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My ex used to do this all the time when he was upset or didn't get what he wanted. I always took it very seriously because my sister had committed suicide years earlier. When he finally agreed to go to couples therapy with me, I brought it up, and the therapist straightforwardly asked him if he was ever serious about harming himself. After what seemed like a lot of reflection, he haltingly said no. The therapist asked him, "knowing how she lost her sister to suicide, do you realize how manipulative that is?"
He refused to go back after that, accusing the therapist of being "against him". The first time he threatened suicide was over the phone, and I had to drive over 30 miles like a crazy person to get to his location, praying I was not too late. I called his sister and brother in law on the way, telling them they need to go to him because they were closer and could get to him quicker than I could. I was shocked by their lack of concern or urgency. Now I know why... he threatened suicide on a regular basis, and would then run away like a petulant adolescent, expecting me to agonize while trying to find him. Like "that will show HER." Threatening suicide is an extremely cruel and manipulative thing to do to anybody, especially when they care about the person.
I tend to agree - many threats to many people over 40 years, all I feel to gain attention and control. Like your therapist, I have asked him if he has ever seriously contemplated killing himself and the same response, no. But he has embedded in my mind a responsibility towards him that I should feel, and a sense of guilt for not wishing to endure this and his other poor behaviour. He can be in a threatening suicidal state one moment, sometimes with an ADHD tantrum, and then happy the next. These issues tend to occur when he has to do something he doesn't want to do or is in an acceptable position to others, but one he doesn't want to be in, it's as if he uses it to keep people in a particular place or to prevent him from doing what he doesn't want to do. Sometimes it just feels like he is a vortex pulling everyone in
Yeah, I mean think about it... it is the fastest way to get all of the attention on you, and to sabotage any mundane interaction. ... EVERYBODY! Look at me! I'm creating an emergency!!!!
It took me a long time to not react to his threats, because he was using my greatest tragedy in my life to control me. It was a burst of insight for me when my therapist confronted him and he said no he never really meant it. It made me feel like I was just a doll or pawn he could play with, not considering my feelings or the fact that each time he did this, it tore open that old wound of losing my sister, and I would be awake all night crying and grieving her, feeling guilty because I was not able to stop her from ending her life. It solidified in my mind how little he cared for my feelings and my mental health. It is very insightful for you to say he embedded a sense of responsibility in you if he actually did kill himself. We cannot go through life being controlled by fear by someone who is supposed to love us. I'm so glad I got out. It is such a luxury to live in peace and harmony with my current husband. He doesn't try to control me. He would never use my greatest tragedy to control me. I hope you can find a life of peace and security. Loving someone shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't require you being his puppet on a string.
Hi I'm new to the community and diagnosed at the age of 53. I've been married 30 years and have 3 kids. Until recently I was manipulative in my marriage and to my kids, often playing the victim as a bonafide people pleaser all my life. I threatened to remove my wedding ring often and often thought of harming myself when I was backed into a corner. Rather than facing the issue, I would get defensive and deflect and I abused alcohol. I have RSD and am seeking medication or therapy or both along with what I'm already taking. I know my behavior was cruel to those who love me and they've put up with a lot of my narcissistic garbage. I owe them and myself a huge apology - I had no inkling before my diagnosis that I had ADHD (a co worker suggested I get tested and it was the greatest gift she could have given me). After diagnosis my parents said they always knew but didn't want to get in my business now that I was an adult (all the while making a train wreck of my life). Even after diagnosis, it has taken a couple years to begin to process what having ADHD means. I am sensitive when coworkers (I'm in education) comment they have ADHD too as if it's a trendy thing and they know what my journey has been like. Everyone with ADHD has symptoms they struggle with but no two people struggle the same and that's really key for me. Thus, I've encouraged my family and friends to learn about ADHD generally and to learn about my specific ADHD so they can better understand. Some have and some resist, stating "it's my issue" so why do they have to learn about it/possibly alter their viewpoint. I struggle being so vunerable with my loved ones but it's necessary to be fully transparent. I've learned that loved ones may not take accountability for their part in the health of the relationship going forward, even knowing the struggles I have, which is sad, but I can't change others' and I need to fully be invested in my self-care and stating my boundaries regularly. In the past I couldn't understand why others didn't see my needs but it was because I allowed myself as a people pleaser to be a doormat and not advocate for my needs.
