When H starts a tantrum or drama-fest, my solution is to grab my purse and leave. If I don't leave, the anger towards me escalates, even though I'm often not the reason for his anger, but I'm "there" so I become the target.
Yesterday, H had a series of annoying things go on:
1) had to drive 300 miles round trip to see his doctor.
2) The doctor runs a routine urine test to see if H's meds show up in his urine, and none showed up (this happens a lot for some odd reason). This upsets him because he's afraid that the Dr won't renew his Rxs.
3) H had problems with his cell phone. (Technology often frustrates H because gadgets are complicated and his "fat fingers" often don't press the right buttons.
4) The pharmacy took a long time to fill his Rx's.
5) When he got home he misplaced his meds for awhile, then frantically looked and found them.
6) he was angry that one of our children hadn't answered a text.
7) finally, H became upset that I wasn't upset like he was over all of these "incidents". (I've become numb to most of the things that annoy H....because they're constant. I don't have the energy to get "all emotional" over every little thing that upsets him.)
So, by about 8 pm, H began using me as a verbal punching bag. So, I left.
H is now complaining that I'm a terrible wife for not supporting him and by "frustrating" him by leaving. Yes, I guess it is frustrating when your Whipping Boy leaves.
It annoys me because he'll often start his whining by saying, "this isn't directed at you," and he'll start naming the 5-10 things that happened (separate from me) that annoyed him, but he can't do anything to THOSE people or frustrations, so he usually quickly transitions into something that he can yell at me about. And, then he'll say that I'm being "passive aggressive" for leaving (blah blah blah).
So, am I wrong to leave? Believe me, nothing that I say calms him down when he's already upset.
No.
Submitted by doublej on
Not wrong.
I've decided to tell him that each day, he's only allowed to....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
...whine about 3 things. With each whine-drama, I'll say "strike one" "strike two" "strike three".
I'm hoping that this will make him more aware of how often he whines.
Years ago, before cell phones, H's mom would write us these 10 page letters detailing everybody's little cold, ache or pain. I used to think that was so weird because in my parents' home, we were taught to "suck it up" and my parents didn't allow whining, so my mom would never think to mention that "little Bobby had the sniffles two weeks ago."
But we would get a fat envelope in the mail with a long list of every nieces', nephews', brothers', sisters' ache or pain or sneeze!
before H retired, he probably "shared" every little ache and pain to co-workers (probably driving them nuts), but since he was gone from home 60 hours a week, I was not the only one to hear every story about every "drama" in his life.
Now, that he's retired, it's a constant litany of "look at this scratch," "my knees hurt," "my back hurts," "I'm tired," "too much traffic," "I'm craving salt," "I need to take my blood pressure meds," "the line at the register was too long," "I can't find ____," "my tablet is broken," "my tablet isn't working," "my tablet isn't charging," "the pharmacist took too long to fill my Rx," "the wait at the dentist was too long," (blah blah blah blah blah)
Since I run a business and I have to be focused, this constant interruption of thought has been a factor in a mistake or two that I have made.
Yesterday, he begged me to go with him during that 300 mile round trip to his doctor. What a mistake. It was constant chatter. I tried to "give signals" that I preferred quiet by turning on the stereo, reading, etc, but to no avail. I told him that I will not be going on any of these future trips. I just can't take it....I felt like a prisoner and his chatter was like Chinese Water Torture.
This morning.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
This morning I came back to our home. H's first words to me were, "I don't want to talk to you," which in "H-speak" means, "I don't want to hear anything from you because I want to lecture and verbally abuse you."
I think it's almost funny how non-self-aware he is. When the rest of us dont want to speak to someone, we leave the room and dont speak to them.
Yesterday, H sent me a text. At the beginning he wrote: This will be a very short text (because I complain that his texts and emails are always way too long to read.)
guess how long the text was? over 1500 words! 1500 words, NOT characters. I copy/pasted his text into an email and sent it to my laptop. That way I could put it into a Word Counter to see how many words it was.
Can you be any more "not self aware" than to write in a text, "this will be a very short text" and then write 1500+ more words??
Now you might say that his initial intent was to write a short text, but his OCD and other MI's took over and he rambled on. That is likely true. However, I know that my H rereads his texts to check for errors (he's OCD), so he would have reread those words and it still wouldnt have dawned on him that his opening statement no longer applied, and worse, made him look even more foolish.
And what's with a 1500+ word text? Why would he assume that I would read anything like that? This isn't new. When upset, he routinely writes extremely long emails and texts. I tell him that I dont read them (I'm not insane!). He recently got mad when our son didnt respond to a VERY long email. Our son told me that when he opened it and saw the equivalent of a Bible book, he didn't even start reading it.
But, the main gist of H's complaints this morning was that his problems are all caused by me. He says that 95% of my time is focused on other things (business, home, kids, pets, bills, life, etc) instead of HIM (which he claims is normal in other marriages). I dont know ANY marriage where a spouse's attention is 95% on the other spouse.
Does he really think that's how other marriages work? His mom isnt 95% focused on her H or vice versa. His siblings arent either. WHO are these people that he's talking about? They dont exist.
I really need to get him back into therapy where a 3rd party will speak up and say, "hey, that's not realistic."
