"Avoidance is an unhealthy practice and when we have the courage to face something terrible that courage is rewarded with the gift of a deeper connection to our inner wisdom."
The most unattractive trait of my spouse is that of avoidance. Everything is kept at a superficial level and peppered with jokes and teasing - walking away in the face of meaningful communication. I have not had the tenacity to keep fighting that invisible wall that keeps us separate. When there is no active fighting, he seems to think that things are fine. He just wants me to leave him alone while he anesthetizes himself with solitary diversions. I feel odd that we are living this way and I hunger for partnership and companionship.
Today I am going to visit an old friend who is at the latter stages of ALS. The quote above is from writings of her husband, observing the visits that she has been inviting in the midst of her disabling disease. I am reminded that real love is the willingness and ability and courage to share the parts of ourselves that are the difficult and joyous - the stuff of life and in the end, decline and death. Real love is courage to walk through all that life stuff together, communicating with the ability to see and connect with love and care.
I just had to share my thoughts about this somewhere and this is one place I feel comfortable to do that. You are like my friends. I know after my visit with my friend today I will be inspired to share my real self even more and lessen my own avoidance and diversions, enriching my life and relationships.
Avoidance
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
You have great wisdom here. I am utterly convinced that my husband and I would still be married if he had just had the courage to speak up about what he was feeling and thinking. He will tell you he tried, but I don't see that. There were literally hundreds of times in the last 10 years of our marriage when I said to him "Is everything okay for you? Are there things we need to talk about? Are you happy?" He always reassured me that things were fine and often told me how much he loved me...and continued to deal with his issues by escaping in all sorts of ways.
Relationships impacted by ADHD get stronger when both partners are willing to engage with each other, including around things that feel uncomfortable. One can request and lobby for that sort of openness. One can write encouraging letters of love to help your partner feel safe and at ease. One can open up the conversation and invite the partner in, but ultimately it is the partner's choice whether to make that jump that feels so scary and actually engage.
That sort of avoidance behavior is often based in trauma - long ago trauma that impacted one's ability to attach is quite common in ADHD partners, in part because they often have a parent with ADHD who really didn't pay that much attention to them or make them feel as secure as they needed to feel to develop a healthy attachment style. It's particularly difficult if that parent was a mother in a family where the father might not have thought it was his job to be nurturing to the kids. Individual therapy to get to the heart of that experience and start to heal it can be really helpful. EMDR is one good option, as is IFS therapy. With helpful therapy, a partner gain can the strength to be able to engage with a current partner who is open to that engagement and careful to be respectful of each partner's opinions. (Read this comment this way - it's important you remain respectful in your interactions, too.)
Earlier relationship trauma in your own relationship can also be addressed through therapy, or through in-depth conversations when the stakes are high (such as a point of a potential split when both partners are more willing to reveal themselves for a potentially better outcome). For couples well into the conversation and in agreement that escape is painful and doesn't get at the issues, a verbal cue set up to keep the conversation engaged, vs. escape, may be helpful, too. But that has to be executed early, because the avoidance behavior is about emotional overwhelm (including dread). It is the brain going into the fight/flight primitive brain, as well as avoiding interactions that feel 'unrewarding'.
All of this work is hard, and the pattern is virtually impossible to change without the ADHD partner's buy in.
I didn't realize you were divorced, Melissa
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Sorry to hijack this conversation, but I always thought you were still with your partner, Melissa. Any nuggets of wisdom you can share from being through the full gamut? Thing you learned retroactively? Tips for moving on healthfully as a single? Many thanks.
Divorce Response
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Hi - yes, my divorce was finalized in April of this year. I haven't written much about it here because I wanted to get some distance on it before delving in. But you ask some things I've learned retroactively:
Melissa
Submitted by c ur self on
Thank you for sharing so openly; excellent points....I'm hoping you get that family time, travel and biking time, and wishing you much happiness going forward...
Blessings
c
Thank you
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Thank you so much for this thoughtful reply, Melissa. I am sorry for the struggles you've endured and heartened by your optimism for every day going forward. I will read this many times.
