Hello!
I can't believe I'm sitting here writing this on NYE but after a very difficult festive period with my partner, I'm really needing some support and advice from others who know what it's like!
I have been with my partner for 3 years now. We live together and have for quite some time now been clear that we want to build a life together and make further deeper commitments such as buying a place together, getting married and hopefully having children.
When I first met my partner, he was honest about having had a difficult life so far - various different jobs; the fact that he has never managed to establish a career for himself; the fact that he feels that he has a number of "failed" relationships in his past; and that he has struggled with low self-esteem and depressive periods throughout. Part of me found this really scary and overwhelming but we connected really deeply and loved being together and so I continued in the relationship.
It soon became apparent that he felt really dissatisifed professionally and that this was having a lasting impact on his self-esteem and mood. So I supported him to figure out what he wanted to do long-term and he did an excellent training course and now has a good job which promises lots of potential for the future.
I thought this was going to be the last piece of the puzzle but I was so wrong!
He has now been in this job for a bit over a year. He enjoys it but the more he naturally has to take on the more stressed he has become. He says that this is because he can't concentrate and focus enough to get everything done and so he gets really anxious about and overwhelmed by it. The result is tht it regularly feels as though he's about to burnout. He has little to no energy to do anything outside of work, whether by himself or with me, and often spends a lot of the weekend sleeping as he says he is so exhausted from the stress and the energy expended concentrating at work and stressing about how it.
In addition - he often forgets our plans; almost never makes plans for us himself (I always suggest things and organise them); forgets to book gym classes or appointments; is constantly "sucked in" to the computer for hours - either online, games or researching work stuff he feels behind on; and struggles to commit to or start any non-work activities or projects he is interested in.
The result of all this is him feeling completely exhausted and crap about himself most of the time and me feeing powerless, sad, often lonely and lately, unsure about the future of the relationship.
My partner has sought out mental health support several times in the past. He has always been treated for anxiety and depression and this has had little effect. Fortunately, the last time he sought mental health support he was lucky enough to be under the care of a nurse who was savvy enough to refer him for an ADHD assessment. As I'm sure you've guessed by now, he was indeed diagnosed with ADHD! The psychiatrist told him that he is in "no doubt whatsoever" that my partner absolutely has ADHD, to the extent that he had almost concluded this before speaking with my partner's mother for information about his childhood (when he was diagnosed with ADHD but nothing was done about it but that's another post entirely....!)
Unfortunately, it's not been straight forward from there! First of all, between his last assessment appointment and his diagnosis appointment we moved home. As we live in the UK and he is under the care of the public NHS, this meant that the psychiatrist that diagnosed him was unable to start him on treatment as he was no longer under the care of that team due to our new geographical location. This meant that he had to wait a number of months to be transferred to a psychiatrist in our new area. When he eventually saw this new psychiatrist, he decided that he wanted to put my partner on a mood stabilizer first before introducing a stimulant, because of my partner's history with low mood.. As this is the NHS (which I love of course but obviously moves at a glacial speed compared to private healthcare), it has been 4-6 months between all of his psychiatry appointments and as such, it has taken ages to get to the point where he is close to being prescribed stimulant medication. We hope that this will happen in the next 3 months as all of the same symptoms and difficulties are still very much present.
With all that said - what I'm looking for here is maybe some hope?! Encouragement?! It's been so hard recently - not just because he feels so awful but also because his lack of stability has made both of us feel that our more long term commitments need to be put on pause until things settle - something which has been a necessary but still upsetting realisation to accept. I have been *devouring* everything on the interwebs about ADHD and I have read many things about how effective medication can be. But I'm so fearful of believing in that for fear of being let down. I know that medication isn't the whole solution and so does my partner (he has just contacted an adhd coach for a consutltation) but can anyone give me any hope about the different medication might make to his work? To giving him space to think? Enjoy life outside of work?
Thank you ether-friends, and Happy 2019 when it arrives! xx
For Rowena
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I hope that 2019 will be a year in which you and your partner learn all you need to know about ADHD, and find the balance you seek! What you describe - depression, anxiety, mood issues can be classic ADHD issues that do mislead 'experts' into missing the ADHD diagnosis. If there is a silver lining to the cloud you've been under, it's that he does now have what sounds like the right diagnosis so hopefully he can start getting help that really starts to turn things around.
Let me send you in the direction of some good resources. First, I know that NHS can be very very slow. There is a resource that can short circuit some of the wait, at least for evaluations, and it's worth a call to see if they might also be able to prescribe and follow your SO's progress. They are NHS approved. That would be the online psychological resource, Psychiatry-UK.com. In addition, a good resource for finding out more about treatment options is my free treatment e-book, which you can download from the home page. I would also send you both to my 'start here' page for treatment. On it there is a treatment worksheet that can help him figure out what treatments might and might not help him. As you point out, it's not just about meds. Even if he is one of these people who has a great response to meds right away (usually one has to adjust doses, etc.) the 'pills don't teach skills' as is the common saying here, so he has other work to do.
And my two books can provide you with an excellent overview of what is happening between you and some of the issues that you likely face in your relationship. Links are under books and resources, or you can order online.
