Hubby who has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and I have been going to marriage therapy. His issues are mostly ADHD related and mine are issues of anger and resentment. Even though things have gotten so much better for us I can’t seem to shake the feelings of constant fear that something is going to go wrong again and he is going to break his promises or mess up royally again. He’s driven drunk for example and has had gambling problems but has nipped those in the bud. Anyhow, our therapist is recommending I go on antidepressants for a while so I can combat my anxiety and anger issues. She says anxiety and depression doesn’t always manifest as feeling low and wanting to sleep, which doesn’t happen to me. Generally I am a very positive and productive person but the anger and fear and resentment gets to me a lot. What are all of your thoughts on antidepressants for the non-adhd spouse? I have never had mental health issues and a part of me is thinking if he didn’t eff up so much and make me into this angry monster, I wouldn’t be in this position. Feeling weird about it all but also want to make my marriage work, for us and for the kids. If he is willing to put in the work and get meds, etc. for his issues, should I too? He really has been turning things around.
Antidepressants
Submitted by SandeeBee on 06/20/2019.
I have never been on antidepressants...
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
...but they seem to help with the symptoms of anxiety and depression, at least for my family members who have tried them.
I have a 30 year history of depression, and have chosen not to take antidepressants. In general, I don't like being on medications. I am working on losing weight so I can stop taking my BP pills. For me, taking antidepressants would not have helped. My depression was related to my being married to an abusive and controlling man. The only thing that would help me was to leave him, which I did. In my situation, I don't think it would have made things better.
You could try medication and see if it helps. I wish you the best.
Hi there, commenting here NOT
Submitted by Ceemo22 (not verified) on
Hi there, commenting here NOT as a professional, but as one human to another.
I had a similar experience relating to the extreme PMS (PMDD) I endured every month. Every month, like clock work, my sex drive, energy level, and mood would all plummet pretty drastically and we would fight. Even though I was able to track this using an app and I made him aware of all of the issues I was having surrounding this time of the month, every month he would threaten to leave and was unable to connect the dots. When you're at your lowest, it becomes difficult to remind everyone around you that you need help, especially every 24 days. At any rate, after being told he was leaving about a dozen times, I was finally able to see a doctor regarding the issue, whose only recommendation was an anti depressant. After researching the side effects of the medication and how awful some of the experiences had been for people when adjusting the dosage and then having to wean off the meds if they weren't a good fit, I personally decided that it wasn't for me. I also thought that it was unfair that I should take medication around the clock when all I really needed was a few days a month where I was loved, supported, and given a break. In my personal experience at least, my husband was not really working on any of his anger issues or acknowledging the fact that he had a problem at all. I was able to "manage" these issues the other 24 days of the month, while he couldn't even bother to manage mine for a few days.
I'm in a similar boat as you, where I'm so incredibly full of rage and resentment that I literally can't stand anything that he does. He calls me out on this frequently, that I "blame him for everything" and that I will literally defend anyone over him. He's not wrong and I don't know how to change it.
What I've decided to try though is to work on myself and stop obsessing over his faults. My plan is to improve me physical, mental, and emotional state so that no matter what happens, I will be ok. In my case, I think I spend so much time wishing things were different that I get swallowed up in depression and the resentment is eating away at me. At least for me, I'd like to try this before going straight to medication.
That's just me though :) If you truly think that this would help you, then it definitely can't hurt to try!
Pms
Submitted by SandeeBee on
The older I get the more I find PMS is affecting me too. It’s like an out body experience sometimes, the anger and rage I feel. Thinking it might be worth checking out my hormones before meds. I need to talk to my doctor to figure it all out. Thanks for your advice!
Out of body experience sums
Submitted by Ceemo22 (not verified) on
Out of body experience sums that up perfectly :) I definitely think having your hormones checked would be a great start, and as the other poster mentioned - St. John's Wort or other natural mood enhancers may be good too. I was taking one called "New Mood" by Onnit and that was definitely helping a lot.
