Breaking through Wife's criticism filter

Update: some comments she

Submitted by JohnWilson on Fri, 07/22/2016 - 21:25

Update: some comments she made during tonight's interaction over dinner:

F*** you and your entire life.

You're the single reason for my misery.

You're a fat, lazy, selfish, lying pig.

I get sick at the sight of you.

You have been drowning me and my happiness for the last 5 years.

If you want to know how you can fix this, then I'm telling you to get out of my sight.

You don't care if I live or die, I can see that.

Nothing you do will fix this, because it's clear that you don't care.

If only I would keel over and die tonight - then the police would blame it on you and send you to jail, you f*****.

You don't listen to me, you never have, and you never will.

I refuse to babysit someone as stupid as you. I am not your f****** mother.

Get the f*** out of my sight before I hit you again.

My life will be ruined forever because of you. It's already too late.

Apparently I am to respond to these comments with caring and empathy, but without asking her to stop being this way. Advice please?

This isn't just ADHD....do you realize that?

Submitted by overwhelmedwife on Fri, 07/29/2016 - 03:36

What you've mostly described is not just ADHD. It's likely ALSO a personality disorder.

While your "dumb it down" comment was REALLY BAD, and was going to generate a reaction from lots of people, the rest of the stuff just loudly suggests that your wife has a personality disorder. Maybe Borderline PD? She seems to dysregulate....and BPD is a dysregulation disorder. Meaning that she has trouble regulating her emotions and responses.

I may have said it elsewhere

Submitted by JohnWilson on Fri, 07/29/2016 - 08:31

I may have said it elsewhere in this thread, but that'd be totally off-limits. She's mentioned many times that lots of people just want to get slapped with a label (like ADHD, BPD, autism) so they can get a break over hard-working people like her. Obviously there are clear-cut cases where people need medical help, but she says there are tons of regular people who are just weak. I could never in a million years see her going to a counselor or psychiatrist. Even if this marriage gets patched up to "good" or "great" one day, that's just not the kind of discussion I could ever try to have with her.

Sounds like my relationship

Submitted by Xayla on Fri, 07/22/2016 - 21:26

Sounds like my relationship except I have ADHD and react this way to my husband who doesn't. All the of the things above are pretty typical signs of rejection sensitive dysphoria which often times accompanies ADHD.

I unfortunately can't give you any advice really. You could be saying things in ways you don't realize and she could be involuntarily sensitive to the way you're saying things even if you don't mean them negatively.

> rejection sensitive

Submitted by JohnWilson on Fri, 07/22/2016 - 21:35

> rejection sensitive dysphoria

Thanks for replying. Anway I'm told that "labels" like this are psychobabble-c**p for weaklings who don't want to own up to their mistakes. Better to be handed a nice little label and a bottle of pills. That's what's wrong with America these days. This is something I cannot contradict because I'm clearly a walking example.

Other thoughts anybody?

If your wife really said

Submitted by PoisonIvy on Fri, 07/22/2016 - 21:46

If your wife really said these things to you, she is verbally abusive and I think you should strongly consider ending the marriage.

Sorry but that'd be extremely

Submitted by JohnWilson on Fri, 07/22/2016 - 21:55

Sorry but that'd be extremely difficult. Family members are either far away or estranged, friends have moved to other states, state of finances is delicate. I'm told it's completely unacceptable to walk out on this house/mortgage or to let it fall behind, because I'm the one who caused this, and this would just be a suprme example of my f*****g up. Her credit rating must not suffer because I have chosen this path.

However, I'm uncertain about my ability to afford both a mortgage and an apartment. I have no other people on whose finances I can draw. Sleeping on a friend's couch will not legally get us any closer to req 12-mth separation period required to have a true divorce. Thoughts please.

I know very well how

Submitted by PoisonIvy on Fri, 07/22/2016 - 21:57

I know very well how difficult divorce can be when finances are an issue. But I also think it's important to not underestimate the negative effects of abuse. I think you should call a domestic abuse organization.

Don't think I can, because It

Submitted by JohnWilson on Fri, 07/22/2016 - 22:01

Don't think I can, because It really seems to be all my fault. If I acted properly we'd be fine. Any talk about "you have the right to be angry, but not to punch me" is off-limits, because it's not about her. Also, I just know she can't take being put thru the wringer with all the social/friend-network embarrassment that would be attached to such a thing.

