Hi everyone,
I'm new to this forum and I've come here because my marriage and life are spinning out of control. I am Autistic (diagnosed as an adult) and my partner is suspected ADHD, on a waiting list for evaluation. It took us a long time to figure out our respective neurological differences, and over 13 years, a lot of damage has unfortunately been done to both of us. His struggles with executive function are always put above my own (more severe )ones; his tendency to create what I experience as chaos (no plans, no consistency, no sticking to commitments, disrupting my plans) directly confronts my need for order; and the alternation between cold distance and explosions of anger (which can trigger my PTSD) are really hard. Over more than a decade, I feel like I have had to live his life for him: earn the vast majority of the money, make all the strategic decisions, make sure he stays employed, finishes tasks, does personal hygiene, etc, with little or no support for my own disability or affection to nourish me. While I am working day and night to understand and accomodate my own disability (not least by trying to connect more effectively with him, exercising patience and non-judgement, educating myself about ADHD, doing tons of therapy to figure out how to support him) he seems to be refusing to take any steps to address his situation or to support me. Over the years, he has isolated me from friends and support networks by resisting my efforts to connect with others. He also blames me for the abuse and ableism, including (financial, emotional, psychological) exploitation and manipulation, that unfortunately many Autistic people face when we engage with others. The strain of this is hard on anyone, but for an Autistic person (for whom emotional and social labour is especially hard) it is almost impossible. He has not been able or apparently willing to implement even the most basic accessibility needs I require in order to be healthy (e.g. not moving my phone and computer, which can cost me an hour to find, not touching me unexpectedly or shining bright lights near me). My health is failing, and I have had to visit hospital a number of times for illnesses caused by stress and exhaustion.
I am a professional with training in trauma and I would normally advise anyone who told me this to consider all options, including leaving the relationship. However, I am struggling to differentiate what feels like almost constant abuse and gaslighting from what might be attributable to ADHD symptoms. My partner is a kind person at heart and does not fit other aspects of the profile of an abuser. I can't survive much longer this way, but I am faced with a seemingly impossible situation of continuing to live with someone who refuses to change (even to protect my health) and being completely alone as a disabled woman in her mid-30s who will most likely never be able to find another partner, let alone one who accepts her as an Autistic person (as a group, we face serious discrimination, ostracization and violence).
I would really appreciate any thoughts, even if just to know that I am not alone.
A note: please be aware that the internet is not in general a safe place for Autistic people, and we get attacked, belittled, undermined, abused and confronted with ableism often. I would really appreciate your replies, but please do not question my diagnosis (yes, many Autistic people do write! I am a professor who has published multiple books :)), blame me based on false but common stereotypes (e.g. that Autistic people 'lack empathy' - I have hyper-empathy); suggest 'cures' (Autism is not a disease) or anything else to do with my being Autistic. I don't mean to come across as hostile or defensive, but after years of abuse and ableism I need to be careful and to ask up front for your understanding.
Thank you!
Welcome AuM
Submitted by c ur self on
I remarried a single lady after my first wife passed away, she is diagnosed add, (adderall) and possibly on the autism scale (she thinks she is, and it makes sense)...We like you have been married 13 years now... I want go into all the symptoms, you named them very well, so the pain of these difference's don't need to be belabored by me....As for myself, I'm an HSP, and I was raised to be organized, (I need organization) I also am a planner to a degree. (especially when it effects others)...So as you stated, those things just aren't in her DNA....
As for as help, or what to do, (what I have done) I have placed many boundaries on myself....Help means two things for people like you and I....It means leave the situation, or it mean's to break the current unhealthy, intrusive, and abusive status quo...I decided on the latter, but, to actually do the latter (boundaries) it takes being at peace with leaving, if it came to that...(For years I was not at peace with leaving)....So coming to peace with what must be done, in order for us both to have a healthy life was a hurdle I had to get over....