Doctor also suggested anti depressants
Submitted by vabeachgal on
In the past, my therapist also suggested a referral to a doctor for anti depressants or anti anxiety medication to help me deal with the chaos. I was told that I was situationally depressed. Like the other poster, I didn't want to take medication long term to compensate for someone else not dealing with their own problems. My ex H couldn't manage to keep a prescription refilled,let alone do anything else regarding treatment. I ended up taking St. John's Wort. It was helpful for me. I still take it. My doctor discovered that profound stress had depleted my body of vitamins and I was dangerously low on the B vitamins and Vitamin D and thyroid enzymes. In fact, I ended up having to take Vitamin B injections for about six months. I told a friend that I was a walking zombie, I just didn't know it. I had chronic GI problems and horrible joint pain. I was always fatigued and irritable. Get a full checkup by your primary care physician. Chronic stress takes a toll. I will tell you that post divorce, I may have had a bad day or two, but I haven't been depressed or anywhere near depressed. I got a bad rep in the marriage for being so angry, sad, resentful and "not supportive". The therapist mentioned that it might be a "normal" but not very useful reaction to the circumstances. It became easy for my ex H to blame me for everything or take the attitude that nothing he did was ever right. He was correct. I reached the point where I felt that he was a total f*()) up. Even when I explained to my husband that it was situational depression, there was no desire to change. Sigh. This response still makes me angry. Even when I told him that the circumstances were causing depression and physical problems, he still couldn't connect it to his behaviors or manage any change. In fact, the straw that broke the camel's back was his now "classic" response...."I feel bad for you, but that's all on you." That response caused a deep reaction to all of the years of no empathy or support. It spurred me to action. Not only were his lies defining my reality, but his behaviors were hurting me physically and emotionally.
In a sense it was on me. We were separated in our own home which was awkward. It took awhile. I refused to finalize the divorce until I was ready. LOL. It wasn't as if he was going to get off his bum and do it anyway. hahahhaha. I used the time to settle myself, work on myself and get stronger. By the time the divorce was final and the house was sold, I was ready. I did find benefit in not dwelling on his issues and focusing on me. In fact, research shows that ruminating changes your brain chemistry and it takes awhile to correct it.
Best wishes to you.
I believe I left one
Submitted by Ceemo22 (not verified) on
I believe I left one "situational depression" environment while living with my mom to another when I moved out with my H when I was 19 and pregnant. I found your comment about ruminating interesting, as I can see how true that is and how consumed I am with it. I'm glad you were able to put yourself first and hope you finally have some peace. Your comment about having to take the initiative to actually get the divorce made me literally LOL. Thanks for sharing!
Reading this thread, has made me need med's....LOL....
Submitted by c ur self on
When a husband (and I am one, but if the shoe fits?) is so self centered, and so uncaring, as to not be understanding w/ REAL issues in his wife's life....He needs to get his shit and get....What is causing the biggest part of you ladies stress and anxiety (based on these posts) is the Dick Headed, thoughtless uncaring attitudes of your Self Centered Husbands.....And I do not usually talk like this....BUT....I'm not apologizing....WOW....
This is not add/adhd....It's definitely a heart issue....So NEVER excuse a lack of love, caring, and understanding from a spouse!....In this world we (society) force/expect women (wives & mothers) into impossible roles of responsibility....Because of our greed, and worldly lust... (got to have it)...So many end up working outside the home, working in the home, raising and training children, all w/ little to no help or support....Then the thoughtless and unsupportive husband, wonder's why she isn't always happy and ready to get naked on a whim!....We men can be some insensitive jerks :(
I will add one other thing right here...If you as a wife and/or mother are pursuing this impossible life style (putting your own life lusts head of your vowed responsibilities, then you are a major part of the problem)...I suggest you do not fall into the traps of " Doing More" at the cost of your healthy and sanity....
To the original poster....The next time your husband hits you w/ words of expectations or threats...(What's your problem, I'm going to leave you etc..etc...) Instead of words of love and compassion.... I think I would hold the door open for him....At some point you need to take charge of your life (we can't allow ourselves to be used thoughtlessly, if we can avoid it)....Never allow thoughtless words and actions from others to create stress in our lives....We have to know when to walk away.....No I don't need pills...I need peace w/ my creator....And peace in my marriage and home....I can find the first...Because God is faithful and has made provisions for my peace (Christ)...But the second takes to two hearts equally yoked...Its much more difficult...
