Hi Everyone,
I've never posted so bear with me. I'm an ADD husband, recently diagnosed in the last 2 years after my wife raised some of the symptoms to me. Quick bio...although I've been successful in my career, great with money/investments, an open communicator, able to share feelings/emotions I do struggle with:
- Overstimulation - work calls, kid asking for help, my wife texting me at the same time - I get overloaded, which can lead to anger. My awareness in this has shown a drop in the number of occurrences but not out of the woods yet.
- Forgetfulness - I have implemented task tools and many lists to save me! I simply can't remember a task if I'm multi-tasking, I have to dedicate 100% of my time to listening and writing it down.
- Prioritization - work and home life, I live for the last minute. Trying to get better in scheduling time to work on long term projects/tasks but can easily drift to the shiny object (try to keep my phone face down, email notifications off etc)
- Medication - for the past 2 years I've been taking a stimulant which is helping.
One aspect of my marriage that I've stressed and communicated with my wife, which I feel is the CONSTANT area of concern for me is around sex, love and intimacy. I've always connected sexually and I'm aware of my higher desires. Ideally, sex of any kind (meaning not only intercourse) 2-3 x week would be perfect.
Roughly 3 years ago I wrote my wife a letter that I was struggling with our lack of sex life - I was always the initiator, seeker - the ask for sex is my responsibility while the permission (frequency) is always hers. I should mention that we have one son and spent 5 years of unsuccessful fertility treatments - which impacted our sex life and stressed our foundation. This letter, for better or worse, started a journey with a sex therapist and although these sessions helped they didn't focus on sex/intimacy specifically but more on problem resolution and overcoming infertility. Not diminishing this, it was very helpful but ironically our sex life . I was hopeful that focusing on these areas would create a stronger foundation that would help in the intimacy department.
Fast forward to today. We are attending the ADHD Marriage Course that Melissa is running. I've learned a lot about areas to improve and tools that could be helpful - we haven't tackled the sex topic yet (the next two upcoming sessions).
Okay....now the reason and question at hand. For the past 3 years I've expressed how any and all sex/intimacy is put on me. I would say 100% of the time I have to initiate and 90% of the time flirting, kissing, embracing, holding, caressing etc. falls to me. Deep down I can feel her apprehension and resistance, which is a crushing feeling inside. When I ask why she can't feel the same way - i.e. show strong desire & interest to take a bath or head upstairs to have romance & sex - she will tell me there are trust issues, our foundation is crumbling and this is primarily due to my ADD and specifically these moments of anger.
I've tried to explain that I feel the toll of years of constant rejection is what causes these moments of flooding and anger. We will have weeks of getting along, connecting and overall happiness - I'll seek to take this goodwill and connect for intimacy - I'm shut down. Prior to 3 years ago, I don't think this would bother me but over the past few years of effort and most recently the readings and learnings I have made around ADHD has caused growing resentment on my side. For what it's worth, I'm healthy & fit, have been in the same job for 5+ years where I work from home (even before COVID) and make great money (not bragging, highlighting given ADD I'm financially strong). I have no expensive hobbies, I help on the home front by driving my son to school daily and getting him ready, try my best to vacuum and clean, grocery shop (again, not as much as my wife but where/when I can given my demanding job), cook ~40% of the time. Plus, we camp every weekend which I spend hours prepping for weekly and then drive / tow which can be stressful. My wife left her job 6 months before COVID and with the homeschooling requirements and poor job market hasn't worked in 2 years (financially we are fortunate she doesn't have to but this has been a struggle for her).
