This is what I am struggling with now. It's sad and it's something I can't control. It is a reaction to his lack of effort. Good guy, big heart but does not emotionally fill my needs and it seems that he doesn't have any emotional needs for ME to fill which makes me realize that all these years, I have worked so hard for something that wasn't going to make a dent anyway. He is a robot, sorta speak. He has physical needs though, and I still have to fulfill those. He pays attention when he needs that but the feeling isn't one of romance just one of duty. This was coming down the pike. In 2007 I told him he was losing me and every year of our marriage I told him I felt lost and lonely. So I have grown up now, learned to accept, fill my void with friends and things I love to do but the feeling is one of compassion, being faithful, and loving since he has been a part of my family 25 years. How can I be in love with someone who chooses tv, IPAD games and his laptop at 11:45 PM and I sleep alone and then at 2:45 AM comes to bed and wants to pay me attention...only because he wants something? He is not evil and I don't hate him. I just don't feel like I couldn't live without him. The day has come when I have to figure out how to live with a friend and brother when I really only wanted a husband and a normal marriage. The butterflies are gone and the rush to get home to be together is slowed to a crawl. I no longer take days off to be together because its stressful and we don't do vacations because it's not romantic and he is hyperfocused on his gadgets and makes driving with him irritating and makes me anxious. He is always negative and stressed. It's just not who I am. 25 years and I am finally allowing myself to emerge and not trying to fix anything in him anymore but the result is still the same. He can be so neglectful and yet untouched emotionally. I am the only one suffering since I am wired correctly. Yes, all I can do is take care of me, fill the void. My God, this is hard. While I sleep alone and fill my void, I know that some other guy somewhere if lonely too and would love to be my husband. My husband loves to say "I love you" and I believe him, but love is not enough for me. I am not leaving physically but everyday since 1990, I have been slowly leaving emotionally. He has seen it and says that he IS making effort but that is only the effort HE wants to put in and to me its imaginary. He feels that telling me he loves me is effort. I stay so he doesn't break apart. I feel like I am taped together with Duct Tape because I have been so strong all these years. I am grateful to be resilient. Anyone else feel like they love their mate like a brother/sister?
Brotherly love instead of romantic love...
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on 09/14/2015.
Hi NGLM....
Submitted by c ur self on
My wife is so unapproachable I think of her as a friendly but very messy roommate, who don't clean, or cook much. And likes to spend her time and money on Frivolity....It helps me to not expect anything....Our oldest Son is getting married in October...And she has been hyper-focused on the wedding...Mostly her dress....But, it's who she is....She has 4 dresses in the guest room, and jumped up early today before she had to go to work to go try on another dress....She tells me all about them....
(While I sleep alone and fill my void, I know that some other guy somewhere if lonely too and would love to be my husband.) This is something I cannot say I haven't thought also, except for the guy part:)....I try to just flush those thoughts....It's kind of victim thinking....But, hey....Loneliness can drive us places we really don't want to go....
C
So true about not expecting
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
So true about not expecting anything. H would love me to say goodbye every morning while he sleeps in from his 2 AM gadget fest and overload. If I don't go in the bedroom to wake him for a 5 second goodbye, he doesn't get up at all to see me or have breakfast even though he says that is his wish. What would I like? To actually sleep with someone every night or at least get a good night and say a prayer together (which he says he wants) but I can't even get him to stop staring at his laptop/tv or IPAD long enough. So how is it that they know what they want but don't give you what you want but they don't make the effort? I am over reminders. If something is important to you, you will find a way to make it happen, ADHD or not. I know this because for 2 months, he got up early to see me off and say goodbye then he stopped because he was too tired from his late night/morning tv watching and laptop surfing. So now I am working on not feeling guilty when I leave the house without waking him in the morning. Sometimes I do just to know I did the right thing but it stinks doing what you know is right and always being the one to put forth the effort and getting no benefit. Oh well, it is what it is. :) Have a great day C!
Sleeping Together....At the Same Time lol
Submitted by kellyj on
I wanted to chime in here because I have run into this myself and my wife and I did find a solution to this one at least and one that might work. It still has to do with expectations but coming at it from another approach. My wife and I have agreed to have scheduled times for things and during those different times....some things are not allowed. The "gadget fest" thing for me was spending unlimited and uncontrolled time on the computer even if it was for a legitimate reason or in connection to work. It always ended up staying there too long and doing other things as these things go. Doing it at night after my wife went to bed was just a way to do it without hearing about it or encroaching on her during the day or times we were together but it's still not entirely necessary. It isn't a "need" in reality.....it's just using hyper focus to feel better and recover from stress and anxiety but it's also robbing Peter to pay Paul when it comes to this by doing it in that way and you never end up sleeping with your spouse. That's a lose/lose right there .