Sadly yes
Submitted by sickandtired on
My ex used to do this all the time when he was upset or didn't get what he wanted. I always took it very seriously because my sister had committed suicide years earlier. When he finally agreed to go to couples therapy with me, I brought it up, and the therapist straightforwardly asked him if he was ever serious about harming himself. After what seemed like a lot of reflection, he haltingly said no. The therapist asked him, "knowing how she lost her sister to suicide, do you realize how manipulative that is?"
He refused to go back after that, accusing the therapist of being "against him".
The first time he threatened suicide was over the phone, and I had to drive over 30 miles like a crazy person to get to his location, praying I was not too late. I called his sister and brother in law on the way, telling them they need to go to him because they were closer and could get to him quicker than I could. I was shocked by their lack of concern or urgency. Now I know why... he threatened suicide on a regular basis, and would then run away like a petulant adolescent, expecting me to agonize while trying to find him. Like "that will show HER."
Threatening suicide is an extremely cruel and manipulative thing to do to anybody, especially when they care about the person.
Tend to agree
Submitted by Forgotten Person on
I tend to agree - many threats to many people over 40 years, all I feel to gain attention and control. Like your therapist, I have asked him if he has ever seriously contemplated killing himself and the same response, no. But he has embedded in my mind a responsibility towards him that I should feel, and a sense of guilt for not wishing to endure this and his other poor behaviour. He can be in a threatening suicidal state one moment, sometimes with an ADHD tantrum, and then happy the next. These issues tend to occur when he has to do something he doesn't want to do or is in an acceptable position to others, but one he doesn't want to be in, it's as if he uses it to keep people in a particular place or to prevent him from doing what he doesn't want to do. Sometimes it just feels like he is a vortex pulling everyone in
Yes
Submitted by sickandtired on
Yeah, I mean think about it... it is the fastest way to get all of the attention on you, and to sabotage any mundane interaction.
... EVERYBODY! Look at me! I'm creating an emergency!!!!
It took me a long time to not react to his threats, because he was using my greatest tragedy in my life to control me. It was a burst of insight for me when my therapist confronted him and he said no he never really meant it. It made me feel like I was just a doll or pawn he could play with, not considering my feelings or the fact that each time he did this, it tore open that old wound of losing my sister, and I would be awake all night crying and grieving her, feeling guilty because I was not able to stop her from ending her life. It solidified in my mind how little he cared for my feelings and my mental health.
It is very insightful for you to say he embedded a sense of responsibility in you if he actually did kill himself. We cannot go through life being controlled by fear by someone who is supposed to love us. I'm so glad I got out. It is such a luxury to live in peace and harmony with my current husband. He doesn't try to control me. He would never use my greatest tragedy to control me. I hope you can find a life of peace and security. Loving someone shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't require you being his puppet on a string.
manipulative behavior
Submitted by JgsDns on
Hi I'm new to the community and diagnosed at the age of 53. I've been married 30 years and have 3 kids. Until recently I was manipulative in my marriage and to my kids, often playing the victim as a bonafide people pleaser all my life. I threatened to remove my wedding ring often and often thought of harming myself when I was backed into a corner. Rather than facing the issue, I would get defensive and deflect and I abused alcohol. I have RSD and am seeking medication or therapy or both along with what I'm already taking. I know my behavior was cruel to those who love me and they've put up with a lot of my narcissistic garbage. I owe them and myself a huge apology - I had no inkling before my diagnosis that I had ADHD (a co worker suggested I get tested and it was the greatest gift she could have given me). After diagnosis my parents said they always knew but didn't want to get in my business now that I was an adult (all the while making a train wreck of my life). Even after diagnosis, it has taken a couple years to begin to process what having ADHD means. I am sensitive when coworkers (I'm in education) comment they have ADHD too as if it's a trendy thing and they know what my journey has been like. Everyone with ADHD has symptoms they struggle with but no two people struggle the same and that's really key for me. Thus, I've encouraged my family and friends to learn about ADHD generally and to learn about my specific ADHD so they can better understand. Some have and some resist, stating "it's my issue" so why do they have to learn about it/possibly alter their viewpoint. I struggle being so vunerable with my loved ones but it's necessary to be fully transparent. I've learned that loved ones may not take accountability for their part in the health of the relationship going forward, even knowing the struggles I have, which is sad, but I can't change others' and I need to fully be invested in my self-care and stating my boundaries regularly. In the past I couldn't understand why others didn't see my needs but it was because I allowed myself as a people pleaser to be a doormat and not advocate for my needs.