I provide the above background now to highlight that I'm amazing, it's to share my inner thoughts about why I have growing resentment. Recent example; we had a great time this past weekend camping where we connected and didn't fight, in fact we had an entire week of no arguments. While driving home I asked if we could listen to Ari Newman & Melissa's podcast video on sex - my wife agreed but 5 minutes into the podcast she stated that she "doesn't believe in everything he does". Not instantly but as we continued to drive home I boiled over as it feels as though the one key area of concern for me is around lack of intimacy & sex - my wife will get in an instant mood when I bring this up. This makes me feel that my area of concern is not important to her. The feedback I receive for not wanting to connect feels like a moving target. This last time it was caused by my son annoying her earlier in the day when playing a board game, other times it's that she's not in the mood or once I was told that I had a "tone" when I said I was getting overstimulated (perhaps I did have a tone but I didn't lash out or get angry but simply communicated that I was getting overstimulated and if two competing noises from an iPhone and iPad playing two separate videos in the car while I was towing a trailer could be turned down - that was referenced as killing her mood/desire and stated as the reason for declining intimacy that night.
This cycle repeats weekly. Getting along and communicating great, then I seek intimacy or sex (at any level), will get rejected and this will lead to an outburst from me...rinse....repeat.
I once tried not initiating for two months, no impact. My wife is confident that if we work on our foundation and manage my ADHD with Melissa's course to guide us that she will be open to connecting sexually. I struggle as this was the same thoughts about Attachment Theory (which I read inside/out), Love Languages (which I read inside/out) or my upbringing as a child and/or the lack of long term relationships I had before getting married. I feel we've tried this for 2.5 years and in the last 6 months I keep stating the lack of sexual intimacy is creating further resentment on my part and I'm asking her to make investments in our sex life (actions, not words - small consistent steps, I even suggested Sensate). I've tried various ranges of attempts; intercourse, oral, showers, baths, cuddling, reading erotica, caressing, etc. Given our 5-6 times we have sex per year, these asks are met a handful of times with a disengaged experience. I have said things I don't mean to make her aware of how important this is to me, I wasn't serious but suggested an open marriage to highlight that if you don't want this in our marriage then why are you asking for monogamy....I knew it was a terrible path to take but thought it might draw awareness to the severity.
I can't ask my wife to engage in sex if she's not interested, nor do I want this. I've suggested Sex Starved Marriage (sent the TEDx video too), Ari Newman's work, David Schnarch's work - no interest. I was told she wouldn't read 400+ pages but happy to read a summary or video. Even after we talk about the lack of sex/intimacy (a talk that occurs every 1-2 weeks), we talk about scheduling sex or intimacy etc. but nothing is every actioned which after everything I do causes me to hit a breaking point and an angry outburst follows the rejection.
Am I wrong to ask her to make an investment in the one area I feel is important to me? Can anyone recommend an action plan? Can someone suggest an approach to help provide insight into how for some a lack of sexual connection erodes a marriage's foundation?
After our argument yesterday, we had another blowup today during my workday and homeschooling where she asked what I want to talk to her about later tonight (I told her we need to have a tough talk, no intimacy = separation for me in the long run)...well, the outcome was her throwing things at me and stating she feels we are almost surely heading for divorce - I'm feeling the same thing which is I'm writing here for the first time.
I really appreciate everyone listening and the community we have here. I'm open to all suggestions at this point as I'm concerned my family will fall apart.
Thank you.
Sex and intimacy
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
This is a tough one. I don't know if your wife would characterize everything the same way you have but it sounds to me like you are working very hard with sincere effort to improve ADHD behaviors that impact the marriage. This is not easy to do and I think it's amazing.
In regards to sex and intimacy, I know how you feel. My husband was disinterested and we had no sex for the final ten years of our marriage because I gave up asking. Prior to that, it was twice a year at most and I could tell he was only doing it to appease me. What a great feeling. He also expected fidelity and refused to acknowledge the issue.
Obviously I don't know your wife, but it's possible that it's just easier to blame this on you than to take ownership for it. She may just not want to have sex because of her own drive. And if that's the case, she really owes it to you to figure that out. There's also the possibility that before you got treatment for ADHD, she was already at her breaking point. So that no matter what strides you make, she is unable to meet you halfway... even two years into treatment. If my husband had been willing to pursue treatment, it would have taken a long time before I would have wanted intimacy. I really just needed him to clean up after himself, be accountable as a parent and get a job first! Not that he wanted intimacy, but you get the point. :)
Regardless, it is fair to want intimacy in a marriage and the total lack of it is one of the many reasons I separated from my husband.
