My ADHD husband grew up with parents that constantly bailed him out of one mess then another time and time again. I suppose it was easier to bail him out and do it themselves than have the patience for him to learn and fix it himself. So when we got together our dysfuctions worked together. Twenty years later I realize that there were dysfuctions and I have realized mine and been on a path to correct mine. In the process we found that he is ADHD and let me tell you that diagnosis really answered many questions from over the years.
I have learned to set boundaries and such and my life has become healthier and more aware. My ADHD husband has grown some, but it's baby steps. I would not be with him still if it wasn' for the fact that he is trying to overcome some of his behaviors etc.
However, many of the issues that my husband has not been able to improve, on some days can be so bloody frustrating and just UGH!!! Not paying bills on time, getting in trouble at work, lack of follow through etc. I try and do as much of the important stuff myself so to eliminate reprocussins. LIke paying the elcetric bill etc.
I try not to bail him out becasue he needs to reap what he sows. But when faced with a situation that he has gotten us into, I feel like I have to step in and fix it, or my whole family will suffer. This is what gets exhausting. He is not going to change...and I don't know what I am going to do, I guess one day at time for now. I love my husband, but I have resentment and trust issues with him.
Would Auto-Pay Help?
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I have found that setting up auto-pay for all our bills is key to making sure that nothing gets overlooked or forgotten.
The act of bill-paying is a "downer" so I think that's one reason many with ADHD procrastinate about it. Plus, paying bills requires them to stop doing some "fun thing," so that's another reason that payments can be late.
In the area of bills, it hurts the whole family if a bill gets paid late....late fees, penalties, etc. I wouldn't think of it as bailing him out by setting up autopay.
What "situation" has he gotten the family into? . You wouldn't want to bail him out for something that just hurts him, but if it's something that hurts the whole family in a significant way, you almost have to.
<<< I try not to bail him out
Submitted by frustratedwife on
<<< I try not to bail him out becasue he needs to reap what he sows. But when faced with a situation that he has gotten us into, I feel like I have to step in and fix it, or my whole family will suffer. This is what gets exhausting. He is not going to change...and I don't know what I am going to do, I guess one day at time for now. I love my husband, but I have resentment and trust issues with him. >>>
I can really identify with this statement. When you are married what one spouse does almost always affects the other, or the whole family. It's hard not to bail them out because in essence you are saving yourself from trouble. But yes it's exhasting, like managing a child. And my husband seems to think trust should be automatic. He seems shocked and offended that I don't trust him. The resentment is making me angry and bitter. I feel I deserve better and I don't want to babysit an adult man. I wanted a partner in life, not another adult to supervise. I'm always afraid and nervous about what he will (or won't) do next. I'm tired of being the responsible one.