constraints vs. all that we planned. There were a lot of highlights and positive things about our trip. But when we came home, he blamed me for being too angry, stressed, and uncomfortable the entire time. He did not see anything positive in our trip, and we seem to have completely different perspectives on how the trip actually went. I am feeling a bit out of my mind, and depressed about it. That, after all that stress and tolerating his own feelings of overwhelm and depression, I still thought there were some great moments. And yet, none of that was satisfying for him, or meant anything.
It seems he is ruminating intensely on all that went wrong, and I feel accused of being a major disappointment. It's really starting to bring me down and making me feel like I am a complete unenjoyable, impossible travel partner. While I've said why I was stressed at different times (I got a brief episode of stomach flu, and got injured while camping), nothing has changed his attitude or opinion about this apparently miserable trip for him.
I don't know what to do anymore.
Different goals?
Submitted by TryingToMakeItWork on
It's possible you're being gaslit, but your description of your trip and your different perspectives on it remind me of many trips my (ADHD) partner and I (non) have taken over the years. He and I have finally figured out some of what caused our major challenges around trips, and made some progress.
1) He hates planning, so I usually end up doing it if I want to go on a trip and not just "wing it" on everything from transit to lodging. But then if anything during "my trip" goes sideways, I feel responsible.
2) He loves to be spontaneous during the trip; I do not. In early years, we often fell into a cycle of him suggesting a spontaneous, incompletely thought-out outing, which either took longer than planned and disrupted my trip plan and/or caused me stress, injury, or embarrassment, and then he would get irritated at me for being annoyed and "no fun".
3) To relax, I like to break my usual routine to have downtime to read and enjoy unstructured time together. But he doesn't find this relaxing, even if he values the time together. Routines relax him, unstructured time does not, and he doesn't read. So...we have different goals for trips.
4) He focuses on things that go wrong. I'm not sure if it's that the novelty gives him a dopamine hit or what, but he'll draw attention to problems. But he's not actually bothered by the problem, only by my stressed, irritated response to it. Even years later he talks mostly about what went wrong on our trips (and laughs about it).
Not sure if any if this will ring true for you, but I thought I would share. Trips used to be where our biggest fights started, and it's taken me over 10 years of learning conversations to figure out why.
Good luck in any case!
Luna,
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Hi Luna,
Here is the definition of gaslighting.
manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.
It doesn't sound like your partner is doing that. My ex-husband used to do it to me, so I have some experience with this.
It sounds like you are coming from two different points of view. When you say that there were some good parts to the vacation and he doesn't see anything good about it at all, that may just be about perception.
:-)
Submitted by jennalemone on
:-)