Just as you were willing to explore ADHD, I think it's fair to expect that she come to the table to willingly work on this. Maybe it has become such a charged issue that she gets defensive the moment it comes up. Hopefully Melissa can shed some light on it in the next session.
Thank you
Submitted by BigLifts on
Appreciate your feedback and perspective, it helps.
Thanks again.
Very well worded and clear post
Submitted by Mkarnett2001 on
In terms of what you said about having an open marriage, I could see how that might make her feel even more so that she doesn't want to be intimate. Did she know you had ADHD when you got married? I'm sure she wanted monogamy, but sounds like things have come up that she may not have accounted for, that have changed things along the way. Your wants are important and valid, and I'm wondering if the fact that you are talking about it every week makes her less likely to want to be intimate? Maybe there is something that she needs and wants? I wish you the best!
Talk to your prescribing
Submitted by triedandtrue on
Talk to your prescribing doctor about adding a mood stabilizer to your medications. You may well end up divorcing eventually because of different sexual levels but in the meantime, give your family (especially your wife) a break from the rage outbursts and meltdowns.
It's worth noting that stimulant meds are effective for reducing ADHD symptoms, but in some people they can exacerbate the mood dysregulation that so often goes along with ADHD. A doctor experienced in treating ADHD will be able to deal with this.
Multi-tasking is not advisable for ADHDers. You can't avoid all interruptions to your day. A mood stabilizer could help you control your reactions. Also, try to put more of your daily tasks and other actions into consecutive order. You may have to spend more time on your schedules and to-do lists until you get used to this new approach to prioritization. Stimulant meds give many people with ADHD a sense of having extra time, or at least the ability to purposefully pause, and get more done; this might help you with the scheduling.
Good luck.
I feel for you; I live the same reality in the sex/intimacy area
Submitted by c ur self on
After years of dealing with this, I've come to a few conclusions....Nothing I can do or say will fix it......And most of the things I have tried has only hurt...Because like yourself dealing with the unconcern only created anger/frustration in me, which of course boils out on her....Which is just wrongs piled on top of wrongs....
I know the power of my body belongs to her, and her's to me, when it comes to our intimate needs (1st Corinthians 7:1-4)...But just because God created a perfect relationship for his children, doesn't mean human's care enough to submit to it.....
A few suggestions for you based on your comments, I'm somewhat adhd also I think.....(the one's that work for me)....1) Being adhd, we can tend to have lots of energy that we gear towards certain things, (work, hobbies, sex etc.) we can be high performer's on our jobs, in our bedrooms, and in the world of hobbies, games etc....BUT, we have deficiencies that make us like loose cannon's in REAL area's of life, that end up being intrusive or punishing to our spouses....*Memory* (In my busy life ages 20 to 56) I lived with a piece of paper in my front pocket...A daily check list of reminders...I checked them off at completion, and added as needed...Had a new updated list each morning.....Life saver for efficiency!...It's easy to NOT see the big picture of life, to get tunnel visioned, hyper focused or distracted by unimportant things...This has to be dealt with, with awareness, it's our responsibility to know we have strong tendencies to do this.....What makes any person hopeless is when we excuse our crap!...Instead of owning it...I can't tell you all my great strengths, and think that makes all the other intrusive B. S. OK....LOL....No!
I have to mange my life, my emotions, my sex drive, my every aspect of living....No matter what my wife does or don't do....I can't make or force her to be anything...No matter what she vowed to do or be....I must calmly walk away when she isn't receptive to my approaches....When I'm living with awareness, and peaceful, she is much more receptive....But even if she wasn't, any thing I do or say that isn't loving is 100% wrong....I will never answer for her sins, nor will she answer for mine....Marriage takes lots of patients and lots of work!
Blessing to you BigLifts
c
Wow! My Husband Just Said This To Me Last Night!
