So I know this is such a childish thing for me to do but I wanted to prove a point, and I think I have....
A month ago I was SO angry at my husband for various reasons that I cannot be bothered going over (all the usual cause of tension in our marriage) and I deleted him from Facebook and blocked him. Childish I know, but I was feeling so rejected that I had to find a way to reject him back. Well aren't I the fool? It has left me feeling even more rejected then before. As I said it has been a month or so now and not only has he not even noticed that I am completely gone from his page but that he is not even listed as being married to me anymore! He is on Facebook numerous times a day! THATS how little he thinks of me or notices me. I have to laugh. I wonder how long until he will notice :(
And yes I know it was childish, but I am sick of always being the adult sometimes
living separately?
Submitted by carathrace on
Halm, I noticed that you asked him to move out earlier this month. Is he living separately from you? If not, how did he respond to your request to move out?
No he hasn't
Submitted by halm on
Hi Carathrace, he won't move out - that requires effort. He tells me that I and the baby should move out to my parents and he stay in the family home because he has 'nowhere to go'. Basically he is just doing the inconsistency thing - says something - does another, says something completely different the very next day - does something else, then reverts back to what he said the day prior - then does something completely different; I think you get my drift? He does my head in - if he doesn't move out then I will HAVE to because I can't keep living with him whilst he is like this...
Mine did the same thing
Submitted by Sueann on
He said he had "nowhere to go" too. He really didn't, his mom sold the family home after we got married and moved into a mother-in-law suite in another brother's house. The idea of earning his own home didn't occur to him. I took the things that were personal to me, and a lot of what I had had in my own home before I married him. But he has the basics of life because I didn't/couldn't take them. He has the dog and the cat, washer, dryer, refrigerator, etc.
I moved in with my daughter and licked my wounds for a month of so. Then I did a month at a seasonal job I've had for 23 years (and he got fired from), got a real job, got a raise and furnished a new apartment for myself. It can be done, but it's too much effort for him. But he's always "too busy" to talk when I call, and has managed to lock himself out of his voicemail. How is he ever going to find a job if no one can leave him a message? He says he wants to work but definitely doesn't act like it.
This is very frustrating.
Submitted by barneyarff on
This is very frustrating. You are trying to get a rise out of your ADD hubby and he doesn't even notice. It's a little like drinking poison to harm your enemy if you get my meaning.
And how can it be that even when we do "Childish things" we still can't get them to notice. And why do we even expect any different after so many times we've experienced that it is almost impossible to get the ADDer's attention.
Tell me about it
Submitted by halm on
I can't even imagine not noticing something like this! Just shows how 'self-focused' he is :(
You're not the only one to get bitten in the behind . . .
Submitted by Caroline Fischer on
I too once did an extremely childish thing to try and see if he actually pays attention/cares and it also backfired on me as well and made me even more depressed. Once, while I was home alone I accidentally knocked over a lamp because my partner left it in a precarious place and I left it lying there because I was too annoyed and I didn't want to forget to address it with him. After a while I decided to run an errand and as I was leaving, I accidentally knocked over a stool (really light-weight) that gets knocked over quite a bit in our household. Before I went to pick it up, I had this bizarre idea to leave it along with the lamp and to also leave the mess I made in the bathroom (stuff pulled out of cabinets onto floor etc.) which is something I would never leave before going out. When I left, it looked like something serious could've happened. Maybe. It wasn't dramatic. But enough that you'd think someone who saw it might at least casually contact you to see if everything is ok. Well, the whole time I was gone, I got nothing. No phone calls. No texts. When I got back he was just sitting on the couch and only the lamp had been uprighted. This little "experiment" just ended up making me even more depressed. It's sort of the same with birthday's and anniversaries. Part of me always wanted to let them pass by without saying anything to see if he'd remember, but that always just ended up making me more depressed than if I had hounded him about it. Between a rock and a hard place, eh?? I feel ya.
