Hubby was diagnosed a year or so ago and pursuing medication but it's not going well. I haven't seen any improvement in him at all since we have learned of his disorder and began seeking treatment and counseling. He is seeing a therapist and so am I. We have been together 22 years. About 10 years ago, I told him that whatever the hell was wrong with him was slowly but surely erooding my love and respect for him. I feel that's where I am at. I feel no romantic love for him at all. I have no respect for him at all. His shortcomings in taking care of things as well as his social anxiety among other things have destroyed our relationship. He is a great guy. He deserves to be with someone who loves him. I do love him and want the best for him, but I am so very sad and devasted that my feelings for him have changed. My dream is to fall in love with him again. Is that possible? Anyone else experience something like this? Part of the problem is I feel I have developed as a person over these years...pursued friendships, interests and activities to enjoy life. He works, watches TV and plays video games. He has no friends, no hobbies. People ask him to do activities and he turns them down. Now they don't ask. I am tired of suggesting hobbies or activities for him and he blows me off. I would like a partner who is fun and interested in the world to go through life with. Maybe it's not fair to expect him to be someone he isn't. And we used to be the fairy tale romance everyone envied.
So...is it possible to fall in love again?
Hi Vivien...
Submitted by c ur self on
(He deserves to be with someone who loves him.) If I'm hearing you correctly he isn't very engaging....Work, TV, video games....All me things...If living with him is responsible for your feelings...Why would you wish him on someone else? It seems to me he would fine alone.
Also based on your post, it seems like you feel a little hopeless, which is understandable to some degree....Can you fall in love with him again? Only you can answer that, it will be hard unless you both can communicate your current feelings to each other and care enough to work on changing it....I suggest counseling together at some point, the sooner the better....
Blessings
C
Thanks....update
Submitted by Vivien on
We did start counseling last week with a marriage counselor. I have this horrible feeling in my gut that if we had found her 10 years ago, we would be a ADHD marriage success story. I feel like he is 10 years behind me and I am so far in anger, resentment and grief it's too late. My heart is absolutely breaking over "what could have been".
Try not to do that....
Submitted by c ur self on
I've been there; but, it's never to late to grow and find healing from our pain....Here's you a big hug ( ) from a strange man with a big smile....
C
we all deserve to be loved
Submitted by hollygolightly on
I am struggling with this too right now, While I would have said that we were in a great place a week ago, there has been another big deception uncovered in my marriage.
My husband is a great father, an attentive and attentive spouse at times.. but I have the feeling that a lot of it is because it makes him feel good to be the big man that people look up to. He is involved in our community and local business and local sports. And service clubs. And any committee that he can get involved in,
He is also incredibly selfish. Its like I'm living with two different men. At times I feel hopeless too. It gets harder to keep making excuses for the other person.
we all deserve to be loved
Submitted by hollygolightly on
I am struggling with this too right now, While I would have said that we were in a great place a week ago, there has been another big deception uncovered in my marriage.
My husband is a great father, an attentive and attentive spouse at times.. but I have the feeling that a lot of it is because it makes him feel good to be the big man that people look up to. He is involved in our community and local business and local sports. And service clubs. And any committee that he can get involved in,
He is also incredibly selfish. Its like I'm living with two different men. At times I feel hopeless too. It gets harder to keep making excuses for the other person.
I'm the ADHD Hubby
Submitted by ADHD_Highway_to... on
I see your husband in myself. Sounds like the relationship I'm in now.. . .It is all about me, because I am the one messing up and hurting her, so it goes back to me and she hates it. Help me out from your point of view. . . . . guys like me are used to messing up so many times that we wonder which part to pick up and fix, and if and when we do, what about the other hurts. Also, we do realize that we've hurt you so many times that we wonder if anything we do will ever make a difference, especially after 20+ years.
re:
Submitted by Matt23 on
I was the adhd husband and I lost my marriage of 8 years this summer, and honestly it was probably for the best since she has Bordlerline, and became pretty negative a lot. But it still really really hurts, even though it's been 6 months since. I'm 34 and I have a chance to remarry still, but if you've been there for 22 years, your guy will feel hopeless and be utterly devastated if you leave him. If that's what needs to be done, then that is what needs to be done and he'll have to accept that. But I'd like to share my thoughts if you haven't yet made your decision.
During my marriage, I played video games a lot right when I got home from work because it was my WoW team and it was something successful (and socially successful) for me. She used to respect that and play with me, but that eroded over time. Everything we did together eroded. I kept playing because it was something I valued in my life, and I thought I was entitled to my Me Time. It was a place where others valued my social presence because I am good at the game, and were willing to overlook my behaviors and accept me (they had their own behaviors). But I see it didn't help my marriage at all. The time right when you get home from work is important, that part should be spent together distraction free imo. Walking the dog together was good, but I'd always cut it short so I could logon on time. I regret that, and I see it helped bring my relationship's end.