Submitted by NewlyMarriedtoADHD on
The timing of your post is incredible. My husband got so upset at me just last night for this exact same reason. So I'm replying to your post from the voice of the non-ADHD wife married to my ADHD husband.
The biggest thing over the years that has eroded my joy and feeling of closeness for my husband is his extreme mood swings and outbursts (sometimes silent and cold) of anger. It has deeply hurt my feelings toward him. As a woman I need to feel close to my husband in order to be intimate with him. His anger ranges from every 48 hours to up to a week without an outburst. He is irritable, easily annoyed, easily angered and doesn't know how to control it. I've told him "you go from zero to sixty" over the littlest things.
We just found out he may have ADHD. He is the one who realized this about two weeks ago. He showed me the list of symptoms and bingo he had 90% of them. Before we got married I thought he was just depressed from getting a divorce where his ex-wife cheated on him. I thought depression could be healed. Now we're married (6 months in) and I feel like we're facing or first "for better or worse" challenge. Someone else commented scripture from the Bible and I appreciated that because I wanted to mention that as well. I am a woman of God and the Bible does say that I am to satisfy his physical needs and he mine. That's not a problem for me, my problem is his anger. My problem is what his anger has done to me. My problem is how his anger has turned me into a person I don't want to be. My problem is what his ADHD outburts are doing to our marriage. The few times that I did initiate sex he turned me down! Being a woman that really hurt because your told that "men want sex all the time" (basically) so to be rejected left a lasting impression.
I'm praying for God to heal my husband. Because our current situation is no way to live. He's upset I don't initiate sex and I'm upset that he's constantly in a bad mood.
I made a covenant and I am going to fight for my marriage. I also believe in miracles. I think you should too. If you really want to save your family, you need to fight the good fight for your marriage. You cannot give up. The grass isn't greener on the other side. Sow into your wife with ZERO expectations of sex. Let her heal from all the pain that ADHD has caused. If she's anything like me then she just wants to be married to someone who isn't going to blow up on her. When no matter what you do, your husband still gets upset because of his ADHD, it's crushing. It's like all my dreams for happiness have been destroyed. But like I said I am believing for a miraculous healing for my husband and our marriage. Don't give up. Don't suggest an open relationship. Don't think that divorce is the answer! The devil wages war against marriage and against unity and against family. Know that you're in a battle and if not for yourself fight for your son. If your still blowing up then you haven't done absolutely everything you can. How about just not blowing up? How about jumping off the bed and doing 30 pushs ups instead of blowing up? How about pressing deeper into God and asking Him to change YOU, not her. That's what I'm faced with. That's what I have to do. I have to turn the other cheek every 48 hours. And the pain is excrutiating. But maybe there is a blessing to be had when we make it through the pain. Sometimes all I can do is lean on the Lord. God is my only refuge when my husband lets me down.
I've thought about leaving my husband. I've thought about trying to meet someone else. But I love God too much to actually do it. Because I haven't tried everything possible. I can't give up. I can't imagine how it must feel to only have sex 4-6 times a year... my heart goes out to you. But I want to encourage you to dive deeper into changing yourself so you can be a better husband in the ways that your wife needs. You have no idea how it feels to be the wife of a husband with ADHD. It's extremely painful. I know it's painful for you too, but you can't change her. You can only change yourself and your expectations. Listen to Jimmy Evans on YouTube. He can help us learn how to "die to ourselves" and be the spouces our spouces need.
You're not in this fight alone. I may be coming from the opposite side, but I can tell you the pain is just as painful over here. And the only thing we can do is change ourselves and our expectations. God bless you.
-NewlyMarriedtoADHD
Let them choose
Submitted by Mkarnett2001 on
Not sure what you mean when you say you want God to heal your husband. I'm a realist, and ADHD isn't going anywhere (although, I'm sure all of us do wish that we could get rid of it, right?)
Also, I'm against the idea of staying in a relationship if you are unhappy. That kind of ideology left my mom in a marriage where she felt she couldn't leave even though she was being abused. If this guy or anyone on this site decides that they don't want to stay, then good-they know what's best for them in their situation and everyone has different values.
