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Response from Dr. Hallowell
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Your post was completely out of my league, so I asked Dr. Hallowell to respond to it. Here is what he wrote:
ADHD does not cause a person to strangle another person. Whatever goes into such an act we don't fully understand, but it is much more than just ADHD. Your fiance needs help, and needs help right away. If I were you, I would seriously consider moving out until he gets that help and until you and a qualfied expert agree that it is safe for the two of you to be together again. A qualified expert would be some mental health professional.
Your finace needs help for sure, but the immediate concern is your safety. You must take care of that first and foremost. Once you are safe--and as long as you are living with him in his current state you are not safe, in my opinion--then and only then can you work on getting him help. --- Help for him may indeed include medication, (and not medication that would make him gain weight). But it would most of all include education and counseling. He needs to develop insight into who he is and why he does what he does. Right now he sounds pretty clueless. That's dangerous. There is hope, for sure, but it begins with protection. Then, education. Then, therapy.
I (Melissa) would add to this that no matter how much you think you love this man, DO NOT marry him until he is fully straightened out. It's too dangerous for you.
Melissa Orlov
Thank you so much for your
Submitted by AshRae84 on
For AshRae
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I'm delighted that your fiance is considering seeing a doctor. Please, please, please make sure to keep yourself safe first and foremost. This means, unfortunately, moving out until his anger is sorted out, is likely your best bet.
Melissa Orlov
ADHD & anger
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
adhd
Submitted by rondosarah on
I don't feel safe...
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
So, A.R., once you are safe,
Submitted by Gawain on
ADHD With Anger
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
think about YOUR future
Submitted by Survivor on
No excuse
Submitted by Nighthawk on
anger and rage
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
Rage
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
It's not uncommon for people with ADD to have a quick trigger into anger...but it is very hard to live with this type of anger. From the perspective of the non-ADD spouse who used to have to deal with unexpected bursts of anger, it's highly, highly stressful. You never know when your life is going to explode because your husband goes into an unexpected rage.
The situation that you describe and seem to justify as your way of "processing" information is not healthy for anyone who is living with you, nor is it healthy for you. There are better ways for you to process. Please talk with your doctor about ways to manage your anger.
You don' t mention whether or not you are treating your ADD, but our experience in this household was that a lovely side benefit of treating my husband's ADD with Wellbutrin was that he no longer went into these angry spurts.
Or, to put it another way, is banging a dish a reason to put your hand through a wall?! Something else is going on here, and you should work with your doctor to figure out how to get it under control for your benefit, for your wife's benefit, and for the benefit of any kids you might have (imagine being a child and having your father putting his hands through walls and hitting pots so hard that they bend! That would be so, so scary...!) Please address this sooner rather than later...in my opinion you are using your ADD and the fact that you have always done things this way as an excuse to continue doing them this way. It will take lots of self-evaluation, and possibly some medication, but you CAN change this!
Melissa Orlov