I am highly productive, I can out cook, out clean, and put energy into a day with the best of them....So I don't NEED her, in any capacity other than what I was seeking.....A life of two being one flesh...Someone to share in life with...
But I came to realize, that some people just aren't able to take the responsibility for even that... (Their minds, and hearts consume them)...They tend to become user's, quick to be victims, many are easily addicted, they live in minds that are so self absorbed, they are blind to the simple ability to reach out, so most day's I find myself more lonely in her presence, then in her absents...
This is caused by attempting life with them based on our own thinking, and our own need for sharing....It always fails...We must accept another human's fixed reality, and to attempt to place expectations on them based on their words, (what they wished for themselves) or even worse, our own thinking....Is total self destructive!....I did it for years....We have to step back and base our engagement with them, on what is possible, and peace to be had...And, that must only be based on what their day to day reality and proven abilities is showing us...None of us like to face that kind of reality, because it's depressing:(...But, it will free us to make wise decisions...Even if they are hard, painful, and things we had really rather not do....
There are just many things she will do, or say, that I can't respond to, if I want a peaceful life....She is only a threat when I allow myself to take part in the chaos, and the childish and selfish words and behaviors....We will (you and I and those who stay in relationship w/ this mind type) never by verbal attempts fix the problem of differing realities.....The product of trying will only produce what you, and I, and millions just like us have endured....We develop heart and mind scars, when we repeatedly place confidence (our trust) in a person who isn't trust worthy when it comes to healthy relational sharing...Boundaries will help you to be at peace with you...We must free ourselves, and find ourselves...That can't be done until we can live without having our thoughts dominated by their life styles....Do you talk to yourself (long soliloquies) in order to calm yourself about selfish behaviors etc? It's not uncommon.....
I have written many posts the past 7 years, many on setting boundaries, maybe there is something you can draw from...Just click on my screen name, and it should take you there....
Many blessings!
c
Thank you!
Submitted by AuM on
Hi C,
Thank you so much for this thoughtful reply! There is so much wisdom in here and I really appreciate you sharing what you've learned. It really struck me what you said about being at peace with leaving if it comes to that. Like you, I have always been really independent and didn't need another person, but rather wanted to share my life with someone else. But I think along the way I came to believe that I am more dependent than I am (not least because of medical people telling me that I am more 'disabled' than I actually am). I am very lucky to have an opportunity to go and live by myself in another city for a couple of weeks, so I am going to use this as a chance to try out living alone and see if I can reclaim this part of myself. So thank you very, very much for this timely advice which will give purpose to that trip, instead of just feeling like I'm running away.
Also, sending solidarity to you - I can only imagine how challenging it is for an HSP to live with somebody so different from themselves!
Warmly,
A
Hi AuM - Was immediately
Submitted by nonadhdhub on
Hi AuM - Was immediately drawn to your post. I do not have an official ASD diagnosis but in my exploration of ADHD and neurodivergence I've found that I relate to almost all textbook male ASD-related traits. At this point consider me ASD with self-diagnosis...
My wife has ADHD and much of what you said resonated with me especially around how it impacts me regarding the inconsistencies, the messes, the disruptions, coldness, and how that has been an impact to my mental health for 2 decades.
As you probably well know, autistics are notorious for "masking" emotional and social situations and the masking is exhausting to say the least and as you described, often times impossible. I heavily sympathize there as well.
You also described the common parent-child dynamic that often occurs with ADHD partners where you are the parent and your spouse is the child: you "have had to live his life for him". It's a very common dynamic with ADHD relationships and is also very common in co-dependent relationships when a partner has an addiction. Root cause is usually because they have executive function issues so it's almost always going to feel like "you are doing everything" for you and for them.
It does kinda feel like constant "abuse" and trauma, doesn't it? Having autistic traits and having an ADHD partner is like polar opposites. That's probably why our initial attraction occurred in the first place, but over time, if I borrow a line from another member on these forums, the relationship ends up feeling like a "slow death by a thousand disappointments."
