I started the spring project of landscaping a berm that is 200 sq ft. It had been left uncared for for years..... overgrown and mixing the grass around it with the crown vetch. I was making a perimeter and shoveling a foot into the margin to start this project. H wants to help. So he is kneeling down and picking out tiny pieces of dead sticks from the ground between the leaves. I commented about what I was doing and what I hoped to accomplish and that my back will start to hurt soon. I asked if he would do some of the heavy shoveling for a while. That was half an hour ago. He is still working on his 2" pile of tiny stubs (that I will eventually be digging up and tossing altogether). He can't see the big picture of a landscaped berm. He only sees the tiny sticks. I think this used to frustrate me. Before I knew about ADD/ADHD I was thinking he was stubborn and trying to get away with just doing what pleases him without working together with me. Now I understand. He is tacitly focused on the sticks and no words from me will get him to be able to see the big picture or the scope of the project. It is useless to involve him. I will do the project another day and try to not get into a fight with him. It is still frustrating but at least I wil not put my energy fruitlessly into working together
The big picture is too overwhelming for him
Submitted by jennalemone on 05/10/2023.
Challenge accepted
Submitted by ChronicalZest on
I'm not an expert, just another ADHD trying to understand the world, but we usually live in the moment and act on impulses following what gives us pleasure. It seems he is so into this task, admiring nature and feeling accomplishment for each stick removed that not doing that seems like not helping at all.
My guess would be to think of a way to get him feel more interesting to help with a shovel than remove sticks. This is tricky because each person is different. I love to do the heavy work because I feel my work is more meaningful, and the consequences are usually bigger, in the same way that cleaning a really dusty floor is so much better than cleaning the floor just because it's cleaning day. But I also get magnetized watering each individual plant instead of using the hose, just because nature is so beautiful! But there is no such thing better than a challenge that looks like it can be solved! If it's too easy, I don't care. If I can't see a way of solving it, I won't try. But if I believe it can be done, I'll hyperfocus for a full day if I need to!
Find what makes him kick that dopamine and use it to make it more engaging for him.
Just observing comments on this
Submitted by Giorgia on
Hi ChronicalZest,
I appreciate how you are sharing your view on solving the issue. Especially coming from someone with ADHD. Sometimes I wonder whether do I also have it. But if I do then my ex had it stronger.
What used to frustrate me was also something like explained above - I felt he is not able to see the bigger picture. I think what triggers me within your advise is that you are saying - get him feel more interested in something - I think this is constant struggle for us neurotypicals. We are tired of always trying to make the other do something. We expect that the adult person naturally will see the bigger picture. Because then it is a bit childish. But my ADHD side also gets what you mean. I have these moments too when I like to focus on something I like and I don't care what others think of it because I am enjoying myself very much focusing on that one thing.
I think at the end it comes to empathy and what is important also for the other person and for a greater good not only for me, for my own enjoyment and interest.
And that is probably also why the parent child dynamic offers itself in such situations, kids live in the moment and kids do what they enjoy. As adults we need to see further , we need to see that cooperating with my partner will bring us more together and that we can help out partner out and it will be appreciated. If person see only themselves and are not trying to read their partner and his needs and views and ideas then it is very one sided. And after a time this triggers anger and resentment.
So I think ADHD people should not relly on others to behave better themselves. Why to put so much burden on others to make everything interesting for you? My ADHD side is at least blaming myself for not taking enough interest in administration and things that should be done. At least I am not relying on my partner to make it interesting for me. There needs to be a line where we take responsibility for ourselves and if the behaviour is not very pro relationship then don't be surprised when your partner is unhappy.
Sorry nothing personal just venting here a bit :)
Have a nice day you all
G.
Landscaping
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I understand you completely. Loving gardening, I decided when we moved in that the garden was all my responsibility. It should provide recreation and wonder. You are so wise to decide this project is yours. I hope you will feel satisfaction when your hard work has made it beautiful. Wish I could have been there to admire your work!