Wanting to ask a question here, just out of curiosity.......about being "in love".
First....some background: My H was the first man I was ever deeply and totally " in love" with. It was a sensational feeling, and I stayed "in love" for all this time, (despite the difficulties) except for when (2 years ago) I knew I had to " disengage" this, and distance myself emotionally from him, for my own well being. He told me in the beginning that he "loved me" but never actually said the words "I am IN love with you", to me. I DO believe there is a difference between " loving" someone, and being " In Love" with someone. Plus, I think its possible you can have both. Anyway...
I know for most couples the "in love" fades, and a deeper and more mature level of love presides and we go on from there. But, there HAVE been couples that truly have stayed "in love" with each other. It's these, couples that I'm curious about, in a few ways. Maybe this is not possible for couples, where ADHD is in the mix, or IS it? but I am asking for other people's "experiences" with this.
Question: Do any of you still feel the "in love"? and.......have you ever had your ADHD spouse actually be IN LOVE with you? (to where you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that they really WERE " In Love" with YOU? Or, maybe did this "in love" leave quickly, like other things in their lives? Or has it shown itself in other ways? Or maybe never been? Or maybe its still there and better than ever.......just very curious.
I hope this doesn't sound really crazy, and like I'm looking for a Cinderella thing. Its just something I've been curious about for some time now.
dedelight, on romance and love
Submitted by jennalemone on
I read your entry and it is making me think. hmmm...since we are on this board where "happy ever after" is not our theme, I will guess that many of us have that question, "What would it be like to be 'in love' with someone for a lifetime?" I, too felt "in love" with H at the tender age of 15 and for decades after that tho we split up and got together a few times. I can no longer invest my emotions like that. I have had to grow up and accept reality for my sanity. I will give this topic a stab from my point of view...
"In love" is a romantic notion filling novels and movies with feelings of blissful harmony and reciprocal caring. I used to love feeling "in love". No one in a long term marriage my age, that I know of, is "in love" anymore. There is tolerance, acceptance, appreciation, faith and partnership, community, family ties, and at best adoration and pride (maybe those two feelings ARE being "in love"". I can manufacture tolerance, acceptance, appreciation and family ties. But I can not, my myself, sow the seeds and reap the good feelings of faith, partnership, community, adoration and pride in my relationship with H. I, like you, have had to step back in my expectations and disengage and distance myself emotionally for my own well being. That, is disappointment in this area of my life and something that I must cope with. Coping is not loving or being loved...it is our lot for those of us who made some unfortunate decisions (as good as we could) or are in situations where there seem/seemed no better options. And now we live with those decisions, coping and finding joy and peace where we can. I have no remorse for not being in love.
So maybe we are asking, "Are we missing out on something really, really big and important or is it a fool's journey to want to be in love?" It is a question I share with you, dedelight.
I do believe we were both in
Submitted by Brindle on
I do believe we were both in love with the other one at the beginning. I also think that his selfishness was hidden, though, by the hyperfocus stage. I think he really loved me, and sold even himself the story that he'd do so many things when we were married. But in the end, selfishness + undiagnoses/unaddressed ADHD won out.
Like Jenna, I don't know any couples at my stage of life that are in love anymore. (Marriage roughly 20 years). I kept my admiration for him for quite a few years. I was in torment at various stages, not being able to reconcile the guy I thought he was (we dated for 4 years! + 1 good year of marriage +1 so-so year of marriage) to this guy who didn't seem to care about me at all. At some point, I started to lose feeling for him. It was gradual, a necessary and natural response to someone who doesn't look after you at all except rare gestures that gave me a glimpse of who he was in the beginning - just enough to confuse and hurt me all over again. Almost all my admiration for him is completely gone. He does have two qualities that I like, but all the rest of his character has degenerated over the years. I hardly recognize him anymore.
