Submitted by Exhausting on 11/24/2023.
Do those with ADHD suffer from false memories? Has anyone had this experience? My husband can insist with such conviction that I have said something and I just know I haven't because it is always something I know I have never thought, voiced or believed in!!
Alternate Versions of Reality
Submitted by 007kella on
I wouldn't call my experience with this situation 'false memories' but I would call them alternate versions of reality. I think it's a combination of RSD, true poor memory, and emotional baggage rolled into one. The scary part for me is that he just started spewing these 'alternate versions' after 20 years of marriage, and now I realize he's been keeping these false narratives in his mind for our entire relationship, building up resentment, blame, and justifications for the way he's treated me. Do you think these 'falses memories' could be the reason for some of his unkind behavior?
Alternate Versions of Reality
Submitted by Exhausting on
Alternate Versions of Reality is very apt and absolutely true in my relationship. I know I have a very good memory - my job requires it - but you have shed excellent light on the reasons this is happening. Thank you for your clarity.
Selective memory
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I sure have seen a lot of selective memory in my ADD ex-partner. He recently accused me of depriving him of time with our baby child many years ago. I had in late pregnancy learned that he had made life-changing decisions totally contrary to what he and I had agreed on. I felt deceived and traumatized. I regretted I had ever chosen him as the father of my child. I went to my mother's for a few weeks.
When he recalled this now, his memory was that I had taken his child from him, that this had been an immoral and unjustifiable act, and that it makes me untrustworthy to this day. His part in what happened has obviously vanished from his memory.
Now I tend to think I should have acted on that first major breach of promise and left him. It was the first time ADD symptoms became unmanageable.
I'm sorry you have had to
Submitted by Exhausting on
I'm sorry you have had to deal with this accusation as this is particularly personal and attacks your integrity as a mother and parent. Not fair at all.
Yep, false memories /
Submitted by Forgotten Person on
Yep, false memories / selective memory / memories to fit his needs.
I would frequently have conversations with my husband about his bad behaviour and the next day what he did would have become something completely different and my response he would therefore say a complete over reaction = all my fault. To me, it's very manipulative behaviour, to have thought about it and then taken the decision to change it all around to subtly but importantly become something else that he needs it to be. The ultimate aim in all of it is to make everything they do your fault to shift guilt or to try and keep themselves nice and shiny for the world to see. He can never own up to or take ownership of anything so he just changes the storyline. It's also important to cause as much unnecessary drama as possible so creating new narratives 1. Causes you to get upset and 2. Gets you to engage possibly leading to conflict and arguments which he loves and 3. Gets him all the attention he craves.
In ADHD, he's always right and you're always wrong and he can argue all day long about that, in fact he'd love to argue all day long about it. Totally draining.
Such salient points you make.
Submitted by Exhausting on
Such salient points you make. These experiences leave me speechless a lot of the time, as well as exasperated and frustrated. What is more damaging is that you start to question the reliability of your memory and your own good judgment. I have to keep reminding myself to stay true to what I know is fact and to not take on falsities as it messes with my head.
You must and you must
Submitted by Forgotten Person on
You must and you must remember this is not you, this is him. Ive mentioned further down here in this thread that one of the best things I learned to reduce or to completely stop arguments was to message him with an instruction or if something happened, write a message to say I wasn't happy about XYZ earlier or when you said ABC, then it's there written down in a message if he brings it up later and tries to change the version of events. It's doesn't prevent a confrontation by him but it does stop it going any further and it also gives you back your confidence in recalling what actually happened versus what he says happened because it's there, written down. Be aware though, in my husbands case he tried to outthink this method by saying "oh I don't read your messages" or he didn't read all of the message. Doesn't matter, it's there, it's what was said, what was asked of him to do or what happened, for you, you know the truth, he has to accept it. When they change the story it is gaslighting and gaslighting is abusive behaviour, whether he has adhd or not, so protect yourself and you will regain self respect. The time it takes to write a message is far less than the days of draining arguments, believe me
Yes!
