So this just happened first thing in the morning. I am 2 rooms away and I hear H say angrily, disgustedly, "My God." I walked in the kitchen and asked what was the "My God" about? He said, disgustedly, "WE HAVE 2 BREADS." I had bought a loaf of bread and he had bought a loaf of bread. Then he took the empty egg carton he had in his hand and threw it on the floor and angrily stomped on it to flatten it loudly and pointedly.
I don't know what else is going on in his mind because he doesn't talk with me about anything sincerely or intimately - certainly not about feelings. I am realizing that for all our life he has used his anger and his bigger-ness to intimidate me when he is .....overwhelmed?, hating me?, just perturbed and will be over it in a minute? planning my murder? Could this really just be about the bread?
For years I had been soothing the beast within him with my compromising, trying to understand and connect and share our lives. Now I don't do that anymore and I let his anger play out and just watch without getting emotionally involved with it. This makes home an uncomfortable place to be. A spouse cannot totally shake free of being the target of an angry outburst. Heck of a way to be married.
I have faced similar
Submitted by Libby on
I have faced similar situations with my DH many times. When I would ask what is going on why are you angry he would tell me that I should know why. He would time and time again take the focus off of him and put it on me and my lack of knowledge as to why he was angry. It is pure crazy making that's for sure. I no longer ask him anything when he is in those moods. And yes it is an awful way to live.
It is like some kind of ridiculous game that only he knows the rules to.
It's hard to stop thinking we should do or say something....
Submitted by c ur self on
I've often wondered what was going on in person's mind, to cause them to lash out over little to nothing...Anger outbursts about trivial things.. (an extra loaf of bread, that he should have just dropped in the freezer)
When I started reading your post, and got to the part where you heard his outburst two rooms away....I was hoping the next sentence would say...I just laughed under my breathe, and went 4 rooms away, to make sure I stayed away from his drama and nasty disposition...Of course, I would have done just what you did in the moment...Just like you said; our first response is to show concern and attempt to understand, so we walk to the loud misery, and stick our nose right in the S***...LOL...
My question about this dynamic is this....When this kind of stuff happens (the loud outbursts) what's the purpose? Or is there one? I'm sure it's different for different people....But behaviors can and do have common themes....Would he have done that if he was at home alone? (his natural reaction)....Or was he being extra loud and dramatic (putting on a show) as his way to communicate...Knowing you would hunt him down and inquire?
Was he attention seeking? Or, was he just being himself, and you just happened to be in ear shot?? If you would have not paid any attention to him (not walked to him and inquired) do you think we would have kept up the drama show as an attempt to force you to inquire??
I wonder if life (a simple and calm day of discipline) for a dopamine junkie is even possible?....This article I read, say's that the effects of dopamine on an adhd (hyperactive) brain, creates salience...It's focus on something (person, place or thing) at a very heightened level, it's something they feel that NEEDS!, to be paid attention to....(this type of response is a cousin to the the dopamine rush that comes w/ sex, drugs, and other addictions, like Porn, gambling, TV, Internet, Stealing, eating disorders etc...All the things that are life and relationship robbing) We call it hyper focus...So the drive to give attention on that level may cause the emotional response's that we experience (even over something as simple as finding two loaves of bread on the counter, it happens here also, just like you explained it) in a person who lives with a hyperactive mind...If that's the case, it's pretty much uncontrollable at times....(they might not realize their actions until they've already reacted)....IF that's the case w/ my wife...I know my inquiring and pointing it out as bad, just makes it worse...It gives more life to a bad situation, that I shouldn't recognize, but ignore....When I inquire, only a few things can happen...All bad....But it's much easier to type here, than to do here...LOL....
