Has anyone else lost the esteem of those around them for standing by their loved one with ADHD through the years? I'm finally divorcing my husband after a rocky 10-year relationship and it's cost me more than I want to admit. I've read a lot of the posts on here but haven't seen people discuss much about how others in their life have viewed the relationship so I'd like to share my story and would love to know if others have gone through something similar - and if so, how did you deal with it?
Ten years ago, a senior in college, I fell in love with a foreigner who'd come to the US to study seven years prior. He was out of status at that point but was getting by as a salesman at a friend's shop. When we met, it was fireworks, true love at first sight for both of us. Chemistry, emotional connection, shared values, everything. We were madly in love.
Then there were things he was hiding that started coming to light. The terrible temper (aimed at others at first, but eventually me too), the impulsivity, the social faux-pas, constantly getting in fights with friends/coworkers/family/me, never showing up to court for a dozen speeding tickets, losing job after job after job, the passive-aggressive behaviors that protected him from failure by setting the bar very low, fighting like a six-year-old, failure to pull his weight in handling responsibilities, mental/emotional/financial dependence, addictions (marijuana, porn)... and on and on... It was so exhausting trying to solve all the problems that kept "coming up" somehow.
All this emerged over about five years. That was when I learned what ADHD was and it all fit together, especially in light of his typical behaviors in childhood. Unfortunately, where he grew up, people didn't know what the problem was so he was teased, picked on, called crazy - which made him extremely defensive. So while he admitted an ADHD diagnosis sounded probable, he'd swing back and forth between wanting treatment and denying anything was wrong because of the stigma. I didn't want to turn my back on him thinking if he got treated things could be okay - but we couldn't afford to treat him unless he was working, and he couldn't get stable work unless he had his legal status sorted out...
So finally we hit a brick wall after exhausting all the cut-rate counsellors and self-help books. We couldn't be sure if our problems were because of ADHD, the pressures of his legal status, or just who he was, so we took a risk and married discreetly to get him his green card and try these solutions. Unfortunately, the government tried to deport him. I had to go to court for two years to keep him here. During that period I found out he had been seeing another woman behind my back for three years, and in the two weeks immediately after our marriage when we were apart (because we were moving and I went ahead of him) he looked the Other Woman up and had two weeks of marathon sex with her before coming to join me.
I have strong principles, and they were really at war here. I don't believe in changing people but he asked me to support him as he tried to change for me. I also don't believe in walking away from someone in a time of crisis; too bad his crisis lasted for 10 years. But I carried him over the finish line because I love him and realize there is something he can't control without meds he hasn't been able to get yet, and his legal status limited his options to deal with the situation in any other way.But I've had it now - he's still not being honest or open enough and now seems oddly under-committed after everything I've done for him (this being a guy who proposed marriage after 3 months of dating).
This relationship not only broke my heart, it destroyed who I was. My faith, my principles and values, my optimism... my self-discipline... my self-esteem... my financial, emotional and mental security... and especially my reputation. I used to be known as the level-headed, strong, smart, compassionate one who was bound to achieve great heights, and now because stress from this situation has boiled over into every other aspect of my life, people think I'm unstable, neurotic and weak. My family, friends and colleagues have seen me power through to fix this situation but they just think he's a loser, a jerk, mentally retarded, lazy, and anything else you want to label someone with ADHD as being. So I am by extension an idiot, naive, blind, etc etc. Everything but strong, loving, caring, patient, tolerant, understanding. Two counselors have confirmed the ADHD diagnosis so it's not in my head. The guy does have a good heart but his life is total chaos and he has some really terrible coping mechanisms and terrible impulsivity. But he's aching to be a good person; he prays regularly, cries with frustration when he talks about trying to achieve his goals... it's heartbreaking. Why he had to bite the hand that feeds him is what I don't understand.
So I'm starting over now. I have to lose everything I worked for, and face everything else I lost along the way. I feel like my entire life needs to be rebuilt from scratch, starting with my own mental/emotional well-being, my character and my reputation. I'll get there eventually. I'm so relieved to find this site. I'm glad I'm not nuts and I'm not alone.