While the divorce was under way, I decided it was time to make a change. I begged her to stay, and she let me spend another night with her. I quit my team right in front of her. (We were just outside of top 1% in the world, so this was a big deal for me.) The next day she told me it didn't feel right and left anyways. Many things make me mad about that, but I was very frustrated at the lack of willingness on her part to attend counseling and see if we could get back to her respecting me, liking me again, not being embarrassed to be in public with me again. I had invested deeply in this person, but I didn't feel I got that back given how hasty the split was.
If you have it in you to put in work for this person still, give him a chance to show you he'll put in work too. That's all he can reasonably ask for, is a chance.
I traded my WoW team for kickboxing, I set up the class in direct conflict with my gaming team's schedule. Despite the fact she left me, I made this change for me. I have not reverted in the 6 months. If I can do this, your guy can too. That's one thing that's good about us ADHD-ites, i think. Is that we're likely to have fanatical dedication to things we're interested in. That can be positive if channeled the right way. Maybe you can consider if you could find that dedication attractive if it was channeled into another activity.
I think that's one thing you might demand if you decide you still want your marriage to last. Not that he quit gaming outright per se, but that he shows that he can accomplish something like what my kickboxing class is for me, somethign that gives him confidence and gets him around other people and that you might find impressive or attractive.
And get that time right after work back, before ignoring each other for the night. That would have also been key for me. (i.e. meaningful, but doable, demands.)
You say you've told him this already as suggestions. Tell him they're more than suggestions, they're needs. If he doesn't do any work, that's not adhd anymore. That's lack of effort. I don't know where he is, he's going to the meetings so I guess that's something.
I can say this. I don't know how this divorce is affecting my ex, maybe she's hurting or maybe it's been effortless and the best year of her life. I don't know. But I know i have been rocked this year and have suffered countless panic attacks. I am amazed I still have a job tbh. This man is already suffering isolation based on your account of losing his friends, if he loses you it will hit him hard. If he earns that fate, so be it. But if you have it in your heart to work still, I wish i had that chance is all I'm saying.
I am suffering it right now, I feel like I have nothing and like I can't get anyone to be friends with me again or I'll annoy them away like all the others. It takes all my courage just to get through the kickboxing class's doors and I'm taking this year a day at a time. I'm seeing a counselor to navigate through all of this grief and pain, it is that bad. Divorce hits harder than you think it does.
If that's what needs to happen for you, so be it. But this decision's importance cannot be underestimated. I wish you and your guy the very best in finding your proper paths, and I hope my experiences I shared here offer the slightest bit of insight.
I wonder the same thing...
Submitted by honeyblonde on
but I think that it's easy to not feel close when you aren't close anymore. We are trying to figure this stuff out now. I have a lot of feelings and concerns and questions... Just a lot to sort out.
Idk if we will get through this , but I do think that my feelings can be rekindled when I get to a place of him wanting to hold my hand again, or actually being close enough to hug. It should be easier than with someone new and unfamiliar. At this point we are always at odds and are not intimate or even sleeping in the same bed. I feel alone and I don't have a lot of feelings for him. I honestly could leave today.
If your H put down the video game, sat across from you, and made you laugh... Wasn't rushing it to get back to his games, maybe held your hand in the car, I bet the feelings could be rekindled. this is what I'm hoping anyway. I hope to eventually let go of some resentment and be able to trust him enough to let him come close again. Of course, there is the issue of " will he ever do those things?"
We'll see and time will tell.
Our counselor told us that if
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
My husband and I had that fairytale thing going too - until everything got REAL. We have alot of issues to deal with above and beyond ADHD, but nothing unsurmountable if we both are willing to work on things. Right now, he is not. So I am respecting that. However, on paper we are 100% the fairy tale. We have all the same likes for hobbies, we have the same tastes for home, we agree on politics and money, and while we dont have identical musical tastes - we love most of the same stuff, with enough difference to keep things fun (lots of jokes between us on eachothers horrible music pleasures LOL). I cant imagine finding someone else that hit so many of my "must" list, and I cant imagine him finding someone else who would hit his "must" list too. We are compatible on every level, as long as he maintains honest communication with me. All our problems really stem from a history of abuse in his life, and his self defeat and self hatred. If he could conqure those things, I cant see anything ever stopping us. For me, I sometimes dont like him. And many times I dont "feel in love with him"... but love is a verb, its not a feeling. Love is something you CHOOSE. I choose to love him. And the more I choose to love him, the more those "in love" feelings will come. Because the reality is - I do know I love him, even in those moments I would like to stab him in the eyeballs. :-) I know that
Our counselor told us that if the "in love" feelings existed before - then they can be rekindled. I believe it with my whole heart. Those "in love" feelings ebb and flow like the tide. I think when a partner has ADHD it can be alot harder to keep those feelings alive, but its not impossible. What it does take is the partner who has ADHD to take ownership of it, and adjust themselves to compromise with their non spouse. In turn, it takes the non spouse to reset, and release the anger, frustration and hurt from all the neglect and be open to the baby steps from the ADHD spouse. I am not sure which role is harder. Sadly- so many ADHD spouses dont realize until its too late and they loose everything, even when they thought they didnt care. And all you have to do is read posts here and know that they are hit with it when the break truly comes.
