Hello, I have been dating a wonderful man for 4 months now. In those four months our relationship has completely spiraled out of control. Some of it I feel is me not understanding his ADHD. Him not communicating, and possibly the fact that he feels like he is an alcoholic. THere is no talking to him. He shuts down immediately when I try to quietly communicate my views. As I read more into ADHD I am seeing things that trigger his shut downs, but I did not know it would be something I need to research before starting a relationship. I do want to be with him and work things out but I feel that his mood swings and his anger towards me belittles me. Some of his comments are extremely rude and I am not sure if it is him or just the ADHD. He constantly tells me we were a mistake and that he doesn't want to be with me. He has left me because he couldn't "stand to be around me" anymore because I was having a down day. I don't feel like the only person in his life, he constantly talks about his ex when he drinks and makes me feel like I don't amount up to her even though I do everything I can to make him happy. I try to talk myself down when he starts his mood swings and try to leave him alone (as he has asked me to do) but then he gets mad because I am not paying him any attention. At this moment our relationship is so strained I don't even know where to go. I would like to get as much information as I can to continue to try and help him work through this because I am not ready to give up. I just don't know where to go from here. Any help or direction would be greatly appreciated.
~Lost and confused.
Take this for what it's
Submitted by HurtButHopeful on
Take this for what it's worth...I mean I am a stranger and I am also NOT a person who easily or ever really leaves a relationship, despite better judgment.
That being said...you are only 4 months in. 4 months!!! That should still be the happy-go-lucky honeymoon stage or hyperfocus (if ADHD). Yet, you already feel things spiraling out of control. He already "constantly" tells you you two are a mistake and leaves you when you are feeling down for a day. Not to mention he apparently has ADHD and is an alcoholic with anger management issues and no communication skills.
I get it. You have some love for this man. You say he is "wonderful". I'm sure he DOES have some good qualities. Just from reading your brief paragraph, it sounds (not an expert) like there are several issues at play here with him. I have been in a relationship like this before (minus the alcohol)...I stayed and stayed and never wanted to give up...
You want to help him "work through this". Admirable. I am the same type of person. But does he even acknowledge the ADHD or his drinking? Is he getting help for either? If he isn't doing anything or doesn't see the need to, then that's a huge red flag. This relationship, nor ANY relationship cannot succeed unless both people are on board for a common goal...working together.
Again...I know how hard it is to leave someone you want to help or feel for...I am not a leaver...and every man has always left me. But I know, looking back, that I shouldn't have put up with things I did for as long as I did. If he's willing to work with you...great! If not...think long and hard about getting out now while you are only 4 months in before a few years pass and you are even deeper in confusion and despair.
I agree. I have done the
Submitted by lostinlove on
I agree. I have done the abusive relationship before. Took me two days to move out.
He is wonderful when he is happy but as I have been reading it seems that the ADHD triggers a lot of "meaner tendencies" I guess. He is taking Adderrall but I was reading another post and they were talking about the Adderrall not working and possibly trying another medication. The problem is it is difficult to be able to communicate to him. I know he wants to do better but I feel that issues in his past has made him not want to trust anyone. He tells me all the time that I am his best friend but then the switch flips.
I know no one is "medically qualified" to say yes or no but I guess what I am asking is are these symptoms more related to the ADHD and should we seek more help (support groups, therapist) to keep it going if it's what we both want.
Or should I RUN?
At this specific moment it is going to be either we work it out or we don't (in which it wasn't meant to be if we don't). But again the mean hurtful things he says, is it something that needs to be communicated in a different way with someone else's more qualified help?
Lostinlove, I have had very
Submitted by jade21 on
Lostinlove, I have had very similar issues with my husband. Do you know how long he has been on the Adderall? I can tell you Adderall made my husband severely depressed and angry at the world. They list increased depression as one of the side effects. It causes one to hyper focus on things to decrease their forgetfulness. This caused my husband to hyper focus on his problems and underlying depression. To me this sounds like what your boyfriend is doing. He appears to be dwelling in the fact his past relationship failed. He is likely feeling that he was the cause of the failure. He wasn't man enough to take care of her due to his ADD and issues. So he is self-medicating with alcohol. He also sounds anxious like my husband. This is causing him to avoid all conversations dealing with his issues. He doesn't want to face them. The alcohol helps him feel numb. This was my husband. My suggestion to you is if he doesn't want to communicate and work together now, leave the relationship. I have been through hell and back to save our relationship. If I only had four months invested, I would have clearly walked away. However, we have a child together and I want to preserve our family for our son if I can. If he is willing to work at it, give it a chance. But know it is not going to be easy. You also have to make sure to take care of yourself during this time. Don't let his issues drag you down and cause you to be depressed. You need to take care of you. If you don't, it will be even harder to leave if you have to. Good luck to you. I hope you find the answers you need soon.
