I love Rick Green! And I love the Totally ADD webiste. My most recent e-mail update from them was so in-line with my life experiences this week.
"This is about how a small thing can feel so big, or perhaps how a small trigger sets off a huge explosion… of sadness. Hmm. That doesn’t sound right. Anger explodes. Sadness… feels more like quicksand, pulling me down, and under." ~Rick Green~
I really, really get that. It breaks my heart to see my spouse melt into sadness and/or dispair. I have mentioned in an earlier post that my spouse now reads this forum. My participation here was not a secret. We actually attended one of Melissa Orlov's Couple's seminars after I found this site.
I have freely shared my frustrations. I originally thought my time of being able to post here was over. Then I realized that the timing could not have been better. I had turned the corner on my obsession with understanding my spouse and ADHD, and turned my focus into being the best person Liz can possibly be. Each day I learn a bit more on how to communicate better, and how not to take my spouse's personal inventory, but rather work on my own.
One reality I have seen by reading countless experiences here is this: There is evidence of a definite pattern that happens when a person has unidentified ADHD as a child, spend a lifetime develeoping their own coping pattern of behavior, and then 20 some years into a marriage, when their spouse has taken on more relationship responsibility than they should have, they finally reach their own breaking point when that unstable framework collapses under the strain.
I have been working on myself, Liz. I am breaking old patterns of destructive communication. I am breaking old patterns of scooping up more responsibility that I should by falsely thinking I could keep everything going smoothly. It really wasn't working. I just thought it was. Maybe to outsiders, it looked like it was working. But for me, it was overwhelming.
I have stopped making excuses. I have stopped smoothing over rough places. I continually have to reiterate to our 2 adult children that I did what I did because I knew at the time it was the correct thing to be doing. Now I know better, so I am doing better. I am valuing Liz and her well being, not sacrificing it to keep everyone else happy. Even in that, it is really rough. They grew up in a world where Daddy being happy was everything. And Mommy made it her goal to achieve that. And now I know THAT WAS NOT THE RIGHT THING TO DO. Everyone is having to adjust. I upset the fruit basket.
I refuse to get into verbal disputes that will only get louder and louder and louder. I know without a doubt that I cannot convince my spouse of anything he does not, cannot, or will not see. My reality is my reality. My prior post - ADHD - stuff to accept, and stuff not to expect - was carefully thought out. Edited and edited many times so it would reflect my feelings. It still struck a nerve in my spouse when he read it. So I went and reread it. And still feel comfortable in everything I shared. It is always wisdom to choose words carefully. I am finding the balance between feeling fearful that no matter what I say, no matter when I say it, it will be the wrong thing. Oh, that eggshell walking gives me a knot in my stomach. Is it truthful? Is it necessary? Is it said to purposely hurt someone else? Those are what I choose to use as my filters.
I am in a community here on this forum, of those who understand. And I continue to encourage my spouse to give himself a voice and say what is on his mind by participating.
"This is about how a small thing can feel so big, or perhaps how a small trigger sets off a huge explosion… of sadness. Hmm. That doesn’t sound right. Anger explodes. Sadness… feels more like quicksand, pulling me down, and under." ~Rick Green~
The holidays are here. I spent many past holidays skirting around a lot of things. And being constrained by my inability to MAKE it happy and joyful for my marriage and everyone else. So, I eneded up just not doing a lot of things I wanted and dreamed of doing, in order to keep it peaceful here. And in reality - it never worked. I was not happy. I was disappointed.
Thus, this year, as I mentioned in my previous post, I am doing Liz's side of planning based on Liz. What I had done in previous years was isolated myself from a lot of things because I couldn't control the situation and make it happy and joyful.
I think I had some sort of breakthrough. I was sharing my plans for Thansgiving with my spouse - attending a Community Thanksgiving Dinner, and then going to visit my parents. These choices were based on several things. 1. Our children are adults, our daughter works that day, and our son is having dinner with his girlfriend and her family. 2. My spouse had told me that he cannot do family events (my family or his family) right now. 3. I did not just want to stay home all by ourselves. 4. Holidays have always - yep, this time that word is valid - always been a source of upheaval as far as the emotional parts go. Where I hoped for joy, and fun, and spending time with those I love, it was high anxiety, sullen frustration, and out and out feelings that presented themselvs as anger and hostility. My spouse appeared really cross. He responded it was "always like this on the holidays. Anxiety, anxiety, anxiety. Where to go. Who to spend time with. Family stuff........." I responded that it always did seem to be that way, and this year I was NOT going to allow that to rule the way I spent my holidays. AND, I was really glad he saw that, because I felt I have been struggling with it for years.
Oh, this relationship of mine is still in a precarious spot. I want to be able to re-negotiate the rest of our lives. That means some things gotta change. Until that time presents itself, when I feel that is a possibility, I will continue to work on Liz. And, enjoy the upcoming holidays!!!