Submitted by Dagmar on
In my husband's false memories I'm always the bad guy. When I was in my early 20s, I was looking for a car. I'd go out car shopping every day after work in my work clothes and it was. . . car shopping. I decided exactly what I wanted and went on a Saturday, wearing jeans and a t-shirt, to a dealership, ready to buy. But the salesman wouldn't help me. He acted like he was annoyed I was there, fumbled with papers, made a lunch order in the middle of talking to me and then basically escorted me out the door. I asked him if it was because of the way I was dressed, because in work clothes I had dealers all over me, but in jeans and a t-shirt, he wouldn't give me the time of day. The salesman said "I'm sorry, but we are really strict with our credit policies." Of course, I went to the dealership next door and bought a car immediately. I was furious. Husband was with me, saw the whole thing, and was equally outraged.
Years later husband finds the car he wants on the internet and makes an appointment to test drive it. We pull up and it's the same dealership. I say that there's no way this place is getting my money after they refused to sell me a car. Husband walks up to the salesman and explains that I was touchy about the place because they "denied my credit in the past," acting like I was hysterical. They didn't deny my credit. They looked at me and told me I had bad credit. There was no credit report run. No exchange of information. They looked at me and said they couldn't sell me a car.
And yet in his memory, I had bad credit and was just holding a grudge.
Oh dear. You can't make
Submitted by Exhausting on
Oh dear. You can't make these things up! Yet he was happy to be seen with someone who was a "poor risk". Goodness me.
It's just so insulting isn't
Submitted by Forgotten Person on
It's just so insulting isn't it! So many simillar things have happened to me.
People parking in the car park of a property he owned that he wasn't happy about which was understandable, he had several over the top rows about it, I noticed someone parked there one day and mentioned it to him, he rushed out to confront the person saying to people they could park there causing rows resulting in a fall out with the person. No need to handle it the way he did, all the drama. Few months later he made up with the man, relaying the story to friends in my presence a few weeks later he said that "all that was as a result of me being unable to park" complete lie, I corrected it immediately but he still challenged it.
He rarely if ever buys me gifts for birthdays etc, one birthday he simply repeated an order of toiletries from Christmas from his email inbox, whilst getting dressed one morning a week before my birthday, he threw the box, unwrapped and still in its postal box at my feet saying "there's your present now pick it up". It was very humiliating as you can imagine. That incident was later relayed to his psychologist as being that I was sitting at the kitchen table on the very morning of my birthday, my gift then arrived from the postman, he brought it in and slid it across the table and I caused an argument because he said I didn't like the way he had slid it across the table to me!
On another occasion after we separated but were still living together, whilst in the house he didn't want to continue a conversation with me so I undid his zipper and dropped his trousers exposing his genitals to me, next day he denied it had ever happened and was all my imagination and I had something seriously wrong with me to think up something like that.
When I moved to be with him in his country the only cost he promised to cover (he is extremely wealthy, I am not) was to pay for the removals company, when they saw my items on the day, they said they needed a little more, over the phone he refused to pay anything and I had to pay them from my savings. Years later, for this incident, he said that he didn't pay because we had agreed a few days before that I would pay it myself, a complete lie, I had very little money and the move involved shipping over water so it was very costly.
I can relay dozens of these sorts of highly offensive and damaging stories, what you must remember is that this is gaslighting done to hide the shame of what they have done, they can't face it because afterwards they realise how bad it was. In my case my husband is also narcissitic so he easily does things like this but because he is narcissistic, he cannot allow anyone to think badly of him. I have never shared with anyone aside from close friends and my lawyer the things he did. I've learned something, as with all abuse, because this is abuse. The worst thing you can do is keep quiet and let his version of events "go on file" because if you do, it's there forever. Then the adhd arguments start, all day long denying it all but living the arguments all the time you're getting more and more upset and angry and confused with your own sense of reality. People hear your raised voice because he's calm and cool. It's all normal for you to experience that, it's not you, you're not like that, it is 100% him. In my country gaslighting is classed as abuse and is therefore a criminal act, I did remind him of that, but how do I prove it? How do I prove what actually happened versus his version? So, in my case, I just took the decision that it wasn't going to change, it was only getting worse, and ended the marriage. My advice is that if you're staying, always just cover your back, keep a note, imessage where possible because there is a written message that they cannot argue about whether it's instructions to do something or something you were unhappy about, message them about what happened or what the instruction is because it cuts out all arguments later, you have it there.