c
My DH does the same thing. I
Submitted by dvance on
My DH does the same thing. I hear loud put upon sighs, slams of doors or drawers or cabinets often. Nine times out of ten I don't ask what the problem is but the one time I do he denies that he has even done whatever it was, like if I ask what was that slam?? He will say "what slam? nothing slammed". Him slamming the shower door is a big one at the end of the day but he denies that every time, usually says it slipped out of his hand. Ha-that's not even a thing. If I go to bed before him, he is likely to slam the bedroom door if he comes in for anything and deny that too. This whole dynamic, in my opinion, goes with the ADHD view of themselves as too special to be bothered with the normal everyday stuff that the rest of us have to deal with, like being on time or answering questions in a civil manner. My DH is always ticked off about something too. Nothing is ever fine. How was your day? Long. How was the bar you went to with the softball team? Too loud, overpriced, bear was lousy. How was the food at the business lunch? Bland. How was the flight to wherever for business? Sat next to a smelly person. It's always something bad that makes him crabby. I don't see most of my other friends getting this aggravated by everyday life. That bread thing is a perfect example. Who even cares about two loaves of bread?? In my house with two giant teen boys we go through two loaves of bread in like 6 days! But if you don't, throw one in the freezer and move on. Barely worth mentioning. My DH has weird reactions to minor things too. I don't understand it either.
Understand the Non-warranted
Submitted by shine1 on
Hello,
Your incident resonates w/me for sure. Tonight, my H picked up a pot holder to check some food in the oven. He yelled out loud and then came stomping into the living room to tell that the holder HAD TO BE THROWN OUT BECAUSE IT HURT ME. He started showing me this little hole in the holder, blaming it instead of the 5 shots of vodka I've watched him drink. I told him, no the pot holder wasn't going in the trash, he started slamming around and said: "REALLY?!...REALLY?!... Gee, thanks...It's okay if I'm hurt." I remained silent. I had to or I would have spued of how many times I've been hurt cooking and he kept on drinking and creating memes on his computer for FB. You, dear J, are definitely heard here!
He looks, acts angry, insists he's not.
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Wow, this is very pertinent for me too today. DH still hasn't learned much about his ADHD, but takes Concerta when he remembers it. I am SO tired of living with under treated ADHD, and am exhausted from it. It's the constant double standard of living, and mood swings, and not feeling secure in this union, where I feel unsafe and unsure of just about everything. The only thing I am sure of, is that there will be more chaos today.
Anger, yes, the anger, which DH keeps insisting he doesn't have, but yet does the same loud, angry outbursts every single day. (Just like the bread) Small things can create very LOUD, angry outbursts, that don't make sense. It doesn't matter WHAT the subject is, but his "go to" reaction to almost everything that irritates him is a loud angry outburst. To him, it's totally okay and normal, to me it's scary and seems like a lack of self control. Couple that with a lack of loving, attentive, and reassuring words, and it paints a picture of a guy who is just angry all the time, and looking for an outlet for that anger. He really does NOT see himself like others do, and gets frustrated that most people think he's a very angry, unapproachable person. Others HAVE mentioned this to him, but he shrugs it off, thinking they're just being ridiculous. It's NOT ridiculous, it's a REAL, problematic issue, that causes problems in other areas, like his job. It's exhausting emotionally on the receiving end.
My struggle currently, is that I don't know what he wants, or even wants out of life. If someone asked me what I believe it would take to make him happy, I would say "money". Because, his happiness certainly has notbeen his marriage, or me. But, I've seen him very happy when he's had times of having extra "money". He talks about it a lot, wishing he would have made different career choices. Teaching is definately what he should NOT be doing, but he went through his college years with no plan for "what am I going to be when I grow up". And even though he has 3 degrees, including a PhD, he chose the wrong field of work.ADHD and teaching dont go well together for most of these folks.
I've told him how much I just want him to be happy, but I don't know what that entails. Since he wont learn about his condition, he doesn't grow in the understanding of it, and thus, himself. It's difficult, especially now, facing retirement ages, and as broke as ever, it's even worse. I wish there was a way to help them see, but again, denial is a huge obstacle. Thanks for letting me vent.
I understand exactly how you
Submitted by babette70 on
I understand exactly how you feel. I'm on my way to stopping communication because my spouse's rejection sensitivity disorder is so bad. And we have two kids at home. This will be hard but every time I dialogue lately, I am somehow to blame. I so feel you on the anger. Yes - a "heck of a way to be married."
You deserve better
Submitted by overwhelmed wif... on
It's time to end the marriage. This is not a reasonable way to live.