Imposing some time schedules (loosely) but saying certain things are not allowed during limited time frames and doing this in a way that allows for some hyper focus "free time" do do what ever at the same time might shift the attention away and still get what you want a the same time.
With my wife and I......doing this allowed to adjust to her sleep schedule which is really early for me...9;30pm -10:00pm. I haven't gone to bed at that time since I was in elementary school so this was not an easy transition for me to do.
What I found is that I am spending less and less time on the computer late at night and do it in the morning instead (early since I go to be so early now). Slowly over time....by imposing some times like this which forces you to do and not do certain things at different times.......other things like sleeping with my wife at the same time and moving more to her schedule (not mine) was like killing 3 or 4 birds with one stone and I still get enough hyper focus free time without it creating as much a problem. Only when I go too long but it's harder to do when you aren't "free" .....to do it late into the night.
Of course the other person has to agree to this first but this is what I found out by doing this for what it's worth:)
J
That would be so amazing if
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
That would be so amazing if he did that. In fact I have encouraged that for many years. I work a normal 8-4:30 and he works 1PM-8PM and so I have told him that he has so much time in the AM to do what he has to do but to no avail. He said that he is a night owl and does his "best work" at night. Video games, shows recorded on DVR and surfing internet is his "best work". He instead chooses to sleep in the mornings. He doesn't do much that is productive like get dinner started or go to the gym, he just jumps right back on the laptop. The sad thing is that he is working 1-8 and comes home to get right back on the laptop as if he hasn't already spent 7 hours on his laptop. It would be nice to at least spend a few hours together before I goto bed at 10 PM but he is quite complacent and content to be out there alone. On Sunday, I broke night and was awake when he got home from a DJ gig at 11:15 PM. He quickly turned on the tv, warmed up some leftovers and sat down. I got off the couch to get ready for bed and he commented that he hoped he wasn't chasing me out of the room. I told him I had to work Monday and was going to bed anyway, plus I can't sleep with the noise of the tv. So about midnight he wakes me and asks if he can come to bed and watch his program in there with me. I said no since it would disturb my sleep. He sadly said ok but stayed out there til 2:45 AM! He was playing video games on his tablet when I got up to use the restroom. Then about 3 AM he came to the bed and was gently trying to wake me. I guess he felt amourous but I ignored that since he had plenty of time to do that. That would not be fair. He often wants to "spend time" with me IF he can "work" in bed and has ALL his gadgets in the bed, tv, laptop and plays games on his IPAD that shake the bed. I let it go sometimes since I feel close to him at that time but once it messes with my being able to sleep, he gets irritated that he has to shut down and sleep. So I prefer if he is out of the room if he can't shut it all down. It's just amazing how he wants to be in bed with me but NOT if he can't bring his toys. That is not cool with me. It's like he can't hyperficus on me anymore but can easily choose his other mind stimulating things over me...then throw in a "have I told you I love you today?" and be ok to stay outside for 5 hours.
This has been 25 years so I know he is in a habit that makes him happy. I am coming to grips with it since I have cried my face crusty for all those years wishing I had what fulfills me but I now spread out in the bed, sleep with a body pillow and listen to soft music at night. I repeat to myself that his behavior isn't personal since in the AM he is as happy as can be and untouched. Its hard to imagine a person who knows what would make you feel fulfilled and happy and chooses not to engage because he LOVES to stay up late. That is not a team, give/give or synergystic. And believe me, I have talked til blue in the face. I am not a mean person either, I don't yell. I speak to him logically and try to compromise but its always "let him be" and he reverts back to his comfort zone. I told him he will be 50 one day and in the same spot and he hates that idea but doesn't do anything about it. So all I can do is move forward to where I want to be. I used to sit there with him until I realized, it wasn't benefiting me he just thought I was awesome for not nagging but joining him in the gadget fest. No thanks.
Thank you for your input. :)
J
Submitted by c ur self on
Imposing some time schedules (loosely)...
This may work for you J; because you will place some controls on yourself to make it happen...Not everyone can keep schedules....They are kind of like the dead leaves on a windy fall day....Whoops!
C
I understand NGLM....
Submitted by c ur self on
(So now I am working on not feeling guilty when I leave the house without waking him in the morning. Sometimes I do just to know I did the right thing but it stinks doing what you know is right and always being the one to put forth the effort and getting no benefit.)