Yes have the same problem,
Submitted by Harrassedmom on
Yes have the same problem, mostly to save face I think
Yes
Submitted by KittyPlatinumPink on
This was years ago for me at this point, but my ex got to a phase where he was having false memories. To make it worse, those turned into thoughts around conspiracies, which sent him down scary rabbit holes. It got to the point that everyone, including me, was against him. This was especially true after I ended the relationship.
This happened after I asked a
Submitted by Dorothyjjj on
This happened after I asked a question and he insisted I said something in a mean way. He repeatedly changed what I said when we were in couple's therapy, but it was always a mean statement and not the question which was a yes or no question. Ironically, he complained months ago that his friend and I answer yes or no questions with sarcasm.
Not taking it in
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Came to think of another aspect of this. I've had two recent experiences now of two different ADHD people close to me who've refused to inform themselves of an arrangement or plan that's been presented to them. They haven't read the letter or taken part of the plan, they've repeatedly postponed the proposed discussion for moderation of the agreement. They've avoided the information, for months and years. At the same time, they've decided they don't approve of it. Talking to them I find they have no idea of what the proposed arrangement is. They call it unfair or deny that they've agreed on it, though they've previously stated they have agreed on it.
What is this? These are intelligent people. Why don't they just take part of the information before they decide what it means, or decide if they agree with the arrangement or not? Why don't they partake in a discussion and put their opinions forward, so an agreement can be reached? It's so strange I have no words for it. Is it a lack of structure, categories bleeding into each other, poor memory, inability to concentrate, or what?
Is it a variety of saying yes with no intention of following through on the commitment that follows? Is it a way of shutting out anything that requires decision or forethought?
I'm at my wit's end.
I've had another Saturday
Submitted by Exhausting on
I've had another Saturday night of arguments and false accusations. During a recent difficult conversation with my husband I had to tell him I didn't feel the same way about him anymore - this was around us separating - and last night he brought up that conversation and said that at the time I said I didn't love him and don't think I ever have. This is just not true. How does someone remember that when it wasn't said?! Yes, I said my feelings had changed and I don't think I was in love with him anymore, but I NEVER said the rest of it ("and I don't think I ever have"). That is just wrong because it isn't true. I married him because I was in love with him, but over time dealing with all the mayhem, abuse, arguments etc. I realised my feelings had changed. He was ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED that was what I said. I could not convince him otherwise. It's quite sad to watch actually. I know he is hurting but talk about changing the narrative!!!! Utterly exhausting.
So sorry
Submitted by Swedish coast on
So sorry about your Saturday night.
What you describe is a nightmare. Your words twisted, then held against you, and he doesn't realize the intellectual dishonesty of what he's doing.
Im sorry to say I recognize this from my recent divorce. The ADD partner, feeling abandoned, spins into unprecedented RSD. Our relationship ended in a terrible way. He didn't even understand that he hurt me, that he broke his promises to me and humiliated me in front of the children. When he finally on the day of moving out saw the state he left me in - aching, deceived, grieving - he looked surprised.
At the point where you're standing, I think it's wise to consider your partner may lose all touch with reality. It might be a good time to find a safe exit.
You are right. I now have
Submitted by Exhausting on
You are right. I now have the 2.5 hour conversation recorded because I could just see what was coming last night There was a thick ugly cloud in the air. It was quite ironic .. when I reminded him of something threatening he has said numerous times which I have considered so bad, he flatly denied ever saying it. I have that "something" recorded from an earlier conversation so there can be no denying it - at least for me. I guess it's my safety net and not something I like doing without consent, but this is what I am left with to ensure I know exactly what the reality is. I record conversations. How awful is that!