Has anyone else lost the esteem of those around them for standing by their loved one with ADHD through the years?
my reputation suffered in a different way
Submitted by arwen on
My husband and I worked for the same employer while we were struggling with his ADD issues over 15 years. I was typically the one who had to deal with all the fallout from the problems that his ADD behaviors created at home, and sometimes the impacts impinged on my work responsibilities (like the time he forgot to pay the balance of our daughter's college tuition with his credit card as we'd discussed and agreed, and she called me up hysterical in the middle of the work day because her college told her she was going to lose her scholarship as a result -- I actually had to leave work and drive several hours to her school to deal with the problem in person -- and while I was there, I had to deal with a business meeting via conference call instead of in person, which was not really adequate). Aside from the fact that these kinds of situations made me look incompetent, all the stress of dealing with his ADD affected my health and I had a higher incidence of absence as a result, which got me into a certain amount of trouble with my boss. My boss and our colleagues knew that my husband had ADD, but because he functioned fairly well within the strict framework of operations at work, nobody there could understand the personal problems he created among his family and thus how his ADD could be impacting my work.
He knows he has ADHD, but so what? He still hasn't been shocked!
Submitted by Dan on
Hello:
I'm a man with ADHD, getting divorced because of it. I therefore have been shocked, really. I mean really shocked, like having a life-changing event such as a "heart-attack" kind of shock. My thread is here: http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/find-volunteer-slapper-your-husband-and-reason
I could go on and on, but I think I posted many of my thoughts on this already. In summary:
1. The human brain is the most powerful tool in the world. ADHD, which is a brain condition, is very powerful, more powerful than you and your ADHD husband can ever imagine. Even the most educated scientists and doctors still haven't figured all the power of the brain (including ADHD) has on people. With that said...
2. Something that may help your husband, is a "shock" similar to a life changing event of a "heart attack". Maybe a "virtual slap" won't due. The "shock" of a divorce worked for me, I wasn't fortunate enough to get a "slap" first. That's why I'm an advocate for wives getting "real" help for their spouses if they still love them and if children involved.
You see, men and people in general, our minds won't or can't change until we really have to. Like a being told by a doctor that we have diabetes and being told to change our diet and take meds. Most men will say, OK, doctor says I have diabetes... but so what? Who cares... I still will eat, drink and do whatever I want.
He says: I accept I have diabetes, but diabetes means nothing to me, it's what I am.
or he says: I accept I have ADHD, but ADHD means nothing to me, it's what I am.
Until one day, uncontrolled diabetes can kill, due to high blood sugars causing damage to arteries and veins, leading to heart disease, stroke, and heart attack. THAT'S THE SHOCK that some men need to take diabetes seriously.
What "real" shock has ADHD given your husband? He has had pain, but is it "real" pain like losing his marriage?
3. I don't know what you have all tried with your husband, but it's seems that none of it has worked. I don't advocate divorce, but perhaps some men need that "shock" to really do something about their ADHD. The "shock of a divorce" is not needed for everyone and it may be overkill, as it was for me, but regardless... it worked, and I think it may work for most intelligent men. Again, I don't advise the shock of divorce, until you think you tried EVERYTHING else. My soon-to-be ex-wife tried very little, she skipped ahead and just went for the "big one"... she filed for divorce the same month I was finally diagnosed with ADHD. I use the analogy, like being told for the first time by my doctor that I have diabetes, I then walk out his door and have a heart attack. Most wives on this ADHDMarriage site, I appaud you for your patience, understanding and for trying so much more than mine. Your strength is amazing! I know, because I know how tough ADHD is on a marriage, your ADHD husbands don't know how lucky they have been to date. Now, best of luck to you... I hope it works out for both of you!
Exhausted all options to save the marriage
Submitted by Almost Over Now on
I first suspected ADHD, started reading up about it then started presenting the idea to him back in 2004 and the diagnosis was confirmed professionally. For a long time there was no way to get him on meds because his illegal status meant he couldn't be covered by health insurance (which I couldn't afford anyway as a full-time student), but after he got his green card he did get a full-time job where he could have paid in to health insurance but he simply chose not to. In the past year he's been unemployed but could have gone back to school like he's been talking about since I first met him ten years ago, but always has an excuse about why he's not going - and if he went, he could qualify for free student counseling/ADHD coaching and get discounted meds on health insurance but he's not acting on it. I've given ultimatums, I've been on the verge of divorce many many times before, but none of that was ever enough for him to even so much as seriously read up about ADHD enough to become convinced that he really has the condition. He is not committed to solving this problem, and this problem has turned my life upside down and wrecked our relationship (substance abuse, cheating, lying, financial instability etc) so I have no choice but to leave him no matter how much I love him. He's grown very resentful that I am even trying to "change him" (change how his condition is impacting our lives!!) and if any of these related issues come up in conversation he will either explode in anger or just deflect it with useless explanations (excuses) and promises he has no intention of keeping. I can't live like this forever and he's not willing to take responsibility for this condition and how it's wrecking our lives.