Thank you very much for the
Submitted by lostinlove on
Thank you very much for the kinds words. It means a lot to hear I am not the only one. I agree if he wants it to work and put the effort than I definitely need to understand it will be a bumpy ride.
Stimulants plus
Submitted by sunlight on
Firstly, for some people Ritalin causes anger, for some it doesn't. Ditto Adderall. If someone tries Ritalin and it makes them angry and/or 'speedy' they could suggest to their dr that they try Adderall, and vice versa. The response to stimulants (presupposing ADHD is correctly diagnosed) is genetically determined and a psychiatrist will often adjust doses/druges until the right ones are found (including non-stimulants). This can take a few months to get right.
Second, it is fairly often the case that stimulants (like Ritalin or Adderall) are combined with other drugs such as mood levellers, antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds etc. If the psychiatrist doesn't get accurate feedback then they can't know what to do. Since ADHDers may have inaccurate perceptions, it can be an issue to get the feedback to the psych, but a psychiatrist should know that and should be able to figure it out. There is no need for a person to have uncontrolled anger while on a stimulant. Either the drug is wrong for them or it needs to be combined with another. Also alcohol plus stimulant is not a good mix - the psychaitrist needs to be aware of that too. (Also a psychiatrist who specializes in Adult ADHD will be much better placed to deal with these issues than a general doctor or a psych who deals with childhood ADHD, getting the right psych can make a world of difference).
Update?
Submitted by noel2014 on
I'm late to this (found it on a google search, an ADHD relationship partner's best friend at times!), so I'm curious to see how things have progressed (or ended) a few months later.
I can completely relate to your rocky beginning with your man. I actually did stick with mine, so we're further along now--2 1/2 years & living together--but not married & definitely not with as much experience as many of the posters! I totally respect and commend all of you for PATIENCE--and really, you must all be commended on your incredible ability to love. No one signs up to love someone with ADHD. I sometimes feel it's the people most capable of being loving that end up being partnered with ADHDers.
The biggest thing I can say to you is that NONE of it is personal, and that is the hardest part to accept--because it all seems really personal!! Especially when he brings up an ex, ummm--with most people, this would be inappropriate--but he probably goes on and on about her as if it's no big deal, as if he's not talking to his new girlfriend right now!
My ADHD guy lives in his own world, basically, and it has been very hard for him to be empathetic towards others (those he is closest to, especially). If you're still with your man, you will come to realize that he's been dealing with his failure to create lasting relationships (largely due to his lack of empathy, inability to perceive how he comes off) for A LONG TIME. Much longer than you've known him. That's why it's best not to take it personal. I can 100% bet with his last ex he talked about his prior ex...this is all probably a very obvious pattern, at least with my guy it has been.
Most of the time, I don't take his little outbursts, or bad moods personally. Of course this is impossible (and why I'm still google searching for friends who can understand, years into the relationship) to do all of the time, since you are such a part of this guy's life. And you don't want to walk around all day and all night feeling like you don't exist, you aren't important, or that you'll never get the love you want from your man.
Once I really discover how his brain works/patterns, I am better prepared for them. With my guy, if we have a really "close" time together--usually involving our families--vacations, maybe, or just intimate time--he will spend a few days after brooding over the fact that he's in a relationship with me. It totally sounds backwards, but the closeness freaks him out & that's his way of gaining space. I would much prefer it if we just spent more time away from each other & did our own things those days, but instead--he takes it out on me.
When my guy has issues with work (which is almost all the time, has gone through half a dozen jobs in a few years), he sees himself as a huge failure (again!). So things outside of your relationship may also seep into it--again, it's not personal!
The easiest thing for my guy to do is numb the pain from all this perceived failure. He does this with weed or alcohol--not lots of it, but on a regular basis. He was medicated as a kid & he still has lots of bad feelings around it and ADHD. So right now, no ADHD meds...instead, numbing any emotions.
All this makes my relationship (and all ADHD relationships) sound horrible, which we know are not completely bad--otherwise, just like you--I would've left! For the most part, he is cheerful & fun when we're out doing something we love, hanging out with friends, etc.
Anytime he is angry towards me, he is bad at apologizing--but makes it known that he does want us together in the future by talking about future plans. Last night, he was angry for what seemed like no reason--but this morning it's "let's go to Europe" because he could tell he upset me.
It all comes off seeming very immature, but there's a decent heart under all of it.
So, the best thing to come out of the bad times is that it's really taught me how to NOT be dependent on one relationship to fill all your needs. Build your friendships, stay occupied in your work, etc--don't get so down about this stuff that you feel like you lost yourself--because that can definitely happen.
Thanks for all of you on this board for making me feel a little less alone in all of this!
--Noel