I get you
Submitted by halm on
Yep I get you - even when it is staring them right in the face they don't see it. I was once lugging 20 litre jerry cans of water up onto the back of my ute (truck) with my husband there. It didn't even occur to him to ask me if I wanted help! He just watched me do it and they are damn heavy! If I had of questioned him about why he didn't offer his help he would have said (because he has said this so many times in the past) "If you didn't nag me so much then maybe I would want to help you". GAH!
This has really made me think
Submitted by barneyarff on
This has really made me think a lot the last couple of days, especially since I recently pulled a childish stunt. Generally I'm very careful about that stuff because just in case I do get a divorce, I want no embarrassing events brought up.
I've noticed that hubby just does not even notice much of anything nor does he understand that that something is significant. For instance, I emailed him a few months ago that he needed to take parenting classes (and therapy for himself) or move out. He had 1 month to comply. Well, he actually went past the month deadline but I gave him some grace since he did make the phone calls. Somehow I let myself get roped into going with him to parenting class. As usual for an ADDer he managed to double book himself and had to reschedule, and it was a rolling mess. I made it to the appt but he didn't. He called me after the session started to ask if we were going but didn't call the therapist nor just come over. I was furious. I had made it plain that this was a life or death situation for our relationship and he still manages to mess it up. And what does he say? "I'm sorry you are so upset about something so minor" I don't know about the rest of you but if you want to start a good fight in the professional world, a man telling a woman he is sorry she got her feelings hurt is hugely patronizing and can result in balls rolling down the hallway.
I'm just tired of his laziness disguising itself as ADD.
And now he has learned that hoarding is a learned and genetic problem so he tells me that I need to honor his hoarding genetics and let him use all the time he needs to decide whether to get rid of something or not. ARGH!!!!!!!!!
My children came up to me after he went to work and said that they had been talking and that they want to move out. They are tired of the mess too.
I have told my husband that the kids and I don't like the mess and he acts puzzled.
I've also told him about his behavior and explained that he needs to look at why he doesn't have any friends. I reminded him of several years ago he was asked to give a speech at a conference in my industry. We talked about whether he could do it or not and he assured me that he could. It took forever for him to write his speech. I listened to it (I speak professionally) and it was horrid. I tried to gently tell him but he got beligerant with me so I got him a coach. The coach finally came up to me and suggested that I tell him not to give the speech because it was really bad and he would not listen to her suggestions. He gave the speech anyway. I know I am supposed to support my husband but he humiliated me in front of my colleagues. It was not until this weekend when we had a horrid fight that he finally heard me when I used this event as an example of how he won't listen to people. He was stunned that I thought he had done a bad job. He could not believe that the coach had given up on him instead of just quitting. And what gets me is that I told him all this as it was happening but he thought he knew better.
A shorter and more recent example is that in my living room I try to keep it beautiful. We even have original artwork in there, etc. He decided to put a small TV on top of the big TV that suddenly stopped working. As he was doing that I said, "Please don't do that. It's straight out of a white trash sit com" He growled at me and told me it wasn't. Come on, a TV set on top of a nonworking TV set is the icon of white trash. So, for about a year I've had this in my living room along with the expensive art work. He won't budge. I am embarrassed. Why won't he just get rid of the nonworking TV? My ADHD 14 year old complained about it today and said he thought it was tacky.
Oh, I've had so much to think about since I did a stupid childish thing. I know I've rambled. I"m trying to put this together in my mind.
It does seem to me that if your partner put "life and death of our relationship" on terms like go to parenting class you would move heaven and earth to get there if you gave a damn. But maybe that's my problem. I give a damn and he doesn't.
Birthdays...bahwahahahah
Submitted by Shell10 on
Here is my story of my 30th birthday with Peter Pan. I Knew it would go unnoticed , so I through a small party for myself. Invited about 12 people. 3 hrs. Before the party, my friend calls me to tell me he has invited a ton more people behind my back to make it appear that He through the party for me! Keep in mind that he has purchased NO extra food to feed these people. No drinks, NO extra paper plates, plasticware etc. Yep all so he could look like the good guy.
Our stories....