I think if I had a spouse in whom I could see a genuine caring attitude, who was just loaded down with the struggles, I could still feel admiration for him. One who was genuinely sensitive to my feelings as well as his own... that's a guy I could still feel admiration for. Shoot, maybe even fall in love with that kind of guy again. But right now, his unchecked ADHD and selfish behaviors over and above that are definitely in the way.
Hi Dede, Just Coming Back to Visit ......
Submitted by kellyj on
and to see how you all are doing. I hope uou don't mind me chiming in here, but two things that I've learned recently, really stuck and I had a couple of "ah hah" moments.
The first one, I know I've heard before ...but when I read it again, I went "Omg..that's it." Here it is, plain and simple: " the opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of Love, is not caring."
Hate, you'd think, would be the worst of all....but I think with Hate....at least you feel something, or you hate not feeling closer or you're hating whatever ..because it matters so much. That you care a lot, and you hate the thing that is causing the problem? It's not good by any means....but It's something. With not caring there is nothing. I've mentioned a few times...it felt like a morgue or death....in my house at times growing up, and that's what It's from. I'm really sure of that now. Not caring, is nothing. Nothing but indifference and annoyance....like your in my way. It's connected directly to dismissing you as kind of irrelevant? And none of those sound as bad as hatred but ...it really is that bad. Worse....if you see it as opposing Love...or the opposite of it.
Hatred or contempt...is not saying a whole lot better, but at least it says something rather than nothing at all. I setiously, felt like what I said growing up in that kind of environment which appears perfectly fine, from the outside....what's the problem? That, right there...is a Love extinguisher. You can't keep it up, in the face of indifference and not caring. That was the buzz-word, that really told me that this is no way to live.
The second "ah hah".....actually gets tagged onto another clue to the one, that was brought up here a while ago about the difference between men and women inside their brains. The fact. that the testosterone disengaged one part of the brain that cross-talks with the other side which allows men to compartmentalize easier or more naturally than women?
Taking that into account....I really just stumbled upon a video that caught my eye. It was a women sex therapist on Ted-X talks and it sounded interesting but she said something that really clicked.
She said, that out of all couples she work with along with her research ...only a smaller % of couples had raging good sex. That seems to fit what your saying or asking about? Are there some? It appears so? Less than most...but a few?
Who knows all the reasons...but it would appear that those folks do keep it going none stop even later? But they also seem to be in the minority? You'd think, since they never stopped? You'd also possibly assume...they Wouldn't be having passionate mutually satisfying sex, if they hated each other, or they didn't care? One would think?
The other really, really interesting tid bit she told, in her 30 or so + years as a couples sex therapist... "that women normally cheat, when they're getting ready to leave the relationship"...and..." men normally cheat to stay in the relationship."
She gave reasons for that, but it was those two things plus the other one here, that made.men and women...distinctly different. Otherwise...not all that different in most other ways as far as what we all want simply as far as getting our needs met. The needs being the same for the most part just being human?
It also means ( in my mind ) that men have it over women....in some rewards then.... women have it over men ( in turn ) from what men lack? And trying to go against the grain...is hard for anyone no matter who you are?
Unfortunately....you don't get to pick and choose sometimes....when you can use what is your strength are ( naturally ) and when you don't. And neither can the person your with especially having ADHD? ( with its own set of limitations that are outside of anything else )
But It's kind of a moot point, if you don't care? That has now become....the 3 words I listen for the most. More than any other words....those words are the deal breaker for me.
J
In love...