Who can help?
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Dear Exhausting, I'm worried about the threat you mentioned. Is your partner threatening to harm you?
Is it necessary to seek legal help or call the police?
Please take care.
Thank you for your concern.
Submitted by Exhausting on
Thank you for your concern. Yes he does use threatening language but I feel it is used more to intimidate me and shut down the conversation when he feels he is losing control. It is, however, unacceptable and this is one of the reasons I am moving towards leaving because this isn't going to change and it's just not pleasant to be around.
Threats
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Sorry to hear this.
I tend to take threats seriously. Of course they can be used for manipulation only, but threat is a criminal offense. At least in my country?
I hope this will turn out well for you. Congratulations on the new job.
Thank you Swedish coast. I
Submitted by Exhausting on
Thank you Swedish coast. I heed your advice and concern re the threats, but in his case it seems to be a vehicle for him to shut down the conversation because it isn't going his way. It's a childish ploy tbh. I just pray now that our house .. which is now on the market .. sells soon so I can finally move on from this madness. (He screamed at me for 10 mins last night because he had to peel some potatoes and they were the wrong type of potatoes - why do I buy them - I must do it on purpose to annoy him!!!). WTF has to live like this?!!! aaaaaaaghh. Enjoy the festive season and I wish you peace in your journey. You are obviously a very intelligent person who deserves a happy life x
Dear Exhausting
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Best wishes for your new year. I do hope the real estate market will quickly swing you into your new life. Congratulations on your good work moving forward!
False memories
Submitted by JF on
Same....
Submitted by c ur self on
My wife will argue to the death about things that never happened....I've always attributed it to her terrible short term memory, and her competitive nature...I've learned to calmly say no no, and walk away leaving her talking, not going to fall into that trap (hopefully) again...:)
c
False memories
Submitted by JF on
I've come to my own conclusion that they happen, because of plenty of situations where I know I've remembered how it went the night before and she'll have a totally different story to tell the next day. Whether it's me saying something I didn't say or for that matter never would say due to common sense. She'll even take credit of conversations that never happened. One instance was when we approached our son's coach about no positive reinforcement, yet I was the one who confronted the coach.
Thanks for your sharing your
Submitted by Exhausting on
Thanks for your sharing your own experiences. You and others have shared on here that this seems to be a symptom of the ADHD. I'd love if Melissa is reading this if she could share her own thoughts and whether this is professionally recognised as a symptom as it appears to be common. Good luck and take care.
Not remembering or hearing clearly what is said
Submitted by Sukie on
My ADHD spouse and I have ongoing difficulties understanding and/or remembering clearly what each other says. It's mostly me getting it wrong.
Twice in the last two days, I was certain I heard my spouse say things he is certain he did not. Nothing major, but they've led to upset. E.g. I believed he said, "I can put supper together." and he is certain he did not.
We talked about each incident, and a little while later he calmly told me how hurt and (I heard "angry", he recalls saying "frustrated") he was, because he does not feel heard or understood by me, and that if we can't get our communication straightened out, "it's over" and that living with me is like living with a stranger. I appreciate that he came forward about feeling like this and didn't remain silent about it. We didn't argue, and I have apologized for having been emotional (cried during and between our conversations about this). He explained that "it's over" does not mean that we would separate, and I don't yet have a clear idea what it does mean. My husband has said that maybe he is saying things he does not remember, but that doesn't seem likely to me. He is not gaslighting me. I wonder if I'm losing my mind, for real.
We've agreed to try very hard to paraphrase back almost every interchange we have for a while. I hope it will help, but....we are both very familiar with active listening techniques, yet I can't seem to understand his simple statements. I'd like to try a learning conversation, too. I've had my hearing checked, but it's apparently normal.
Any thoughts or suggestions???