I sent H a text around 2PM. Just a silly little text. He always responds in some way to those even if it's a smiley face emoticon. I got nothing. I figure he either hadn't looked at his phone (very doubtful) left it at work (possible) or is pissed about something (probable). I know the kittens were being annoying the night before and running around the house keeping us awake so I figured he's probably really tired. I got home at 5PM and he was in the bedroom. Less than a minute after I get home, he comes storming out of the bedroom right past me and says "How the HELL are you"? I say "Okay. How are you? (like I already didn't know)!" He goes "Well I've been trying to take a nap for the past hour but these little shits we have for kittens aren't letting me. You guys are really enjoying it aren't you? Thanks a lot you little shits". Then throws a dish in the sink, stomps back to the computer room slams into his chair, slams his hands on the keyboard. And I'm sure me coming home and making noise was just the icing on the cake for him! Of course the kittens follow him into the room and he goes "What the hell do you want? You know where your food dish is! Jesus Christ leave me alone" then proceeds to push them aside with his foot or push them off his lap. Real nice guy huh? I avoid him and don't say a word to him. I go out into the living room and about a half hour later he comes out and tries to have a civil conversation with me but I'm too damn afraid of saying anything because I'm sure he'll make it seem like he's pissed at me too. I'm just waiting for him to start going off about anything from my coat hanging on the wrong hook to it being my fault that the trash is full since he is on his mean tangent.Then one of the kittens is playing with a poop pellet. We get this pellet litter rather than the regular kind so it doesn't get tracked around the house. It's the same kitten that plays with them. H goes "Oh imagine that. Callie is playing with a shit pellet! It doesn't matter if we take it away or not because there's a bunch more where that came from because Mom (meaning me) keeps buying them." Then laughs as he walks away. He had fed the kittens before I got home and then I hear right after that lovely comment "Why are there 3 different half cans of food in the fridge? Why didn't you just give them all to them?" Well I opened another can this morning not realizing there was one in the fridge because it was hiding behind something and then they had enough so put a half can back in the fridge. But um, YOU were the one to feed them last and YOU put a half can of food in the fridge too. Actually I look at it this morning and it's not even a half can, it's like a small spoonful. You did the exact thing I did too, even worse, so why are you lashing out at me?
Then if he was so tired, why did he stay up until 10PM playing his damn video game and then come to bed and spend 30 minutes reading? The whole time I hear these loud sighs. The cats are not making a sound so why don't you try and go to sleep now? I'm sleeping on the corner of the bed so I don't hear "Geez, can you not hog the entire bed?" I try not to move unless absolutely necessary. I try to make sure I'm barely breathing so he doesn't get irritated about that. I never wanted 5 kittens. I barely wanted 1 kitten, but his mom offered to bring us 5 and he said he'd give the other 3 away. I told him to tell her to just bring 2 but he refused to do it. He never gave the others away because he wanted them all. I completely believe that he has it in his head now that I am the reason we have these cats. He kept joking with me "Well if you would have let me have a dog we wouldn't have 5 kittens". He kept saying to me "Thank you for letting me keep these. I love them so much." Just the night before he was gushing over them and saying how awesome they were and even when they are naughty they still aren't bad. Yet less than 24 hours later he's pushing them away and calling them little shits. He never has the right to complain about having 5 kittens. He is the one who wanted them. Yup they are going ot be very annoying and very loud.
I went to bed when he did. I was up most of the night listening to them run around the house just as he was. I got out of bed 15 minutes after he did. Yet I'm not the one being an asshole about being tired. I've been kept awake several nights when he's on 2nd shift staying up until 4 AM playing his video game at a loud level but say nothing. I've had a stiff neck for the past week because I have slept so crappily and have said nothing. The only person who puts me in a bad mood is him. I am a happy person in general and even if I have a bad day at work, I leave it at work. There is not one other person who makes me feel anywhere near as bad as he can when he is on these mean streaks.