Not with that kind of attitude
Submitted by NewlyMarriedtoADHD on
You say your a realist? Well you won’t get any miracles with that kind of attitude. You have to have FAITH to expect miracles. That’s my reality and there’s nothing you can say to make me doubt the power of my Heavenly Father.
With that being said, no one is telling anyone what to do. This is a forum on the internet where people post their thoughts and ideas. It’s ridiculous to think that someone’s post isn’t allowing the free choice of another individual to make their own decisions.
The writer specifically said he doesn’t want his family to fall apart. Well guess what? If you get a divorce then your family falls apart! Duh! But if you fight for your marriage, then guess what? You have a fighting chance to keep your family together.
I can add my opinion here if I want to. I have my own values and I can talk about them if I choose to. YOU have the freedom NOT to listen. And to your comment about you not agreeing with that ideology about staying in a marriage because your not happy is hogwash. That’s the problem with SELFISH people in marriage. They’re always thinking about their own needs first. Your Mom being abused is 100% not what this post was about. It’s so annoying when people take something so out of context. Did the writer say he was being abused??? NO. What the heck are you talking about!? Your kind of thinking is exactly why the divorce rate is so high. You don’t just leave your marriage because your not happy. That is so incredibly selfish. You put others before yourself. You put you’re spouses needs and the needs of your children above yourself. That’s how you heal a marriage. NOT by thinking “me first, me first!” You are totally wrong in my opinion. Misery loves company.
I believe
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Everyone has to do what is best based on what they believe is right.
We all have a choice and I made mine. After over a decade of emotional abuse, gaslighting and manipulative behavior on the part of my husband, I filed for divorce. Did I regard my marriage as sacred, did I regard it as a commitment? Absolutely. I couldn't take it anymore. I did what I had to do for me and my children. I tried to make it work for 10 years but I couldn't change anyone but myself. It was heartbreaking. I didn't want to be divorced.
Yes
Submitted by NewlyMarriedtoADHD on
Yes she was responding to me, I was aware of that thank you, and thus the reason I replied back to her. Luckily the original poster (the husband) is the one who has the opportunity to change in this situation. If your husband came on here and made a post I would have told him the same thing. To wake up and realize how damaging explosive anger is and how it most likely effected his wife in a negative way hence why she doesn’t want to have sex anymore.
I agree with you, Mkarnett
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I've not seen anyone's ADHD healed by God or prayer. But I have seen it improved by therapeutic intervention and hard work mainly on the part of the ADHD partner.
The wisdom that has come from seeing your mom in a situation where she felt trapped is valuable. Thanks for sharing and I'm sorry she (and you) had to go through that.
I Can’t Cast My Pearls to Swine
Submitted by NewlyMarriedtoADHD on
“Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.”
Hello Newlymarriedtoadhd....
Submitted by c ur self on
I've read your posts, and they are good news for believers...But not everyone lives by faith in the unseen...There are many responsible adults who post on this site, who have been through the pain and wars that comes from "years" of trying to live in some kind of normal way with their spouses...Only to experience what you have and worse...For years!...
Keep your faith, God is not hindered by nothing but our unbelief, but not everyone believes, and not everyone wants to be witnessed to about his Mercy, Love and Grace!
Bless you friend
c
Newly, all I see
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
... is a "religious" person bragging about their values while calling other human beings pigs and dogs and selfish. I have not called you anything, nor did I even respond to your post, but rather to someone else's thoughts and situation. I won't be reading or commenting further on this thread but wish the OP the best.
I totally agree with Melody
Submitted by sickandtired on
You can’t just put a band-aid on ADHD that says “Jesus”. That is just lazy and a cop out. And what about the uncooperative ADHD angry abusive spouse? They should not be selfish, THEY should put their mate and their children first, not themselves. But they won’t. EVER. So you will just be another martyr I guess. If Jesus could heal ADHD (or any other disease) why the hell are so many innocent people suffering???? Get real lady! Are you so special that you think Jesus will heal your marriage, while letting so many others suffer??? You are setting yourself and your future children up for a lot of misery if you stay with someone who is so abusive. Use your faith to find a better life and a better partner for your life. You are still a newlywed only having spent 6 months married. What you see is the best he will ever be. He will only get worse with your attitude, especially if you have children which requires more responsibility from him.