You had one comment which I recognized in my research around ASD and having common self-esteem issues: "will most likely never be able to find another partner". I have also had similar thoughts; I know now that's not true, but for years kept telling myself this. Even now as I consider all options for myself in my current situation, that thought has crept into my head a couple times; but as I pause and really reflect on the thought, I know that it's not true and have to fight through that self-doubt.
Sounds like you are doing a lot of research, so some of this may be redundant, but here are some of the things that have helped me:
I wish you all the best and hope you can find some peace in such a turbulent time.
Hi nonadhub,
Submitted by AuM on
Hi nonadhub,
It is SO great to hear from another Autistic person grappling with the same issues! It can be hard enough to find others who understand the challenges of one partner being neurodivergent, let alone both partners and, as you say, in such opposing ways. You are completely right about the masking, which I wasn't taking into account - I think this has caused me to underestimate or misunderstand the causes of much of the conflict in the relationship. Like many people, after getting the formal diagnosis, I think I have started to 'unmask' a lot more, and I can see how this might make the differences between myself and my partner greater. I also appreciate the advice to not assume that finding another partner would be impossible. I want to be with my partner through a choice, not because I (think I) have no choice.
Thank you so very much for the suggestions, especially around rebuilding my own sense of self. It is great to have some starting points that are already tried and tested!
Wishing you all the best, not least with your own journey around neurodivergence!
A
I understand
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hi AuM... you have had some great feedback on here already. I just wanted to give you the perspective of someone who recently left a very similar situation. I am not Autistic, but I can relate to feeling like you are living life for your spouse (on top of running your own life). I also felt like I was functioning for two people and was totally burnt out. I also got quite sick as a result (depression with physical symptoms, chronic insomnia, nervous breakdown).
I was with my spouse for over 20 years and I just left this year. The deciding factor for me was how willing he was to improve the situation. In my case, he was not. As you put it, "He seems to be refusing to take any steps to address his situation or to support me." For me, that said it all. There is a huge difference between an ADHD partner who is aware and legitimately trying (getting treatment, therapy) and a partner who sees the issues... including a partner's failing wellbeing... and chooses to shrug and carry on as s/he wishes anyway. For me, I knew I could not survive in that marriage indefinitely if nothing changed. And he was unwilling to change anything, so I had to leave. My health is so much better now. Life is manageable. I am no longer constantly anxious and exhausted. I don't regret it. I'd rather be healthy and alone.
I am not telling everyone with an ADHD partner to leave. I just think that the partner with the ADHD needs to put in the effort for anything to change. As the non-ADHD partner we can be aware of ADHD, we can do a little less for them, we can put up massive boundaries... but we can't solve it ourselves if the ADHD that's causing all the issues itself is never addressed. Perhaps when your partner receives his evaluation, he will be willing to treat the ADHD and take the symptoms impacting your marriage seriously. The fact that he's open to a diagnosis is certainly a positive sign. Your partner might end up putting in the effort--at the very least trying some stimulant or other medication--and that could go a long way to improving things for you.
I second the advice on buying Melissa's book. If you can get your partner to read it (or listen to the audiobook with you), that could be a good first step while you wait for the eval.
All the best. I hope you find a way through this.
Hi 1Melody1,
Submitted by AuM on
Hi 1Melody1,
Thank you so much for sharing so generously about your decision to leave and the reasons behind it. It helps to know that there are real options, and just hearing that it might be possible to regain my health is very encouraging. And it also does a lot of good to know that I am not making up the feeling that I might not survive if I carry on this way (I have often felt that I am exaggerating or being melodramatic, and no one seems to believe when I say it). Your words also gave me a lot of clarity about what I need to - and can - ask and expect from my partner: to try, to do the work, to show me that I am worth the effort, and to remember that it is HIS job to make the changes.