Submitted by c ur self on
Many of our stories would be quiet comical, ;) if the reality wasn't so sad:(...When I look back and think about much of the dysfunction (like your story above) that I've incurred because of her behaviors...One thing jumps out at me....It happens because I think I can share (verbally communicate) with her...And, even if I know better (learned from the past) because of the relationship (marital in my case) I just inform her about my thinking or plans, thinking she is able to view life in some kind of normal way...(my own denial)....So after the self inflicted suffering hit's me (because I choose to share details or information she used against me, to make herself look better)...I usually end up asking myself this question....Will I ever learn to not share w/ someone who is an instant road block to a peaceful life??....
This post is a great reminder for me, (probably for many of us) to never be drug into someone else's chaos, because I gave unnecessary info. or over shared ....(Self centered and controlling spirits aren't very good at respect and acceptance) LOL....
The moral of this story for me is....Keep my peace by my quietness....The best form of communication for me and my wife is smiles ;) and hugs,(((( ))))....by a looooong shot....
Have a blessed day Michelle....
c
I don't want to be mean...but
Submitted by dazedandconfused on
I don't want to be mean...but really?
OK, I get that some of the ADHD spouses on here have additional issues that only compound the problems in marriage. But acting childish on Facebook, deliberately setting up scenarios to see if they notice, etc. is not the way to act. It doesn't do you any good, nor does it do your spouse any good. What does it matter if your spouse doesn't notice you took him off Facebook? You can only see your "family" connections if you actually look at your profile page. Many people don't do that...they never get off their FB feed. Him not noticing that you blocked him is not a measurement of anything. Nor is leaving a mess in the house to see if he starts to worry or if cleans it up. And the more stress you put on them to meet an expectation by a deadline (especially one with life changing consequences), the more they are going to rebel and/or screw up. Does it suck? Sure does.
Look, I know where you're coming from. I know the place when you would do ANYTHING to get their attention. I used to daydream about being in some kind of accident. I wondered if DH would show up frantic or would he be hours behind the response of my other family members. I often wondered too what his reaction would be if I was pregnant and in labor and he had to come to the hospital. Would he show up before the baby was born? Lol. I know the dread of seeing the days creep by until Christmas or a birthday or anniversary and wonder will he remember/have the money to get me something as a present? Or should I just buy something for myself from "him" and call it day (but end up depressed because it's not the same thing)?
A lot has changed since then. He's grown up. He's not on meds but he recognizes that he has a problem and that he has to master it in order to be successful in life and in marriage. It took him nearly five years to do this and my threat (and expected follow through) of a formal separation to get into counseling with me. The follow up to that moment was utterly horrible. There were many times that I thought I was losing my mind. There were many times when he was clearly in the wrong but he contrived to turn the blame from himself to me. It happens. Know that their minds just don't work the same way that ours do. They're not stupid. They're not lazy. They just don't work the same way we do. It has nothing to do with you or your relationship. It's all on them and whether or not they truly want a change for themselves...and whether or not you want to wait on them.
Regardless of whether or not your relationship survives, do yourself a favor and don't be childish and/or set yourself to be disappointed. You'll feel a whole lot better about yourself at the very least...and sometimes that's all we have.
Hindsight
Submitted by lynninny on
A little hindsight here, which can be taken with a grain of salt or not:-) These types of things will drive you nuts. It's like the "rom com" syndrome. You know, the movies where at the end the guy realizes how wonderful the woman is and that he can't live without her and he almost blew it and he runs through the train station/airport/streets/bullfight to find her to tell her. My spouse never did this. He never remembered birthdays or noticed lots of things. And I was hurt and mad all the time, each time he proved to me again that he was NOT THAT GUY (especially after being that guy during the hyper focus stage). Mine also had a host of other things going on unfortunately, but just this "noticing" issue?