Part of this is the "now" and "not now" going on....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
For the longest time, I thought my H was just lying, until I learned about "now" and "not now."
When we bought a car, he wanted it. Then a few months later, maybe because he was annoyed at the payments one day, he didn't want it. so at that moment (NOW), he couldn't imagine EVER wanting the car. So, he blamed me totally for buying the car. Ugh. Later, he loved the car, and said we needed this car, but then later again, he became annoyed, and said that he never wanted the car and that only I did.
I really thought he was an absolute liar. Now that I know about Now and NOT Now....I get it. His feelings AT THE MOMENT are believed to be his feelings FOREVER.
Your H may be experiencing similar.
I don't know what he is
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I don't know what he is experiencing but it is uncalled for! There is absolutely no need to go ballistic because he is tired. I've been tired for a week but have said nothing.
On top of everything, today is his birthday. I bought him a $200 gift card over the weekend and emailed it to him this morning. As I sent it off to him this morning after he left for work I said out loud "Happy Birthday a-hole. Enjoy your card that you so don't deserve". 10 minutes later I get a text saying "Thanks for the gift card Sweetie". Then 10 minutes later he posted on Facebook "Thanks for the gift card Honey". Oh are you repenting now? Will I come home to a happy husband or a pissed one? Are you just profiling on your Facebook page so everyone thinks we have just the best relationship and make me think you are okay now only to find you are still pissed? I got no apology for his attitude. And he wonders why his daughter no longer wants anything to do with him. He never apologizes for his attitude to her. Oh he'll tell me after she leaves that he shouldn't have been the way he was with her but will never tell her that.
Replace one word of your post, and it's my life you've described
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
If you substitute the word "son" for "kitten", you've described a typical day at home for me.
Husband wanted kids before we were even married...now spends most of his day pushing them away to do something, anything, more important.
My youngest is fuming in his presence most of the time, not that DH would notice...and if he thought pushing a "poop pellet" would get any kind of reaction from Dad, he'd give it a try...
How did we spouses get into these "relationships"...?
Hang in there....
And the thing is, when these
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
And the thing is, when these rages happen and when they are over, you still never really know if they are truly over for the time being. Even if he seems fine I will still be wary about saying anything. It's like starting from Ground Zero every time and working back up to point where I can talk with him without feeling like he's going to jump down my throat.
Now and not now...others or me
Submitted by dedelight4 on
" Oh he'll tell me after she leaves that he shouldn't have been the way he was with her but will never tell her that."
Interesting quote from Mapper. My ADHD husband will tell our youngest daughter things that he doesn't tell me. My daughter likes having a good relationship with him, but she does wonder why he doesn't tell ME some of the things he tells her. (about me) He often tells her good things about me, which I would really love to hear, but don't. He used to call other people and tell them all sorts of things about our family (negative), so that he could get people on his side. When they didn't know ANYTHING about what was really happening in our home. They only heard his side of things. So, he would get a lot of sympathy and then would tell me how these "others" backed him up on whatever the subject was. If they only knew the WHOLE story.
UN-BE-LIEVE-A-BLE!!!!!
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I get home last night awaiting my fate. Will he be in his same crappy mood or happy? Well he was in an excellent mood yesterday. I walk through the door and say "So you are in a better mood than yesterday?" He goes "Yeah I was a little grumpy yesterday." A LITTLE grumpy???!! You were horrible! He goes "What? I wasn't THAT bad. I was just upset because Callie kept chasing a poop pellet around on the floor and it kept me up."THAT is what you were fuming over all night? A cat pushing a poop pellet on the floor while you were trying to sleep? Why didn't you just get up and throw it in the trash? Problem solved! I walk through the door the day before and you come storming down the hall, ask me how the "hell" I am, proceed to slam shit around, call all the cats little shits, literally talk to them saying "Oh you guys just love the fact you are keeping me up don't you?", shove them aside if they try to be by you, push them onto the floor, throw them to the other side of the couch, start going off about why are there 3 half cans of cat food in the fridge and how it's my fault about the poop pellets because I just keep on buying them. But apparently he doesn't remember ANY of that! He doesn't remember slamming anything. I gave him examples of what he did and he goes "Oh I didn't do that". Whatever! You were just sweet as sugar!
