Non-ADHD spouse here. Its been a tough few years. I know this is not where I envisioned myself to be at this stage of my life and I'm understanding and learning how to make changes so that in 5 years (or whenever) I'm still not in this same spot.
However, all signs are pointing to a hard, but badly needed, Come To Jesus Talk - you know, the one talk where you gotta lay it on the table because you realise that it's not only the unmanaged ADHD, but also includes unmanaged anxiety and depression. And its permeated your (My, as the non-adhder) entire life , its affected and changed the kids, and you've had enough. It's time to press the reset button or its time for you, the non-adhder, to make changes that potentially have a destruction element to to them because you know you can't live like this anymore.
There's a great article post by Melissa in this forum that's aimed towards getting through to the men with ADHD and who thinks it doesn't matter that they aren't getting treatment. And i recently listened to a Dr John delony podcast with him speaking to a man who said he couldnt live up to his wife's expectations, but when Dr John dived further, found that the man really didn't listen and forgot the whole point of his marriage and life: you gotta love yourself first and you're worthy more than your paycheck.
I'm considering send those both to my hubsand as a must-read and then forcing him to talk to me about it. I've already written a letter to him, he gave out to me because I hand wrote it and he has dyslexia so it felt like he was more pissed I expected to actually read what I wrote, we've never spoken about my letter again. And the kicker is his best friend wrote him a letter too, typed out, more pages than mine....and he spoke with his friend about his letter but ignored mine.
(As I type that above, I'm wondering if I should make a list of all the big things that have hurt me so badly and how they aren't acceptable to me to treat me like this - but they are acceptable bc I've accepted them, right?...i struggle with this on the daily)
I genuinely understand that we have changed, as a couple and individually, it's normal and should be welcomed, but I'm at the point that something has to give and change for our relationship or we need to choose a different path that perhaps doesn't involve each other. Talking to him is beyond frustrating - it gets no where. No amount of calmness, finding the right moment...anything ever helps any point of communication between us. For every topic. It's so upsetting. I just want my husband back and I want a partner. I signed up for that. But what I living is not in line with who I am, what I about or my values- I know this.... so I'm wondering if any of you have had The Talk and how you best went about it.
Everyone's situation is different, I know, but for those of us as the non-adhd (or executive functioning or over functioning person)...when you know you've had enough and you need the roller coaster to STOP, and pause.... how did you do it??
So relatable
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Hello Dubbie,
You just commented in my thread and when I read your post it's very relatable too.
It was so hard to request a divorce from my ADD husband of 20+ years, even though he had suggested it himself a few weeks earlier whereupon I had been hurt and he then changed his mind within a day. His colleagues apparently had asked him if he needed divorce since things had been difficult for so long.
In the end it was a doctor, who had previously only seen me for covid once, who told me I had to get out. I then followed doctor's orders which was liberating.
Now it turns out my husband thinks we should have divorced earlier. Maybe years ago? Many years? He's opaque concerning this and avoids the topic. He has only ever been passive, hiding from me, avoiding conversations concerning almost anything of importance. Now, I'm amazed to find maybe he wasn't even in it to save the family like I was during the last hard years when everything depended on me. He just retorted to bed, to depression and anxiety and shame, because he had no courage or ability to make changes.
This experience makes me think we maybe shouldn't wait for the ADD person to change anything. The diagnosis is in my experience the antithesis of resolute action. I'm glad I'm not wasting any more time on this.
I ache for you. Whatever have we done to deserve this.
and me too
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
Thank you for your kind words and experience shared. I ache for me too and for you as well. This is so, so so tough. And even today, I find myself trying to find so many other distractions to not think about this looming over our heads.
I also had to re-read your
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
I also had to re-read your response. I felt the third to last paragraph SO MUCH. This is me now. Right now. Distance, passive, hiding, all of it. I have literally spent EVERY NIGHT on my own downstairs for the last 2-3 years. 2-3 years!?!?!? How did I let this happen? I get so angry with myself and then I stop and try to find some compassion for myself bc it's just shit on top of shit. And when it piles up and isn't dealt with, it's so overwhelming to face it all at one. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
Alone downstairs
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Why would anyone want a relationship where they hide upstairs and don't interact with their partner for years? It is probably not by active choice but by extreme dysfunction.
I hope you can find a good way forward.
I probably had more than one
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I probably had more than one CTJ talk with my ex-husband. None of them were effective to stop the roller coaster. What was effective was my acceptance of the facts that I was the only one who could stop the roller coaster, and I'd have to do it myself.
it's so true, isn't it. The
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
it's so true, isn't it. The roller coaster only stops when we make it stop and we have to be on our A-game to have the strength and ability to stop it.
You have nothing to lose
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
It sounds like you are at a crossroads and have nothing to lose by laying it all out there. I know you want the best chance of success. For my marriage (now over), I wish I'd been stronger and harder faster. A gentle approach did not work for me. Similarly to your letter, my husband simply swept my words and attempts away as if they never happened.
However, strong doesn't have to mean unkind. If he has a hard time reading, I think talking makes the most sense, even if you need that list in front of you. You can tell him kindly that you've reached the end, and if no action is taken on his end to improve things that you unfortunately have to take steps to protect your own mental health and children and that likely means ending the relationship. (Be prepared to define what action means to you - e.g, therapy for his mental illness and ADHD medication immediately, a commitment do do xyz around the house or with the kids once meds have settled, etc.). An ultimatum? Maybe. But that's fair if it's where you sincerely are. If he sweeps that away, at least you know where you stand. If the prospect of losing his family doesn't inspire action, what will? You can just do your very best with your part at this point. If you're not quite there, you could always try suggesting Melissa's couples course as a first step. It might open his eyes and open the pathway to further conversation.
This was such a practical and
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
This was such a practical and proactive response. Thank you so much. It's a good reminder to live in my own boundaries too bc I dont' want to have this talk and not be prepared for it, i.e. what does action mean to me and what do I want to define my marraige as? And yes, I am now (only recently) strong enough to withstand if he sweeps me away and I will know then what is up and where to go next.
Sharing in your pain
Submitted by Dealing298 on
It really is difficult. I've literally just stumbled across this page as of maybe an hour ago and I can't believe how relatable these experiences are and the feeling of being so unalone (I know that's not a real word but it's fitting) in the fact that these issues thoughts and feelings are so common for pretty much all non-adhd partners.
I would love if you could share the title and date of the podcast episode you listened too. I tried to have a look but it's not been easy to find just by scrolling. I think I'm going to get much more than I hoped for from this site but I'm yet to determine if that will be a good or bad thing.
Thank you.
here's those resources:
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
hi Dealing298 - I'm sorry it took so long to get back to you. But here are the links to some media that have helped me (besides this website, of course)
Any podcast with Melissa Orlov speaking on it. Specifically when she guests on the podcast Refocused, A Podcat All About ADHD. And earlier in February they did a 5 episode series that has validated my experience moreso than anything else. listen to all 5 in a row. They start in Feb 2023.
The Dr John episode I'm referring to is this one: The Dr John Delony Show episode titled: We've Dated for 15 years but I Don't Want to Get Married. Skip the first caller and it's the 2nd caller's discussion. Make sure to listen to the entire thing.
I've also consumed so much Mel Robbins - but this is moreso for yourself and your own personal development. I really liked her episodes: 3 lessions I learned from the hardest year of my life, and the one that is 3 things you need to accept about other people (something like that)