Also, talk here is that I am

Submitted by JohnWilson on Fri, 07/22/2016 - 21:57

Also, talk here is that I am the abusive one, not her. I am a serial abuser and I love it, apparently. She says she tries so hard every minute of every day to please everybody and this is what she gets.

I Think You've Hit On Something...Xayla

Submitted by kellyj on Sun, 07/24/2016 - 11:20

I'm chiming in to what John is saying as well. How refreshing....3 people here with ADHD all at one time! lol

In Melissa's couples course....she addressed this and gave a good example (the exact one I don't remember) but it had to do with nagging. As she recalled herself. Her husband was reacting to something that she was doing but in the moment....didn't consider what she was saying as nagging. It was just a knew jerk kind of off the cuff thing she was saying to him out of habit (If I recall?) that was coming through loud and clear to her husband as nagging since it really was. Without intention on her part....and without realizing this was what she was doing....it was finally brought to her attention in a way that made sense and she had a light bulb moment and realized.."gee...I guess your right? I guess that really was nagging after all but I just wasn't seeing it from that perspective."

I really don't think this has as much to do with ADHD specifically and more to do with rejection and a persons perceptions based on how well you process emotions. That...and just direct exposure to rejection long enough in that the sensitivity finally dissipates from going head on into it and just grinning and bearing it long enough to build up some immunity and resistance to it. In other words....your strengthening yourself to overcome your sensitivity by exercising and practicing what your worst at doing instead of seeing it as an attack and being hurt by someone else?

Think of it in terms of going to the gym and lifting weights by choice....or having weights thrust on you and forced to do what you don't want to do ...;since this is what makes you uncomfortable. The perception of the same pain will change from a negative to a positive by simply changing your perception and relationship with the same pain.

Again....thinking in terms of someone who's MO is to avoid things that are not comfortable or "hard" and hurt...and only do things that "feel good" or that "don't feel bad"? In my thinking about this...if you are disconnected to your body and experience body dysphoria....you are going to think that your emotions are feelings and feelings are emotions and not no which is which? Connection to your body is so important. Knowing what your body is doing independently from what you think or your emotions and being body aware...as well as "emotionally aware" are two separate things as I'm thinking about this. Having control of your body through your mind is essential in order to be able to do this. If there is disconnect between your ability to do this....then what your body feels is what your mind and emotions will think as well.

Thinking here...do guns kill people or do people kill people? Actually....it's the bullet fired from the gun that enters the body is what kills people whether by intention or not? It's the bullet fired from a gun that does the hurting speaking in those terms?

So if this is true (how can you argue this?)....then when bullets are fired from some ones mouth and a person thinks it's the person not the bullet.....I can see where the problem lies here if a person has no concept of the bullet being separate from the gun? This of course works both ways as you being the gun...or the other persons bullet hitting you and hurting you. And guns accidently do go off sometimes without thinking in these terms. If a gun goes off by accident and shoots another person dead....the person is still dead and it doesn't matter why the gun went off to the dead person?

In this case....making yourself more immune to bullets from being shot over and over ( like doing weight training in the gym) with the idea of working your rejection muscles and strengthening them in the same way to desensitize yourself and reinforce your body/emotions going at it from this direction. You never get use to the pain itself....but the experience and how you see it becomes familiar and easily processed and resolved and is quickly dismissed as not "bad" by working this through enough times that you just get use to it and the intensity of the hurt or pain is not so overwhelming is diminishes over time with practice. (like going to the gym in the same way?)

My wife has a habit of phrasing things which has always bugged me a little. It never was that big a deal but eventually....it began to become annoying. And then after this going on for years now....it finally started registering as hurtful and it took only a short time after that to realize what she was doing which was completely disrespectful and manipulative on her part.

How she's always start by asking me to do anything was..."it would be good, if you do XXXXX" Said in a very matter of fact and non aggressive way. I finally realized that this was judgment language and hidden inside this very innocuous sounding phrase was shame and guilt.

When I finally realized this....I also realized that these shame bullets were designed to try and use shame as a coercive tactic to get me to do something she wanted from me. The thing she wanted was never the problem. Shooting shame bullets at me made me furious!!! This pissed me off in way that I can't even begin to tell you how mad I was at her for this. Fighting fire with fire and doing it better than she was doing it which was straight up and honest I went right to the heart and put the bullet right back to the source.