That's the definition of ADHD. Not noticing. An attention deficit. Now or not now. Mine would frequently say, "I didn't KNOW!" And he didn't. It is only recently I became aware of how critical I was toward him, how hurtful it was for me to be mad at him all the time for not noticing things or not being the guy who would be aware that I had pulled into the driveway with 100 bags of groceries or that it was time for the kids to eat. It honestly may not mean he does not care. You just can't see it because his brain is not like yours at all. Later he said, "Why wouldn't you just ASK me to bring in the groceries?" My answer to myself was, I didn't want to have to ask every time. Every time. Every time:-) I can laugh now. But for it to work, I was either going to have to be ok with asking, or his ADHD was going to have to go away. And that wasn't going to happen.
There is a lot in here about the ADHD spouse getting treatment, and I do think it is the second half of this conversation. but this is my hindsight for the non spouse: I can say that to get hurt and angry at the same thing over and over is the definition of insanity and setting yourself up for sorrow. Been there, done that. I was so mad at mine for so long for not being what I wanted, for having ADHD symptoms that I thought meant he did not care, for not being that rom com guy. Decide what you can live with and what you can't, and go from there. Maybe he is the right person for you and maybe he isn't. I think getting upset when you already know what the answer is going to be is being a little codependent (I speak with humility and from experience). If this is going to work, then you both will have to work very hard, and your part is to stop being mad and criticizing everything. If you can't do that, then maybe accept that you can't? I admit I couldn't get over him not being able to take care of me at all when I had surgery, pretty much not being able to function. I need to be with someone different than that. I was not the right person for him, either. But it helped me a lot when I stopped being so mad. My best to you all.
great post
Submitted by carathrace on
Lynninny, one of the greatest, most sensible posts I have yet seen. I needed to read this today, and I wish everyone would. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
thanks
Submitted by lynninny on
Carathrace, I read everything you write on here and love your posts. Thanks.
Your post was extremely
Submitted by barneyarff on
Your post was extremely good. You seem to be in a really good space right now.
I wish I could talk to you person to person to ask you things. I guess that cannot happen.
But I will remember your post I hope because it was so wise.
support
Submitted by lynninny on
Thanks, barneyarff,
I have often wished there were a support group that could meet in person:-) There are so many great people on here going through the same things.
Best to you.
This is pretty darned
Submitted by barneyarff on
This is pretty darned good stuff that you wrote. I've read it many times and yes, cringed a bit in parts of it.
So, I'd like to ask some genuine questions here. I'm really not being snarky
1) "And the more stress you put on them to meet an expectation by a deadline (especially one with life changing consequences), the more they are going to rebel and/or screw up. Does it suck? Sure does. "
I thought the literature said that the "only" way an ADDer will complete a task is to have a hard deadline with lots of consequences for not completing it. Now you are saying they will rebel or screw up (Actually my experience is that you are right)
So, if I can't say "Can we agree that you will get counseling or leave in one month" without that being a deadline with consequences, what do I do? If I say nothing he will continue doing what he is (not) doing blithly tripping along and getting away with not taking care of business. He will be happy (well, not really but he will be relieved he doesn't have to face his stuff) but I will be miserable. I "can't" say it really hurts my feeling when you forget my birthday (for example)? Do I just pick up and leave? Is that the only thing I can do? I mean, I need to say to myself "This is how he is. Can I live with it or not?" and that is my only card to play? One year I "forgot" his birthday and he was furious. His excuse was that he just "forgot" and I was malicious. And be malicious is much worse. Of course, he says that a lot. I just want him to understand how bad it feels. Maybe it's OK that i retaliate, because "That's just how my brain works"
2) You say it's been 5 years of working hard. Well, I'm pretty impressed with you. I've been married 39 years now. I've waited a long time to see something happen. The irony is that NOW he is taking baby steps and I'm out of patience. About last Feb I realized I really did not love him anymore. I've seen him act more and more like HIS Father (who is a posterboy for Jerks around the World) and frankly at this point I'm not sure there is anything, even far out Hollywood type of things that he could do to make me interested in staying with him. I guess my question is after waiting for so long for your hubby to get a clue then waiting 5 years for change to take place, how did you do that??!!??