I will pray for you....
c
I agree
Submitted by SandeeBee on
I get all your points. As a woman and mother I feel just too spread thin sometimes and I suffer, not in silence though! My husband and I have had many conversations around what really needs to change in our life in order for us to be better for eachother and our kids. We have considered selling our home and downsizing, me taking some years off work, etc. There is a lot we would do to make it work. But then I am also scared to leave an amazing government job and risk it all only to end up divorced because he won’t put in the effort to change things and get treatment. I’m very wary of going straight to meds too but on the other hand I can be monstrous some days and think it would help. Thanks for all the support!
SandeeBee.....
Submitted by c ur self on
My first wife (lost her w/ breast cancer at age 49) had a good government job also...She was a very sweet and loving person (carried a big load on the job)...But suffered w/ some anxiety and OCD issues (trichotillonamia)....She felt bad a lot...Most of it was just giving in to the demands of life, as she saw them....Soda's, no exercise etc......It created a tired wife, one who pushed me away a lot....Not because she didn't love me...Just because of being tired and stressed out, which cause the lack of desire, cially in women....
You may already do these things....But if not....Taking walks around your job site on your breaks and lunch times...Maybe getting exercise 30 to 45 minutes of raising your heart rate most days...Leaving off sugar and caffeine, and drinking a lot of water...I retired at age 56 due to a back issue and the load I was carrying at home (add wife, not domestic, very messy and hoardified.. LOL)...I bought a road bike, joined a gym, and eat and drink much healthier....It changed my life.....I have a lot of stamina and energy for my age (62)....My wife feels so much better when she does these things...Of course it's hard for her to not get distracted for periods w/ other things....Also (while you are walking) try deep breathing, and giving your concerns (try to leave them there) to your creator during those walks....It works:)....
I've been part of what you are dealing w/....I care....
c
I have to admit that I never
Submitted by Ceemo22 (not verified) on
I have to admit that I never appreciate your comments because you act so "high and mighty" when your wife uses you as a doormat. You're judging women for putting themselves before our "vows," yet you allow your wife to literally do whatever she wants, while you remain unhappily married out of religious obligation. That is not peace, that is complacency.
Thanks for your honesty Ceemo22
Submitted by c ur self on
How can anyone grow w/o hearing honesty from others?.....In reply to your comment....I know many people do not understand me....I want to be happy, don't get me wrong...I'm human as the next man....But, at what cost? How do compare, seeking happiness in this short life, vs's, eternity in paradise?....I know many people choose to pursue happiness in this life, I see it everyday......And I know there are also many many believers, who happen to be equally yoked, and very happy...So I try to set my priorities based on these convictions....
My anxiety was at an all time high when *** I *** was the focus of my life, instead of Jesus and others....I had much rather live (and die) as a loving doormat who is faithful...Then someone who follows my own fleshly desires, and justify them, so I can feel good about myself, and ward off conviction...At the end of the day, if my wife doesn't or can't put effort or energy into keeping ***her vows***...I will not be judged for that....But...I will be for every word and action I put forth in this marriage.....
As for the high and mighty comment....I can only ask you to forgive me for coming off like I got it all figured out....Most of what I share is only my goals, and the attitudes and thought processes that has helped alleviate my own suffering and anxiety....(I go back and re-read much of it to encourage me when I am tempted, or have fallen back into an enabling or mothering role...)
Just trying to help and love others.....So sorry I've offended you....
Thank you again for your candor!
c
I am not religious and don’t
Submitted by SandeeBee on
I am not religious and don’t tend to prescribe to gender roles so none of that really matters to me. All I know is what is or isn’t working for our life right now and we want to make it better. I also don’t intend to suffer my whole life as life is too damn short. We all deserve to be healthy, happy people capable of raising our kids to be the best they can be. I respect each person’s opinions and beliefs. To each their own!
To each their own.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I agree.
Every person is different. I had to do what was right for me and my children. I thought about how my children would be affected if I stayed married to their abusive/controlling Father. At first, he only treated me badly behind closed doors, but near the end, he was not afraid to "be his true self" around his family. I was afraid that our son would think it was OK for a man to abuse his wife, and that our daughter would think all men were like her Dad, and that by me allowing it, and staying with him, I was saying it was OK.