This is the tricky part right here; Its rough emotionally on us who have a habit of initiating this brief moments of greeting and affection (so there will be one at all) to not do it....It's not our responsibility to be responsible for another adult; so do not beat yourself up....If you do it...Don't over think it; just do it out of love:)....If you don't just live responsible to the day and be HAPPY:)
C
Yes, it is hard not to be
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
Yes, it is hard not to be loving since that is how my mama raised me. I am a nurturer, a bend over backwards kind of girl. I am happy about that since it has gained me wonderful friends in my lifetime that reciprocate. So I will continue to be who I am. :) Not overthinking...that is a goal of mine. These are some words of wisdom from the internet that I keep on my computer and re-read often. I wish I can recall who wrote them:
"The heart that’s meant to love you will fight for you when you want to give up, pick you up when you’re feeling down, and will give you their smile when it’s hard for you to find yours. They will never get strength from seeing you weak, power from seeing you hurt, or joy from seeing you cry. The heart that’s meant to love you wants to see the BEST YOU, not a hurt you. Never forget that.
Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return. Do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, for your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.
I understand that your heart is broken. You’re sad. I get it. But don’t let that stop you from living your life. Get out of bed every morning. Do your makeup. Smile. Get through the day. And whenever you don’t feel up to it, just look at the boy who did this to you. Do you think he cried himself to sleep last night? Probably not. As a matter of fact, I’ll bet you that he’s doing just fine. So when you wake up and you feel like lying in bed all day, just remember that he has other plans."
NGLM
Submitted by c ur self on
I really like most of it:)....I know we're all different, we all live with different convictions and values....But, I do enjoy speaking from time to time with other's who encourage me, and whom I hope I can encourage....
Have a wonderful day!
C
Have a blessed day as well my
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
Have a blessed day as well my friend! Keep smiling! God only wants us to do our best. :)
Here's What I Found With This...
Submitted by kellyj on
First...I'm not a gadget person in that I only have my laptop. Having said that.....my wife and I have made an agreement. After 7pm....the laptop goes away...completely! Not even in the same room or in sight. It gets enclosed in a Armour where we store stuff...out of sight, out of mind.
I also agreed to not have the computer anywhere she is at the same time unless I ask for an exception to look up something or use it where we both are watching something and it doesn't come back out until I wake up in the morning.
I found at first I had the urge to go look up things as I do but we made a deal and I kept to it. It really didn't take that long to get past this and now it's I don't even feel the urge anymore. It really wasn't that difficult to transition away from having access 24/7 to limiting it when my wife is not around.
So ...even he's a night owl ( a night person ) and he gets things done better then.....that would mean he should not use his gadgets in the morning if this were to work...hypothetically? I'm a morning person so the evening is my less productive time. I reserve that for my wife now and I don't use the computer anymore except for the rare exceptions or when she is not around.
The thing about getting sucked into TV or gadgets is that it's too easy to get lost in those things having ADHD even if it works on some levels to reduce stress. What I found that also works to reduce stress is play games like backgammon or something like that in the same time. We put music on so but you don't have to watch a screen to do that.
More than anything....following the same time schedules loosely just makes more time to connect even if we were more likely not to before. If we're both tired....se la vie.....we watch TV together but at least we're doing it at the same time.
I think that's the point of why this works so well. I don't really miss the extra time on the computer as long as I have something to focus on.
In this case....my wife works pretty well indeed....that's the point. lol But we had to get to making some rules to follow first before this would happen. I just didn't realize how well it would work until I actually tried it. Like I said....getting over not using the computer in the evenings really was not that big a deal like I originally thought it would be.
J
J
Submitted by c ur self on
(The thing about getting sucked into TV or gadgets is that it's too easy to get lost in those things having ADHD even if it works on some levels to reduce stress.) This is where you differ from my wife...Your ability to recognize and manage....You show the ability to rationalize and adjust your actions to create an agreeable scenario for the marriage relationship...You get it....It's not just an ADHD thing either; all people can be into their own things to the point of time selfishness, more marriage's would be so much sweeter; and fulfilling if we learned to make our mates our gadgets!...Oh Yeah:):)...Ha Ha...
Some of my favorite moments...Is cooking meals together; flirting making out and dancing in the kitchen while we cook....My kids wonder if I will ever grow up; my wife too...out loud anyway...But; secretly she love it....:)
C
Do they ever ask themselves.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
>>>
How can I be in love with someone who chooses tv, IPAD games and his laptop at 11:45 PM
>>>
Do they ever ask themselves: "How sexually appealing can I possibly be when I'm glued to TV or video games...or having rages or temper tantrums?