3) I understand that their brains are different. BUT at what point do they use us as a crutch to get things done that are too boring for them to do? How many times does an ADDer use ADD as an excuse? To me that is lazy. Please tell me where I am wrong here.
PLUS my brain is "different" too. When does he have to bend a bit so my brain gets what it needs? Here is the unfairness of all of this. The ADDer needs lots of time, understanding, help, forgiveness, encouragement, etc. But what about me and my needs? I need a space where there is no clutter so I don't feel anxious. I need bills paid (and there was a time it was very difficult for me to physicially write a check much less figure out how to pay bills) Why don't I get my brain needs met?
It seems as though it "always" is about the ADDer needs because of his poor brain. When do I get my needs met?
Ditto. My brain also is
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Ditto.
My brain also is "different." I worry about things. Shouldn't my husband accommodate my brain being wired for anxiety?
Yes. Really.
Submitted by Caroline Fischer on
I would find it hard to believe that you've never done anything you were ashamed/embarrassed of. We get that things we did weren't wise, but hey we're human/imperfect too! Or are only individuals with ADHD allowed that? It's not like we're acting this way on a day-in day-out basis. That would certainly be a problem. At least for me, what I did was a one time thing that I knew wasn't smart at the time I did it and I certainly understand that now. It was done out of frustration. I think you can probably understand that.
Will someone help me
Submitted by barneyarff on
Will someone help me understand something please?
After many years of putting up with undiagnosed ADD and hoarding issues, my husband has in the last 3 months actually gotten some councilling and is making an effort to parent in a consistant manner and get rid of things. It is very very slow but it is moving forward.
So, why now am I just absolutely ready to throw in the towel to the point of just renting something to get the hell out of here?
Parts of me is mad because, all I can think of is that he could take care of his problems if he wanted to and gotten help but he was willing to put my children and me through hell instead of facing what he needed to do.
I don't trust that if I decide to stay that he won't back off of getting better. (My experience is that unless I'm lighting a fire under him he won't do anything by himself)
Has anyone else gone through this. What did you do? Is there a point where it doesn't matter anymore what the ADDer does, the non is just done.
I could use some help. common sense says to stay, Every bone in my body is screaming GET ME THE HELL OUTTA HERE!!!!!
:( This could probably explain my depression/sadness....
Submitted by Keptheart on
Dear Sir It's clear that
Submitted by barneyarff on
Dear Sir
It's clear that your grief is still profound; I'm sorry for your loss. Taking care of a cancer patient is difficult. I had Ovarian cancer and almost died. My ADD husband was able to stay focused on me as long as I was in the hospital. and I know about all the pills, etc. Taking care of a cancer patient is difficult work with no guarantee of a good outcome as you know. That being said I'm impressed your wife lived 3 1/2 years with her cancer. Pancreatic cancer is viscious. It says a lot about how much work the 2 of you put into her welfare.
and I won't rag on you. You seem much too sad to have a bunch of angry non ADD spouses pounce on you. I would encourage you to see that you ARE able to focus. Look how you took care of your wife. That's hero material, there. Go get all the help you can find to be able to function easily from here on out. You are young (only 45) why be miserable one minute longer when meds, coaches, etc are available to you. It's time for you to be a hero to yourself.
I can't imagine anyone would attack you too much if you are making efforts to control the ADD. For me at least, it's been my husband's arrogant incompetence and denial that really annoyed me. And letting my children and me be miserable rather than find a way to control his symptoms. THAT is NOT hero material, in my opinion. That is coward material. And now after 39 years and a threat to kick him out, NOW he does a little bit about it. I hope you see the difference. it's not the "disease" it's the denial and avoidance to fix the problem that is the problem. at least it is for me.
Take good care of yourself. Read stuff, exercise, etc. You can come out of this with some help and effort. To be honest there are a lot of things that are appealing about an ADDer. the energy, the silliness, the adventure loving, the smarts. All of that is appealing. Keep that part. Just learn how to smooth out the other parts.
Thanks for the grace! :)
Submitted by Keptheart on