I had people say to me: "God hates divorce". That may be, but I'm sure the Lord did not intend for me to suffer abuse daily, and for my children to witness it. I would be heartbroken to have them grow up and either seek out an abuser, or wind up being abusive themselves.
Life is the longest thing any of us will ever do...I don't intend to spend whatever time I have left feeling depressed, unloved and wishing I were dead.
G
My husband isn’t abusive, is
Submitted by SandeeBee on
My husband isn’t abusive, is an incredible father and would do anything for us. That’s where the adhd comes in handy, when he loves something so much he is all in. It’s all the small things that aren’t so small to me anymore that pile up and cause me stress; not finishing renovations, keeping promises, being on time, messiness, napping everyday when there is stuff to do, staying up late to binge watch tv, obsessed with his phone, among many other things. On top of that our romantic and sex life suffer. It’s truly like I have a third kid some days. But there are also times he is amazing. I’m also so proud of how far he’s come in his career and in life despite his issues. I truly do love him. It’s a constant battle and right before my time of the month I get crazy and feel like I want a divorce! The acne sucks too lol.
I completely understand where
Submitted by Ceemo22 (not verified) on
I completely understand where you're coming from. I often refer to my H as "Doctor Jekkyl and Mr. Hyde" because there's this nasty person that comes out all the time and it just doesn't seem to be "him."
The first house we bought was old and outdated. Like nothing had been done to the house in at least 25 years. There were other houses in the area, for cheaper, that had been completely renovated. He insisted we buy the old, rundown house because he loved it and promised that he would fix it up for me. I was supposed to "trust him" and "believe in him" and all that crap. So I did. 11 years later, the siding is literally rotting and there is a massive hole in the garage door where the wood has also rotted. If I bring these things up, it becomes a ridiculous fight about how I blame him for everything and all the bad things in our life are all his fault. (God forbid he do any personal reflection)
The messiness is something I can't get over either. He used to get mad when I would put his things away, so I stopped. If I threw away something that looked like trash he'd get mad that I threw his important things away, so I stopped. Now I just pile all of his crap up in one space and that still makes him upset because apparently it's rude. When I come home from work after 8 hours and the house is a wreck he will swear that he cleaned all day. When i ask specifically what he did he usually replies that he "loaded the dishwasher" or "did one load of laundry." None of this would be such a large issue, except I've never been "allowed" to not have a job and god forbid I be unemployed for a bit and not clean and have dinner cooked. Like I said before, the resentment has been piling up for quite a bit.
His mom and grandma are in town visiting for 10 days and I asked him to get the house ready. Day 1 he did a few loads of laundry and that's it. "I feel like I let you down today" was his thought when I got home from work. I had a bit of an outburst and said that I'm tired of everyone in our household completely ignoring my feelings and not helping. He thought I was crazy, but pretended to be supportive. I called out of work the next day because there was no way I was going to be able to clean out entire house and yard between the time I got home and the time they were arriving. Did he help me that day? No. What he did do was spend the entire day playing a video game while I cleaned around him. Although I had communicated my frustrations and feelings, I was ignored yet again, and it's all a big joke to him.
I'm sorry for rambling, but I completely get where you're coming from. Little things compiling over a decade start to eat away at you and become something that can't just be ignored. I'm so sorry :(
I’ve also been married for 11
Submitted by SandeeBee on
I’ve also been married for 11 years! My experience isn’t quite as bad as yours but still not great and I understand you completely. I’ve been waiting for eavestrough to be put up on my fixer upper for 6 years! We’ve renovated the house to about 70% and he’s done a great job but the 30% still left is really getting to me and because he’s in construction he refused to pay someone else to do it. Arghhhhhh
11 here also....