I started saying..."God Damn it....quit shaming me and judging my performance!!!" And she was totally bewildered and taken aback since she had no idea what she I was talking about since she had no idea why this bugged me. I new she new ...she had no idea what I was talking about...but I also new the worst thing you could do to her is try and shame her into something and use guilt on her in order to do the same thing she was doing.

And in my case....I was so immune to this already....I just tolerated it because it really didn't bug me all that much and I easily let it go all this time. But I allowed it in the first place since I didn't immediately recognize what she was doing before. But for her...it was a consistent pattern that I began to recognize in how she spoke to me and that in itself shows a complete disrespect to me and is completely unacceptable.

So when I hit her in face (so to speak) and put this right back on her (since what she was doing was projecting )...I took that projection bullet and shoved it right down her throat in other words and hit that nerve 'hard" by accusing her of shaming me.....the worst thing you could to do her if it had been coming from the my direction if I had done the same thing with her.

I can tell you...this shut her down in a hurry and left her no where to go but to stop and think about this without over reacting on my part...other than to tell her why I was angry and put it in a way that she could understand herself. She barely said a word to me for two days after that in fear she would do this again once she realized what a habit this was that she had no idea of how this was coming across to me. Once she realized this....I didn't need to say anything else for it to begin to percolate and have to consider another alternative.

I actually said to her..."you don't like to be shamed into doing something do you?" Of course....the answer was no. And I said..."well neither do I....good...we both agree. We both stop shaming and it's a done deal. I won't shame you if you won't shame me...but if want anything from me in the furture and try this again...I'm going to ignore you instead of shaming you back like a child and not do anything you request from me period. I won't even say a word....I will just ignore your request as if you never said it. Heads up warning....not another word said here."

And that's exactly what I've started doing. As soon as she realized what she was doing was underhanded....it made it difficult to deny it once I brought her to realize this. She's attempted to do it again because in reality....she got nothing if she can't do this and is dead in the water if she can't use the only way she knows how to communicate what she wants and needs from me other than to do it this way. I no longer feel hurt or rejected....but angry for the disrespect and hypocrisy in her method that I made clear that I saw.

Anger is the right emotion...when someone disrespects you. Just because they don't realize this is what they're doing...doesn't make you any less dead using my gun accident example as a metaphor here?

PS..And by the way...this thing my wife says..."It would be good if you......." I told her..."don't come to me with anything and say "IT". That is soooooo dishonest!!! Figure out what "IT" is next time...before you ask me to do anything or I will refuse you every time." I know exactly what your doing....as I hear you say..."it would be good....".....which is without saying it...."it will be bad for me if you don't do it and you will be bad if you don't. Fuck YOU!! Sorry...that doesn't work for me." And left it right there. This is one time where cursing left the exact impact I wanted since I was hitting the bulls eye "hard"...as a wake up call this time I wanted her to remember.....which she did and has changed dramatically by doing it right...instead of doing it wrong. You may disagree with this as the right method. But what I found is....finding the magic bullet and hitting the bulls eye with everything you got just once and not keep doing it....drives that point home ( to the core ...HARD ) so well you don't have to keep doing it again. I really believe someone who is in a severe state of denial...doesn't need ultimatums as much since they are really not effective....but more of having a cold bucket of water thrown on their head to snap them out of it long enough to see. (possibly a few follow ups if necessary ) using the same magic bullet consistently each time with the expectation that repeat lessons will be needed in order to learn anything new. This isn't done in revenge...it's done to save your relationship going in a positive direction with that kind of force behind it that is made clear at the time this is exactly what and why you are doing it all at the time time. As I see it....it's "shock and awe" for a good purpose and that's to learn something positive for everyone from this kind of learning experience if done well?

Another example:

Submitted by JohnWilson on Fri, 07/22/2016 - 21:46

Another example:

Watching her favorite TV show with her, then commenting on it later, like: "I thought that was great... I liked it a lot... what did you think about... I thought this character was... when will it be on next...?" means I'm stealing the things she loves away from her and that it's great when things belong to me and not her. Apparently being supportive and trying to connect means "stealing" and "oppression", whatever that is.

I wish my husband did that. =

Submitted by Xayla on Fri, 07/22/2016 - 22:50

I wish my husband did that. =[

what would you say actually ARE your shortcomings?

not what she says are. What do you think are?

What I really would like here

Submitted by JohnWilson on Fri, 07/29/2016 - 09:32

What I really would like here, at its most basic: what kind of words can I use to show empathy? How can I phrase them? Who can post concrete examples here? She says I take no responsibility and show no empathy, and my attempts just stoke her anger. All I'm trying to do is avoid what seem to be the three big triggers.