Yesterday I thought: If the
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
Yesterday I thought: If the butterflies are gone and I am not rushing home to be with him, at least I can be a friend. I know how to do that. There are plenty of people who are not head over heels in love anymore after they realize they are polar opposites and that you are more of a mother-like/doctor-like persona to them. I know that it would hurt my husband for me to tell him this, although I am sure he knows I would be fine without him. The other day I told him to tell me something I couldn't do without and he said "ME!" and paused and he said, "I know, I know. You would be fine without me. Let me wish." Being a friend is still a loving thing. Everyone agrees that he is a "take them in small doses" type of person and so this is the best I can do for someone that is married to him. Some days are better than others and friends stick with through you thick and thin. This takes a lot of pressure off of me, I can love you and not be in love with you, love you and not like you some days. :)
I think the "knowing" also contributes to the problem.
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
My H knows that if he died tomorrow, I would be sad, but I would easily be able to "go on". Not the same in reverse, and he knows it. I'm his rock.
But, his knowing that I would be able to 'go on," does make him angry at times. He helps me with my business and every once in awhile he'll make some comment that I just "use" him for that help. I always compliment his work and thank him. But he knows that I could easily hire someone to do that work for less money that he "costs" me.
Of course, I could say to him, "you use me as your personal life coach, cook, laundry person, etc." He doesn't think about that.
Yes, I agree. we are the
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
Yes, I agree. we are the rocks and pillars. I know my husband felt secure in my love when I was 17 since I ws more mature than he was and he felt sane, until he let it rip after marriage. So I contribute sanity to his life, he makes me laugh, that is his contribution. I can't count on him to keep a job due to personality differences, he is very negative, makes me anxious, is obnoxious. There is nothing I can't live without. But even still, we are loving and kind.
This Is Real Love NGLM
Submitted by kellyj on
I can love you and not be in love with you, love you and not like you some days. :)
Hopefully at the end of the day.....good or bad days included......that feeling never changes.( even when you're angry! lol )
Back to the Beatles again:) "And in the end....the Love you take....is equal to the Love you make."
J
Wow! You have perfectly
Submitted by sunrise_7 on
Wow! You have perfectly articulated how I feel and described my situation.
We are approaching a 25 year wedding anniversary soon. I also will be turning 50. Milestones like this make you reflect. I am not happy, I am not miserable, I am existing. There is no joy, my feelings toward him have evolved to brotherly love. We are not physically intimate very frequently, unless it’s on his terms. When we have sex, it’s mechanical. He doesn’t touch me until he wants sex. The lack of affection and real intimacy saddens me. I stay out of obligation, it’s what I should do. I am a workaholic. I think it’s a form of escape.
I wish I had an answer, other than to commiserate. I am curious if anyone else feels this way. Oddly enough, it’s comforting knowing at least one other person can relate to what I am experiencing.
Update
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
I haven't been on here in so long. I wished I had another answer too. In April 2018, I had a nervous breakdown and left and filed for divorce immediately. He killed my body, soul, spirituality and emotionally damaged me. My anxiety was off the charts and my body ached everyday from working daily while he did what he wanted since he only worked wkends. There is only so much one can take without resorting to more permanent ways to end the pain and I chose to live. Our divorce will be final this month. He didn't fight for me at all. As my tag name says "notgonnalosemyself" and I almost did and so did my family...but now I am found. I dealt with trauma bonds and had to fight wanting to go back to my "comfort zone" but his hard headed pride prevented that since he didn't want me back. He refused thrapy since I was 17 and I left at 45. Lost my mind. He stole enough. Now I am finding my true self. I wish you the best.
I am so sorry for what you
Submitted by sunrise_7 on
I am so sorry for what you experienced to get to where you are now. The decision not to get sucked back into the “comfort zone” had to be difficult. The fear of the unknown keeps me in a state of ambiguity. I applaud your bravery! Wishing you much happiness in the next chapter of life!
New chapter
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
Thank you love. This has been the hardest decision of my life and proof that all that I did to save my marriage for 28 years was all me. When it came time for him to fight, he left a good woman go. Pride is a killer. Wishing you happiness and love.
"comfort zones"
Submitted by c ur self on
It's amazing how dysfunctional and distorted our minds can get...When a person has lived so long being dumped on, used, and disrespected, and yet we still call it our comfort zone....
I started a job at age 17....I grew up with it, to some degree.....When I turned 55 I started thinking about retirement (Due to a bad back, and little to no help from my add wife in the home)....And even though I had made financially wise decisions most of my life, the thought of walking away was very scary....The unknown! (Not my comfort zone).....But, I have found it to be amazing! It's so nice to be able to set my own schedule, to visit my children and grand children when I want....To make my breakfast and coffee, while watching Major League Baseball channel or just what ever I choose...The house work, yard work and shopping can be down as I choose, and at my leisure.....I hope the longer your away from the unhealthy situation, the more you will be at peace....I hope you find a new, and more healthy comfort zone!...You are loved!
c
Thank you...