Submitted by c ur self on
I want add to the list...you ladies have said it so perfectly!...My job is to try to live with all those behaviors you've listed, and still maintain my love, peace and grace....Huge difference's (for me) when you live in the same space, takes a lot of grace, forgiveness, acceptance and boundaries....It's like Sandeebee was saying about those amazing moments....I love those also, but, I can't afford to get to high (forgetful) in those moments, because the thoughtless selfish acts may be right on their heels....And it's taken 11 years, but, I'm done w/ the fighting!....I want us both to have a peaceful life....But, we are so different in the way we think life should be lived, (or I guess I should say capable of living it to a degree) it's always going to have be....What is possible, and maintain a healthy interaction?...Not what her or I want......We started down to many unplanned roads in life, only to get part of the way down, just to find out...Uh Oh! She's saying left, and I'm saying right....So our marriage may never favor anything typical.....:)
Doing too much
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
This is so much my life! I have been married 17 years. The little and big things have piled up and I am angry and resentful. I am trying to work on that because I understand my resentment hurts me... he goes on happy as a clam no matter how upset I am!!
I think that if there is un- or under-treated adhd, the non partner is always going to end up doing too much... no matter what. Kids need parenting, money needs to be made and dinner needs to get on the table, right? But I have cut out as much as possible over the past few years. He loses his keys/wallet/phone/glasses constantly and I no longer participate in the scramble to find these things on a daily basis. He screams that "no one helps him" and is a real jerk to me as he stomps around, but I try to tell myself he's mad at himself and I stay unaffected by these episodes now. I don't do his laundry anymore. No underwear? Not my problem. My husband never wears matching socks because he can't find two of the same. Everyone notices and comments. Not my problem. I put his messes in "his room" very unceremoniously now. Yes, he thinks it's rude, but I don't care. It's rude to leave a trail of crap wherever you go and never pick it up. He spills coffee down our kitchen cupboards most mornings and runs out the door, leaving the mess for me. Now I put a post-it on the mess rather than clean it. "Please wipe up the coffee."
I have tried so hard to have respectful and vulnerable conversations with him over the years and sadly I have reached this point that is so "not me." I readily picked up the slack a few years into our marriage, but that's when I thought we had give-and-take. When the hyperfocus wore off, and especially when we had our child and life got exceedingly more difficult, his role became taker only. Sadly, I think I can only draw these lines because I have given up hope that we will ever have a marriage like we did in the early years. Apathy. I have crossed the line. This is not a marriage at all anymore. It is a single guy who wants no responsibility and who wants to live on his terms with as little interaction and consideration of his wife and child as possible.
Anyway, this turned into a bit of a self-serving rant (sorry!), but what I intended to write was that there are ways to draw SOME boundaries and do a little less and take back some of your sanity if you really look hard for them. I think if I had known about boundaries earlier, I might have drawn them then before I got to this point. (Hey, maybe next time you can arrange to be out of town when Mom and Grandma come to stay and leave him responsible for the cleaning for a change!!! Then he'd either see all you do or they would see how he lives. Either way, HE would have to be responsible.)
Thanks so much for all these posts. However sad and frustrating it all is, it helps to know we're not alone!
Anger and resentment....
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm glad you vented Melody...Some times it helps....Do you feel better? ;)...Seriously though...I think your post, and this thread, tells the story of many of our lives. (our day to day reality's)....I just wanted to compliment you for forcing accountability, by not running behind him....He will grow, and you can hopefully start healing from the anger and resentment....I have been doing the same; (attempting to)....My wife is somewhere between very messy and a light hoarder....And I get the identical stuff you get (rude comments, the lashing out to not to talk to her, when she is rushing, which is most any time she isn't sleeping or in front of a TV, it's ok for her to talk to me, the will u, will u will u's when she intentionally lays in bed to long hitting snooze, etc)....Always rushing and in panic mode about what she can't find....
The very saddest part about some of these chaotic behaviors is she refuses to learn....I've tried to encourage her in simple terms how to create good habits....This one thing alone is why I loose patients, and walk away, and allow her to struggle....I know she has difficulty w/ the way her mind works...But join the club, so do many many others...But when you refuse to change little things, like putting your stuff in the same place....Getting up a few minutes early to ensure timeliness and calmness when getting ready to go some where....Add is no reason to not learn discipline skills....It's a great reason why they are vital....I guess it's just impossible for a spouse to be a life coach for their spouse...No matter how much you love them, and want to see them with a calmer, less stressful life...
