We are getting some major home renovations done this week and we had to pack up all of the clutter so people we hired could move everything into a portable storage unit. I started boxing books a month ago, but I am working this summer and my wife is off. I expressed concern during the course of the last month that we would not be ready. This was based on previous experiences, such as packing for moving a 3 in the morning and then leaving a bunch of stuff behind--in a different state! Also, part of the reasons she did not get more packing done was because she was too focused on fighting with the kids about why they weren't helping. Granted, the kids should help. But we had a deadline, and it had to get done. (BTW, I discovered how our son had gotten around his chore of shredding papers by attempting to burn them--in a plastic cooler, under the wooden deck and the propane grill!)
On Friday, the portable storage unit was supposed to be delivered, but they had it backwards on the truck. I found out about it when I got home, but she was not there. So I called her to ask why this happened. I was confused about why anyone would want the doors facing the back of the driveway and not the front. Her phone dropped the call during the conversation. I did not say she did anything wrong--I just wanted to figure out what the company had told her. But I was "attacking" her.
On Friday night, I was about to go to sleep and I noticed that there was a very large pile of clothes on our bed. I just said to myself, "Oh, there is still stuff on the bed." My wife was in the bathroom and overheard. She lashed out at me because I was being over critical. When I tried to point out that I had just reacted to something I noticed and did not say anything thing like "Why did you leave all this stuff on our bed?", she then claimed that she was venting because I had been too critical all week. I had always complained that she was focusing on the wrong thing. I admit I did express some frustration that she was cleaning the porch when we needed to clear the living room and dining room. She was able to fit some of the stuff from those rooms onto the porch.
Around 8:00 on Saturday, I got back from the store. I was bringing in groceries and she had not fed the pets (they usually eat at 6:00). I got a bit upset that she was not helping with the groceries and I was expected to feed the pets as well. I then asked, "When are we going to start dinner?" She snapped at me for being critical. I pointed out that I asked when WE were going to start dinner--not when she was going to. Nor did I complain, "Why didn't you cook dinner?" I wound up going for a 30 minute walk until she would treat me with civility. Again, she claimed it was because I had been too critical during the week.
Sunday morning, they redelivered the storage unit. There was a low hanging, not in use wire that was in the way. While she was trying to use a very large piece of wood to lift the wire out of the way, she absent mindedly swung it and almost him me in the head. I did not get angry, but naturally I was surprised expressed my shock (Something along the lines of, "Woah! Look out!") Again, she started yelling at me about being critical. She later said that if I think she has ADHD then I should understand this. I pointed out that yes, I understood that she was confused, but she could have apologized after she calmed down and realized that she had almost sent me to the ER.
The people we hired to move things came at 2:00. We were still packing, of course.
bowlofpetunias...I'm sorry!
Submitted by c ur self on
LOL...Your little story is so familiar....All I can do is hate it for you...Normal reactions, Normal responses, Normal questions about responsibility sharing....Isn't normal for victims seeking concessions....It's really not your job to try and hustle her up, remind her, pet her ever time she gets her feeling hurt, because you expected her to be responsible...But life just keeps stopping for some people....(are I should say, some people just keep stopping on life)....
And like your situation here where you have bitten off this moving project (Brave Man!)...Along w/ your job and home life....You need to be able to count on her....Like I said I'm sorry!...All we can do is learn what is and isn't possible, set boundaries to that effect....And never go against what we know isn't possible...(Denial).....And if we do, don't be upset or act like we are shocked when what we knew was bound to happen, happens...