Neither God nor Jesus ever
Submitted by SJC2021 on
Neither God nor Jesus ever said they will fix the problems of man. Only get you through them. ADHD is a man made problem, not God's.
I admire the faith but it's time to get real here. Meds and therapy are the only hope, and even then its still less than a normal relationship.
Life is short, and caring for an ungrateful, angry, childish ADHD spouse is a waste of the life God gave you people.
Newly....
Submitted by sickandtired on
You said “the grass is not greener” outside of your relationship. I can guarantee you that it is MUCH GREENER once you get the angry abusive person out of your life!
The only
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
When someone has ADD or ADHD they are born with it. Its not something they had a choice over.
Why would my fiance have chosen to have a condition that would cause him to be treated with contempt and disdain by so many people? Diagnosed as a child, He was called a freak by his stepfather and beaten and abused throughout his childhood. He has had to endure people mocking him and rolling their eyes all of his life even by his own family his blood relatives.
The difference between my fiance and others with ADHD is he admits to his condition and has taken control of it. He is not medicated but he worked extensively with a cognitive behavioral therapist to manage his life.
Good for him and you.
Submitted by SJC2021 on
Good for him and you.
Just understand that it is very rare for people with ADHD, especially adults who were undiagnosed their whole life, to change. (NOTE from Melissa - this is a gross generalization that is simply not true. I have asked this poster to stop making these generalized statements as they are against our posting rules.)
I wish you and him luck.
Where you getting this info
Submitted by SamBamiteko_ (not verified) on
Where you getting this info from saying that is rare for people with adhd to change just because that your relationship is not working out don't its applied to everybody.There a lot of succesful people with adhd that have nice marriages.The people who are not changing are in denial that's why marriages with adhd fail.
I get the info from
Submitted by SJC2021 on
(this post has been edited)
I get the info from everywhere. Have you seen the divorce rate for people with ADHD ? It's astronomical. Do some research.
There is a reason the author of this website tells people dating someone with ADHD to WAIT THREE YEARS MINIMUM before marrying them.
Most adults who are diagnosed late in life have become accustomed to doing things their way. They rarely change, and even normals fall under this umbrella.
Getting an adult to admit they have a problem with their brain, how they think, how they behave, and all the other stuff related to ADHD is an impossible task. Please read this website.
The (edited - non-ADHD partner) in the marriage carries the ADHD person just about every time. (edited out)
It is very rare for someone with ADHD to admit they are the problem. That's why they have such high divorce rates. (NOTE from Melissa - it is NOT that rare for someone with ADHD to admit that they contribute to the problems in a relationship, particularly once the ADHD is identified. It is also important that non-ADHD partners admit that they, too, are part of the relationship issues. It takes TWO people to make a relationship struggle...it's not all about the ADHD. divorce comes when EITHER partner is in denial about the role that their own behaviors contribute to the problems they are having.)
Yea I get what your saying
Submitted by SamBamiteko_ (not verified) on
Yea I get what your saying but when your saying the people who have been on meds and therapy for the whole life can't have a normal relationship is crazy.There are a lot of succesful people out there with adhd who have normal lives just like neurotypicals.The reason why divorce rates is so high too because the normals spouse can't wait for the husband to change,the give up instantly.
