I have been reading the book The ADHD effect on Marriage and it assumes one partner is not ADHD. What are the specific challenges of both partners being ADD? I can see my husband and I in both of the roles but in different areas. I am very unorganized and can't seem to be organized while he is extremely organized. I don't have a need to escape or have problems with time but he does. I have felt the sting of being seemingly ignored and wanting to be cherished and accepted. He has also felt that he isn't accepted. Clutter distracts him. Noise distracts me. I have no problem with some clutter and often have a hard time finding homes for things. Any advice for when you both have it? We have been picking at each others weaknesses for twenty years and are on the brink of divorce. I didn't see that we both struggle with the same thing just in different ways till reading this book. I didn't know I even had ADD until recently. He has only known about six years. Thank you for any advice.
Both partners have ADD
Submitted by Sunic on 02/03/2016.
starting the fight
Submitted by life was fine b... on
wow not alone it seems evory article is one partner is efected now my wife just got a diagnosis we anoy the hell out of each other her mess my mess i like order she cant finish anything its one big mess and divorce round the corner itwasent always so but now we need to find a solution a way to comunicate and evolve back to being on the same page im att a loss and feel like i only work sleep and follow her orders to avoid conflict but i know she loves and needs me i feel with you your not alone :) ive writen a letter to her so she cant stop me talking and hope she wreits back maybee this way we can comunicate without argument and can understand without the constant discusson about the meaning of evory sentance and i think when we wreit we think more about how we say thing i hope this helps :)
ADHD with ADD... and then there are the kids!
Submitted by adhd mama on
We aren’t alone out here!
I just found this website and I will admit, with my ADHD hyper focus, I have been browsing through the boards. Many things where enlightening, how I struggle with communications and when I mess up, how my husband feels; how painful it is when he withdraws from me. It has given lots of questions to start working with my husband to get out of feeling stuck.
2.5 years ago my daughter (age 6 then) was diagnosed with ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). Reading about ADHD I kept seeing things that I did as a kid, or still do as an adult, or a coping-mechanism I use to compensate; this led me to be diagnosed ADHD from my Dr. and Counselor.
A few months later I was having a verbal spat with my husband over details in that week and I said, “This is the 4th time this week I have reminded you!” (I was working at trying to delegate tasks instead of taking everything on myself in ADHD buzzed furry that leads to physical collapse.) The thought popped in my head, “maybe he really doesn’t remember, maybe he does forget or doesn’t even hear the requests I make, wait that could be ADD!” I handed him a diagnoses sheet I had from my counselor and asked him to see if it painted a picture of how he sees the world/ what he struggles with. He agreed and was diagnosed with his counselor that he had been seeing for depression.
Now we look back at our worst year(s) together, when but for the grace of God and true grit stubbornness did we stay together; we now know why 2008 sucked for us. (and we were ok (not great) from the recession pressures that plagued many marriages) We have since moved on, and moved states and make homeschool life with 3 littles and my 18-year-old step-daughter who is in college work. We accept that our house will always be louder than most, I can only let my “clutter-piles” be so many and so big or Husband can’t function, and until I figure out a routine and put the kids on it there will always be crumbs and papers littering our van.
We now understand why 9-5 work patterns suck our living soul down the drain and so we are back to school to build careers better for ADHD; hoping that will eventually be our own business.
I’m still reading through everything I can get my hands on about ADHD because I know there is a lot that I miss in communication, and want to figure out where my executive functions are weak so I can help more and more build my family into a strong unit, and help all my children have a great grasp on their ADHD. One daughter (9) is inattentive ADD like father, the middle girl (8) I mentioned has ADHD/SPD, and our son is a rambunctious, clever 5-year-old who can end up seeming inattentive in moments (I won’t seek any diagnosis until 7 or 8 unless we see medication is needed.)
At this time out ADHD/SPD girl is the only one taking medications, I would like to start trying but worry about cost and insurance. I would hate to have something that helps so much be lost due to cost. I come from a naturalistic family who doesn’t like medications, but after 2 years of trying everything from diet, to exercise, to meditation, essential oils, supplements. Everything takes the edge off but doesn’t bring true focus. We made the tough decision to try Meds and it has been night and day. What is still left that distracts her are always a sensory processing need and that gives direction to what to give her to help.
I have read so much desperation in the last several days that breaks my heart. I want to stick up for the ADHDer, but I know my case is unique due to what my counselor calls “Good-ism”, kind of like perfectionist, but the bar is dropped a bit lower and the motive is interpersonal. I am an ADHDer who is struggling so much to be better, to manage my symptoms, to even understand what the symptoms even are! To remember the laundry, to always make money decisions within the pre-planned budget, to make peace with the fact that dishes are a constant evil. To stretch and let/help my Husband build strong relationships with the kids now that he is conquering back the debilitating depression he faced.
I can see how on tough days when all I have done is create a chaotic mess of life that I just want to crawl into a ball and never be seen again, stop trying, stop “helping” since it just makes more work. Stop talking because it just agitates those I love (especially when I hyper focus on our problems because I want to “fix” them and make them “good” again.) I can see how many ADHD adults could be jaded and demoralized with “trying”. And I know how Hyperactivity and/or being Distraction can drive the non-ADHD through the roof!
We started rebuilding from at the divorce line the night by husband just said that he cared about me and our girls. That he really truly cared. Now knowing ADHD and ADD where our real enemy during that time it makes perfect sense to me that I just needed to hear that one sentence from him to calm all my anxiety and stop antagonizing him. The turning point in our ADHD impacted relationships really can turn on a time when the "aha" moments happen!
A big “Hello!” to everyone on this forum. I understand the ADHD struggles from both sides of the spouse and in parent child relation. My marriage isn’t marvelous like Melissa Orlove says of her ADHD impacted marriage, but I know we are solid and will keep unwinding the tangles ADHD/ADD/SPD throws in our lives.