Telling her how she feels or thinks. You must be exhausted after that fight. — I can see why you think I don't care at all. — You and I both know that that was the wrong thing to do.

Stating the obvious. I know you have a lot to catch up on after we argued all afternoon. — That was the same thing you told me not to do last week. — It must be so frustrating for you to be let down like that.

Leaping to suggestions or being bossy. Maybe it'd make us feel better if we had a hug. — Let me make it up to you by cleaning the kitchen, and you can go chill out however you want to. — Maybe doing XYZ would help you deal with your stress. — This time-management book has a technique in it that I like, I wonder if it might help you too.

starting very small

Submitted by dancermom on Sat, 07/30/2016 - 00:02

sheesh - I feel like walking around on tiptoes just reading this stuff. Tiptoes on eggshells. She sounds very very angry. I have also been very very angry, so much being put down and ignored, and left to run everything without acknowledgment.. etc... we've all heard how this goes. Becoming a reactive bitch feels terrible.

I can't excuse some of her words, though. For some of those things, if said to me, I would duck my head and slowly walk away - knowing that this is not the whole solution.

Ok. Sounds like you have your three priorities and you are trying to demonstrate progress on them in a way she will notice. But what you find is that you try and then you "say it wrong" so you are asking for exact phrases or actions that would be better. So, your own instincts about how you come across don't guide you well - is this just with her (relationship volatility/power struggles/bias/denial/projection) or is this part of your ADHD journey and you kind of blow it with others, too? Honest question.

I appreciate you are trying. Wish my own husband would even admit there is a problem. He lives in his own world, preoccupied, superior, and he feels everything is fine.

My first thought is to keep your empathy attempts very very simple. If you think you have unintentionally struck a nerve - you could try being humble, slow and quiet... checking, asking, and apologizing. But using very few words. Her years of resentment won't evaporate overnight from a few earnest techniques. I would use shorter phrases and go slower.

And my suggestion is that all advice and suggestions are off the table. So don't show her your worksheets! She seems very reactive to any suggestion that you know better.

The other think that strikes me about your series of posts - maybe just your writing style, but you seem very detached - you recount the horrific things - and you seem to be calm as you describe your attempt to systematically figure out the exact wording or action to prove you are not as bad as she feels. Maybe I just misread some kind of depressed or stoic place you are at.. but it feels detached. And that also reminds me of my husband. He has some autistic-like aspects, though very mild. He can be completely mystified about how gruff or offensive he has unintentionally been. In our social circles, people routinely come up to me and ask if they have done something to offend him because of how he has acted toward them. I tell them, "no, he just lives in his own world and he didn't even see you when he ignored you." Are you actually able to relate and empathize with her on a feeling level at all or do you just feel she is completely different to you?

YES!!!! Dancermom

Submitted by Zapp10 on Sat, 07/30/2016 - 10:43

You have put into words the very thing that has left me at wit's end!!

" Maybe I just misread some kind of depressed or stoic place you are at.. but it feels detached. And that also reminds me of my husband. He has some autistic-like aspects, though very mild. He can be completely mystified about how gruff or offensive he has unintentionally been.."

THIS has been a huge issue!! I have spoken about this to him for YEARS.....with no resolution. He does not HEAR how he ends a phone conversation, especially if he is not interested in the person or topic. RUDE. INDIFFERENT.

Our girls would mention how their friends were afraid of him because he looked so mean....and he just couldn't believe it.....once again.....the only people that need to be believed are......HIM........ because everyone else is mistaken.....grrrrrrr......

Excuse me while I celebrate that at least I wasn't wrong.....yes not wrong.....on this one. I correctly observed something was......NOT RIGHT.....YAY!!! ok ok celebration over.

Because I don't let it make or break my life anymore......it's who he is.....that is how he wants it. I do not make excuses for him BECAUSE..1) he is an ADULT....2) he chooses to not address the ADD....3) I am accountable for MY behavior...period.

Oh gosh Zapp!!! I understand

Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on Sat, 07/30/2016 - 18:21

Oh gosh Zapp!!! I understand this sooo well! My H is also very gruff, and I would say about 80% of the time I am getting a response from him he seems so mad about it! I keep trying to explain his delivery is a real issue (though he seems to only have the problem with me - like I am the focus of anger or something). And thats when I can actually GET a response.