One of my boundaries is to never let her plan any thing for me w/o my permission...Certain mind types don't seem to be able to recognize acts of love, and kindness as something they should just be thankful for and appreciative of....These minds I speak of, react to help or acts of kindness w/ expectations for more of the same....I like to do things for my wife...But, I actually have learned to quietly pre-qualify many things I do....By saying...It's just because I love you....Since we had this conversation a while back....( I told her then, every thing I do for you is out of love...I told her I have absolutely no expectations for myself, to run interference or carry her in any fashion....
c
Critical
Submitted by Leo2115 on
Ok this is my first post here and it might get me kicked off the site so I'm going to try to be honest and fair. You sound a bit like my husband....critical is a great word to explain how your wife sees you. So your communication style is off if you ever want to get along. First of all, I'm not sure how old your kids are but sounds like she wasn't just 'hyper focused on fighting with your children' but trying to be a parent, get them to do what they should be (which is impossible sometimes) because she is trying to make them be the best they can be. But by you stating it in that way your frustration comes through loud and clear. And i would bet you money that its your energy, not your words that say "He's criticizing me again." No doubt because you are "working for the summer" and you wife is not makes you think she's got it easy, maybe eating bon bons watching soaps. As if raising children is an easy job, if you think working 24/7, no pay check, isolation, shit from your kids all day, no time alone, zero appreciation and criticism from your husband when he walks in the door is an easy job then please apply here....your argument is very one sided sir. And I understand that your frustrated and resentful, I'm sure your wife is too.
What is the deal with the she'd? Did you leave specific instructions? Was the shed staying in the driveway or moving to another spot? This is a common theme I know very well...."why would anyone leave this shed facing in this direction?" Was she supposed to read your mind or is there a manual on "how to correctly place sheds in driveways" that she missed. Maybe she thought, if the shed is staying in the driveway, that the doors facing in would better protect what was in the shed? But I really enjoy when my husband states his opinions as facts and how everyone sees it his way, how stupid of me to have my own opinion of how something should go. Because clearly the rest of THE WORLD would no doubt place the shed facing forward! Move the shed if you have a preference to positioning. I'm sure at the time you wife had more important things to deal with then to give a crap about the position of the shed. Now here's the kicker...you "mentioned to yourself" something about the pile of clothes on the bed? Within ear shot of your wife? Which im sure is not the first time you've "mentioned (something)to yourself." Am i right? Its called being passive aggressive and to your wife sounds a whole lot like criticism! You mentioned it out loud so she would hear you....she did....loud and clear! You are not doing the things I want you to do, how I want you to do them and I'm disapproving of you....not to her face but behind her back.
This one is another one of my personal fav's "we" statements. You are not being honest when you say that comment is innocent. I was just kindly asking when "we" were going to make dinner. So you guys cook together? Trust me...I've called my husband out many times on this one and even he can't deny im right. Stop making it out to be that you are entirely innocent here. Was she the one making dinner that night because if you were cooking then you wouldn't have asked you would have just made dinner. "We" statements are "you" statements in disguise. Not sure why you guys ask them....maybe another passive aggressive thing. And then you can't feign innocence....honey I said we not you.
And for crying out loud, she accidently ALMOST hit you. You're lucky she didn't really smack you. She didn't mean to and your writing about it here like you never do anything wrong or have accidents yourself. Geez let it go already.
Clearly you need help communicating as much as she does...you are not innocent. You're passive aggressive tactics are driving your wife crazy.
For the record
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
1. I know that being home with the kids is hard work. I spent a great deal of time at home with our son when he was very young. I also know that my wife, my son, and my daughter all have anger management issues and they all feed off of each other. I often have to be the referee. My wife will get extremely distraught at herself after she lashes out at the kids, but will often not listen when I try to warn her that she needs to disengage or at least tone down the anger. She wants to solve every problem right then and there in the heat of the moment (even if it has been going on for years and this heat of the moment strategy never produced any results), and she covers the same ground over and over. She will humiliate the kids. "Tell your father why you took the video games when you weren't supposed to have them. It doesn't matter that you already told me, I want you to tell him again. Tell him!" or threats to send pictures of our daughter's urine/feces to her therapist via text messaging.
2. "you "mentioned to yourself" something about the pile of clothes on the bed? Within ear shot of your wife?" As I explained in the post, I DID NOT KNOW that she would overhear this. I did not even know she was on the same floor of the house as me. So, no, it was not passive aggressive.
