Has anyone had a ADD spouse that has just been "angry" with them for no apparent reason (maybe that he resents that I've had to be "in control" of so many things/ He feels "parented" by me) for years/months and then continues to turn your teenage children against you-gang up on you? My husband has shown contempt for me for years--(I can somewhat understand that he is hurt/frustrated/shamed that he can't do and initiate what he says he WANTS- to be in charge, to take over more of leadership with our boys, our family, but he just can't/won't at this time -maybe when he gets some coaching & help) and now I feel "unsafe" in my own home..At the dinner table, in the car, he will literally allow and encourage my boys or start ridiculing/humiliating me himself. I could be asking a question, trying to get a schedule worked out, whatever, and somehow he becomes Mr. Hyde and it's dad & sons against mom..
In the past I have swallowed my pain, and tried to comment back--but it usually makes it worse. Now, with the advice of my counselor, I just get up and leave the room...this is heart breaking and feels like verbal abuse!! Since I have had to be disciplinarian-- he takes full advantage of making me the bad cop--he will even deny that we had an agreement about a consequence/ situation and cave in to the boys.. He has never been able to say no to his kids, nor follow through with any consequences or boundaries we have set, so of course, the boys look at me as the mean parent...
I have tried for months to explain how I am feeling--unsafe, and that our boys need to see us united--he even agreed to apologize to me in front of the boys--but he never has!
Have you looked into the
Submitted by copingSAH on
Have you looked into the subject of Parental Alienation Syndrome? This sounds like what is being done to you. Has the counselor seen any of this dynamic in person? Would you consider recording a "bad situation" and going over it with your counselor to see how you can thwart these kinds of behaviors if your spouse refuses to change?
While I can't say it works for others, but what works in my situation is exposing the situation to another family member, treading in the most careful and sincere way. You need some kind of intervention if you are feeling unsafe. Also having your friends and family to the house and/or exposing your kids to you and others out in the community without their father is a good thing, the children will see you out of the ADD dad's environment and be able to come to their own realizations.... my son notices when I'm out, I'm very well liked and respected by everyone as an ADULT. At home and in the car, he notices I'm teased a lot, it becomes obvious I'm being placed in the role of a child... so it's frustrating but my children see all sides...
There are times when my ADD spouse says things that are just downright chauvinistic and misogynist. There's no reason for that kind of talk but it seems like he just blurts it because there is no time to think.... sort of like the brain kicks out and everything gets let loose, sort of a diarrhea of the mouth. I have always corrected that by telling the kids that's not how you treat women.
p.s. there was a time when the pot-shots were really dumbfounding. I started a kind of reverse psychology I suppose -- for every accusation he made, I would immediately call him out on it "That is a LIE", "Explain what you just meant", "That's makes no sense" and/or when it's really bad and you need it to stop "That is not true. Explain yourself. Are you gaslighting me??". Just those phrases and nothing else. No defensive words, just statements like that. I think it finally reached my spouse and he backs down. He might have heard similar arguments in the past and that made him realize he was unable to actually prove any of his accusations. Simply, the accusations (ridicule, humiliation) are one of those conditions of the ADD to make the ADD spouse feel better about themselves, especially if they are not feeling in control of their own situation.
feeling unsafe
Submitted by jennifer6313 on
Thank you! Its so good to hear that someone else has experienced this--and that his behavior in this situation could be caused by his ADD. (Possibly that maybe he's not feeling good about himself & not in control of his situation, so he is taking his anger out on me!!)
My husband has had this general "anger" against me for years--it is hard to live in a house where someone is constantly angry at you--and they can't tell you why, or what you did that made them mad at you!! I hate it! I live in a "hostile" environment
What hurts the most though, is when he does it in front of our boys--I've learned, like you have it sounds, that NOTHING I can say in the heat of his anger helps! My counselor and I have decided that the best thing to do is just "leave the room" and then try to tell him later on that what he did/said/didn't do/ didn't say really hurt. I have been doing this, but he usually can't even apologize until days later, and by then the "family dynamic" is changed forever. (He promised to apologize to me in front of the boys about 4 months ago, but it never happened. (Instead, he just explained to them that he has discovered that he has ADD..)
I really do see that my boys are acting/seeing me the same way as my husband does. My oldest, 18 yrs, shows open contempt for me and ignores me...epecially if my husband is around..
When he gets out of control raging at me, I have had to send him to a hotel. I feel much better emotionally when he is gone, but when he comes back, he doesn't initiate any communication. Just "shows up" and usually doesn't want to discuss anything. (He doesn't txt/email/call NOTHING when he is away on business trips, or when he needs to "cool down" This also feels so hurtful..He just escapes everything--including me and the kids--It's like he falls of the edge of the world and shows back up like he never left...
