When a animal is not loved and cared for, but rather ignored and left alone, it does not thrive. It may become ill and it may die from inattention and disconnection. When a person is ignored and taken for granted she can derive some comfort from memories of her youth where love and attention were given to her and she was seen and heard and acknowledged. But after years of inattention and lack of care and feeling invisible and unappreciated, a person's heart and soul and even physical body are laid to waste and wane just like an unattended puppy. The psyche of a person who has been ignored consistently for years is harmed.
To be physically well, people need to feel safe and be cared for by other human beings. So much is written about not depending on others for your own happiness but there is also the thing where we in the animal kingdom need nurturance and connection and care from others to thrive.
As seen in the studies of Jane Goodall with apes, Those in caring family units thrive. The apes that were ignored and disconnected were sick emotionally and sometimes physically. When there is a partner who is ADD inattentive, the spouse can be loving and caring as all get out but does not get attention and connection back. The spouse of an ADD inattentive is just that....not seen, heard, or attended to (inattention). We rail on this site in desperation wondering what we are doing wrong and searching for answers about how we can make things better for our marriages. But the gist is this. Us spouses are not getting attention and care. It makes us sick physically and emotionally. We are here, writing to ease our pain of disconnection and lack of care and love toward us.
This is just what is on my mind today. How does an old girl find nurturance to sustain herself when her spouse only had room in his heart to nurture himself and quiet the overwhelm in his head? He has been like a sponge gobbling up all the nurturing from both of us for himself just trying to survive himself. But us over-achieving spouses did not realize the toll that we took on ourselves. We thought we were strong enough to endure and make the necessary changes and compromises and sacrifices to make a union that was good enough. But for me, after 40 years, all the compromising I did was nothing more than a drain on my own well-being. He did not notice what I had been doing for the nurturing of our marriage. I didn't know that I need attention and connection for myself for my own well-being. I had been manufacturing a fantasy that has been my marriage. It has not existed in reality as a two way street. That is why I am here railing like an abandoned puppy on this site. I need attention and connection for my sanity and my physical health.
For 40 years, dh has not looked in my direction when I enter the room. He is too focused on his diversions he uses to ease his mind. Sometimes shushing me for interrupting his focus.
Shush, wait until I am done.
Submitted by jennalemon on
I get shushed if I interrupt his many diversions. All of these things are more important to my spouse than I am: NPR - on loud all day and all through the night, TV - on (at the same time as the radio) loud all day and all through the night, crossword puzzles, radio, the garbage, recycling, the neighbors, the cell phone, anyone else in the room, any project he is "working" on including peeling an orange, driving a car, looking at a map, reading the newspaper, lighting his cigars. He can only do one thing at a time and he fills up his time with noise. Everything and anything is more important to his present moment than me. I guess I should take the hint and realize he is excluding me from his conscious life.
Going through the motions
Submitted by Standing on
Jennalemon, Often, my husband will pretend to be present, interested, engaging. Ten years together (as of yesterday) has taught me that there is really nobody home.
At this point, I suspect that I am suffering from a depression that may need medical help, but I will sit in it for a bit and hope that it is just part of the grieving process through which I deliberately have chosen to pass. When he is in the house, I only want to stay in bed. I don't want to pretend to interact with him. When I try, he either doesn't hear me at all or mis-hears the entire exchange... and I use few words, short sentences,
I don't even bother sharing with him the little stories that make up the stuff of life for me... something funny the dogs did, or the latest news on one of my children. I don't keep silent to be mean, or because I'm angry. It's because my disappointment bucket is full. There's no connection. He only wants a sound byte, then he can feel better about himself.