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
To me being in love means you would be distraught if the person died/left and you feel an ache to see them at the end of the day and feel a part of a team. Like when people say "I married my best friend". I don't feel that anymore. I had spurts throughout the marriage when I forced myself to think that I could be a better wife to make all better. But now that I know I am doing my best and he is ill, I prefer being alone since there is no anxiety, stress, negativity, abd honestly, I would have more money alone. He doesn't want a FT job but wants to work as a seasonal DJ, a glam job, all the time. So we are hurting in the Winter, yearly I hear complaints of being broke then in the Summer, he is on top of the world again. BUt he doesn't plan for dead season in winter. How exhausting. HOWEVER, if he got help and put an effort to get better and be a good husband, I could easily rekindle that feeling again. I have given up on that idea since even when we have an ok moment, he quickly falls back on his tempermental ways, not finding work, obnoxious loud behavior in public, grandiose dreamer thinking, poor manners, conspiracy theories he shares with everyone, etc. I have recently decided to hold my head up and remember I am my mother's daughter, not just his wife and I define MYSELF, his bad behavior is not who I am and most know that when they say "poor thing" and "how did he get you?" So it truly is up to him to make me feel "in love" since I do love him as I love my family and friends that sometimes I have to limit association with since they can get on my nerves. But as of today, I would not remarry him even though at times it seems we are made for each other just because I know what movie he wants to see and he knows what not to put on my pizza. Hope that makes sense.
NGLM,myself, just read this, touching
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I could have written this also. Amazing. My H does the same with his work when it comes to getting paid. He complains every single day about money, and is continually penny wise but pound foolish. He too, only gets paid part of the year, and every summer there is no money to live on.I get disability which is only a few hundred a month, which sucks.
He did get a PhD in music education, but the pay is lousy where he works. It is almost not worth the years it took to get the degree. But, this job he took is one he wouldn't say no to, when there were better jobs available. It was crazy, and he is the major earner for us. When I was working, we did better, but the pain got to be too much.
I too, also had to stop the "in love" feelings I had, because it made no difference to him. Its almost like he's "indifferent" when it comes to affection and showing attentiveness to me. Sex is non existent, and has been for years. This is not normal. So, there's not much "reward" or reciprocal things in this "marriage". In fact, I don't see it as a marriage anymore,but more of an arrangement, to where we live in the same house right now because itsjust more economical that way.
I still wonder why he even asked me to marry him in the first place. Sometimes I would like to know the answer to that one. It was more likely an impulse decision like many others.
It is confusing to me why he wouldn't want to " feel" that his wife was "in love" with him. Doesn't that matter to him? Or are you just totally indifferent about that too?,I want to ask him. What DOES matter to you? Is the other question I'd like answered.
Anyway,thanks for writing. And thanks to all the others who posted.interesting answers from everyone. .....loved them.
**Being in Love**
Submitted by c ur self on
Humans are strange....I have to ask my self if I truly know what love is after reading all these posts....What I've read here is (correct me if I'm wrong) that because your spouses love for you isn't reciprocal, you are not "In love with them anymore"....I get that if we are talking about the fairy tale..LOL....But, I hear a few women who are definitely in love with their husbands...But I also hear a few women who are angry about it...LOL...
The sad truth is we can dislike being put off sexually, we dislike not getting supported finacially, we dislike the lack of manners and all the numerous other faults our spouses have....And that will never stop us from being in love....We can even wish they would leave us, but just because we hate their life styles and feel no attachment any more...That doesn't mean we are not in love w/them....
See for myself, I've found that my love has grown consistently for my spouse....We have had a wild ride for 10 years, but, I am more in love w/ her today than ever before...Look at me...Look at yourselves....Our very presents in their lives, Our concern about their sufferings....Of course we would love to change the things we feel has robbed us of the fairy tale....But we are in love....
Setting boundaries says I love you....
What is love?....Isn't real love about sacrificing? John 3:16....For God So Loved the World.....You know the rest.....I thing you ladies have proven how much you are in love....And your husbands who may not have a mind that is capable of the depth of visual love that you are....And who may not have the courage to confront themselves....I believe they are in love with you also.....
Does our disdain for what we have experienced over the years cause us to feel empty and unloved.....You bet....Has it cause us to fight ourselves, and get on to ourselves for wanting the fairy tale...You bet....
Just my view...
C