I AM honestly feeling afraid and unsafe in my own home! Unless he can hear me and how I am feeling and RESPOND--I just can't take his contempt and anger any more. I do believe we all have to have VERY STRONG boundaries with our ADD spouses..it just takes so much energy and just feels like living with a type of trauma every day.
I have felt emotionally unsafe for years
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
jennifer6313,
I wish I had something useful to tell you. What I have experienced, for many years, is my spouse's (and his family's) very passive aggressive behavior. When I first read the book "Living with the Passive Aggressive Man" I thought I had found the answer to what was ailing my marriage. I have most of the first 2 chapters highlighted, and I had "Yes!" "I live this" "Hey, this is me" "Yep, my life" written all over in the margins.
Maybe my life is dealing with BOTH ADHD and passive-aggessive behavior. Maybe they go hand in hand? It is surely hard to live with people who smile at you, and hug and kiss you upon seeing you, and then you find out they have been trashing you and telling mean things about you behind your back. Everyone vents a bit at times. I am talking about consistent, never address conflict, always put on the happy face behavior.
I never did, and still never do, know where I stand. . . . . .
Thus, I have been detaching, and not worrying about his and their behavior, and being the best person I can be. No kidding, it is hard.
Accomodating the Passive Aggressive Spouse
Submitted by jennalemon on
This affects our marriage too. I Googled "passive aggressive man" and there is lots to be said about relationships with passive aggressives. This is at least half of what I am dealing with. People who put up with it are themselves comfortable in the relationship because that is what they became accustomed to by their childhood roles.
"The passive aggressive man sabotages his marriage but it takes that one special woman to enable him to do so. That woman who, in dealing with her own issues is attracted to the walking wounded. That woman who goes above and beyond when it comes to making a relationship work.
And, she will continue to attract passive aggressive men until she realizes that, as an adult woman she has the ability to limit how much damage another person can do to her life. Being loved should never mean turning yourself inside out for anyone. Being loved means knowing when to set boundaries, knowing your own worth and if need be, walking away from a man who does nothing but withdraw and withhold what you desire."
Feeling unsafe
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
jennalemon,
You say that you are feeling "unsafe" in your own home. You don't mention any physical abuse, but it certainly sounds like the emotional abuse is pretty intense. I really support you to have some kind of plan of where to go and what to do, in case the abuse escalates. Your safety needs to be your first concern.
I agree with your counselor. The best thing to do when you are being ridiculed and treated so poorly, is to leave the situation. Your husband sounds like a bully. There is really no reasoning with a bully. If it seems like you can talk to him when the two of you are alone, you can share how you felt when he was being so negative. Based on past results, it doesn't seem like he's able to seek forgiveness for his actions.
I agree that he's acting out of low self-esteem and a weak ego. However, that really doesn't excuse his poor behavior. If he is unable to self-reflect, and see the damage his behavior is doing, not only to you, but to his sons (he is teaching them to treat women very poorly), there isn't a lot of hope that he will be changing his behavior any time soon. I wonder how you feel about living with this in the long term?
I agree that if there is a way you can form a separate relationship with your sons, apart from your husband, that would be a wise thing to do.
Nancie, Thanks for the phrase
Submitted by copingSAH on
Nancie, Thanks for the phrase "self-reflect".
A little off the topic. I've been trying to describe what it is with my ADD spouse that I have struggled to describe to his family and that phrase sums it up well. He can be a great provider, friend, lots of good humor, bright and inquisitive, self- motivated but one of those things that I feel the most unattainable within the marriage is how my spouse is unable to "self-reflect."
It could be something straightforward like apologizing but without the self-reflection or introspection, it is very difficult for the other spouse to emotionally connect. So it is like living with someone who is not completely there in body and soul. Everyone needs to run their own role like the proverbial cogs of the machine until something gives. While the non-AD/HD spouse is maturing, becoming more spiritual or more "self-reflective," as they age, their AD/HD partners are not on the same wavelength as time goes on. The AD/HD spouse is frustrated because they don't know how to behave in the way their spouses need them to, and the non-AD/HD spouse is frustrated because they are trying to grow as a person but feels for every 1 step forward, there are 2 steps back in their path.
passive aggressisve/feeling unsafe
Submitted by jennifer6313 on
Thank you all for your help! Especially you Nancie!
Thankfully, my husband had to go on a business trip immediately following a "ganging up on mom" sessions and I WAS ABLE to txt him that he needed to stay at a hotel--not return home until he could apologize to me in front of the children! Besides you all, I have sought counsel from close friends who have known about this ongoing situation--It's funny, they ALL agree I did the right thing--but I start second guessing myself.."Is it really abuse?" Did I do/say something that deserved his anger and humiliation in front of the kids" I REALLY UNDERSTAND abuse now, how a wife who is even physically beat may waiver...