The funny thing is that H has never been 95% or even 50% focused on me....not that I would want that. As a matter of fact, when our children were little and I needed more help with them, H was too busy golfing, playing tennis, working out, jogging, etc.....certainly not focused on me at all. lol
Can totally sympathize with
Submitted by Xoliswthrtox on
Can totally sympathize with the attention thing- when my husband isnt getting enough, its because im always on my cell phone or the computer, or busy with work, or worry about the dog, etc... Yet hes glued to his phone way more than i...i just dont demand attention like he does...im quite content when left alone LOL...
i also have gotten in the habit of leaving, if not the house, but def the room or area where he is having his tantrum... Ive left and gone for a walk with the dog, taken a drive, etc... Ive now gotten to the point of calling out his childish behaviors whereas before i would sit quietly so not to add fuel to the fire...
The gist of his complaints this last few days is....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
When he's had several NORMAL hiccups in life (traffic, long lines, minor errors, etc), that happen within a day (and everyone has these things), he starts whining. And, he's angry that I'm not patting him on the head saying, "oh, you're having such a bad day - so much bad luck - poor hubby (blah blah blah)."
Good heavens, I would have to be saying that 24/7 because EVERYONE has bumps in the road.
He actually said, "Friday was the worst day in my life." (Uh, really? Worse than beloved family members dying? Worse than when his best friend died in a tragic accident at age 35?) Drama much? I realize that this is the ADHD (now, not now) talking, but seriously, NOTHING BAD happened on Friday....just a bunch of minor hiccups.
I'm supposed to be less "co-dependent". I've never been one to over-do the "poor baby" aspect with anyone. Sure, if someone truly is having some bad luck or tragedies, then I am sympathetic and offer whatever I can. But, I grew up in a household where whining wasn't allowed, and we understood that there are REAL tragedies out there, so a broken fingernail is nothing in life.
All the ground rules
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
O.W.W.,
What I have learned by hanging around this forum, reading Melissa's books, plus looking deep and hard at Liz and her behaviors, is the answer lies in "how" things are done.
My own patterns of behavior have made some really deep ruts in my life. They affect me and how I am perceived by others.
In answering your question, I would say it is not wrong to leave. That said, what matters is how you go about doing the leaving.
My life example: I have chosen to remove myself from conversations that become hostile, disrespectful, and/or hurtful - to me, by MY OWN definition.
I do not like confrontations. They feel icky to me. No one - not my sisters, family, friends, spouse, or children can define for me what feels good and what feels hurtful. LOL, at least not any more. This is all done in balance - I am not talking about curling up into a sobbing heap when anyone says "Boo." Nor going too far off in the opposite direction and being a selfish jerk. In time my boundaries may lax, but for now they need to be inflexible. I really need to remind myself to CHOOSE to care less about controlling statements like: "EVERYONE in the world has no problems with this, everyone but you." or "Why aren't YOU looking for help for YOUR problem?" or "You had a turn to talk, how come I never get a turn?" I no longer allow myself to be treated poorly with loudness, anger,and accusations hurled at me in an accelerated voice. I view these sort of statements as an attempt to control the situation by trying to make me feel guilty and in error - and these are actions towards me that I do not tolerate.
Keeping my own voice at a stable place, and saying that the conversation has taken a turn towards uncomfortable/out-of-control, so I no longer want to participate, is FOR ME - LIZ.
This is not easy. The pattern of being controlled by other's accusations runs deep. My insecurities about "Why do I keep screwing this up" allowed the nasty pattern of communication to develop and thrive. The fear that I will lose my spouse no longer controls my life. I value him, and I need to know and feel that he values me. I feel - my paradigm, my judgment - that his care for me was based on my weaknesses, and my need of him. Now that I have grown and become stronger and love being in my own skin, it intimidates him.
When I state that I am no longer comfortable in the conversation, it still appears to lead to frustration in my spouse and he hurls angry accusations at me like, "Go ahead, walk away - it's what you do." or "You had your turn to talk, and now you won't let me have my say."
Those are his. He can decide if our relationship is valuable enough to want to try to understand how I feel.
These steps need to be in balance. It is all new territory for me, and I fall easily into old patterns, especially when I feel the disapproval from those I care about most. And in the long run, I have learned that those that I care about most, those whose opinions I value, are the ones who can intimidate me the most.
So, I choose to err on the side of caution. Boundaries can be adjusted as I get stronger. And just maybe, I will see that they are 'just right' the way they are.
I have also learned that IN MY OWN SITUATION - it is not my job to calm my spouse down. I tried for many years, and was under the misguided opinion that I actually was. I now know I cannot make anyone do anything.
If indeed my value in our relationship was all about taking responsibility for everything that is wrong in our relationship - I no longer want that. I am worth more than that.
Liz
I agree that the way a person leaves is important.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
When I leave, I'm usually very quiet. I just gather my stuff and leave.
However, it's the fact that I leave is what further angers H. Even when he'll say, "go ahead and leave. I want you to leave," he'll later say that I "frustrate him" by leaving.....because I'm not there for him to further yell at.
Overwhelmedwife
Submitted by jennalemone on
This is horrendous that he sees you as a verbal "whipping boy" for his frustrations. It is difficult for us to hear these things and to digest that they think so little of us. We try to give them the benefit of the doubt for us to cope with their impish impulsive language. BUT that does not mean that we are not hearing those words and thinking less of them and less of ourselves to realize that this type of conversation is happening in our homes and we are so uncared for.
I think we need a 3rd party to tell H .....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
If a therapist tells H that I have the right to leave when I feel that I am being verbally attacked, etc, then he'll accept it.
H needs to be told by a 3rd party that on HE is responsible for HIS:
drinking
moods
anger
He has recently told me that it's my job to help him:
get well
stop drinking
stay calm during evenings
manage his meds
and a few other things.
The problem is that I can't be responsible for those things because he's an adult who makes his own decisions that often run counter to favorable situations.