I feel your pain
Submitted by mradhd on
I have stayed away from this site for a little while now because, it provides so many answers and possible solutions to marriage problems with an ADHD spouse that it's quite frustrating. I am in a very, very similar boat. What makes it so hard and painful is that we who are afflicted with this wonderfully/destructive gift/curse, seem to be the only ones that get it. I was just referencing this site on a blog that I stumbled on that was discounting ADD as a real condition. The general consensus was that we fellow ADDers either need a little more discipline or we just need to "try harder". I swear I'm gonna slap the next person that suggests that to me!
I too have a soon-to-be ex-wife who didn't try AT ALL to work with me to improve our reoccurring problems with my severe case of ADHD. The sad part is that she was the one to suggest to me to have my doctor refer me to a specialist to see if I had ADD. Both my doctor & the specialist, and even my HMO dropped the ball on following up with treatment. I feel that I can say it like that, because most of us will understand what I mean by it. To the "normal thinking" brain, it can sound like just another excuse as to why I didn't take care of something that was so important. Perhaps I just didn't care? NOT A CHANCE! More like, perhaps I have ADHD and often have a little problem with following up or following through with something. But again, it's just ANOTHER EXCUSE! Isn't it?
The ugly head of divorce first reared just over a year ago, when I, on my own doing, researched the effects of ADD in adults and relationships. As a matter of fact, I found a book on Amazon that ultimately led me to this site. The book is titled, "Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD?" I read some excerpts from it to my wife & we were both like, "do they have a camera following us around?". We both had our jaws on the floor. Strangely though, 2 days after the book arrived, she said she was leaving me. I thought, "What!? Wait a minute. Didn't we both just see a little glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel?" She told me to read it and she might eventually read it too. NOPE! She read 56 pages and determined, somehow, that the book verified to her that I can choose what I want to focus on and that it must mean that the things that were making her crazy weren't important enough for me to do that. Really? Well anyway, I have scratched a hole in my head from trying to understand where she got that from. She eventually moved back home after 2 1/2 months of being gone. It was fairly devastating. I couldn't believe that it was actually happening.
Fast forward to October 2009, when she said that nothing had changed and she wants a divorce. She said many hurtful things to me, with complete intent to hurt me. I forgave her, even though she never asked to be forgiven. At that same time, she started talking to a guy who is her friend's cousin, after she saw him at a birthday party for her friend's kid. They started texting and facebooking each other and within about 2 weeks after that, I saw that he was like a stalker, texting her a lot. She was sick the one day & I was caring for her. While she was sleeping, he called her 5 times & texted her 5 or 6 times. I read the texts and lost my mind. He said how much he missed her & that he loved her. And she must have woken up at one point earlier and texted him to tell him that she was still feeling bad & would have to take a rain check for tonight. WTF! A rain check for what!? That was the most painfully devastating experience of my life. Little did I know that I could expect it to get a whole lot more painful and devastating. She now has her own apartment and our 4 children stay with her most of the time. They are young girls, ages 4, 6, 8 and 13. One of my biggest challenges is understanding how she stands by her theory of this needs to be this way because she has to stop worrying about me and just concentrate on taking care of our children and their best interests. Another man sleeping in our bed, where daddy was sleeping just a few short months ago, is considering their best interests. I just don't get it at all!
None of this makes sense to me when you consider we've been together for 16 years and married for 13 1/2. We have 4 young impressionable girls together. I feel like I'm living in a real life nightmare and I just can't wake up. It would seem to make sense that we had a little something to work for. It's not like I was indifferent or unwilling or abusive. I never even spoke badly about her to others. I have always been loving, loyal, dedicated & willing to be better. So why are so many people quick to turn everyone's world upsid down, but not willing to save and protect what they promised from the beginning. Now I'm getting aggrevated & tired.
My friend. I wish you the best of luck and hope things turn out better for you.
God Bless
MR
I felt it necessary to add to this post, as I realized it only expressed my anger and frustrations over what I'm currently dealing with in my life. Just a little earlier in the day, I had received another verbal bashing that wasn't deserved, and I wasn't completely open about who she once WAS. I gave very little attention to who this woman was that I married and so badly wanted to share the rest of my life with. I will try to be fairly brief, as it sometimes is difficult to face the reality of what I've done to change this woman into the bitter person that she has become. It is also very painful to look back at what a true blessing she was in my life and how much I will miss her.