But for you and I and many others...if we are going to continue to live in the same space, it's vital that we learn to separate what is there responsibility's and what is ours....So much of our anger and resentment builds around taking ownership of what isn't ours, and we can do absolutely nothing about...All we accomplish by trying is, we get this gift of negative emotions we are dealing with....
My wife has taken off to visit our oldest son and his wife in Texas...They are moving here (They have a Tiny House) Tuesday and Wednesday...Her parents flew there from their home in Ga...to help them...She informed me before she left Thursday morning that our son and daughter in law and her parents will be staying in our home Wednesday night...I told her that she should stay here and get the house ready (she has junk every where) so she wouldn't have to be under pressure trying to get it ready...Oh no, they are going to ride intertubes down a river somewhere this weekend...No way she is going to miss that....That's just the way she lives (puts her time, $, and efforts toward)... Completely frivolity minded, above all other priorities...But, I'm like you in these things....I'm going to do the normal cleaning I always do...But I want touch her crap or her messes....Nor will I be here when she rushes back from her good times, a day ahead of them (maybe) to be asked and pestered into helping her....She has insisted on me having to live in messes I would not choose...But I dang sure ain't going to touch it for others....If she is ashamed of it for them to see it or be in it...Good....she should be....I sure am....I wasn't raised to be lazy and live in filth and messes....
Just reading your post, and the post of the other ladies....It's always the same response when we force them to own their messes and junk....They become Victims...You don't love me, the pouting, the blaming, it's just the product of denial (refusing to see themselves)...LOL....Yep!....They don't realize we are doing them the best favor we could ever do by not running behind them....We are doing our best to help them grow up and learn responsibility....And for us to be able to live along side them, and attempt to focus on the good things...:)
c
C, so much of this was familiar for me!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
But for you and I and many others...if we are going to continue to live in the same space, it's vital that we learn to separate what is there responsibility's and what is ours....So much of our anger and resentment builds around taking ownership of what isn't ours, and we can do absolutely nothing about...All we accomplish by trying is, we get this gift of negative emotions we are dealing with....
I agree with you that we are doing the right thing by trying to keep our spouses accountable and responsible. Honestly, I don't know if I'm getting much in the way of results (there seems to be little to none in the way of learning better habits), but he does do his own laundry now. That's something! Yes, it's at the last minute and no he doesn't put it away (piles everywhere!)... but I feel less resentment and I guess that is a pretty decent result after all!
I wanted to write about the rushing around you described. This is so familiar! My husband refuses to set an alarm. He thinks his internal clock will always wake him up on time!! And then the mad, angry scramble ensues. It is comforting to know I am not alone. When he used to work, I would intentionally stay in bed until he was out the door so I could avoid the rampage, even though it meant I'd have to rush a little myself!
Partnering with an unwilling/unable partner
Submitted by jennalemone on
Letting go (in various ways) is the only sane response. Some of us have to live not expecting our partners to be partners and not letting their inability/unwillingness to come on board get us angry or sad. That is a tall order for a romantic like me. It is lonely to have to accept that. I am less angry and agitated since I took the stance of letting H sit in his filth and suffer his own consequences as long as I or the kids don't have to share his consequences. I am not proud of our union. H and I have different expectations of ourselves and of love and marriage. Many of the civil/family habits I was brought up with are ignored or rebelled against. ....like gathering for dinnertime or getting ready for bed and sleeping in the bedroom. H's very large family was quite varied in their personal expectations. H has slept on the couch for most of our marriage...even right from the beginning. There is no TV in the bedroom and he falls asleep on the couch with lights on and TV blaring in the family room every night. I used to try to pull him off the couch at nighttime and he would swat me away. For decades I made good meals and had an expected dinnertime. Even when the kids were home, he just wouldn't show up. I and the kids would go find him and tell him to come in and we would wait for him and after decades of us doing that, we just let him be. We went to church. H stayed home. In his world, he has his habits and does not change to accommodate a family. There is no 3rd entity in being married to H (the marriage and family being the 3rd entity). There is only him. And he has set himself up as a soldier for himself to do and live as he wants without compromise. So, in my case, it is not just the ADD. There is also a commitment to family problem we have. And we have grown gradually further apart more and more as I must just let him be who he is and watch him from afar stopping all the trying.