Thanks!
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Thank you both! I've found everyone to be really supportive, which has been lovely. :-)
I agree with c ur self and
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I agree with c ur self and 1Melody1.
Thank you
Submitted by CompletelyLost on
I read your book early in my marriage when I married a man who had undiagnosed ADHD. Over a decade and three kids later I realize I'm trying to dance on a dance floor without a partner. He is a decent father but he doesn't engage me at all. Literally, five minutes a day before he falls asleep is all I see him. He is not a bad dad and he takes his meds most of the time but there is no sex. There is no fun. There is nothing. We are roommates who never talk. If I try he runs out of the room. When my youngest graduates high school I think I'm done. I just can't anymore. I do that thing you talk about, the fantasy partner thing. They bait and switch you. Their hyperfocus feels amazing but it never lasts. Most of the time he is hyperfocused on something that has nothing to do with me and never will. I don't need hyperfocus. A normal amount of consistent attention would do but I get literally nothing. Thanks for sharing about your divorce. I feel better knowing that it's entirely possible I'll need to get one as the entire situation can't be dealt with alone with only one partner trying.
I'm sorry you're going through this CompletelyLost
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
It's a terrible feeling to sense that your partner isn't much interested in you (or harbors quite ambivalent feelings about you). It's lonely and confining, since you can't really find the 'consistent attention' you crave with another man unless you wish to cheat, which brings its own set of problems.
I'm sorry you've been going through this. I suspect other readers will empathize with your plight.
While you're still in it, I urge you to think about how you can take care of yourself in special ways that are about YOU - not about taking care of others, like children etc etc. That might be giving yourself the gift of trying something new and setting aside time for it. It might mean irregular weekends away with close friends. It might mean taking up walking in the woods for some quiet, or starting a gratitude practice. You deserve attention and if your partner isn't giving it to you, then get it from others and also give it to yourself. (Note: when I say get it from others I'm not advocating having an affair - that's simply too painful and complicated and I wouldn't wish that on any partner.)
Sending you a virtual hug.
Taking care...
Submitted by CompletelyLost on
You are completely right about taking care of myself. One of the things I've realized that I never thought about before until I read this book is how ADHD response can be co-dependent. I found a book I like that is helpful.
https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/B0B62...
Jenna....
Submitted by c ur self on
Hello Friend...Hope you are well....
c
Thank you.
Submitted by jennalemone on
Thank you, Melissa, for sharing your personal reply. i often feel like I am the wife of "The Good Doctor" autistic character. I know that in the end the wife will have to leave because she is doing all the lifting and repairing for the relationship. One in which she is getting not much back other than confusion and hurt. I get it...what you say about loving the person they COULD be. Thank you for giving us this forum to realize that it is not just US but we are dealing with something outside of us that we have to accept. Please keep this forum open for us. It is the only place for some of us to be able to put our situations and confusing events into writing for others to read and share without starting a verbal fight.
Forum will stay open
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I am not going away soon nor, I hope, is the forum. What I do isn't dependent upon my marital status. In fact, one could argue it is another valuable learning experience that allows me to help people in all sorts of different situations.
Ex should be applauded for being willing to continue to run this site, which he is doing for me...and for all of you. :-)
I wish you the best of luck!
Submitted by Varden on
I wish you the best of luck! That's a great quote, and honestly applies to both us non-adhd partners and our adhd partners in so many instances. I find that I get to the points of apathy a lot more often when I avoid facing the hard truths, but find it easy to feel empathetic to her and her needs when I face my own inner feelings that I ignore so frequently just to try and keep the peace.. Unfortunately, for my situation, I'm at a point where it's easier for me to face things than my adhd partner. For her, even talking about the "hard stuff" is basically me attacking her (in her eyes) or labeling or judgin her, because she's almost so closed off to the idea I could even not judge her like so many in her past. Hopefully your partner is more ready to face the hard stuff with you! As from what I've read it's the only way, when we both commit 100% to this idea. Again, best of luck! Hope I can be there too someday.