The night before our anniversary, he says he got me something, and as he hands it to me, he says: I know there's not enough xanax ( and something else, which i don't recall, cuz the xanax reference shocked me) in the world for dealing with me, so I got you this. So that's it. The real gift to me was that momentary acknowledgement of how very difficult life with him has been. The real disappointment is that he has not taken steps to get evaluated and treated properly. Now that would be a sign of hope. I tried to get excited about the fact that he had remembered our anniversary, but that fell flat. This has gone too far. Too much harm has been done. So i just said, thank you. We have not spoken more than a dozen words to each other since. I am sure that he senses my sadness. I am equally certain that he is unable to imagine how to repair the damage. Why can't I just smile and act happy?!? After all, his business is succeeding and he's doing the dishes more regularly these days, and he even took out the trash yesterday! (None of these things have I complained about nor have I asked him to do. I gave up years ago on having an equal partner in the chore department.) .
I've stopped reading the Bible, although I carry it with me daily in my lunch satchel. Seems like when I read there, I latch onto something that I manage to turn into another thing that I could do to snap him out of it. wrong. I am letting him separate me from God, from myself, from hope. I am the one who needs to snap out of it, so I type here.
I don't go to church now, because I feel so weak that I'm afraid I may crumble if another human being showed me some care, and so empty that I don't have words for casual conversation.
I thought that if I could get away from him during the day, then maybe I could reconstitute myself, but so far another job option has not been available.
Between a rock and a hard place is where we are able to grow? Better happen soon.
Looking at myself
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Standing,
My life has been about my Christian walk. God first, then my marriage, then my spouse, then me. I base my choices on what I learn and can substantiate in the Bible - NOT on someone else's INTERPRETATION of what is in there. Even though I knew there was me, there was my spouse, and then there was us - I had it misconstrued. I learned a lot later in life that if I did not take gentle care of myself, I would be in no position to take care of anyone else.
Marriage, marriage, keep the marriage, marriage is forever, marriage, never say divorce, never give up. Sigh. A one sided marriage, even with the absence of physical abuse, and the absence of infidelity, and the absence of drinking or drugs, has taken its toll on me. The pretense I put up. The facade. I thought I was faking it till I made it. . . . . but I can fake no more. It has come to a bitter conclusion, and it all really is in my spouse's court to change - if he wants me to remain. Yep, ultimatum time. Yep, I am worthy of better.
Not too very long ago, my choice was - very seriously - based on the fact that in my own understanding, there are a lot of needy women out there. My spouse needs a needy woman. I am NOT going to walk away from here, and let him bring someone who has not done all the hard work I have to take over in my stead. LOL. Warped line of thinking. I also believed that there will be a line of women just waiting for an opportunity to get into a relationship with my spouse (same as I had been years before) because they see him as so kind, and loving, and willing to listen. And who would want me? An independent, secure lady who has peace in her souls with who she is, and has a lot to offer to the world.
Ah well, being lonely inside of a marriage, is not the same as being on my own. I am not lonely as a person - I am just lonely in my marriage.
What are the words?
Submitted by Standing on
I'm So Exhausted, can you say... what exacty will be your ultimatum?
When I try to put together the words, my mind hears him raging and twisting and I feel hopeless.
Reading Boundaries in Marriage now. It's all great if you have someone with the ability to think rationally. This spouse is so in love with his business that I fear a legal separation would be the only boundary which might truly provide me some protection.
I am looking for the words
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Standing,
When I try to put together the words, my mind hears him raging and twisting and I feel hopeless. Me too, me too. I am trying to get to the point that I know that I know that I know that it is finished. And accept the reality I will need to be out supporting myself (my biggest stumbling block.)