I tried for almost 12 years
Submitted by sickandtired on
i tried for almost 12 years to help my adhd ex, and the only changing he did was for the worse. I made myself literally sick trying to clear the way for him, but he never tried. When I was sick with asthma and arthritis and pure exhaustion doing Everything, and paying for EVERYTHING, one day he wanted to walk our 6 dogs he had collected, and I said no I don’t feel like it, he angrily said “You kill all of the joy”. How do you think that made me feel???? There are folks on here that have “waited” as you say for 30 and 40 years for their spouse to change and it never happened, because a huge portion of ADHD is denial. Maybe you should look closer at yourself, and stop bullying others who are sharing their experiences trying and failing to help their ADHD partners who won’t help themselves. I’m sorry, but you are so sensitive to criticism that you are taking what we say personally, which is a classic ADHD symptom called rejection sensitive dysphoria. Do your research, and please don’t blame the suffering nons for their ADHD partners’ refusal to grow or be responsible or help themselves. Don’t discount or minimize our experiences and our pain, and quit acting like a victim. Your argumentative and accusing responses prove exactly what we are saying is correct.
Trust me Im not minimize you
Submitted by SamBamiteko_ (not verified) on
Trust me Im not minimize you guys because Im still getting treated bad my dad who has undiagnosed ADHD and no treatment,I came on this website to see how neuroypicals are feeling and not trying to treat my partner bad ,but your saying that all ADHD are bad people escpially the ones who are getting treatment and working their who lives to be like neurotypicals like me.Oh and Im look at my myself everyday.I just don't like how your saying that ALL ADHD people are the same because were not some are responsible for their actions like me.but not a alot.Sorry for any misunderstanding.
In agreement, sort of
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Yes, I agree that many with ADHD can have a healthy relationship, particularly if they address ADHD-related issues they bring to the relationship that are causing issues. The divorce rate is high for a whole lot of reasons, though, not just because a partner gives up instantly. Often (though this may not be the case in your own relationship) the non-ADHD partner has been waiting quite a long time and things have gotten quite bad before the ADHD person finds out about the ADHD...so that's far from 'instant.' In addition, some have simply 'had it' and even if the ADHD partner moves pretty quickly to get the ADHD better under control, the other partner simply doesn't have the energy to hang in there.
And then, of course, there are the couples in which both partners do find the energy to do the hard work and manage to turn things around.
What percentage last?
Submitted by adhd32 on
Melissa,
I wonder if you would be willing to share the approximate percentage of couples who seek your help and actually turn things around. What do you advise when the ADHD partner either doesn't want to seek help or only appeases their partner and half-heartedly participates because things have gone off the rails and their lifestyle is about to change. I realize there are better outcomes if the ADHD person is enthusiastic about working on the relationship. It seems that many of us here are not with that type of partner. What would you advise non spouses with ADHD spouses who do not want to go to therapy or lose interest and things slowly revert to dysfunction?
I know this was addressed to
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
This is an interesting read.
https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-marriage-statistics-personal-stories/#:....
Percentages
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I don't keep percentages like this because it would be meaningless to do so without a baseline test of where they are when they start with me. That said, my impression is that the majority do, in fact, improve their relationship, often quite substantially. I know this to be true with the couples I work with personally, and I get positive feedback from many who take my seminar (which is actually the majority of the people I 'touch' with the exception of the books.) This is why it makes me so sad to see people in this forum 'proclaiming' that there is no way to improve a relationship with a person with ADHD. It's just not true.
The two biggest factors in turning around an ADHD-impacted relationship are #1 that both partners are fully engaged in the work that it takes, and #2 that they have a 'core' to their relationship that is solid for them, even if they are nearing divorce or barely speaking at the moment. This core might be shared values or dreams, or simply an attraction/understanding that they used to have and really treasured. It's not more definable than that, and I can tell you that when I start working with a couple I don't know if they have that core or not (it's usually hidden, even to someone who does what I do for a living.)
Thank you .
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Thank you Melissa.
In a relationship, both Partners have to agree to work to make the relationship better. It does not matter if the people involved have ADD/ADHD.
I appreciate all you do!
Two big factors....Love this!
Submitted by c ur self on
Our core has always been our faith, and love and respect for the "person we watch live", even though we have struggled to put it together in a workable marriage fashion much of our 13 years together...