You you and you
Submitted by Karinda on
Mapper, you get all these kind responses to your posts, but you never say thanks or respond. I understand you have a hard time with your H, but instead of really listening to the advice you are given on this forum you just keep on ranting.
I think that's both irritating and sad. (deleted by editor)
Thanks! You don't have to
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Thanks! I respond to several people when I have something to converse with them about.You don't have to read and respond if it irritates you so much :)
she has a point
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Mapper, Karinda does have a point. She wasn't being ugly, she was just stating something that you seem to have a hard time seeing. It's also been pointed out to you many times by several others.
The problem isn't the kittens...
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
You are clearly dealing with a partner who has high levels of emotionality - something that is fairly common for those with ADHD. Emotionality means that someone responds with higher levels of emotion (either positive or negative) and also responds more quickly - i.e. to things that you might not respond to (as you point out in your post.)
This is a characteristic of ADHD for many - a symptom, even though it is not currently listed in the symptoms for diagnosis (the research on it is fairly recent). So it's not about your partner being a bad person at his core. It's about his not being in control of his emotional stability.
You have some choices to make, as a result. You can complain about it, and be angry at him. This would be a negative form of "symptom/response/response" in that your negative response is likely to backfire. The madder you get at his symptom, the more likely he is to respond negatively to you - in this case thinking that 'you' are the problem, rather than taking a closer look at his emotional control. His response is natural when you confront him, get angry at him, or hide from his emotional outburst as you so eloquently report doing. In your post you suggest that your responses to him are HIS fault (for being such a pain in the first place) but in reality your responses to him are entirely up to you.
A different approach would be to sit down with him in a calm period, and discuss this as a possible part of his ADHD, and how difficult it is to live with this. You can describe your own feelings (not pointing the blame at him) and the way that it interferes with your providing the love to him that you would like to provide. For example, you might say something like (I'm making this up now) "I found myself cowering in one corner of the bed, rather than holding you, because I was so upset. I really do want to be able to snuggle with you and be calmer at night...and maybe that feeling of calm would help you ignore the kittens when they are acting up, too." Or, you could lock them out of your room.
Further, at a time when you are discussing ADHD symptoms, you might be able to talk about emotionality.
The other thing that I wish to bring to your attention is that over time it's easy to create a "filter" - a lens through which we see our partners. This lens often distorts all interactions - both positive and negative. It's possible, from how you write, that you have developed a filter about your husband's behavior. I'm not saying, when I suggest this, that his behavior is easy to live with, but being critical of it, rather than lobbying for change in a positive way, is likely to extend his willingness to deny he has a problem (i.e. I was only a little bit mad...)
Living with undermanaged ADHD is a bear. But please be careful not to join in the process of making things around your home even worse.
Yes! Emotionality and Immatur
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
@melissaorlov
>>
You are clearly dealing with a partner who has high levels of emotionality - something that is fairly common for those with ADHD. Emotionality means that someone responds with higher levels of emotion (either positive or negative) and also responds more quickly - i.e. to things that you might not respond to (as you point out in your post.)
This is a characteristic of ADHD for many - a symptom, even though it is not currently listed in the symptoms for diagnosis (the research on it is fairly recent). So it's not about your partner being a bad person at his core. It's about his not being in control of his emotional stability.
>>>
Yes, there seems to be very little LOGIC, and a LOT of emotionality and immaturity in the responses.
There is some study that suggests that when emotions run high, that oxygen levels drop in the area of the brain where logic exists.....and that explains a LOT.
