Hi all, Have been browsing the forum for a while and have gained a lot of insight from your posts - thanks. I have a question. How can I be honest with my partner about how miserable I feel about our relationship without criticising him? I try to voice issues as "complaints" rather than as "criticisms", as advised in Melissa's book, but he is super-defensive and often just takes them as criticisms anyway! Lately I've been feeling really anxious and depressed. I'm seeing a therapist on my own to try and get on top of those issues, and am experimenting with mindfulness, focusing on myself etc. However, I still feel pretty rotten much off the time and boyfy can tell. So what do I say when he asks what's wrong? If I'm honest and say that I'm depressed about the relationship he usually yells at me or tells me to shut up. So it's often easier to pretend that I'm stressed at work etc... however, clearly this does not get my needs met. Any thoughts?
We are going for couples counselling with an ADHD coach soon so hopefully that will help but I'm curious what you all think.
Thanks.
I wish I had good advice for
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I wish I had good advice for this but I don't. My husband takes all comments about problems in our relationship as criticism and so for the most part, I fix problems on my own, don't deal with the others, and have the long-term plan of fixing the undealt-with problems by splitting up with my husband.
Thanks for your reply,
Submitted by hermione on
Thanks for your reply, Rosered. Sounds hard going. Sorry things have worked out that way for you. I'm hoping to stay with my partner and work things out but am not ruling out splitting up if I run out of options. Does anyone else have a perspective on my problem? Thank you.
I don't encourage splitting
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I don't encourage splitting up. It's very frustrating to me that my husband is so averse to discussing problems. Everyone has them, right? Every relationship has them. In my husband's worse-than-typical situation, he gets mired in guilt if he starts thinking about being responsible for problems and then he never moves on to resolving problems. So, the message has been communicated to me that I should deal with this by not bringing up the problems. I don't need to bring up every issue. I understand that. But some are too big to be ignored, such as long-term unemployment.
Yes, I find this thing of
Submitted by hermione on
Yes, I find this thing of "not bringing up problems" confusing. We're supposed to communicate our needs but it's difficult to do so to a hypersensitive person without being accused of being critical. I find the stress of bottling things up and walking on eggshells the whole time is leaving me with anxiety issues (which I did not have when I was single!).
Tell the truth
Submitted by sunlight on
"what do I say when he asks what's wrong?"
Tell the truth.
"If I'm honest and say that I'm depressed about the relationship he usually yells at me or tells me to shut up"
That is his problem, not yours. Walk out on him if necessary and get on with your day.
"So it's often easier to pretend that I'm stressed at work etc"
It's not easier in the long run. It leads to being a doormat and then he can ignore you and if you raise a whimper he will get angry - which is not a partnership, it's bullying.
"... however, clearly this does not get my needs met. Any thoughts?"
When discussing issues, until he gets better at hearing, don't start sentences with the "I" word eg "I need", "I want", "I feel" - he seems to be feeling he doesn't know how to give you what you're asking for, he doesn't and can't know how you think, he feels stressed and frustrated (in his mind this is always happening to him) and so boom! Men tend to respond to stress by withdrawing and talking less, while women tend to want to talk more. Add in ADHD and his stress levels are too much for him to bear. This is not his fault, it's not even necessarily part of his personality. Dial down the stress by being logical and not emotional. But don't let issues get buried.
I believe it was Winston Churchill who said "If you're going through hell, keep going"
I do not often discuss my feelings with my husband
Submitted by Standing on
because I'm still not very good at identifying them for myself, but working on that.
What I have learned through dealing with him is that I must be thoroughly prepared in my attitude, heart, and mind, if I really want a conversation to take a sensible path and to not unravel into a mess. I cannot blurt out a mess of emotions and expect him to make sense of it, because that will trigger his defensiveness. Counseling has helped me to tackle the sorting process. So does spilling it all out with a trusted friend or even on the forum here. The jumble that spills out initially will only overwhelm my husband, and I know that is just the way it is for him. I feel like I had to accept that in order to work with it.
I have to be cautious to not attach blame to him where my feelings are concerned. I mean, he does not Make me feel a certain way... my feelings are my own and I do have some choice about which ones I will entertain and endure. It's been important to me to Not take on a victim role, where he is responsible for my dilemmas and I am hopeless to change my situation. I do have options, choices - and those can be thoughtful ones, not knee-jerk reactions. When I'm prepared through all that to have a discussion with him, then I can be direct and begin the talk by touching his arm, his hand, and asking for eye contact. Then I can say, "This is not about you" (often repeated multiple times), Then I can tell him how I feel. Then he will look at me mystified (I need to expect this), Then I can tell him what I am prepared to do if there is not change (only if I am really prepared to do it.)
So I could be totally off base about this, but it's how I'm looking at life these days. This is not a "normal" relationship, but it is the relationship I have.
Thanks
Submitted by hermione on
Thanks a lot to Sunlight and Standing for your perspectives. Good point Standing about filtering and planning what I have to say a bit more, that probably would help. And Sunlight, you are right that if he blows up at me, it's his problem. I tend to start yelling right back at him, but I guess that part's my problem..! Which I can work on.
I've been trying to get out of the victim mindset, as you say, Standing. It's difficult when so often the choices seem to boil down to "suck it up or leave". Hopefully improved communication could open up a few more options, a bit more common ground. Maybe the counselling can help with that.
Had a bit of a breakthrough at the weekend actually! My partner suggested that we are more accepting of each other's feelings, be they anger, sadness or whatever, and not try to change them. I've been trying to put this over to him for a while, as it's a lot of pressure for me to wander around pretending everything's hunky-dory. So that was quite a significant step forward I think...
Thanks ladies