HoneyBlonde, you are for sure right in some small things that can rekindle a spark between people. Small touches, subtle details that show the spouse is paying attention. Things like that work for me very well. When my husband and I were in counseling, and he had an ADHD coach, he bought be flowers. I LOVE fresh flowers. They dont have to be fancy, they can be picked from our own yard even... but he got me the most beautiful spring roses ... just because. He knows I love them, and he got them for me - and it really made me feel loved. Its not a huge gesture, but it was a gesture that was OBVIOUS. He also makes a point of getting me what ever I need if he gets up to go to the kitchen, he will also go get me socks at night when my feet are cold and I dont want to move. LOL It took me a while to figure out that was how he showed love - but we worked on figureing out our love languages and that helped.
I would say if you can figure out your spouse's love language, it would be a really good guide to how to re-kindle that love. For me, its physical touch and words of affirmation. For him its acts of service. So our languages are sometimes conflicting... I express love to him in ways that he doesn't take and vice versa. I have been trying to show him love in the same way he shows me - through acts of service. For instance, one of his chores is dishes, so i have been trying to do the dishes for him to show him that I love him through an act of service. This frees up some time that he can relax and takes something off his plate. I cant get them done all the time, but I definately do it when I can. See if your spouse is willing to figure that out, and then once you know - you can work on it.
Not sure if that is helpful or not. I kinda babbled a bit!
So similar
Submitted by LateDiagnosis on
So, I'm the ADHD husband in my marriage...or what's left of it. I have made many personal advances since my diagnosis a little over 2 years ago. I'm coming up on my 8th anniversary, and it's looking like we won't make it to that day. Have I screwed things up? Yes. Have I forgotten things. Definitely. Have I been the easiest to live with? Nope. Have I done any of this on purpose or in an attempt to punish or hurt her? Never! She says she feels like she's dragging me. Like I'm dead weight. I ask her what she means, and there's no real explanation. She says that instead of 40 years old, I'm like a 4 year old in the house. So that's how she treats me. Then wants to know why I balk at her when she gets in that mode.
We had a conversation last night where she once again is calling for us to separate. She tells me I need to be more responsible. To her, that means I pay my own bills. She is the one who pays the bills because my ADHD has made a mess of mine before we were together, and hasn't exactly helped ours in the past. I offered to be responsible for my bills and just pay her my part of the bills every month, but that's not me being responsible. That's me needing a babysitter to her. If she's paying the bill already, what's the big deal if my car, or my phone, or my name is a part of that bill? Nothing. She doesn't want our names tied together any longer. She has been the least encouraging person in my life with my dealing with ADHD. My bosses, my friends, my employees, my family, our church, her counselor, and so many others give me more encouragement and support. She feels nothing anymore she says, and I'm clueless. I spend all my time trying to better myself and take care of the things I need to do, to the point, my hobbies are put to the side. I put myself last in order to beat this evil condition that plagues me. But to her, I'm selfish. My family says go, but it's hard when I truly love my wife, and I don't want to end it, especially with a 3 year old daughter. I need that girl of mine, and my wife, in my life daily as a way to keep me grounded.
I have made great strides in my self confidence as of late, and I'm truly happy with "me" for the first time in my 40 years. I am the one who's love language is physical touch and words of affirmation. Hers is acts of service. I can do do so, but only get, "why not this?" or "Why this way?" We sleep in separate rooms, and she refuses to communicate. There are no attempts to appeal to my love languages. I touch her shoulder and she shudders away like I have the plague or something. It hurts so bad. Couples counseling only works for a day or two, and then it's back to the same old routine. The posts above all sound so similar, so I get I needed to spill here this time. Any insight helps. Thanks!
Late Diagnosis, please read!