This woman was, without question, the most caring and loving person I had ever been around. She wouldn't hesitate to help a complete stranger when she recognized that help was needed. She has always worked in a care giver role at her job. She is currently a nurse at a home resided by mentally & physically handicapped adults. To see her at her job, is like watching the sun rise. Everybody loves her. She brings smiles to the people she cares for. She brightens everyone's day when she walks into a room. This is her natural beauty, unless there's a storm cloud blocking her gorgeous rays of sunshine.
When we met, she was engaged and living in an apartment with her fiance and elderly mother. She had a mutual friend tell me that she wanted to "jump my bones". At that time, I was working in a bar and was somewhat of a focus of attention for many ladies that came in. I was a bit of a male slut, to be honest. We spent that night together and there was just something about her that really made her so different from every other girl I was with. She was pure and genuine and so damn hot!!! Don't get me wrong. She was not that type of girl to have one night stands. As a matter of fact, I was only her second intimate partner. She was engaged to her first, but she wasn't happy. In talking with her that night, she revealed that she had first noticed me in a crowd of people, at a concert, in a 80,000 seat stadium. Wow!!! I couldn't believe it. She described me and my actions and I was just shocked. I was very flattered too. I wanted to see her again, so I asked if I could have her number. She looked at me like, "Really!? You want to see me again?", like I was some kind of rock star or celebrity. I couldn't help it. There was just something so incredibly special about her that I knew I would just keep thinking about her and didn't want to take the chance of not seeing her again. The very next Friday, we met again & spent the night together again. She told me that night that she loved me. That would have typically freaked me out and made me run away. I was "happy" being a single guy, with a fair choice of females to be with. I even left the bar that I worked at, with another woman, while she was there. Fully aware that she was only there to see me. But I had a chance to be with a girl that I had long sought after and didn't want to blow it. Besides, she was engaged. No big deal. Anyway, we continued to see each other and fell in love rather quickly. A few months later, a friend of hers who was secretly in love with her fiance, decided to tell him about her cheating on him. Surprisingly, it all worked out because she was aware of him cheating on her and he didn't really have anything to stand on. Well, this amazing woman took me in and trusted me, when she could have easily just believed that there was no way that I would be faithful. I was a slut, remember. I haven't so much as kissed another woman since then. There was absolutely no way that I would do anything to ever give her a reason to not want to be with me. Besides, she was THE ONE! And I knew it. I had no desire for any other women. As I said before, no one had ever showed me the love and genuine feelings that she did. NO ONE!!! We would stare into each other's eyes and just cry at how much we loved each other. Wow, this is getting a little harder than I thought. Our wedding song was "Endless Love", sung my Mariah Carey and Luther Vandross. That song just described how we felt about each other, like no other song could.
Over the years, she was putting up with my insensitivity and selfishness, but it was wearing away at the person she once was deep inside. I would often speak down to her. Questioning just about every single thing she did with a condescending tone. I am an intelligent person, that did fairly well in school without trying very hard. My most common comment received on my report cards was, "Student doesn't apply himself properly". She always saw great potential in me & just knew I would do great things. But I would just float out these empty promises and dreams, only to keep disappointing this woman who deserved so much more.
She's an awesome mom. There's nothing she wouldn't do for her children. She's a true friend that would be there for you if you needed anything! No one would have to ask, she would just be there! She repeatedly listened to my cries and pleas to just believe me. I will NEVER let you down again. I promise! Until the day came that no words could fix, or even put a band-aid on the wounds that I inflicted on her. I came to realize this one day, when I found a letter that I wrote to her only 11 months into our relationship. When I first saw the date on the letter, 9/24/94, I thought, "this should be a nice gushy letter. I can't wait to read all the passionate, fluffy words that I strung together to tell her how much I loved her.". UH, no! I soon realized it was a letter that I could have written her 6 months ago. Exclaiming how sorry I was that I had let her down. How bad I felt that I knew that she was starting to feel like she couldn't depend on me. Proclaiming that I would NEVER let her down again and will always be there for her. Filling her with claims of being her Prince Charming, who will one day fulfill most of her dreams and all of her hopes and wishes. We were going to be great and have an amazing fantasy life together. There couldn't be anything more further from the truth, than what I wrote in that letter. You know what I thought to myself? I thought, I better put this letter in my pocket and not let her find it, because if she were to realize that she has been putting up with my broken promises and constant disappointments for nearly 15 years at that point, I would definitely said to "stick a fork in me.". So I did. No, not stick a fork in me, but put the letter in my pocket. Like nothing I ever could explain or have ever felt, something (God) touched me and said, "Do you really want to do that? Doesn't this woman deserve happiness? Shouldn't you realize by now that you have been selfish for far too long?" I began to cry very deeply. A way I never cried before. It felt like the tears were just pouring from my heart, and not just my eyes. I knew then that she deserved to see that letter. She deserved for me to set her free, and to stop dragging her down further with me. She deserved to know that I really did Love Her!