3. Actually, she is the one who returned the portable storage unit because she saw that it would not work. The problem is that I was asking her about the situation over a bad phone connection and she jumped to the conclusion that I was criticizing her when I was being critical of THE COMPANY. And it did matter that it was facing the wrong way because the movers would not be able to get around to the back after they took furniture out the front door. The back of the storage unit was farther back than the front steps and there was no space to walk around it.
4. By the way, I often cook dinner. And do the dishes. And do the cat litter. And feed the pets. And do the yard work. And do the laundry. I would have gladly started dinner as soon as I put the groceries away and fed the pets, so no, it was not passive aggressive to ask when WE were going to start dinner. It would be if she were the only one who cooks.
5. I was not angry that she almost hit me. I was angry that she started yelling at me for a non-angry reaction to the board almost knocking me out and then did not apologize after she calmed down. All it takes is a little consideration--"I am sorry I yelled out you for saying 'look out' when I almost hit you. I would have reacted too. And I am sorry I did not see you." When I do make mistakes like this I acknowledge them and apologize. That is all I wanted from her. She also has a long history of blame-shifting, a common tactic among people with ADHD because they feel so negative about themselves that they can not accept responsibility for anything they do wrong. It must be someone else's fault.
Critical
Submitted by Leo2115 on
Ok this is my first post here and it might get me kicked off the site so I'm going to try to be honest and fair. You sound a bit like my husband....critical is a great word to explain how your wife sees you. So your communication style is off, it needs to change if you ever want to get along. First of all, I'm not sure how old your kids are but sounds like she wasn't just 'hyper focused on fighting with your children' but trying to be a parent, get them to do what they should be (which is impossible sometimes) because she is trying to make them be the best they can be. But by you stating it in that way your frustration comes through loud and clear. And i would bet you money that its your energy, not your words that say "He's criticizing me again." No doubt because you are "working for the summer" and you wife is not makes you think she's got it easy, maybe eating bon bons watching soaps. As if raising children is an easy job, if you think working 24/7, no pay check, isolation, shit from your kids all day, no time alone, zero appreciation and criticism from your husband when he walks in the door is an easy job then please apply here....your argument is very one sided sir. And I understand that your frustrated and resentful, I'm sure your wife is too.
What is the deal with the shed ? Did you leave specific instructions? Was the shed staying in the driveway or moving to another spot? This is a common theme I know very well...."why would anyone leave this shed facing in this direction?" Was she supposed to read your mind or is there a manual on "how to correctly place sheds in driveways" that she missed. Maybe she thought, if the shed is staying in the driveway, that the doors facing in would better protect what was in the shed? But I really enjoy when my husband states his opinions as facts and how everyone sees it his way, how stupid of me to have my own opinion of how something should go. Because clearly the rest of THE WORLD would no doubt place the shed facing forward! Move the shed if you have a preference to positioning. I'm sure at the time you wife had more important things to deal with then to give a crap about the position of the shed. Now here's the kicker...you "mentioned to yourself" something about the pile of clothes on the bed? Within ear shot of your wife? Which im sure is not the first time you've "mentioned (something)to yourself." Am i right? Its called being passive aggressive and to your wife sounds a whole lot like criticism! You mentioned it out loud so she would hear you....she did....loud and clear! You are not doing the things I want you to do, how I want you to do them and I'm disapproving of you....not to her face but behind her back.
This one is another one of my personal fav's "we" statements. You are not being honest when you say that comment is innocent. I was just kindly asking when "we" were going to make dinner. So you guys cook together? Trust me...I've called my husband out many times on this one and even he can't deny im right. Stop making it out to be that you are entirely innocent here. Was she the one making dinner that night because if you were cooking then you wouldn't have asked you would have just made dinner. "We" statements are "you" statements in disguise. Not sure why you guys ask them....maybe another passive aggressive thing. And then you can't feign innocence....honey I said we not you.
And for crying out loud, she accidently ALMOST hit you. You're lucky she didn't really smack you. She didn't mean to and your writing about it here like you never do anything wrong or have accidents yourself. Geez let it go already.
Clearly you need help communicating as much as she does...you are not innocent. You're passive aggressive tactics are driving your wife crazy.
