Hello All,
My first post was about 9 years ago. I had just met my soon-to-be husband and began the process of eagerly immersing myself in "all that is ADD".
It's been nearly 9 years, and we're still married.
I love him dearly, yet can absolutely relate to NEARLY every heart-wrenching post.
I must qualify by stating that: 1) I was informed of my spouse's ADD prior to marrying him, 2) researched the hell out of ADD prior to our nuptials, 3) am a counselor with over 25 years of experience, AND 4) consulted Dr. Hallowell, with my husband, for at least three sessions about 7 years back.
It's been hard, and frankly, NOT much has gotten easier. I will concede to Melissa O. that, yes, we've absolutely had lovely moments. I adore being part of a team--always have. I'm also a big fan of the cognitive therapeutic models. (I know...I know..It's not 'what' people DO, rather 'HOW' we perceive/respond...)
Many close to me would also argue that I'm happier now than I was as a single 38 year-old in NYC!
Recently, however, I've had a few serious wake-up calls related to my health. (I'm 48, so this is when stuff starts to happen to some of us...) Coupled with what I suppose, are normal mid-life issues, a complete re-evaluation of what I have gotten myself into has occurred.
In the past, I was a pretty good patient facilitator and willing "fixer". Not so much at all anymore.
Here's the thing:
I love him in the sense that I feel tenderly and protective of him.
We have sex 5 or so times a year-- for the past 8 years. This is no joke. I have been faithful, nonetheless. I'm neither proud or ashamed of this fact, but more than ever, desire a need to be free of this weirdness.
While C. has made progress from when we first met, I was NOT wholly prepared to take this on for a lifetime.
I DID NOT realize the effect this would have on me this far down the road. I thought I could manage it. I knew as a Counselor, I could not fix it, but believed I could manage it. I can't anymore.
Now that I'm facing my own health and developmental issues, I no longer have the patience for all of this.
I have actually begun to believe that my husband is slowly killing me. More sadly, I think he is oblivious to this at best, and just doesn't give a shit, at worst.
I have given him a time line, replete with multiple suggestions to attempt to get things back on track. He is ignoring my feelings and is under the false impression, that, because I love him, I'll never leave.
This whole state of affairs is so very sad.
Hi troy127
Submitted by c ur self on
Almost 8 years on this end...I understand the facts as you stated them...And I just replied to say two things...One is Empathy; I have it for you...The other is I've answered the question for myself...Can I move on (without anger, bitterness or resentment) live alone and be content that based on the reality of her living of life, that we would both be healthier in most every aspect of what being a live means...The answer for me is yes..
Also in my opinion that has formed over the past 8 years, I would say there are many people who's living of life isn't compatible to having a healthy marital relationship...When a mind is so self-absorbed (regardless of the Why's) it can not function in a two being one relationship the results will always be Dysfunctional and Intrusive...So at some point our life boils down the realities of your comment...(."In the past, I was a pretty good patient facilitator and willing "fixer". Not so much at all anymore").
Wishing you the best...
C
troy127....can also relate
Submitted by dedelight4 on
troy, I read your post with much empathy and I could FEEL the weariness. Yours has been 9 years, mine is now almost 33, and my marriage now is done. I'm not telling you that you have to do what I AM NOW doing. But, my husband's unmanaged ADHD, co-morbid things, AND problem issues have finally pushed me over the edge. I can't go any further. I am now disabled, and in constant pain daily. My emotions have been frazzled, I questioned my very sanity, and the constant day to day frustrations of dealing someone who's so unstable, had now cost me almost everything. I have no money, no job, we've lost all our retirement money, lost posessions, and now we're in divorce proceedings. My husband says he feels "bad" about the way things are, but he's not BROKEN UP about it.
I could say so much more, which you can read in my other posts, but I won't go there. I'm just telling you..........I'm SO SORRY you're having to live this. I was a strong person too, or at least I THOUGHT I was. But, this has taken me to a new level of low, I never knew I had. The only good thing right now, is that I am just starting to see that maybe, just maybe, I can find ME again. And, that is starting to feel really good, because I can't live under this extreme stress any more. My body, my mind, my emotions and my spirit just can't take it any more. I've set my boundaries, and that's it. It feels better.
I wish you well. Hugs
My experience
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
troy127,
I thought I'd go back and check out your posts from 9 years ago, but I couldn't find any. . . . .
My life as a married person is all about being the best I can. My parent's are still married after 58 years. They had ups and downs. . . and our life was tempered by my Dad's alcoholism. He found his sobriety in 1991. I love my parents. I would not choose their relationship for myself. My spouses' parents were married till they died. Sadly, their marriage most probably was dead ten years in, and they stayed married because of their Catholic beliefs. All other marriages I saw were in movies, in books, 'what I saw in public was not what was happening behind closed doors" or what my church told me was what I was supposed to do to be "The Good Wife."
So, now I have been making choices based on what I learned, what I value, and what is important to me. Most of my hopes are based on re-negotiating, and finding peace for my spouse and my self.
Discovering undiagnosed ADHD had an affect on my marriage was yet another bit of information I have collected as I go. For sure I know I helped create the relationship we have. I cannot go back. I can go forward. Some things in the past need to be looked at. Old behaviors that just do not work anymore need to be adjusted. I can only do Liz's side.
One thing for sure, the common denominator of ADHD has drawn/attracted us here.
For me the sorting continues.
Very truly,
Liz