Let me just say I am a small petty person. I know this. Twenty one years of marriage to an ADHD DH really does a number on your sanity, as so many of us know. So these are the things on my mind that make me want to blow a gasket. First--on July 4, our 17 YO son traded his late shift lifeguarding at the beach for an earlier shift so he could hang out with us and his girlfriend for the fireworks--totally fine. But...he offered to pay whoever took his shift $60 extra since it was a holiday (that's more than the shift itself pays, but what do I know...). DH gave him the $60 without making a plan for DS to pay it back. This makes me just livid. What is that teaching that kid??? Why should someone else finance his work decision?? I don't mind that he wanted to switch shifts, I mind that he paid someone that much extra to do it. When I asked DS about it he told me if dad doesn't care why do you? like he just got away with someone. When I asked DH about it he "hadn't had a chance to talk to him about it yet". Um...that is total BS--we are all home every night together. Finally last week DH had DS go get the money, but it was only because I was really adamant that he make DS pay it. And so of course I am the bad guy who made DS be responsible and DH is the cool dad who financed his fun 4th of July. Second thing--last week we discussed a bill that was due this week. I said I would pay it Friday (today) when DH got paid. And yet...DH went ahead and paid it on Wednesday without telling me which overdrew our account (it was a fairly sizable bill...that I was going to pay in full today). Why he couldn't have waited until Friday like we discussed is a mystery to me and now we have the $34 overdrawn fee. There was no late fee on the bill. Third thing--we are vegetarians (all of us) and yet I found receipts on DHs desk for Chinese food with chicken and beef. And it was not an order for more than one person--the amount was for a single person. It's not that I necessarily care, but it's yet another secretive thing. I was cleaning up crumpled papers and napkins from his desk which is in our master bedroom, so not snooping. I hate the sense of never knowing all the things that are going on around me. There is this whole other world that he lives in that I never know about. Fourth thing--DS was making his Facebook settings private and because I am not on Facebook, we have required his aunt to friend him so she can keep track of him. I reminded him of that and he tells me DH has a Facebook page. News to me. He had one years ago and told me he took it down, but apparently not. He told me he has not been on it in forever, which is probably true, but again I feel like an idiot for not knowing stuff that goes on around me.
Now, again--I realize reading over this that I sound like a small petty controlling person. The biggest battle in my head right now is that acceptance vs resignation. I read all the different stories here and I wonder how little some of us can get by on--how little attention, how little physical contact, how little interest, how little affection. In my experience, pretty little, but what a drag that is. I feel like I am withering up. Also the motivation piece--the idea that any and all motivation has to come ONLY from inside of myself, that there is no notice or support from DH. That is tough. Others on this forum have called me out on that, saying I should take care of myself for myself, improve myself for me, not DH which is 100% true. Wouldn't it be nice/easier/more friendly if your person helped/cheered you on/noticed even?? It is hard to keep two teenage boys on the straight and narrow AND myself. Maybe others are better at it than me, but I am terrible at making time for myself.
So that is my big rant. Don't necessarily know what I expect back, just had to get some stuff off my chest. Marriage counseling (what a joke) tomorrow. I am unlikely to even mention those 4 things because why? DH is likely to react one of two ways--defensive because "nobody's perfect" OR "I can't change it now anyway so what would you like me to do". So really what's the point? Is that acceptance or resignation?
I don't think you are petty or small.
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
I completely understand. I deal with secretive behavior all the time and I hate it. Sad thing is, I don't even care about the specific behavior like you... What I care about is the constant lies to hide it. I feel like I live in a situation that at any time will come unraveled from lies that I don't know about yet.
I hate lies. Even little ones at this point are too much for me. I am married to someone who can lie right to my face...and then lie about lying. Go on how he would never do that again etc... All lies. I feel like I am living in a house of cards built on sand and a windstorm is on the horizon.
Well thank you for the
Submitted by dvance on
Well thank you for the feedback. The ease with which the lies roll of their tongues just shocks me every time. My DH too lies about things that aren't even worth lying about. At any moment the phone could ring exposing some other untruth that would have to be dealt with either financially or emotionally--a credit card that was given to a friend, a car that was purchased without my knowledge--I mean, seriously. And also that feeling of what is it about me that you think you can treat me like that?? That I am not deserving of honesty or that I am so stupid I believe these outlandish things that come out.
Lies....
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I hear you about feeling that you are not deserving of honesty, or that you feel stupid when he lies to you.
I am not married, but I've been dating my ADHD boyfriend for almost a year. When we first started dating, he was brutally honest about things he did in the past, some of which I didn't need to know. A cocaine addiction in his 20's and smoking pot just to name a few. He said that he had smoked pot a few months before meeting me, but quit, because he felt he was smoking it too much, and it was costing him more money than he could afford to spend. I've never smoked it, and at my age probably never will. I have a 13 year old daughter, and I don't want her exposed to that. I know many people who think that pot is no big deal, but given his past cocaine addiction, I think he should stay away from it.
Back in April, I noticed a change between us. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I felt it. He was distant, and secretive. He had a lighter in his jacket (stopped smoking cigarettes 6 years ago), and had a little trial sized vial of cologne in his pocket too. I wasn't snooping, he took the lighter out to light a candle, and I saw him refill the cologne vial and put it in his jacket. I remembered what he told me earlier about how, in the past smoking pot on his lunch break at work, and spraying the cologne to cover it up.
I waited for him to say something, all the while wondering how to bring it up. I felt like a fool, like I wasn't worthy of the truth. The truth finally came out. He was on his way home from classes one night, he texted me that he was on his way home. It took him almost an hour to get here, and it should only take him 20-30 minutes with little to no traffic. What took him so long? He was smoking.
Things finally came to a head in the morning, when I didn't want to snuggle with him in bed. I wanted to ask him about the pot but didn't know how. He was pissed because I wasn't talking to him, and got ready for work in a hurry, saying that he was going to get out of my way. He was angry. Almost ready to leave, he said that he had been keeping something from me, felt bad about doing so.. It was my turn to be angry. I said, "You must think I'm stupid, that I'm not worthy of knowing the truth." I also asked how many other people knew he was smoking pot again, and he said no one. It was a lie of omission.
We have moved forward from there, but in the back of my mind, I wonder what else he has lied to me about. I love him dearly, but I am glad we haven't moved in together. I need to give it at least another year, take it slow. I need to think of myself and my daughter.