Shed
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Regarding the "shed". On Friday, the portable storage unit was supposed to be delivered, but they had it backwards on the truck. I found out about it when I got home, but she was not there. So I called her to ask why this happened. I was confused about why anyone would want the doors facing the back of the driveway and not the front.
I believe bowlofpetunias Was referring to a "PODS" style storage unit. I used the PODS storage system for a move, and some of the containers are quite large. There is no way for someone to move the unit by themselves. A special truck with a crane arm is used to position the unit....
A
yes I see now
Submitted by Leo2115 on
I didn't quite understand the shed situation was a large container for furniture. When I think shed I think tiny tool shed.
I'm a little confused
Submitted by vabeachgal on
about where the doors are facing. I just filled and emptied a "POD". I had the pod delivered and re-delivered and placed in the driveways with the doors facing the house so that it was easier to load and unload the unit - fewer steps. Are you advocating that the doors face away from the house, toward the street rather than the house? I don't understand THAT. I wanted the doors to face the garage, where I had staged all of the items to be moved and near the front door.
Also
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
In addition to my explanation below, we could not use the garage as a staging area. It is detached from the house. Given the size of the furniture, we would have had to take it out the front door and all the way past the back of the house to reach the garage.
If we could the furniture into the garage, we could have moved it into the storage unit by ourselves. I have two bad shoulders and a hernia. My wife has a bad back. So we needed movers.
Neighbor's house
Garage DrivewayDrivewayDriveway
Deck Our House
to bowlofpetunias
Submitted by jennalemone on
Moving when one member seems to not follow through on agreements and responsibilities or with odd logic without communication is crazy making. I hear you bowlofpetunias.
Storage Unit
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
We have a long driveway and we wanted to park the cars in front of the storage unit, so we wanted the storage unit way in back. Rear facing doors would not work that way. It did not fit in back, so it wound up blocking the driveway in the front. Even so, the doors needed to face the front because the storage unit was so long that the rear-facing end was behind the porch and therefore not accessible to anything brought through the front door. SOME things could go through the side or rear door, but certainly not the couch.
Wow...ok...
Submitted by Leo2115 on
Hello.....Not that you had to explain any of that to me but I see now, it makes sense, because that is how my husband is. He was diagnosed as a child, and has not done anything about it since. His anger, and stress (self induced) is out of control. I think when I read what I perceived to be criticism, it triggered me because I can never do anything right as far as he is concerned. Tells me what to do, how to do it and what I should think about it. Calls me a child and he refuses to lift a finger even to pick up his own underwear and trash around the house. I'm a little impulsive and he will sit, and think about doing things while they pass on by. Opposites to say the least. He is passive aggressive and wants me to hear his snide remarks. I'm working on two degrees simultaneously (ADN and BSN) he thinks I'm sitting, doing nothing all day on top of managing the house,(all cooking, shopping, cleaning) and bills, my school, anything to do with my son or husband is done by me. But he does provide for us and works a lot. Then all he can do is complain about everything. If there is really nothing to complain about, he will find something. I'm optimistic and positive so its hard for me to be around that all they time. I think we have a great life and he seems like hes waiting to start his. Choose to be happy now, don't wait for it to drop in your lap. He never shows appreciation or apologizes for anything. I cannot bring up any issues I have with him because he will turn it all around on me. He literally uses the 3rd grade "NO YOU ARE" argument. He nit pics the crap out of me and after I had my son he basically treated me like the maid and nanny. Worse actually. It all but ruined my self esteem until I finally was able to apply for my nursing program that I had worked so hard to get into. He refuses to go to couples counseling and I highly doubt we can solve any problems on our own. When we argue it is almost like he is gaslighting me because I get so confused by the stuff he says. It's like hes just throwing stuff at the wall hoping it will stick. Does any of this sound familiar? I really need to know what I can do to help our situation. Because really deep down I know hes a good person but our communication sucks. I've contemplated having a therapist come to the house so that we can work through some issues but I'm also scared. I constantly walk on eggshells to avoid an attack. (never physical). Good idea or no? Any tips? Sorry for misjudging you and thank you for responding...