Liz
It is what it is
Submitted by jennalemone on
Thanks, Liz, for the posts. I seem to be in a similar place as you are. We didn't know what we didn't know and did the best at the time. Now we get to find what works BETTER. Not to keep doing the same things and feeling bad about the outcomes and ourselves. We don't have the luxury to plan the holiday activities and just expect to enjoy. We have to do a bit of setting ourselves up with strength of character just to endure the holidays and find some rewards, peace and comfort to give ourselves and those we love with some faith and joy.
There is a "bit" in Kathleen Madigan's comedy sketch where she talks of her parents babysitting her bratty nephews. They say: "First of all, we are just going to get through these three days with them. Then we are going to clean up the mess they have made in our house. Then we are going to put on a happy face and tell the parents we had a delightful time. Then we are going to the casino and we will have ourselves a delightful time."
It is what it is.
Tis true! It is what it is.
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
jennalemone,
Each day is a balancing act. Not the precarious sort, like walking a 20-foot-long tight rope that is raised 15 feet above the floor. I am talking about eating healthy-enough food all week long so I can enjoy a luscious dessert or meal every once in a while. I am talking about getting enough sleep so I am fully rested to enjoy the day's activities. I am talking about giving myself enough room to deal with plans that do not go 100% as expected. I am talking about listing all the things that would make the holidays special, and then eliminating the possibility of an overload that would make it miserable - focus maybe on the Top Ten, and let the rest go. I am talking about getting together with family over the holidays, catching up on our lives, enjoying our differences, and then going home to our own comfortable surroundings. In truth, I have 7 siblings, 6 who are married. My 3 sisters are my best friends. I love them. And we all 4 agree we would kill each other if we tried to live together :) I enjoy some time together, and then go to our own homes and lives until the next family gathering.
I had my marriage out of balance. Liz was determined to beat the odds and be one of those marriages that last forever. Liz was determined to do what ever it took to be the wife of a happy husband. Liz was determined to be the top-notch Christian wife. Liz was determined to stand by her man, and support him, and encourage him, and . . . . . . . . . . .well my focus got way, way, way out of balance. Probably because I was looking at marriage with blinders on. Happy husband. Happy man. Happy father of our children.
I TRULY believed that is what I was supposed to be doing. I required nothing from him. I took responsibility for supplying all that he needed. I changed my mind. I deferred to his wishes. I was so afraid I would lose him, I never considered to keep it in balance and realize he was as lucky to have me as I was to have him!!!!!
So, it has been I who shifted the balance. While I realize I indeed upset the fruit-basket, I have hopes all the good things I believed were in our relationship were not just based on what I was giving and giving-up without expecting anything in return. That behavior was my error.
Now I know better, so I do better.
Men think different than women. ADHD brains are wired different from non-ADHD brains. Right brained people think differently than left brained people. My spouse discovered he deals with a lot - A REAL LOT - of anxiety. From the outside, it presents itself a whole lot like anger. I support him in finding new ways to cope or deal or whatever the correct word is to describe not allowing anxiety to rule his life.
A quote I heard a long time ago is : The bridges you cross before you get to them, are almost always over rivers that aren't even there.
Yep, is a good idea to have a back up plan. It is a good idea to learn to accept life as it comes. Adaptable. Enjoyable. In the moment. We cannot get yesterday back. We can take the lessons we learned with us. I hope to see change. I can only choose to base what is happening on current past behavior - efforts are wonderful. They are something to base hope upon. Efforts need to continue to become the current past behavior. There is a balance in needing to know what to try again. That which has previously left a collection of scars are best not attempted again.
Life reads easy and works hard.
Show me. Show me. Show me.
Liz.
Holding my Own
Submitted by jennalemone on
So in my new attitude of being mature and less emotional/needy, I calmly asked H why I just saw him walk around the car and check and double check that his car was locked in our driveway. We don't even lock our house doors at our midwest country home. We live at the end of a private road. It is the middle of the day and he is going to be leaving to go away in 30 minutes from now.
He looked at me very upset and yelled at me red in the face, "Christ almighty, Jenna, What do you think? Must we go outside and let you scour the contents of my car? Let's go right now and look." ....and he went on and on loudly how angry he was at me for asking him that question....he ran outside muttering toward the car yelling at me to come with him.
I didn't go outside. I didn't respond. Just watched and listened to his reaction. And I realize. My question was not out of line. I don't need to have emotion over his outburst to my question.
How should he have responded? He could have said calmly, "Do you think I locked the doors because I am hiding something from you?
I would have said, "Yes. It was strange and suspicious."
He should have said. "Do you not trust me?"
I would have said, "No, you seem to lie about many things."
He should have said. "We need to work on that. A marriage is built on trust and intimacy. Not hiding and suspecting. What shall we do about it?" Then the conversation and a dinner talking would have been nice.