I am a 38 f married to a 39 m. We have been married for almost 15 years and have two children. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD about a year ago when I brought up my unhappiness with the house work load balance. We've worked to put some things in place to help accommodate these issues, but the biggest issue that I have in the marriage is the lack of priority setting. For a large majority of my relationship my needs don't seem to be important to him. I have tried to make sure I express my needs verbally in an easily understood manner and use key words and phrases like, "This is important to me"... and " I need this..." We don't seem to be making any progress with this portion of our marriage. When he expresses his needs and wants I feel like I have to jump through hoops, but he is so unfazed.
An example of this is our upcoming anniversary. In the past I have planned almost all of our vacations alone. We've always tried to have a short vacation for our anniversary, just the two of us. Last year we agreed to go to the mountains, we discussed the location, all I needed him to do was find a place. We had an agreed upon weekend, where we could make it work without taking the kids. He simply just didn't do it. So the week before we were supposed to take this time for our anniversary. I find that he just didn't do it. And it's not that he didn't have the time. It's just that he prioritized other things instead of taking the time to do it. We also run into this issue when I ask to make plans and then one of his friends asks after that to make plans. Usually he will cancel with me, let me down, and do what his friends ask.
I don't find this to be a symptom of his ADHD. I find this to be selfishness and that he deems other things more important. I guess it wouldn't hurt so bad if I felt like it wasn't intentional, but I don't think when you tell someone that something is really important to you and they understand that and do the opposite anyway.
To me, sadly, it looks like ADD
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I'm so sorry about this. I have had the same experiences with my ADD ex husband. It's spot on and so typical for the ADD I've seen.
If unable to prioritize, plan and decide, an ADD person is happiest if they can string along with somebody else's plan. Which means a friend's ready-made plan is always preferred to a plan the ADD person needs to take some responsibility for.
Yes it feels selfish to a spouse. Yes it's almost unbearable to feel your needs are not a priority, let alone shoulder the unfair burden, doing everything the ADD person doesn't do when it comes to planning and execution. Its no fun to do it alone. It's your supposedly joyful moments - anniversaries, vacations - that turn into disappointments every time.
Ive had this depressing reality for a couple of decades. When my ex was finally diagnosed it became clear it was ADD behind his disability to make plans, decide and make things happen. If he could, he would have done differently by me. He was perpetually ashamed that he couldn't. I'm 100% convinced it was non-intentional and just ADD symptoms.
Another thing I saw was how the ADD mind was always caught in the present. The future was blank and impossible to talk about and plan. The past was dimly remembered. Agreements were completely forgotten most of the time, and priorities too.
Again, I'm so sorry. I wish nobody had to experience this kind of thing. It's been downright awful and I'm still struggling with it.
Yep
Submitted by honestly on
I agree with Swedish. But I also know that selfishness and ADHD can look and feel identical (My mum calls my OH's ADHD 'SGS' - selfish git syndrome). And really does it matter what the intention is, or if it's caused by one neurodivergence or another, when the effect is so hurtful (and they are well informed enough to know and do better)?
My own experience has been very similar. I have got past the hurt and now am in a state of resignation and inertia.
I don't think there's a fix, tbh. I've just got used to finding joy elsewhere.
It's sad. I'm sorry.
X
Not even aware of the harm they cause
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Honestly, you certainly have a point. I also wonder at the ADD incapacity to see the harm they've caused.
I got a lot of "your feelings are not my responsibility, they're yours" at the painful end of our marriage. That whole concept of ignoring the pain you've caused by deceiving and using a trusting person makes small horns bud on my forehead to be honest.
True, it might be just as useful to describe the oblivious ADD person as a selfish git. The end result for a spouse is the same either way.
Same here
Submitted by Catterfly on
I asked my (then undiagnosed) husband when we got married to please, please, PLEASE make a small surprise for me on our honeymoon. I told him I needed him to do something - anything - that I could remember going forward and know that was his contribution to our memories of the wedding. He had let me down on everything else he was supposed to do for the wedding/honeymoon planning. I only assigned him one task that was up his alley (ie music), and asked for his input on the other decisions, and he didn't deliver on the music or engage in any of the decision making. So I wanted him to make a restaurant reservation, or find a cool thing to go see...anything. That was 17 years ago. He didn't do ANYTHING but show up to the wedding.
In the intervening years I've tried to get him to plan literally anything for us, telling him "it's my love language", or "small surprises are meaningful for me", or just simply "please plan this part of this annual event this time".
He did NOTHING. In 17 years.
Even more difficult to comprehend is the fact that, after leaving him three weeks ago, he has planned multiple fun things weekly for the kids.
So it was never a matter of capability. It was a lack of prioritizing our relationship. A lot of negligence. And I think even a bit (or a lot?) of passive aggression.
In my non expert opinion, yes, what you described is ADHD. It can change if he wants it to, but so many of us are coming to realize that there's no motivation to change. It's so very difficult for us to understand. I'm so sorry.
wow one point you made really
Submitted by catlover1000 on
wow one point you made really resonates. My wife couldn't get it together for our anniversary two years in a row but yet has no problem planning and executing birthday stuff for her multiple co-workers. Makes no sense. I don't even think she remembered when I told her how much she hurt my feelings last year.
Lack of priority setting feeling like selfishness
Submitted by FrustratedSpouse on
I have been married to who I believe to be an undiagnosed ADHD spouse for 36 years. Our 29 year old daughter was diagnosed last year and shared the information with me. It explains so much of my frustration with my husband through the years. How could he hear that I feel like I manage everything, and that I love when someone else takes the lead to make plans, and never hears me enough to take the initiative to act and plan? When I read about ADHD and how they don't get positive brain signals for prioritizing, planning and executing task that accomplish goals, goals like taking initiative to do things on behalf of the family; goals like making me feel good on my birthday by planning a simple surprise, it explains a lot. It seems like they are being selfish but they actually have no clue. So I empathize with you, and just say that you have to keep advocating for yourself, and perhaps not infer that he doesn't love you because he isn't able to prioritize you. He probably isn't able to prioritize anything beyond what he is creatively involved in at a given moment. In a way, it requires us to readjust our expectations, and decide whether there is enough good in the relationship to merit the patience that it takes to remind them of what our needs are in terms of being a good partner and sharing the work of being a family. Sending much empathy your way.
i don’t understand
Submitted by honestly on
I feel sometimes that I am being especially harsh and even stupid about this stuff, but I am baffled. You get the two good years when you're their hyperfocus and they can't do enough for you. Treats and trips and thoughtful little gifts. They get the dopamine hits from being nice to you, so they are at that time capable. Then when you're in an established relationship they get bored, dopamine lessens and they can't be bothered any more. They could bother if they chose to - mine can organise trips for himself, for eg - but not for us, or me. And they do, intellectually, know what's required. So maybe it's more that their brains don't allow them to do this for us, but it will let them do it for themselves and others. Because we don't provide the dopamine-supply anymore. Which, to me, is pretty much natire-identical to selfishness. Specific, spouse-focussed selfishness. 'You don't give me that nice little buzz anymore, so why would I bother giving you anything at all?'
But this is possibly a Me and Him thing, rather than an everyone with ADHD thing.