The number one thing you said; both doing the work, definitely would have made things so much easier to gain understanding, and limit conflict....I've noticed with my wife, even though she can't openly communicate (shame, denial, blame) much of her realities, she will work on her issues, (without speaking about it) if I don't press her, and deliver my thoughts sparingly and kindly...I think she has just recently learned to trust that I love her for who she is, and attention deficient disorder has nothing to do with that part...
c
I also looked at your comment
Submitted by SamBamiteko_ (not verified) on
I also looked at your comment history and all you do is bash on people with ADHD saying that we are the worst people to be married to.So why are you still on this website than you don't help people at all.Like saying we can never be in a "normal relationship" or be "normal people"You exwife had ADHD so why are you still here she your ex,this website is for people in current relationships or marriages.Stop using your own experiences on people with ADHD.
SamBam
Submitted by sickandtired on
You are spending too much of your efforts trying to point fingers at others rather than learn from this site. You said yourself that you came on here to learn how neurotypicals felt, but then you argue with us and accuse us when we honestly tell you how we feel. I know you must not want to hear it, but we are speaking our truth. I’m not going to tell you to get off of this forum because you don’t belong, like you told SCJ. He has every right to be here. Like I said before, you need to look at yourself, and the way you are speaking to us. None of us said all ADHD people are the same. You are stubbornly trying to paint us as mean and judgmental, when we are just trying to learn from our painful efforts to help our ADHD partners. I had many, many arguments with my ex just like this. He twisted my words to absolve himself of his responsibilities, saying everything was my fault, when he should have been looking inside himself and at least trying to improve his behavior. You need to face the fact that you were not born neurotypical. You can’t just learn to become neurotypical; you have to work with the brain you were born with to improve your behavior. You should make a genuine effort to look inside yourself. Your words and accusations show me that you are not looking hard enough, that you have comfortably settled into the victim role and therefore it’s someone else’s fault. I wonder how your partner feels. Please quit blaming us for the fact that you were born with ADHD, and you don’t want to acknowledge the full extent of our pain, and do something about YOU.
Do not ask for sex until you solve other issues
Submitted by honeybee14 on
My husband has ADHD and he too wants to have sex 3 times a week or more. He complains to me he wants me to try harder, invest more time in connecting and initiate sex. He will initiate daily because he says it increases the chances I'll say yes...... what crazy logic is that?! How romantic? What a way to feel important!! He doesn't seem to understand his impulsive sexual nature is likely a symptom of his ADHD and the exact reason I don't want to have sex with him( or anyone )in the first place. His anger has ruined our marriage and my ability to trust him. he's done and said so many hurtful things while on emotional rants, that my self esteem is shot and my confidence in his feelings for me are gone. I'm sure your wife feels similarly. The more you ask her for sex, the less she wants to try. I immediately shut down when he asks. I have a physical reaction to him approaching me or trying to discuss it. I tense up, grind my teeth and panic. Many years of dealing with irrational anger outbursts, forgetfulness, emotional neglect have left me intimately disconnected from him. I suspect it's similar to a PTSD reaction. I would suggest you really try and figure out WHY your wife isn't into sex. Solve that before you bring it up again. You making it a big deal could be just another thing she sees as selfish or draining. NOONE wants to have sex with someone they don't feel seen or appreciated by. You could be missing and entire perspective here. I know my husband with ADHD struggles with self awareness and empathy. He simply cannot see from anyone else's perspective. And when he does he rarely apologizes or acknowledges it. I call it his tunnel vision. His problems are always a priority and a must fix issue. My problems are always exaggerated on my part and over looked. I didn't end up this way by accident. He puts so much pressure on having sex, that sometimes I would rather be anywhere than with him. Be careful how much pressure you apply.
I think my husband's desire for sex is linked to his impulsive nature. His refusal to acknowledge his unrealistic demands makes me hate him.
Exactly Honeybee!
Submitted by sickandtired on
Nobody wants to have sex with someone who is chronically angry, or who has been nagging them for it.
On the lighter side, here is a video that might explain his daily requests for sex. It seems like he may be using the using the “Boomhauer technique”:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=N7FVmeJXwCY