Submitted by BigSurprise on 07/15/2017.
Do you feel like your ADHD partner often has the urge to provoke conflicts around that time? I mean Christmas, birthdays, etc.? Because mine certainly does. I've noticed, over the years, we spend those jolly days not even knowing if we're still a couple. It seems like there's excessive need of stimulation that results in uncontrolled anger in my ADHD spouse.
I thought maybe I don't need to explain this further. If this happens you you, you'll know what I mean.
Please, share your thoughts.
EDIT: I realized I might have not made myself clear, so I edited the post.
I noticed this too
Submitted by sickandtired on
Hi. My X boyfriend used to do the same thing for holidays and other important dates. I noticed that he would try to pick a fight or be especially irritable a day or two before we were scheduled to go on a vacation. I attributed it to his inability to handle the extra stresses that a trip entails. He was never interested in planning any of the trip, where we stayed or what activities we did, but would instead complain A LOT during the entire vacation. I left him, because, among other reasons, I got tired of being constantly blamed for his endless unhappiness.
Stress and Conflict.......Yes
Submitted by kellyj on
I can speak for myself, and what I noticed with my wife as well. Stress, puts you on edge and makes things "bigger than they are" which is at the core of this? As far as provoking conflict, I think it's simply feeling overwhelmed and that can come out differnet ways but with my wife, yes.....she will provoke conflict but that seems to be her MO in everything big or small. Provoking or "baiting" you into a fight....so she can fight. Snapping, irritated, grouchy.....all are the same things I think? I think "provking" is going to a different level and in my thinking....."any attention....is attention" even negative attention? If the "attention" gets turned to other things during the busy times or during anything that is leaving you feeling like you are not getting as much attention.....then attention seeking behavior....or in other words....a person is addicted to "attention" or "needing attention"....is now "jonsing" and in need of a "fix" if the attention gets spread too thin, and they are not getting as much? That's what it appears to be that is happening with my wife. She is an "Attention Whore"....as the pejorative slang term used for that? Someone who is addicted to getting attention all the time, or needing to be the center of attention....is going to need their "fix" if they go without too long or when the "attention" turns to other things that is not "them".
I will get "short"....and my "temper will wear thin during too much stress....but I am pretty stoic in general and try and keep a lid on that? For the most part, but I feel it none the less?
J
Another Christmas Ruined
Submitted by adhd32 on
If you read through some of my past posts you will see that this is something I have posted about. After Thanksgiving the rhythm in our household changes and my husband adopts his "Christmas" personality. He checks out, complains more than usual, escapes to his man cave, and riles everyone up so that in addition to the holiday stress, we have to deal with a loose cannon. We used to host Christmas dinner and he refused to offer any help, instead he become a crybaby complaining about everything and stomping around when any requests were made of him. I never understood what was going on with him. I didn't realize he had ADD until last year (after 30+ years), I thought he just hated to see me excited about something or his family somehow ruined the holidays for him. He never bought gifts and became aloof and distant. I tried to make it good for the kids. Had I known this was ADD and would never get better, I would have cut and run long ago. He has ruined nearly every occasion that meant something to me with his attitude and rude comments. I feel he becomes upset because he knows the attention will not be on him so he tries every angle to pick a fight.
Before any vacation, he won't assist in any way to plan anything yet has had plenty to say about the plans once they are arranged. I would pack for myself and the kids (when they were young), plan menus, buy and pack food and essentials, map the route or figure out airport transportation and tickets, and he would only have himself to worry about and show up at the appointed time with his suitcase. To thank me for all the trouble he would complain endlessly. It was my fault he didn't know we were doing X so he didn't pack Y. Whose fault is that? You weren't interested in planning or even a brief recap of the plans before leaving home.
I've had enough. This past Christmas I told him to stay home from visiting relatives if he can't be civil. I would go without him and would not miss the sour puss and obstinate demeanor.
I'm not sure why this happens but celebrating any special occasion with him is an opportunity to be embarrassed. He does not respect social mores and thinks everyone should have his opinion. He argues his opinion rather than accepting that someone thinks differently and, perhaps, listen to their logic. He says he's got to be himself. OK. Great. Enjoy your small little world. I walk away and do my own thing now. I can't be bothered and no longer feel obligated to stand by him while he makes an a$$ of himself. I do not want others to think that I am of the same mind and have the same opinions as he does. Change is a fantasy, it is all about self-preservation now.
Thank god you all posted this!
Submitted by risingfromtheashes on
I'm the wife and the non ADHD spouse and my husband has severe ADHD. So while I have read this forum many times when I first realized my husband had ADHD and it was so helpful I never posted four years later into our marriage and now I know I need this place more than ever. I'm so thankful i read this post before an important date it happens to us as well and it made the sting of his stress personality hurt a little less. We had a tight time frame so all the stress of his emotions were dumped onto to me until he realized what was really the issue. this happens whenever there is a tight time frame i.e we have to make it somewhere important, a vacation, a holiday and he feels pressure. It was very very ugly this time and I was so angry it feels like I'm being taken advantage of. I don't want to be dumped on so you can find out what's wrong and then he feels great. On the flip side of this important date fight If it involves his family though not mine he changes right after we have fought and he acts over the moon happy like childishly so and then wont listen to me at all because hes happy. I hate this roller coaster on important dates and I hate being so angry after and he loves the tit for tat fight so I really end up feeling like he got everything out and the compromise and I got nothing but more beaten down.
Thank you for your comments.
Submitted by BigSurprise on
Thank you for your comments. Actually, I think I need to clarify this further.
I'm not talking about discussions around chores or complaining or not participating. I mean, we have plenty of those discussions and it's a nightmare when, at Christmas, just before the malls are about to close, we find out that we're missing this and that, and she needs to go and buy it, and stand in endless lines, and then she returns and it turns out there's still two ingredients missing, so we're emergency-shopping again, and so on. But no, that's not what I mean.
She usually participates a lot in trip-planning, definitely too much for my taste (the planning never stops, and trying to predict every scenario, well, that's exhausting). She's generally happy and not the complaining type. What I meant was, we quarrel a lot about things that are seemingly not connected with the upcoming event. It's like all her anxieties and insecurities crawl out all of a sudden and take control, so these discussions are more abstract (like "do you even want me"). So when I say "provokes conflict", I mean she opens some doors she generally keeps shut, starts discussing some events from 3 years ago when she felt hurt, things like this.
The fact that this happens may indeed be a result of some additional stress caused by a significant date, I'm not saying it's not. But the way it manifests, the issues - aren't.