Jenna, what a perfectly descriptive post you wrote this morning.
Submitted by c ur self on
Yes Jenna it is the most difficult thing in the world to be married to someone like we are...Who lives in a self absorbed mind, with no thought or convictions to discipline themselves to meet their obligations to us.....They demand the couch, the white light, the noise, the chaos... It's who they are, and who they want to be!....it's the easy road for them...It's the perfect singles life style..It comes with a built in maid for so many...(Those of us who haven't learned to stop mothering)
They don't want to be a man or women who considers a spouse, or they would show effort, and never justify the lost world they exist in..... That is what acceptance is all about for me...I too am a romantic, I like a lot of closeness....But your post says one thing to me, walk away, turn my malcontent and loneliness into Joy, (our responsibility) and live like they don't exist in all the area's of life they refuse to show up in....what it means to be one flesh to them, isn't what it means for me. I can't and want be a roommate to my wife....Thank you for this wonder truth about acceptance of my wife's reality, and walking away from expecting it to be any different....Acceptance has helped me live as stress free as I possible can be, and still live in the same space as my wife....
c
I'm not religious either....Religion is man made....
Submitted by c ur self on
I have found out in my own life that I can't just stand on ground that say's to each their own...Because that is religion...The very thing I say I'm not....That's why we have so many of them (religions) is this world....
I have to say...Father God what did you have in mind when you created men, women, and when you made the two to be one flesh?...What I have been part of and see so much of is....Opinions by men and women that never produce the happiness that we seem to all so desperately seek...Why? Because my thinking can't produce it....I am fallen, I can never get away from my selfish thinking....I can turn to religion and think I can (deceive myself)...But in the end, I always come up lacking, selfish, prideful, looking down on my wife or someone else....It never ends, and it has always turned out fruitless....My carnal will power eventually lets me down, and I end up wondering how I got here (gloom and despair)....But there is a more excellent way!...And it's not about religious effort....
I have come to understand a few things....It's usually never what I think....It's never about abusing one another....There are many reason's people can't make it in a marriage....And they are all related to broken fallen people....
c
THIS. These are the words.
Submitted by jennalemone on
"I had much rather live (and die) as a loving doormat who is faithful...Then someone who follows my own fleshly desires,..."
I have tried to put the "why" into words about why I have stayed in this marriage. This aversion to what I deem as selfishness (myself) is the WHY. I am not saying it is a good "why" but it is definitely where my heart and mind have been for 40 years. I didn't think I could live with myself if I followed my own desires rather that to sacrifice myself in the duty of being faithful. I am here and have lived the course of "staying" and can tell you that I am regretful for being the doormat. I should have stood up for myself. Yet I am still ambivalent to change my heart and attitude to be any different. I suppose there is some balance to find between doormat and selfishness, but I have work to do in picking myself up off the floor and dusting H's (and others's) footprints off of me. I need a good shaking out. Which is what I have been working on.
C, your words are good for me to have seen in writing coming from someone else. My first response was 'Yes, I agree, that is how I feel too." I thought I would rather think of myself as faithful rather than selfish. I now know that I don't need to be sacrificial to be a loving person.....boundaries. My marriage did not turn out so loving after all these years. We have not turned out to be a loving couple from all my doormat-ish sacrificing. I have just felt sad and angry because I sacrificed.
I don't feel like a doormat Jenna....
Submitted by c ur self on
Everything I know about abundant life, starts w/ giving our life....2 Corinthians 4: 11...The world can never know this...(turning the other cheek is not a carnal attribute for any of us, it takes a higher power living in us) It's only spiritually discerned....
He never said it would be easy, but he did say it would be worth it.....If anything I'm ashamed that I haven't been a calmer wiser husband...Ceemo is half right....I could have calmly accepted that she wasn't ever going to be respectful of her marriage vows and left long ago...But Ceemo was wrong when she said I *allowed* her to treat me like I was a doormat....There wasn't anything I could do to stop it.....(other than leave)
Fight the good fight....