That's a good amount of background info and should get you going. It sounds as if your boyfriend has found a good ADHD coach, which is terrific. There are a few other resources listed on my ADHD-savvy professionals page, here. Look towards the bottom for the UK info.
Quite a few people from the UK take my couples seminar by registering for the live seminar then listening to the recordings (because of the time change). This allows you to submit all your questions and, if you want it at the end of the seminar, have a free 20 minute Skype session with me as well. The live session recordings include the Q&A, which isn't on the self-study...so well worth considering. The next session happens to start on Jan 15. More information is here.
It is great that the two of you are addressing this now - it's important that he get the help, and it's also important that the two of you know that you have the tools in place to resolve the issues you will face as a couple (just in general) and with the ADHD impact (and responses to ADHD) specifically before you commit to a long-term relationship. What you both may find is that the classic ADHD symptoms may be easier to address than the emotional issues of depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. These take a good amount of work to stabilize. Knowledge is critically important, but so is patience, flexibility, and self-care. If you find yourself subsumed by his issues it will help you to step back and remember that ultimately these are his issues to solve, not yours. Or, more specifically, they become yours if you take them on, but you should not do so. A healthy posture in your relationship would likely be to offer support and love, go along on the journey with your partner as much as makes sense, but NOT to step in and try to solve his problems for him. That will help him maintain his independence (very important for the long-term health of the relationship) and allow you to not get sucked into an unhealthy, co-dependent relationship.
I hope that you find the resources and strength that you both seek!
Thank you so much Melissa!
Submitted by rowena5318 on
Thank you so much Melissa! This is fantastic. Much appreciated.
Hi rowena...Melissa gave you some great advice....
Submitted by c ur self on
I just wanted to encourage you to read her last paragraph several times...(think about it)...It can very difficult to make wise decisions when emotions are involved....Try to be the fly on the wall when thinking about your future....Do some reading on this site...Many people who live with the issues your Boy friend has, will do OK alone....It forces them to be accountable to themselves, also there is no one else that has to suffer the intrusiveness of their behaviors....Those kind of actions destroy the ability to have a normal life...Just because you want "Normal" sleep times, normal meal times, normal conversation, etc..etc....With many, it's not possible...Also many will excuse them selves and justify their actions. No matter how one sided the work load gets...
Many people who give in to this type life style, will also tend to let you carry them....So you may find yourself the only bread winner for long periods...And you may see no effort or any real concern from them....They may happily set in front of a TV or computer for hours, with no conscience to be productive to the demands of house keeping, yards etc....Even intimacy becomes boredom and drudgery for many...
I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer here...I just don't want you to have a life time of regrets, because of the rose colored glasses that comes w/emotional and physical attachments...You really don't need that....Just read here a while....Your future is important, I suggest you chose a life mate that is stable, and someone you can trust to be a responsible party....
Just think about what you might tell you best friend if she was in your shoes, and you are just a caring on-looker...In a very high percentage of the marriages that are posted about here....They always go down hill, shortly after the marriage....So if it's difficult now, it's a very good chance it will get worse after marriage....
I suggest that you let him show you by his actions (definitely without your input or mothering attempts) what kind of responsibility level he is going to assume in life...Be nice, but don't get sucked in....He's a man just like all of us....He just needs to do the right things to be a responsible adult, whether you exist or not....The mistake so many partners make (I did, and still do) is thinking we can fix them...So we end up pressuring them to be like us...Think like we think....You might find yourself saying or thinking things like...."Who lives like this ?...I'll tell you who, he does, my wife does, so many do...Just be wise, and don't set yourself up for failure...
Blessings
c
Rowena
Submitted by elizabethtudor on
I want to be real with you about your expectations of how the stimulant will change things based off of my experiences with my fiancé. At first he seemed to have improved tenfold. His ability to think “clearly” (or for you and I just “normal”) was a night and day change. He was less defensive, easier to communicate with, generally more energetic and far less depressed. That lasted about 2 weeks. Soon he was becoming “foggy” randomly and regularly and most behaviors returned. He’s a big guy (235lbs) and built up tolerance to the stimulant and within a few months he was on the max allowed dose and what had appeared to be an almost miraculous change became almost an unnoticeable one. He’s on 3 other meds as well for both depression and ADHD but he’s still a far cry from a “man” (and definitely not “man” enough to marry).
He did however show improvements with therapy but he was going to pacify me and not because he felt it was necessary and quit going after 2 months. My advice for you is just RUN. Marriage will only bring more conflict as every single expectation you have fails to get met. He’s the ONLY person who can decide to truly work towards different behaviors. That takes counseling and the meds only support the counseling. Without consistent daily efforts on his part to “manage” and “control” his ADHD symptoms he will never change and most likely will get increasingly worse.
He must build new habits in every aspect of his life, and, more importantly, he must change or modify his thought processes all together. This takes serious will to improve, dedication, and consistent effort to accomplish. If he isn’t putting the effort in by his own desires (NOT because you want him to or tell him to) nothing will ever change and you will find that postponement of your future extending indefinitely.