Help! I have been married 21 years and my marriage is awful. My husband has no focus! I told him years ago to get tested and if it was ADHD, at least we can build a toolkit to cope and then hopefully manage. He refused but now with yet another blow up on his part, now he thinks he is ADHD because I told him I have one foot out the door. And his behaviours are getting worse. I am used to asking for things 3 or 4 times, doing things myself. I have every feeling described for a spouse of ADHD. He has most behaviours of ADHD. The real problem though is he has a huge lack of accountability. Not his fault, never his problem. And now with this discovery that he may have this disorder, I am a nag! I am so angry and tired. He is 47, I am 45. Is it too late to start this now?
Am I losing my mind?
Submitted by Treetopshot on 03/07/2021.
Hi treetopshot....
Submitted by c ur self on
Do you two have a clear understanding of what your roles are in the marriage relationship? Are you in total agreement? Some times we think we do, but in reality there may be unspoken offenses to what is being said or done between us....Because it''s good for me, I can start (partly unaware) thinking for my spouse, (assumptions)....It's so hard to communicate with certain mind type's, (calmly get through constructive conversations, especially those related to responsibility ownership, and sharing) that we have a bunch of black holes in our understanding of each others feelings.....
It's really amazing how many couples need a third party to keep constructive conversations flowing calmly...Esp. about sensitive subjects.....
The thing is, you or he may be right about your views on the dissemination of marriage responsibilities, but that doesn't matter one bit, if the other doesn't know your feelings clearly, or doesn't agree...So I say all of this to point out a lot of what we want to project on add/adhd may be only a small part related to it....It may be misunderstanding, it maybe defiance, it may be unconcern or laziness....That is why it's so good to have both parties set down with a subject list w/ that third party...It does many things...It allows agreement...It allows for recognition of disagreement...It forces accountability because it's agreed on, and documented...No arguments about what was decided will occur, because it is documented, and if you are dealing w/ add, sometimes the short term memory is not good....So we end up in these huge arguments because both feel they are right, when it's obvious that someone simply lost the facts....
Some times dealing w/ high level add, can make a spouse short tempered, and basically just a stressed out rude butt hole...(Me) At that point nothing gets accomplished because if either one of you is looking for a way to dump responsibilities or not discuss it at all....The other just give them an out....I don't like your tone...I don't like you facial expression....It's over!
We can waste a lot of years by not spending some time in a counselors office....The marriage may end anyway...But what about all those wasted years because we though we could handle it....
If he want go with you....Make a good list of the burning few issues (not assumptions about ADHD, stick to unacceptable human behaviors that are a reality in the relationship) that are hindering the home and relationship from being the healthy place it should be and go spill it to someone who can help....You will find out that most good counselors do not have to be told what add/adhd behaviors look like...It will clear to them....They don't like to go there if at all possible, it hinder's accountability....Lazy people love to have excuses....
Best wishes
c
It's never too late to start
Submitted by SJC2021 on
It's never too late to start over. With someone else that is.
He is defiant and blames you for his problems. Like an 8 year old.
You were not created to be his caretaker. You are supposed to be a partner.
There is never a true partnership with a normal and a person with ADHD. Never.