Because of my faith in God & His son Jesus Christ, I know that He ultimately decides who deserves what, and who should be together. So I put my faith and trust in Him, knowing full well that He only wants great things for me, as well as her. I pray that she can forgive me for killing the woman she once was.
No one has said it but
Submitted by Clarity on
I'm feeling it. Looks obvious to me as we have never achieved the financial stability our friends and family have. I was once confident but now I'm so exhausted I don't care. Old cars, no vacations, same old wardrobe... The stress of this relationship has affected my health and I feel I am no longer able to maintain the level necessary to succeed. My ADD husband can be very charming in public so, I'm sure people figure it's me.
Smaller
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Your experience is actually sadly typical. If we give up too much of who we are in order to satisfy another person's needs we risk becoming diminished. You literally feel as if you, and the world you have access to, are smaller.
This happens when we take on another person's responsibilities and ignore our own needs. You weren't "true" to yourself, and now feel as if you can't find yourself. To keep from "feeling smaller", a non-ADHD partner needs to:
If you are the ADHD partner, not being diminished suggests a slightly different approach:
Hope this helps.
i can hardly talk to my best friend
Submitted by happycamper13 on
i totally relate to your post. i have a lot of support from my family and friends for whatever decisions i make regarding my adhd husband, but there are people who i can tell think differently of me for continuing to deal with this. my husband used to say that "nice guys never win." i explained to him that with his behavior come to light, nice guys were looking at our relationship as a primary example of a good girl with a jerk. he's not a jerk. but he's done some really jerky things, so it's hard not to feel like a sucker, or to hear what must sound like me making excuses for him. it eats away at my confidence and strength when i see people who no longer want to speak about it or can't be around him anymore. it's heartbreaking.
I can't talk to my friend either
Submitted by jgf on
happycamper13, you just wrote exactly what I'm going through! It's so hard to listen to a friend tell me to "just divorce him" because she thinks my husband is being a jerk. And when I try to explain what's going on, she tells me that she knows all about ADHD because she has friends who have it. So, she *knows* that he can "just get over it." And since I won't divorce him she just can't talk to me anymore [that was a little over a year ago -- we've since talked, but only about "safe" things (kids, weather)]. It doesn't matter to her that people are different and respond differently to various treatments. It's sad to see that friendship dissolve.
pots and kettles
Submitted by happycamper13 on
people's perceptions are so strange...you would think your friend would be more open knowing that it's a disease and not just a character defect. then again, my friend is bipolar I, and while she has a strong belief in mental illness treatment, and is very high functioning herself, she doesn't want to deal with how his disease and behavior hurts me. my husband resents that because we've dealt with LOTS of her quirks without question.
if i were to take responsibility for some of this, i guess it would be fair to say that she doesn't like to see me all co-dependent, blaming myself, or scrambling to make up for him. still, i don't feel i can really talk to her because i think she'd rather have me without the "burden" of my husband. this is all a little new, so i'm hoping that if she sees me stand tough like i am now, she will at least respect my decisions. she always liked him, but not his neediness. his recent atrocities really hurt her. (think john edwards while i was 8 months prego). the ripple effect is wicked and insidious sometimes.
sometimes all this makes me wonder about myself and my proclivities for surrounding myself with people who are delightfully mentally ill, delightful that is until i have to live with it daily. i've been friends with my best friend since waaaaay before the onset of her symptoms...guys i've dated, same. i seem to be able to sniff them out like a cancer dog. sorry for the harsh words/imagery, i'm trying to make light really, instead of feeling freakin' crazy!!(sound of maniacal laughter). thanks for your post, it's nice to know someone is reading.