Years ago, before I knew anything about ADHD or anything, my H and I went to a T, who now I realize (in hindsight) was aware that H had ADHD, a PD, OCD, anxiety and depression. The T said to my H, "when you're upset, logic goes right out the window."
And, the T told H that he was extremely "needy" (which upset my H a LOT since his complaint was that I don't do enough for him (even thought I had a laundry list of things I do for him....bring him coffee in bed, do his laundry, pack his suitcase for business trips, unpack, lay out his clothes for work, etc, etc, etc.
As a matter of fact, the T said I do "too much" and told me to read Codependent NO More....and that upset H
Yes: So Needy & So Emotional!
Submitted by RedEyesOnOrange... on
<< And, the T told H that he was extremely "needy" (which upset my H a LOT since his complaint was that I don't do enough for him (even thought I had a laundry list of things I do for him....bring him coffee in bed, do his laundry, pack his suitcase for business trips, unpack, lay out his clothes for work, etc, etc, etc.>>
I just can't get over the similarity... It makes me want to laugh and cry all at once!
-R
Here is another issue. I work
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Here is another issue. I work for a travel company. I have been there for about 1 1/2 years now. It's a great company with fantastic perks. The biggest perk is that after you have been there for a year, and every year after that, you can take one of their tours for free...only having to pay for airfare and your spouse only has to pay airfare and $100/day. So these tours range anywhere from $2,000-$5,000 a person. So how great is it that two of you can take a trip and save up to $10,000??!! It will still probably cost around $4000-$5000 with airfare and spending money.
Ever since I got this job, H has been saying "I can't wait until we get to take one of these trips." Well we know where we'd like to go, but he only ends up with about 2 weeks of vacation every year and ends up using that up on stupid things like simply not wanting to go into work. We thought this year we'd go, but it doesn't look like it. And really, I'm scared to death to take him with me. He says how great it will be, but I can see him getting irritated with other people on the tour because they are older and it takes too long for them to get going or irritated with the tour guide, simply saying he wants to sleep in and not meet up with the rest of the group that day because he's tired, when that's not an option, but he'll go "What's the big deal? We are paying to be here so why can't we do what we want?" even when I've told him time and time again that if we take these tours we are expected do everything and not stay behind because that looks bad. Getting irritated that we have to see so many museums and churches when he just wants to hang out in a pub. And just simply having jet lag and being in a bad mood. Frankly he's always wanting to take these 2-3 hour long naps and I can see him being in this wonderful place with so many things to see and do and saying "Yeah I don't want to do any of the activities today and just take a nap instead."
So many horrible scenarios run through my mind ,and frankly, no good ones do. Do we even dare take a tour?
Do not--in any way--mingle your work life with his!
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
On this forum--and maybe in life in general--we often ask questions precisely because we already know the answer.
I had a great career. I married a man in my field. I helped him with his work. I thought that was mutual--but he has thrown me under the bus in countless ways. Whether he "meant to" or not doesn't even matter at this point.
If you are lucky enough to have one part of your life where you are not known as "that guy's wife", keep that part safe, protected, totally your own. Read enough posts here and you'll see how work/money is your freedom/survival/sanity. Do not let humiliation, conflict, impulsivity, and sabotage into your safe zone.
...since you asked...
oh my....this is M life!!!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<<
Ever since I got this job, H has been saying "I can't wait until we get to take one of these trips." Well we know where we'd like to go, but he only ends up with about 2 weeks of vacation every year and ends up using that up on stupid things like simply not wanting to go into work. We thought this year we'd go, but it doesn't look like it. And really, I'm scared to death to take him with me. He says how great it will be, but I can see him getting irritated with other people on the tour because they are older and it takes too long for them to get going or irritated with the tour guide, simply saying he wants to sleep in and not meet up with the rest of the group that day because he's tired, when that's not an option, but he'll go "What's the big deal? We are paying to be here so why can't we do what we want?"
>>>
When H and I were dating, he wasted vaca days all the time.. Finally, when we were getting married, I had to FORCE him not to waste them so that we'd have a honeymoon!