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
I have been away so long that I see you made an exit too. Yes, it is distorted that our comfort zone is abuse and neglect. We accept the crumbs because it is all we know. For me, my love was very real and it killed me, the cognitive dissonace, not understanding how someone can say they love you and slice your heart up daily. I feel horrible still, recognizing I am co-dependant and he exhitbiting narcissistic traits with ADHD and whatever other acronym available to avoid therapy. I will never understand how someone can see that someone has been their backbone, loved them hard, protected them, tolerated them when no one else would and still because of pride and the humiliation of being abandoned would allow someone to walk away. After 9 months he met with me and his one question was "do you realize the gravity of what you have done?" well by then I had the balls not to allow him to control me and make me cry. "Yes, I do and I am in therapy for all we have been through." I wa strong and I was independent, I lost 40 pounds and looked hotter than I ever looked and I held my head high. We spoke 90 minutes over dinner and he has no answers and no progress report of his own. He wasn't ready for me. I was different and growing. It is not for me to understand him anymore. There is not making sense of insanity. I move on, I pray for him daily, that God touch his heart and he can grow...for the next woman. I have never felt so attractive and I have made a new circle of friends, started singing which is my passion, in coffee houses and he can't overshadow me anymore. My qualities shine and I believe he was jealous of me. He kept me down instead of being proud of my talents. But it's ok. I am sure he knows in private what he lost even though in public he acts unaffected. I will always love him and always wish he gets his act together. But if this year of separation did nothing for us, he hardly talked to me...I doubt he will ever take any blame.
Thank you so much for the positive feedback. You are loved as well and I wish you all the happiness and peace also. Better late than never.
Different and Growing.....
Submitted by c ur self on
The simple truth of failed marriages seems to most always be selfishness....The lack of faithful love and devotion (commitment)....People in this day and time, heap to themselves at such a selfish and blinding level, they can't see what is truly important, like our creator, and a faithful loving spouse....It's like your 40 lost lbs....That's a nice thing for your energy level and personal health....But it should have never been a reason (or need) for you to not be cherished and loved by your husband....Or for you to not feel good about who you are....
I'm glad God's love for us isn't the shallow conditional love we experience from people....
c
Selfishness
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
Yes, selfish is the word. I warn people when they say "I would die for you and do anything for you" because if you can't LIVE for a person why would you die for them? If you can't feel the pain you cause, but you simply acknowledge it and offer no solution except to accept it, then please don't say you would do anything for me. So yes, uncorrected acknowledge bad behavior is selfish and will drive the other person batty.
The 40 lbs was done after I left. I fell off due to less stress and anxiety and I continue my health journey for me. He saw my weight loss and was moved to say I looked good but that's about it. He won't do the work and feels there is no hope for him. I say, he is right with that way of thinking. So long. I was near dying. I deserve more than that. I am loved by so many and this "love" he offered was his way of loving, the way he knew, not what I asked for. Whatever trauma he suffered, now I have my own trauma and story. The physical pain diminished almost immediately, the emotional pain and damage took a year and will be a life long process and now on to my third leg, rebuilding my spirituality and relationship with God. He saw how he affected all these areas and did nothing. So here we are growing, doing the work and becoming the woman I want to be at 46. One day, I will know what "normal" love from a man feels like. Until then, I will love the hell out of myself.
C, have a beautiful day! Here is to healing.
Selfish or self absorbed?
Submitted by Jon on
Selfish is a loaded word that many ADHD people are called for a great deal of their lives. I don't see it as selfish, because that infers deliberate intent, to me it's being self absorbed, which is more a factor of how our brains function. There is an important and subtle difference that is worth the effort to understand in my view.
Selfish vs Self absorbed...
Submitted by c ur self on
Jon, I can only speak for what I experience....But in my W's case the dynamic that is taking place is Self-Absorption....You are right....BUT, LOL...When a mature adult male or female (add or not) has their attention called to this reality...When they are well aware that they are ignoring the things they vowed to be responsible for, and instead continues to pursue only **What is good or fun for me**...Then you call it what you want....Irresponsibility....Selfishness....It's a conscience choice at that point...And the effects on our spouse is the same, no matter what we determine the label for the behavior is.....
To me, adhd or not....I need to show up....And so does my wife....That's what we vowed to do....Neither of us or so stupid, we don't realize where we are spending our time and energy....The counselor told my wife....You need to shit or get off the pot!....It's not rocket science.... LOL....