Hey all. I've been married to my husband who has ADHD for almost 11 yrs. Its been a rollercoaster to say the least, and from what I've read on this forum (I'm new here) you guys all know all about that particular ride. Which I am so sorry for, for you and your spouses both. I love my husband dearly and would not consider divorce unless he became violent, which he never has. Our main issues are 1: he ignores me. 2: He works incredibly hard, but is incredibly irresponsible with his money. And 3: I feel like I am dating every single person he knows. Like we are in a 50-way relationship. Every one of his friends, family members, and coworkers have a HUGE influence on our daily life in the way that if ANY of them dares to insult my husband in any way (lol, good luck not insulting him no matter what you say) he brings it right home and turns our home upside down. For example recently at work he was involved in a disagreement with a coworker. He is constantly causing drama for himself and I am embarrassed to imagine how he behaves at work. Anyway I kept my opinion to myself as always and pretended to take his side, agreeing that he was being treated "unfairly" (this is endless) etc etc. I have learned long ago not to say what I am thinking, which is "stop acting like a middle schooler". Well no approach works, I stayed supportive and cooked a really yummy dinner, played the sweet wife and still had to listen to HOURS of basically a tantrum. Every single day I am worried about how every person he knows will be feeling, or acting, or if they will be in the mood to coddle my husband that day. I feel resentful because the fact that we have a (mostly) peaceful, loving marriage NEVER matters. Its all, nobody loves me (I suppose *I* would be nobody here) or petulant, immature anger and misplaced attitude to where I am walking on eggshells. And I am f*ing sick of it! Not only to I have to navigate my own minefield trying not to set him off, but it doesn't even matter because if I manage to keep him happy there will surely be someone else who doesn't. I have grown to resent all of his coworkers and most of his friends, even though I know its not their fault. They are good people. But I am so TIRED of hearing my husband carry on about them that I feel like I can't stand them. Heaven forbid someone forget to openly favor my husband above ALL others - the sky WILL fall. Anyway idk. I feel alone, like I'm the only one invested in this marriage and present in it. He is so much more wrapped up in everything outside the home that he thinks nothing of making it his emotional toilet.
I just wanted to add that the
Submitted by AliceInBraids on
I just wanted to add that the trivial issue, whatever it may be, his perceived slight, becomes, like, the focus of his existence for a little bit and he will not humor me and have a pleasant chat or anything. I mean everyone is entitled to their feelings. Its hard to express what I'm going through but I'm wondering if anyone understands or has found effective ways to deal with this?
My experience
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
AliceInBraids,
Hello, and welcome to this forum!
I cannot actually see inside my spouse's brain - and I know the sort of things you described play out in our life.
From my perspective, on the outside looking in. . . .and trying to be understanding of my spouse . . . .I too do not get it.
My guess, my judgment, my view . . . . . .how it plays out in our relationship - - - - it is a self-esteem issue. Dealing with it is not pleasant atmosphere in which to live. I have side-stepped a lot of discussions because I do not agree.
I would love to be able to 'agree to disagree.' I do not see other people's opposite opinions as anything but their opinion. I do not choose to lose friendships over a differing opinion.
It really is a difficult situation to have to hold my ground on this with my spouse. I am not choosing someone over my spouse. I believe he feels that way. Sure, maybe what someone said was really rude. My own internal dialog tells me just that - they are rude. I do not need to convince them to see things my way to be secure in my opinion.
Very truly,
Liz
Yes, when my husband is
Submitted by AliceInBraids on
Yes, when my husband is telling me his drama I have to either encourage him to handle it badly (which I won't) or I am accused of being like everyone else and being against him. And idk. Its frustrating!! I just love him, I just want some peace in our home but everytime I speak its like I fell into another fighting trap.