The craziest thing happened beginning of June. We opened the pool, and I was filming him take the first swim. And I kept talking to him - and I was having fun, and it was a lovely day etc... and when I replayed it, I noticed that he only aknowledged about 20% (and i am being generous) of anything I said/asked to him. I had become so accustomed to him ignoring me that I barely noticed. I did catch myself re-aiming a question from him to the dog so I would not feel stupid. I do that so automatically now that when I saw myself do it- It really was a kick in the gut. There could be no excuse that he could not hear me, I was less than 5-6 feet away from him. Watching it, reazling this very odd behavior was actually NORMAL and considered good day behavior... I just was amazed.

I showed it to him - and he just was like Hmmm ok. He doesnt even notice ignoring me anymore either.

I have so little value other than the lifestyle I can provide to him.

As far as I can tell, at work

Submitted by JohnWilson on Sat, 07/30/2016 - 16:50

As far as I can tell, at work and with friends, I don't "get it wrong" except for maybe the odd bad joke or blurted out remark. Maybe my main problem there might be failing to fully understand a question before I begin to answer. Embarrassing yes, but apparently not rage-inducing.

Yes, she truly is angry, and yes, the "shorter is better" advice is appreciated. If I'm burying my own feelings it's only because it's been years of back and forth. I've raged at myself, I've spat venom at her. I've said I would be better off dead, called myself a broken piece of trash. I've demanded that she stop her anger or channel it elsewhere. No more. She's made it clear that doesn't get us any closer to doing the right, loving, caring thing. So - logically - I apparently need to just know what that is - what to do or say - at any given moment. She refuses to give hints, spoon-feed, or have a two-way conversation. The time for that was apparently months or years ago. So I have no one else to ask except you people.

When she breaks my

Submitted by JohnWilson on Sat, 07/30/2016 - 16:56

When she breaks my possessions (in recent days, a mug, two pairs of glasses, and a pair of headphones) I no longer react like I used to -- wait, stop! What are you doing! Don't do that!

I don't have the right to tell her what not to do, and if I act any more upset about an inanimate object than about her, then I've clearly shown how little she means in my mind. And yet, when I tamp down my reactions now -- I am apparently still showing the same thing, because broken household objects are still not enough to clue me in to how much she hurts.

I urge you to contact a

Submitted by PoisonIvy on Sat, 07/30/2016 - 17:04

I urge you to contact a domestic abuse agency or a therapist. If your wife is doing what you say she is, she is abusing you. People on a forum can provide you with moral support, but we can't change your wife and we can't give you the on-the-ground help you need to protect yourself.

I can't do that. I am the

Submitted by JohnWilson on Sat, 07/30/2016 - 17:31

I can't do that. I am the abuser not her, and I made her like this. She won't be corrected on this fact. She won't own up to the fact that it's her voice or hands that are doing what they do. I made them. She won't see a medical or psychological doctor because it's too embarrassing, and again, the problem doesn't stem from her.

Your wife does not need to do

Submitted by PoisonIvy on Sat, 07/30/2016 - 17:35

Your wife does not need to do anything or acknowledge anything for you to seek help. Yes, it would be great if she acknowledged her fault and apologized, but you can't make her do that. You can, however, protect yourself. I realize there may be logistical challenges to doing so, but I doubt that "my wife won't let me" is one of them.

Well, I would admitting my

Submitted by JohnWilson on Sat, 07/30/2016 - 17:49

Well, I would admitting my supreme victimhood as a final killing shot to the marriage. I would say that I'm the weak one, I need all the attention, and none of it is my fault. All statements from her. I honestly don't know what my own opinion is any longer.

If we are arguing and can't

Submitted by JohnWilson on Sat, 07/30/2016 - 17:03

If we are arguing and can't make it to a friend's party, I don't seem to have a viable choice.

If I text the friend to say, sorry, something's come up: making it all about me, being bossy, giving up on the situation, exposing her to social embarrassment.

If I decide not to do that: checking out again, not being a partner, leaving the hard part up to her, being a wuss, not owning up to the situation I have caused.

If I ask her what she thinks we should do: hand-holding, babying, she has to make every decision around here, she's told me a million times before.

How am I supposed to exist in a marriage where I can no longer, not even once, ask for her opinion or guidance? It's as if she's a printer who's run out of paper and won't offer anything up any more.

