Hello All
I can not be alone in wondering why there is not more help and support for adults with ADHD ? My partners behaviours are so extreme and Intolerable and I am at a loss where to turn anymore. If his emotional and physical extremes were caused by a brain tumour, dementia or psychiatric issues there would be neurologists, oncologists and psychiatrists not to mention the family doctor to start with to turn to. If he were a child ,teachers , TAs and school counsellors but for an adult that appears to the average acquaintance like a functional intelligent person there seems no where to go . I have tried for five years to get him diagnosed but he finds every excuse under the sun to delay . The charity Mind and woman's aid both say the same thing he needs to stand up and take responsibility and if he won't I should leave as he is emotionally , verbally and mentally abusive . But what if you can't leave , what if your financial and practical life prevents that for now , what and where to turn ?? Does anyone know something I don't for here in the UK ? I understand a lot of the contributers on here seem based in the USA . I am at a very low point where I can see very little future his and my lives are wrecked by this condition , our relationship in tatters . My closest two confidants at a loss what to say anymore , I dread being in public with him or at home alone with him to be honest , the only time I feel anything like me is when I am out in my car or with my friends , where I can at least pretend for a moment or two my life isn't all ADHD !
No help
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I agree there is little support for adult ADHD out there. Your husband may be able to get ADHD medication from a family doctor without needing to find a specialist, if that helps. However, it sounds like even if ADHD support were abundant, your spouse has no interest. Therein lies the biggest problem. His disinterest in treating the issues trumps the availability of support anyway. If you really can't leave yet, but plan to (as your post seems to indicate), I would suggest it makes sense to pursue that goal with all you've got while still in the marriage. Update your skills, get the job that pays enough now, start pricing out out-of-the-box living scenarios like roommates, more remote locations, etc. It's okay to consider things you never thought you would. If you have kids you could never share custody of with someone like him, visit a lawyer for advice, start building your case for full custody now by collecting proof now that you can use in court later if needed, etc. I say this as someone who left a year and a half ago. My husband refused to work (for the final 8 years of our marriage) AND we had a child he's incompetent of caring for. I know how impossible it seems to leave. Since you are already in touch with women's groups, I'm sure they have seen women leave the absolute worst conditions with nothing. They may have ideas you never even considered before about how you can do it.
I'm sorry you're where you are right now. There is a light on the other side. :)
A couple of issues
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Sadly, you cannot get him the help he needs unless he actually wishes to participate. But if he does, you might try psychiatry-uk.com, as they are quite familiar with ADHD and doing evaluations and ADHD management. Let them know that you have financial restrictions and see if they can help you. They are also covered much of the time by your government health agency NHS...check with them first to make sure you're covered / he's covered.
You may also find my books and seminar helpful - all of which you can access in the UK (you would do the recorded seminar).
Please make sure you are safe!
Hello Elsa
Submitted by AdhdSquirrel on
Hi Elsa,
I can feel your frustration, it's awful when you're stuck in a situation and can't see a way out. I hear you've been able to lean on your friends and managed to speak to Mind about what's happening, but it's difficult when dealing with adults who are reliant on their own autonomy. Even if you were his full time carer it will sadly be the same advice that Mind has provided- your partner is solely responsible for seeking the help he needs.
I absolutely understand that you feel you're unable to leave because of the current financial situation, but if staying is causing you emotional and mental harm, it may be useful to get in touch with womensaid.org for advice on how to proceed, perhaps also speaking to Citizen's Advice will give you some other options for financial support. Getting yourself on the council list may also be advised when you speak to Citizen's Advice.
On top of that, a chat with your GP may be an idea towards helping you with additional support, or a referral for counselling. I think you need a space that's safe and just for you to talk about what is going on for you but I will urge you to seek a way out via some of the options I've listed above to get yourself to safety.
Even if your partner agreed to get medication this may not be the resolution that you're looking for- ADHD medication isn't a magical pill, and sometimes stimulants may even make some symptoms worse.
Please look after yourself, it may feel as though you're stuck financially (I live in the UK too so I get it), there's always a way out. Sofa surfing, declaring yourself homeless, women's shelters, family- it's not the greatest of options but I hope you can find a way out to safety.