My H also often wastes time on vacations by sleeping in....drives me CRAZY. We miss tours, etc.
I am planning to go to Italy this summer. He wants to go, too. But I don't want him ruining the trip for the SAME reasons you mentioned.
Gosh....do they all act the same way????? The stories on this forum are all so similar to my own life with H!!!
Emotional Control?
Submitted by jlhrva on
Hi Melissa -
Your response here really hit home for me!
I had a very similar experience with my ADHD partner last night - explosive anger, storming out, etc. - because of stress due to our rescue dog, who is definitely a challenge. I was left to deal with the mess and management, while walking on eggshells around his temper when he decided to return. I'm not sure if it was related or not, but this morning we experienced a return or a recurring scene...my ADHD has an expectation of morning intimacy, but will seldom wake up in time for this to be practical, despite alarms, etc. When he does finally wake, he will be sweetness and light, cuddly, paying compliments, etc., until he realizes that I am getting out of bed because I either absolutely have to get ready for work, the dogs are fussy, whatever the case may be. Once he realizes that I am getting up without meeting this expectation, his entire demeanor towards me will change to sullen, withdrawn sulkiness, one-word muttered responses, turning his back, etc.
So, I have a couple of questions for you.
First, what are we, the non-ADHD partners supposed to due in the face of this rageful, mean, nasty behavior at the time it occurs? I don't believe it's fair to expect the original poster to "sleep on the edge of her bed" literally and figuratively, as many of us find ourselves doing. Is this just a concession we must make as part of our choice to stay with ADHD partners; taking the high road, tolerating the outbursts, waiting for the storm to pass?
Second, your response definitely indicated that I need to take my own advice and pursue a discussion of the issue at a more calm time. But (and I could be wrong) I do not have much realistic expectation of this discussion bearing fruit. What I am repeatedly told is simply that his "feelings changed". And if I push on the point that a change in his feelings shouldn't necessitate a change in his treatment of me, when I've done nothing but get out of bed without meeting an expectation that was never realistic to begin with, the response is only "whatever. what do you want me to do, then, so I can do that and you'll stop arguing with me about this?"
Is there a way that I can help him to see that this is not actually normal emotionality? That the rest of the world does not conduct a behavioral 180-degree switch towards someone, changing their entire demeanor and affect, on the basis of a disappointed expectation? That it isn't appropriate or mature to expect me to tolerate what is basically emotional punishment/manipulation, just because he calls it "changing feelings"? I've been in other relationships, and I'm no expert, but I feel like the more normal response here would be to kiss my forehead and say "you're right, no time, maybe tonight?"
I would genuinely appreciate any suggestions or advice for getting through this discussion. I am tired of simply being told that my feelings are "wrong" and would like some real resolution, but i feel that this resolution HAS to start with him acknowledging that his behavior is problematic, and not just brushing me aside and acting like any change is just humoring me.
Unfortunately im not sure how
Submitted by Xoliswthrtox on
Unfortunately im not sure how to conduct a conversation because even in "calm" time, rubbing him the wrong way, even if totally approached from a non-accusing demeanor, will set him off from "calm" time to annoyed. Anytime i start a conversation along the lines of, "hey can we talk..?" Or "i just want to say.." He immediate response is always an annoyed and harsh "WHAT?!" Usually with an eye roll... Im usually thinking i havent even said anything yet, how could you be so hot and bothered! It sucks, but ive sorta come to realize unless i realllllly have to, i dont have these serious conversations with him... I just leave "well enough" alone
You leave the relationship...
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
what are we, the non-ADHD partners supposed to do in the face of this rageful, mean, nasty behavior at the time it occurs?
>>>
You leave. You're not married to him. Why would you stay and subject yourself to this for the next 30-40+ years?
It's not going to change. It's not going to get better. In fact, it's very likely going to get worse...much worse.
So, how can you get out?