She demands an apology for

Submitted by JohnWilson on Sat, 07/30/2016 - 17:15

She demands an apology for past agreements which have spun way out of control. But the following words are off limits because I know they will instantly trigger her anger. What else is there?

sorry
apologize
mistake
just
only
symptom
I regret
I see now how wrong
I just
I promise
I will never
I take responsibility
I care
Ii didn't think
I thought you
I f*****d up
I assumed
forgive me
I'm begging you
you mean so much
I really do love you

"I'm making you dinner right

Submitted by JohnWilson on Sat, 07/30/2016 - 18:23

"I'm making you dinner right now, if you want to come down in 10 minutes to have some."

"Yeah right, as if I needed you to bug me right now, with how drained and weak I feel. You think I can't make my own dinner?"

"I'm not making food to prove that you can't do it for yourself."

"I'm sure you are. Why don't you try listening for a change?"

"If you're that weak then let me make you a plate and I'll bring it in here. I'll be back in 10 minutes okay?"

"Great, and then I'll throw it on the floor."

"Well, fine, but I'll bring it anyway."

"Oh good. Great f*****g repair attempt, genius!"

How am I supposed to even try to make something like a nice dinner without tripping her anger filters? I really don't make dinner to prove my superiority at anything, or over anybody.

How about starting with,

Submitted by PoisonIvy on Sat, 07/30/2016 - 18:32

How about starting with, "Would you like me to make dinner?"

If your wife says no, and you make it anyway, and then tell her you're going to bring it to her even though she doesn't want it, I think you're choosing to stoke the conflict.

>> How about starting with,

Submitted by JohnWilson on Sat, 07/30/2016 - 19:47

>> How about starting with, "Would you like me to make dinner?"

Hand-holding. Nagging. Not seeing the obvious. Lording it over her that I can make a nicer dinner than she can. Pecking away at someone who is exhausted.

Like i said, it seems to take no time at all to get us to the point of total communication breakdown.

Update: at least she didn't

Submitted by JohnWilson on Sat, 07/30/2016 - 19:57

Update: at least she didn't throw it on the floor, she just threw it in the trash can. Instead she's having cereal. It's all totally fine, because of the mountains of hurt I have heaped on her. Making a dinner wasn't something I could have asked about ahead of time, and if it gets thrown out that's my fault and something that I just have to step over and keep going.

Help anyone? This seems upside-down to me anymore to say the least. I'm clearly too dense to figure any of this out at this point.

In the example you gave of a

Submitted by PoisonIvy on Sat, 07/30/2016 - 20:09

In the example you gave of a conversation, you and your wife both contributed to the conflict. In similar situations, I would suggest that you stop talking after your wife says something that indicates she's in a bad mood.

> stop talking after your

Submitted by JohnWilson on Sat, 07/30/2016 - 20:11

> stop talking after your wife says something that indicates she's in a bad mood.

Means "Turning away, not turning towards." (a gift from books of John Gottman) Again, I just need to step right in with the caring and loving comment that she needs, but no book and no person will tell me what that is. No one.

Now I'm being told that she's

Submitted by JohnWilson on Sat, 07/30/2016 - 20:09

Now I'm being told that she's going to take our dog and throw it out on the street. She wishes she had cancer so everyone can see how selfish I am. She wants to burn down my life because it means so much more than hers. She says that I've kidnapped her happiness and I refuse to give it back.

Even the basic Buddhist stepping stones won't help at this point, right?

"I see that you are suffering." (No, you don't. How many f****** months has it been? Don't insult my intelligence.)

"I am trying my best." (What a wretched lie. How dare you.)

"I am here for you and I want to help you." (Clearly not, you b***s****er.)

Help, anyone.

Leave. Get a hotel room if

Submitted by PoisonIvy on Sat, 07/30/2016 - 20:15

Leave. Get a hotel room if that's the only place you have to go. But it might be better to find a place to stay where you can take the dog, too. If you're concerned about your wife's mental health (I am), contact one of her family members or friends.

I cannot leave. I have no

Submitted by JohnWilson on Sat, 07/30/2016 - 20:24

I cannot leave. I have no money and no options. She's told me many times before that this is how she tests the love of others. She'd run to the bedroom, telling her parents, "I hate you! Leave me alone," then she'd count the minutes until they came in to give her a hug.

I can't really agree with that kind of double-bluff, but there it is. To boot, this is someone who I can no longer meaningfully apologize to... it seems.

How can I bury my emotions when it really matters (to her)?

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