I'm so grateful for the kind and pragmatic advice I've been offered on my forum - it has made this all a lot less scary!
Also, I'm so glad to hear that you have found better health and positivity in this new chapter of your life.
Warmly,
A
Hello,
Submitted by Luna_91 on
Hello,
Your post hit a nerve, as I have experienced so much of the same. The resentment and disappointment causes this toxic stress that can lead to nervous breakdowns - where you actually feel like you're going insane.
I don't have ASD, but am an HSP. I like to plan. I like routines. I like to rest and relax, and I don't need constant stimulation to motivate me to be productive in the world. I stick things out until the end. I'm hardworking and take my life seriously. Yet. My spouse will...forget to eat. Never cooks for us. Never gets up at a consistent time. Is randomly employed here and there. Has hundreds of "ideal plans" for his future, that he never follows through on. Of course he has no self-esteem if he cannot live in the world in dignified ways, where he is taking care of his healthy, hygiene, bills, medical care.
Instead, spends hours on the internet. Gets depressed, suicidal. Well no shit he's depressed.
And it's not like I haven't tried. Made a giant organized planner for how he could spend the next six months getting certified as a software engineer. But he gets eaten up by self doubt and does nothing. Forgets to feed himself, forgets appointments, forgets to apply to jobs he was interested in....for two minutes.
It's actually insane. What I am putting up with bc I fear being alone. I fear living without companionship. I fear admitting that I am in a highly co-dependent, exhausting, dysfunctional relationship.
No change can be made by us. It is only on them. Sure we can support from afar. But the closer you are, the deeper you sink into their chaos and despair that is clearly not getting treated by enough professionals.
I know this wasn't advice, but more of a venting sesh. You are not alone, and we have to save ourselves however we can. Because we deserve people that are easier to be around, who don't depend on us while we cannot depend on them. Unless of course they are children that literally cannot fend for themselves.
Hi Luna_91,
Submitted by AuM on
Hi Luna_91,
Thanks so much for your response - there are so many things I can identify and empathize with, and your words make me feel much less alone. I have had so many similar problems with trying to coach or plan my partner's life to pull him out of depression, and always ending up, as you mention, deeper into it and more co-dependent (which is SO hard to admit, you're right!)And I totally resonate with your description of the double standard - I've often asked myself why my partner's needs and way of living automatically take precedence over my own, for instance, why is chaos and 'going with the flow' automatically valued more than calm and order (maybe because it seems 'more neurotypical'?) You also make such a good point about the lack of appropriate and effective professional support for both the ADHD person and their partner, which leaves us all stranded. (and the world is already hard enough for HSPs and others with sensory differences!) Hang in there and I hope all of us here both find some relief and ways forward soon.
Thank you
Submitted by Sherrieh on
Thank you for sharing. Just reading your post and all of the comments provide great support knowing that I am not alone.
marriage help
Submitted by nt_syd on
you have really painted a picture there about your relationship but im sure there is also so much more. I can relate, being in a situation that has some similarities. Im reluctant to offer advice, I certainly dont have all the answers and i only know what you have been able to say in a short post. Also, im pretty late to the discussion., but anyway..
perhaps a useful way to approach your problems is to keep in mind that marriage is an institution with its own set of scripts and expectations that itself is set up for people who are not neurodivergent. We are trying to force ourselves into a box that we cant fit. So rather than look for a solution that makes you or your partner fit into the normal marriage box - a solution that probably doesnt exist, it might work to drop the idea of what a marriage should be altogether. You could keep the relationship but totally rework how you do it. That might mean living separately, or rethinking expectations about sex or monogamy, or whatever parts of being married that are causing friction might need to be dropped altogether rather than fixed. I read your post and dont see a person who is acting out of any desire to hurt anyone, and your partner (hopefully) is not acting the way he is because he wants to hurt you - he is trying to cope too with the difficulties ADHD gives him.