True to ADD/Passive Aggression....he has now like alway completely stopped any contact..I always feel like he's got me "suspended from a string" He's got me "stuck" frozen in time with his behavior, AGAIN.. I'm really reaching out for support and am taking it breath by breath...enjoying the moment.. But, as always, the shoes will drop and I will have a trauma to deal with.. I feel very blessed to have a strong faith--even when things are HARD!
I really want this marriage to work, but long term, I have been giving, and giving and giving until I am spent..and I don't know if I can do this--or if I am "willing" just for the sake of my vows, my children to feel so awful all the time...
True to nonADD spouses, I do not like who I am when I am with him--I nag, complain and feel frustrated all of the time---no attention, no follow through, no thoughtfulness unless he wants sex--I just feel invisible. Since he has been gone this week, I hear myself singing,enjoying nature and ...smiling!! I never once thought I would be in this position.. 4 kids, one w special needs..I can't even think of how I could do it....yet...
Thank you all so very very much!
I think this book would be good for your husband....
Submitted by c ur self on
Desperate Marriages by Gary Chapman...If you get it and read it I think it will really tell you some things about your relationship...It would be great if he would read it also...I think it would really help him if he would be willing and open to it....
Hi Jennifer,
Submitted by anun omus on
Hi Jennifer,
I know this was two years ago... but I'm wondering if things have gotten better for you. My situation is exactly the same as yours. It's like you're living my life. The triangulation. The passive aggression. Do you think you could email me?
Unfortunately, if I tell my husband to stay at a hotel, or not come home, he tells ME to get out. I'm being ganged up on all the time and my son, who is now a teen puts his fists into doors, trashes furniture and kitchen appliances, and pretty much goes insane during his rages. Regardless of what he does, my husband excuses it.
They both have ADHD I'm all alone here. The triangulation is over the top. My husband always sides with my son, refuses to ever punish or discipline him, so I'm the "bad cop" if I do. Well now that he's a teen he goes biserk with rage. And now I feel completely unsafe here. Problem is, I work out of my home -- so I'm stuck here, unless I can find another place to work! It's horrible. If I had someplace to go, I'd be gone.
But it hurts so so so much. After all the sacrifices and everything a mother does and goes through for their kid to have them trash you and abuse you and then your husband sides with them!! It is truly hell here.
This is the pattern of my
Submitted by copingSAH on
This is the pattern of my life since childhood. I had to morph and mold into someone or something else to escape the verbal abuse of my parent. The pattern of trying to fix the wounded (make it alright because we learn from an early age we are to be chameleons in order to survive) when oneself is wounded or "decapitated" (no head, no voice) persists through our lives.
That's why sometimes people in the mental health profession are referred to as wounded healers because they went into the field to heal their own issues before they can help others. Not only can these patterns appear in the love relationship, it appears in the work dynamics between employer and employee, and most dysfunctional when the adult woman (or man) comes into contact with someone who has some disorder or at the worst, pathological traits. It is a non-ending cycle of co-dependency because the wounded woman will never be able to save another person because they cannot be changed...
Wisdom
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
There is a lot of wisdom in what you say here, copingSAH. Codependency and the parent/child dynamic in ADHD relationships are very closely related. Breaking the pattern takes a lot of personal strength and fortitude.
And for you, Jennifer613, I support you to stay strong, and know that your enjoyment of this peaceful time may have a message to give you.
Nancie
Relearning how I think
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
copingSAH,
I have experienced a lot in my life. The danger in some wounded healers is they are NOT healed, and are trying to fix others as a way to 'think' they are healing themselves. I have been involved with such people. Bad news for me.
What I have found out in my life, I can not give to someone what I do not have myself. Words are cheap, and often-times useless if they have no substance behind them.
I have come to the conclusion that I fully understand my spouse will not change unless he chooses to try. I feel a lot of denial from him as to his need for healing. (Extremely disappointing for me.)
So, I need to get to the place where I have had enough of trying to exhibit the patience of a saint. Enough of trying just one more counselor. And feel bold enough to announce to whoever that I made a big mistake being kind and understanding for so long. Enabler? Maybe.
Patience and long suffering is a good thing - when applied to chronic illness, or physical handicaps. NOT when putting up with another person's poor behavior.
I also realized my goal was to get my spouse to AGREE with me, acknowledge that he needed to make some changes. Well, I made a lot of changes in my own life over the past 10-15 years, and I feel his rebellion towards me. I guess his anger towards me is the result of: his pattern of treating me is no longer bringing about his own desired results.
Highly disappointing, since I thought once I figured myself out, and changed my own dynamics, he would follow.
The difficult reality for me, is he has NOT. It is a crushing reality for ME to accept.
Yup
Submitted by jennalemon on
I am at the same place you are.