Trigger warning: references to blood and bleeding.
I've been with my ADHD partner for 8 years. It's been a great relationship, partly because I committed to learning about ADHD and have made adjustments. I'm a very chilled and non-confrontational person. I'm a happy and sunny type, a little shy and reserved - he is the opposite.
So.....I never thought I'd ever say this, but I am now seriously considering leaving my partner. I'll explain:
He's never been able to hold down a job for long, which isn't usually an issue because he's self employed and earnings are high, even if he only does a couple of days. However, this last few months, he hasn't wanted to work. Him being from a wealthy family, I set expectations around this - I said, what with just me being the earner, if he wanted to maintain our lifestyle, he would need to ok this with his parents as they may need to help out (they usually do without issue).
Here's where it started to go terribly wrong. A couple of weeks ago, he called me and asked if I needed something sending as he was away. I said I was fine and just needed some minor and inexpensive supplies. He then snapped at me, said it was always down to him to sort money out and hung up! I didn't get the chance to tell him I've been earning and working mad overtime for several months because he's decided he didn't want to work for a bit and he asked me if I'd like anything ordering!
Roll on a few hours later, I randomly suddenly started to hemorrhage blood. At first, I thought it was my womanly/monthly thing - it wasn't. I lost so much blood, I'd left pools and trails of it everywhere and had to call an ambulance. The floors, sofa, bed and bathroom were like a murder scene. When I was sat on the loo pouring blood and clots and trying to deal with this and panicking - he was vile and nasty to me. When I say vile - I mean like he wanted me to bleed to death there and then and he wouldnt bat an eyelid. Cold. So cold. I'd told him in a panic what was happening over text - his response - he couldn't give a sh*t and I should go sort myself out and he was sick of me.
My loving partner :( after all these years together....he said that? All the while, I'm bleeding all over and waiting for the ambulance (I was rushed into hospital and couldn't be stabilised in the ambulance, my body was starting to shut down). I cannot get over the trauma of him saying that to me. I just can't. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears constantly. I can't get it out of my head, the horror of what I went through and what he said to me - I just cannot get over what he said.
When he came home after I was taken away to hospital, he arrived to the blood scene and stuff the ambulance people had left behind. I think this really shook him up and he suddenly couldn't do enough for me, even cleaning up the blood (he never tidies up!) and spending several hundreds of pounds getting me gifts and new clothes. I think maybe he thought I was lying and the reality of the situation really shook him up. He apologised to me over and over, said he had an ADHD meltdown over something unrelated and trivial and I got the harsh end of the stick with it. He said he is immensely happy in our relationship and wouldn't change me for the world. I am very confused.
I can't tell you how traumatic everything was and to have the person I love the most turn on me like that. I just can't move forward with it. I feel anxious to be around him. I do not believe that he loves me - he can't?! You can't love someone and do that...? If I did that to him, I wouldn't want to live with myself.
At that time when I was going through this, my friends were piling on the support - one of my friends was minutes off jumping in his car and driving the 400 miles to accompany me. Other friends were terrified and lining up to be at the hospital, to come around and help clean up, to cook, to give me a lift home from the ward. Him: I got nothing but abuse.
We have gone from blissfully happy to me feeling absolutely dead inside. I am putting on a brave face and making out everything is good, but this is haunting me all the time. I'm such a reserved and quiet type, I don't deal with confrontation well anyway :( Any advice or kind words? I need 'em x thank you.
So sorry
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I really feel your pain. You describe the equivalence of being abandoned during childbirth, or left in a burning building. It's the utter physical experience of betrayal. I can't imagine how horrible it must have felt.
I couldn't give any advice. It's impossible to know how someone else's life is. But I think your experience is important. It shouldn't be ignored. I'm sure your partner's misjudgment of the situation was unintentional. The problem is, sometimes good intentions aren't enough. In a crisis, we need to depend on those we love.
I had many pieces of evidence that my ex-husband was too dysfunctional to be trusted. I tried to ignore them. I shouldn't have. No matter my love for him, his ADHD has now destroyed all we tried to build together. It was a force majeure.
Please make good decisions that will give you support in the future. It doesn't matter how strong we are. With a weak partner, we go down.
So important that you have great friends!!
Submitted by CANTGOBACK (not verified) on
Your story is horrifying, I don't know what to say other than thank goodness you have such love and support from your friends. It's so painful that your beloved partner turned Jekyll Hyde with you. I can only imagine the shock and horror in your heart. I am glad you survived physically, and hope you find everything you need to recover emotionally as well.
It's I. Thise critical moments that we need our partner most, and he let you down in the worst way. I am so sorry.
Somatic experiencing for trauma
Submitted by CANTGOBACK (not verified) on
Have you heard of it? It's a modality to help you resolve this kind of acute physical/emotional trauma, I've benefitted tremendously from it. There are practitioners all over that can see you via video call.... traumahealing.org can help you find one if you're interested, also just a Google search. Sorry if the suggestion isn't what you need, I'm just responding to the overwhelming trauma in this situation. <3
mazzystargirl
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I cannot imagine how traumatic that experience was for you, in add to feeling alone and unsupported by your partner.
It is good to know that you have support of friends. Perhaps speaking to an impartial third party like a counselor would help you move through this difficult time.
Speaking as a reserved non-confrontational type of person myself, I can honestly look back and wish that I had stood up for myself. There were instances with my ex-husband where he demonstrated he was not going to be there for me at all, and I should have gone with my gut and reached out for help.
I'm really sorry
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
It's heartbreaking to read your story and I'm really glad you're physically okay.
I think this is a defining moment for you. It sounds like things aren't really all that amazing every day, but you have a high tolerance for significant imbalance in the relationship. This event shines a spotlight on the amount of care each of you are willing/able to put in. I think Swedish nailed it and Adele's comments about seeing someone you can process this with is really good advice. Don't ignore the alarm bells going off in your brain after this... it's happening for a reason.
Sending hugs and care.
Has he ever done that before?
Submitted by Dagmar on
That's crazy and horrible. Did he tell you what the meltdown was about? Was someone in his ear? Have there been similar incidents where you needed him and he wasn't there?
Honestly, you are going to have this in the back of your head forever. You should get some therapy to help let this go and to help you decide what to do.
Now you know
Submitted by adhd32 on
You know you can never trust him to have your back when his participation is critical. You know he can't be trusted with your wellbeing. All the excuses in the world for his absence don't matter because he didn't come. He berated you for your implied neediness. Now you know you can never trust him with your life. Why doubt what he said by smoothing things over? I have found in my relationship that similar incidents were really the unmasking of true feelings when H was called upon in a crisis. He was stressed and couldn't handle himself and additional needs for someone else, all he can think about was the inconvenience of the crisis to HIS life.
My then-husband many times
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My then-husband many times showed that he was unreliable in difficult, stressful situations. But the thing that really made a difference and led to much greater clarity for me was when he said, about himself, "I can barely take care of myself." He didn't say this during a crisis; he said it when I told him, with great emotion and not for the first time, that it was very hard for me that I was doing nearly all of the parenting and spousal tasks in our relationship. If a person expresses, in behavior or in words, that they can't be counted on, believe them!
Relatable
Submitted by nefun76 on
They are men IN the house not men OF the house