“Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy - the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope and expectation.” ~Eric Hoffer~
“Disappointment will come when your effort does not give you the expected return. If things don’t go as planned or if you face failure. Failure is extremely difficult to handle, but those that do come out stronger." ~Chetan Bhagat~
I am surely wondering about direction. I did not get good instructions on marriage by watching my parents. My Dad was a raging alcoholic. Mean words were his backlash at us.
My spouse did not get good instructions on marriage by watching his parents. Ten years into their marriage, when my husband was about 7, his dad moved into another bedroom. His parents stayed 'married' until their deathbeds, warring factions: "active hostility or contention; conflict; contest: a war of words" as they were good Catholics, and good Catholics do not divorce. His parents did not talk, they used their children to send messages to each other, and the end result was you were either 'for Mom' or 'for Dad.' Mom worshipped the ground Dad walked upon. Dad despised Mom. Brutal. Ugly.
My spouse 'purposed' to do things different. I 'purposed' to do things different. My line of direction was study, read, ask questions, watch and learn. My goal was to be the good Christian wife, and tried my darnedest to make the right choices. Encourage my spouse. Lift up my spouse. Pray for my spouse. Encourage my spouse. Never degrade my spouse. Never speak badly of my spouse in front of his children. Be a cheerleader for my spouse. Bend to his leadership. Make my spouse happy. How did I lose myself along the way? I thought I was doing it right. I put time and effort and purpose into every choice I made. I raised our children. I supported him in his choice of being self-employed. I immersed my own self into making his dream come true. I did the housework. I did the laundry. I did the grocery shopping. I made the holiday magic happen. I did the administration for his business - without pay because it was easier for me - I loved what I was doing. It was my heart calling. And it had exploded all over the place. I feel his resentment towards me. I feel his anger towards me. I do not know how to deal with non-compromise. I do not know how to handle making agreements, and being disappointed in feeling let-down.
So when he said he was ready to try counseling again, I had that old glimmer of excitement. Really? You want to try? I am willing to put in a last ditch effort.
3 weeks in, and the same pattern has evolved. Not once have I heard him say what I so-o-o thought I was going to hear from him, "I see that these negative ADHD behaviors are getting in the way." or, "I am here because I want to know what "I" need to do to make this marriage work." The conversations fall into him weeping and wailing and being so despondent over "no sex."
I have 'no sex' too. I have no intimacy. I have no soft place to fall. I have no help. I have no support. Oh holy Toledo. I spent 29 years trying to be a couple, trying to be his support, trying to latch onto his dreams, and heck, I do not want to go out on my own.
I am staring the reality in the face: I will have to go out on my own.
:(
Submitted by snsforever916 on
Sounds like my marriage 20 years from now. Everything boils down to no sex. Sadly, for my sanity I give in. I just want to stop hearing the complaining about it. He's brazen enough to complain in front of friends and our young children. It's embarrassing to say the least.
I never thought I would be one of those women who withheld it or gave it when intimacy wasn't there but I have.
Understanding men
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
snsforever916,
I am sorry to hear that.
I read many a book on Christian marriages, and also relationships. Men vs Women. His needs. Her needs. Physical. Mental.
My favorite description is: a couple's intimate life is the barometer of how well the rest of their interactions are working. A cycle going round and round, he loves her, she loves him, he shows her love and takes care of emotional needs, she responds by being physically available, back and forth, each keeping up their end of the pendulum to keep the cycle of love going. Sometimes one giving a little more, another time the other giving a little more. Balance. Balance. Balance. Intimacy out of common respect and joy.
So much focus in the books I read went into "Keeping your man happy." "Make sure you are meeting his physical needs so he doesn't search them out in other places."
How do you get someone to understand that all your patience and kindness and helping has been sucked dry, and as harsh as it sounds, there is no intimate attraction left? How awful it is to be at that place. My mind's eye can easily imagine that dried-up desert of an intimate life being slowly brought back to life. It is my heart's desire. One side cannot do it alone. If that is what is left, if that is my only option, then I will have to look at the foolishness of trying to perform CPR on a corpse of a relationship. Only a miracle is left.
I wish I knew sooner what I could have done to prevent being here. I didn't get a grip on things until it was already speeding in a downward spiral. I thought I was doing things correctly. Well, can't go back. Don't choose to sit on a pity-pot of regret. I can only live in today and go forward.
Intimacy ♥
Submitted by snsforever916 on
What a foreign concept but your books description is dead on. I've told him until I've been blue in the face that women do not just get ready to go in 2 seconds. For us it takes a loving text, a nice phone call, a stimulating conversation, holding hands, some kissing and then about bed time we are there. However, when you don't call or text back, then when I get home and it's chaos and screaming until the littles are in bed and then for the first time all day you come over self exposed asking for love...Ya that doesn't do it for me or any woman.
Another thing is my husband watches pornography daily. The readily availability to (internet) pornography has ruined males ideals of a loving connection, intimacy and sex. He cannot wrap his brain around the fact that I am not those women. I am open to trying new things but some of the stuff he explains...I just shudder.
False images
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
snsforever916,
A bit of wisdom I came upon is this "Romance novels do the same kind of damage to women's image of men, as porn does to men's image of women."
All's fair in intimacy, as long as both partners are willing and interested.
As much as men wish their wives were ready willing, and able, at the drop of a hat, I wish men would realize the affect hormones have on our sex drive. It is not gone forever - just a few days. Just steer clear for a few days, and all will return to its usual and customary self. And it will probably be even BETTER if we felt honored and respected by understanding. Those few days are NOT about him not getting any, it is about HER dealing with what is going on inside her body. Sheesh.
Hmmm...
Submitted by snsforever916 on
Maybe in some ways romance novels can set up unfair expectations. I don't read those types of books so I wouldn't know. I know however I am not acting as though I need the moon roped in. My hubs constantly complains that I cannot get in the mood more easily or that I am never in the mood. I think there are A LOT of factors that come into play.
Yes, hormones do affect all women. I think my major issue, is stress. I deal with my stress via exercise. I do some all day. I workout before work, at work during breaks and after dinner I take my boys on walks. So, by the time he wants to be intimate...I am wiped. Some times I phone it in, sometimes I just say No. My hubby deals with stress via sex. It's crazy because when we do, I instantly become more stressed than I was before.
Love is a passionate commitment
Submitted by jennalemon on
"Without the commitment, it is mere infatuation. Without the passion, it is mere dedication. Without nurturing, even the best can wither and die."
♥
Submitted by snsforever916 on
This is so very true! I think I am in the dedication stage~!