I fully understand that the idea of counseling is to get alternatives and options and new choices I could make - not have someone else make my decisions for me. I just need to get my own butt in gear and accept the disappointment that no matter how many counselors and books and options I tried, nothing addressed the dynamics. I cannot clash against my spouse in his well in-grained system of heightened anger, wall of defense, and quite predictable way that each session in couples work end up; with him in tears, and wailing , "Oh woe is me. No one understands me." I am numb to the cycle already. I DO have the greatest of empathy for him. I HATE that he hurts so much. I WISH I could help him. All my years of attempts have gotten me fully disappointed, emotionally void towards my marriage, and burned out. Burned out. Burned out. In all the counseling sessions we have had, with the variety of counselors on all ranges of the spectrum from psychiatrists to family counselors to a Catholic Nun to pastors, not one has, in my presence, held him accountable for his poor behavior towards me. So that in itself has me doubting my own sense of reality. Argghhh.... ,
If I heard so much as a inkling that he gets how his behavior is hard to live with, if I got an inkling that he was starting to take responsibility for his own stuff, if I GOT AN INKLING. . . . . . . Even when he started to sleep out in our RV 3 months ago - he recently told me it is because he got tired of getting pounded. I did push him over when he snored, I did yank away when he woke me up with this twitching or clenching in his sleep. Not one word of mention how he realized how his snoring and twitching kept me from getting a decent nights sleep.
Well, at least I can fully admit I LOVE having the bed to myself. No snoring to wake me up, We had been told in a counseling session that sleeping in different rooms would be a good idea. Saddly, like everything else, it was all about him. He threw it at me like an accusation. Too too bad.
His 57 years of dealing and compensating and controlling has him a master at keeping anyone away from getting near to HIM. It is all others - poor counselors, me, our son, my brother, his siblings, his customers, our past 3-4 pastors, my Aunt, his sister-in-law, . . . you get the picture. He sees nothing wrong with who he is and he assigns blame to everyone, such as any disappointment or hurt I have is actually my anger at my father which I have thrown at him.
I guess maybe I just need to start typing the actual words here on this forum: I CAN make it on my own. I got my own brain programmed so deeply in: "this means my marriage will end" I just do not know exactly how to get past that. Even though, I have not had a marriage relationship at all since January 2011. My vows are near and dear to me. They were given to God. They are valuable. I have worked extremely hard at honoring them. All that I know at this point is I do not feel my spouse honors his - except for the 2 parts - till death do we part, and cleave only unto her. I am so tired of hearing how hard it is for him to have no intimacy for 3 years. I TOO have had no intimacy for 3 years. It is not just something to play around at. It is valuable, and has many components that are dear to my heart. But literally destroyed at this point in time.
vows
Submitted by mariel on
but what did you actually vow? to live with him when it was making you both miserable? To 'enable' him to avoid his own responsibilities? you can love someone without doing those things.
Respect and Trust
Submitted by Standing on
I'm So Exhausted, I worked all day near him and met with the Christian counselor, alone, in between, so all I have are random thoughts, which don't even begin to do justice to your post. Will lay them out here because this is what comes to my heart after reading you.
I don't struggle with being faithful, but do find it very difficult to respect my spouse. And to trust that he will protect the best interests of our marriage... I find impossible.
My upbringing and experience have not made me very emotionally intelligent, but I do long for connection... that longing to be known.. by someone who is genuine, authentic!
Today the counselor said a couple times that he knows I'm not very fond of my husband. Fond of him? What would that even feel like? I miss him when he's not around, in a relieved sort of way. Actually, that feels more like I have been brainwashed to be on high alert all the time, so if I am free of him for awhiie, my system shuts down... yet it's been tuned to that level of chaos and doesn't remember how to settle well for long, in the absence of the flurry.
Bothers me that I don't know what love would feel like, only caretaking. Lots of things bother me, including your comment about the inkling... since I got one lately. Have a hunch it's supposed to last me for ages, but he did give me one nonetheless.
And you know what... it's come to my notice that I can be quite vain. That really bothers me. Seems that since I am older now and don't feel so desireable (I am also older than my spouse by 6 years) and He is a Peter Pan sort, I am feeling stodgy and old shoe-like in comparison.... and none of that has a thing to do with his behavior.
There's a lot more to it, but I am officially tired of thinking about the whole mess for today. Guess I'll put some more energy into figuring out who I am and see where that leads. In the meanwhile, I am with you on the " I CAN make it on my own". Just don't know whether I want to? And that makes me feel weak?
Hugs.