Anti-depressants
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I can only comment on my experience. I was diagnosed with situational depression (like you... no mental health issues here) and went on Paxil. Unfortunately, I experienced many awful side effects, including one that still lingers today and I will likely have forever. I had to come off it after a few weeks. The doctor then tried Wellbutrin with me. Well, let me tell you... I felt like the old me PLUS on it from the first day. However, I had to come off it after a week because I absolutely could not sleep on it. One hour a night max! I was so wired on even the lowest dose taken early in the a.m.! Guess I am sensitive to medications. Wellbutrin has a documented honeymoon period... so it can work fast. Honestly, despite the non-existent sleep, this drug lifted me out of a very deep depression within days and made me see that the old me was in there... so I am grateful. However, I decided after my experience with side effects that I would never drug MYself again to deal with HIS problem. It was a real wake-up call for me. I will leave before I do that again. I have sacrificed enough.
Having said that, I think if anti-depressants could help you and he is really doing his part (my husband was not), then maybe they are worth a try. You are worth it and there is no shame in doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. I think it is a personal decision. Sometimes the depression is so deep, that there is no choice... you gotta do what you gotta do!! There are also many non-medicinal treatments for depression that you could try first if you feel they are right for you. Happily, a lot of these things are also great for your self-care and body.
Thinking of you and so happy your husband is turning things around! :)
antidepressants
Submitted by sarahcarrington on
since you never had mental health issues, have a try no medications first, try to control your mood
Re: antidepressants
Submitted by charleybarleyboo on
Hi SandeeBee -
I only recently joined the forum, so forgive my belated reply. I am trying to distill down my experience for you - 20 years married to an ADHD spouse, most of those years with him not getting treatment or acknowledging his ADHD, and over half of them with me on anti-depressants. Here's what I can tell you from my individual experiences: anti-depressants will not help you with anger or frustration in the long run. In the beginning they may help with a mood boost, but after awhile what you may find yourself left with is not feeling much of any emotion EXCEPT the anger and frustration specifically related to ADHD, if it is not addressed. After many years, this is where I have found myself.
When my mom passed away, I could not cry. When my Grandma passed (who I had a very close relationship with), I barely shed a tear. My brain knew I was sad, but I could not access the physical or nervous system response that was appropriate.
But the anger and the frustration... well, part of me learned to completely shut out the things that were upsetting me in my home and in my relationship with my ADHD spouse. That also only works for so long.
I am in the process of weaning off of SSRI, with support from a therapist who specializing in working with HSPs.
I have seen quite a few non ADHD spouses here identify as either HSP or empath... (personally, I believe HSP is the more useful term because it has a basis in science and is a heritable trait that is evolutionarily important. It is not a dysfunction. It is a superpower, if you can come to understand and embrace it, and most importantly take care of yourself!)
I can only suggest one thing that I feel helps more than any other: have your own individual therapist, and take time trying to find one. When the fit is good, you will KNOW. When it is not, you will always be thinking - "is this as good as therapy gets?" The therapist themself should want that for their patients... for the fit to be right.
If you believe you are highly sensitive, I encourage you to seek out an HSP trained therapist. It will make all the difference. Being validated and being encouraged to embrace who you are (but may have lost touch with) is so empowering. It will not solve all the issues within an ADHD marriage... but it is the right step for many in becoming more clear and strong within yourself... in having more intuition and peace about what you know to be true.
I hope the marriage counseling continues to help, and I encourage you to trust your gut about whether you need medication support or not.
Just because medication maybe the first line of treatment or the right course of treatment for your ADHD spouse does not mean it is also the right course for your health and success.
best wishes to you and anyone else reading this who can relate.
Antidepressants
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I have a long history of depression, 20+ years. I've never been on antidepressants, and that is a choice I've made. My reasoning is that it treats the symptoms, not the situation. Most of my depressed years were spent married to an abusive and controlling man. No amount of antidepressants would have made it better. (That was my reasoning at the time, and I stand by that.) I thought: "Why should I take drugs to deal with my husband's abusive behavior, when HE is the problem"? My depression didn't magically disappear after the divorce, but it improved over time.