Does anyone else ever get treated as though they are their ADD spouse's mother? Like friends and family commenting that "you should really make [hubby] eat better," "you should really tell [hubby] to lighten up," "it's really not good for [hubby] to leave his car such a mess, haven't you told him to clean his trash?" You get the idea; being held accountable for the actions of another adult, as though he is a child you should just be able to make "behave," as though you are not already aware of and distressed by all of these noted deficiencies. As though you have not TRIED, futilely, to improve these behaviors.
For context, these people even know hubby has ADD, is taking medication, is in therapy, etc. But as the wife I apparently have the untapped magic power to effect immediate change where all of these other things have failed to do so!
Yes. I've always found this
Submitted by redhead1017 on
Yes. I've always found this very odd. For instance, when my DH is saying something he thinks is funny in a group and it's mostly childish and inappropriate - people look at me and jokingly say "you gonna let him get away with that?" Why, yes, yes I am, because he's a GROWN ASS MAN and I am not his mother!
I just get blamed right along
Submitted by LyraHeartstrings on
I just get blamed right along with him! It's always how "we" did this or that or didn't. No, "we" did not -- HE DID/DIDN'T.
Here's one plum example. We just moved into a house (his parents directed this, I didn't want to) and are just setting up. His sister has a cleaning service, so does her mother and father. So I said hey maybe that would help a lot, we should contact one. We contact (well, *I* do, not him!) the one that my SIL uses and they send a woman over. Hubby is at work (father is his employer) and this woman basically goes around telling me how the house is a wreck, how she's not going to "organize" my kid's stuff and how I need to basically clean up before she gets there! Then we go into my daughter's room where my HUSBAND has left a wipes wrapper on her dresser (nevermind that there is a wastebasket 2 feet away!) and I grab it and say, "My husband left this here" and she says, I KID YOU NOT:
"NO. It's not your husband, it's YOU."
She. said. this. to. me.
Let me tell you, I was working 2 jobs AND watching my 2 and a half yr old at the same time (work from home online). No daycare, no nothing. You can see why I needed some help with the house, right? Well I didn't hire that woman but man, the STING of being blamed for him!!!
And hubby toddled off to work for his dad before anyone even considered whether I could handle working my 2 jobs (40 hrs and 30 hours) AND watching her at home. I did that for 6 months, working with her on my lap a lot of the time. Hubby never stood up to his father. We could not find a daycare (no spots - Quebec is insane). My MIL wanted me to put her in one of those "I'm running a daycare from my home" which is fine for some people but I was new to Canada, new to the area, didn't know anyone and didn't trust it so I refused. Then MIL says to me, "You have to let her go sometime." Yeah at TWO AND A HALF???? She still had a 38 yr old baby stuck to her and she was telling ME to separate from my 2 yr old????
Wait, are you saying the
Submitted by copingSAH on
Wait, are you saying the housekeeper said that to you or your SIL??
If it had been the housekeeper I would have terminated her services effective immediately. No one should treat you like that in your own home. Whether or not she knows of the ADHD scenario. Housekeeper is out of line with you. I've had perfect strangers come into my home and berate me on the condition of my home. I always wondered where they left their civility...
The housekeeper said it to me
Submitted by LyraHeartstrings on
The housekeeper said it to me. My sister in law actually used her service for a couple of YEARS after this happened even though I told her about it. The lady is Russian and SIL and her husband called them "The Russian Mob" when they would come to clean. They would make SIL so anxious that she'd clean up before they got there (and they didn't do the basement or anything, which is completely furnished.) I don't like my SIL but man, they put up with a lot of abuse from that cleaning company. I can't believe that woman had the balls to speak to me like that.
Not so much blamed for spouse
Submitted by copingSAH on
Not so much blamed for spouse's ADD behavior but I'm asked to accommodate my ADD spouse's behavior 1000%. Apparently 100% isn't enough and I'm not a good enough partner. When I do venture to "cry" for help, I get a slap on the wrist instead. I don't know if people are playing devil's advocate with me or it's yet another weird kind of gaslighting I'm already receiving from the ADD end!
Just today, I said something very straightforward to him and he tells me that's not what I said. I ended up repeating myself 10x before he just walked off. He couldn't understand that I said: I turned the basement light ON this morning AFTER he went to work. He kept saying NO you're wrong, he turned the light OFF last night before retiring. For crying out loud it's two separate things! It's like he insists on me talking with his words. If I even try to explain it to anyone, I'm usually told I should bite my tongue. I have bitten it raw for 20 years accommodating him :)
Another problem.
Submitted by Light on
Another reason why it's annoying for the criticisms to always be sent in my direction is that hubby doesn't get to learn what the issues are. Like, if I am the only one pointing out certain problem behaviors to him, it looks like I am just intolerant because, apparently, "no one else seems to have a problem with it." Because they are too shy/cowardly to say so directly, and would rather go through me exclusively.