Submitted by Vivien on
Hi there,
Your post really got to me. I am so sorry and I know exactly what your wife is going through. I want to give you an update on my situation and maybe you will find some avenue of hope. I made that post over a year ago. A LOT has changed since then. It was not easy, cheap, or quick, but I think we are on the road to success. My ADHD husband is still searching for the right medication/dose. That has been really hard for him. But we think he is now on the right medication, just working on the dose he needs. I am seeing a LOT of progress with him being medicated. He is also exercising a bit now and that helps. I think the medication has unlocked whatever was in his brain that kept him from functioning. His brain works better.
In addition, we did start seeing a marriage counselor who specializes in ADHD and addiction. You might be shocked at how similar alcoholism is to ADHD from the perspective of the non-ADHD spouse. Our counselor has been the key for us. She has been really good at facilitating my forgiving my husband. Conversely, she has helped him to see the real impact this has had on me, to not feel bad about it, but to focus on moving forward. I know I could never have moved past that without her help. It has been very hard on us both. I learned a lot about how I had made things worse/harder for him and how to not feel bad about it anymore. She also has given us some tasks to do, like direction on how to split up tasks, responsibilities, etc. In the beginning, we saw her once a week, then ever two weeks, then once a month. Now we are going every 6 weeks.
I think we will make it. Don't give up hope. If you are open to counseling, I would sit her down and say that you want the marriage to work more than anything. That she is important, how she feels about you is important and you hope she wants to take steps toward happiness also. Then, find a counselor that deals with ADHD asap. It's expensive...because our counselor doesn't take insurance. but I figure it's cheaper than a divorce! Your marriage may not make it, but PLEASE pursue counseling and medication options for yourself so even if your marriage doesn't work out, you still give yourself every opportunity to feel good about yourself, be functional, and ready for a happy life. It can happen if you put in the work...I promise. My husband is SO much calmer and positive about his life and his future. He will struggle with this for the rest of his life, but I am so proud of him he is taking steps to figure it out.
The bottom line is, with good counseling for us both, with medication for him, we have been able to take steps toward forgiveness, understanding and hope. We went on our first "date" in about 10 years a few weeks ago. To my surprise, I saw more of the guy I used to love so desperately. That's because I am learning to let go of the anger and resentment that clouded how I saw him for so many years.
Best of luck and don't give up hope for yourself.
Question of the day
Submitted by MrsADD on
I am struggling with this too right now. Being in love with my ADHD H who I cannot depend on my life for. I accept that he has adhd, I am trying to learn to not expect but deal with the reality and find solutions that make me happy and help me when I need help. I am forging my own path in life and making my dreams come true and not expecting him to be part of them. But what do I do with him? I am not in love. I have no desire to try to be in love anymore b/c each time I have tried it ends within a few months of doing great then back to the same BS. My last hurrah to try to save my marriage and get on the same page in March ended with him totally derailing all plans we discussed and telling me to leave b/c I was not in favor of his hair brained impulsive idea and then I found out a week later I was pregnant with our third child. I am now 8 months pregnant, and just done fighting the fight to try and make anything work. I just want to be left alone and raise my kids and work on my dreams and goals. Not sure falling in love again is in order. The sad part is after all this struggle he finally started seeing a psychiatrist in September and finally got officially diagnosed as having ADHD, and wants to have this guy do couples therapy. And now I have nothing left in me. I feel like he is on a mission to accomplish "wining me back " as he states it, right now for me it is like a land mine waiting to go off if I start walking.
I am so sorry you are going
Submitted by Vivien on
I am so sorry you are going through this. It's SO hard and frustrating to the non-ADHD spouse. I will give you an update on my situation and maybe that might help you make your decision. Basically, my husband is now properly medicated and we have been attending marriage counseling for two years with a very effective therapist who has experience and understanding of ADHD. When I made my original post, I really meant everything I said, and assumed we would be splitting up. However, we are in a much better place these days. Our therapist worked a lot with him to understand the impact his disorder has had on me, my self esteem, my happiness, how unattractive I found him, the effect on our daughters, etc. She works with me on letting go of the anger, forgiveness, setting boundaries, etc. Together, we are getting back to happiness....but it's been HARD. I mean, really hard. Lots of tears, lots of guilt, lots of bombshell revelations. I kept at it because I told myself as long as I am seeing progress, it's easier to get counseling than to split up. I also wanted to avoid the impact of splitting up on our daughters. We have always co-parented very well and I wanted to make sure splitting up was because there was no other option. If I didn't think my husband was capable or willing to acknowledge the facts of how ADHD affects spouses, I would have left. Fortunately, he gets it. He is much less resistant to me pointing out when his disorder is rearing it's ugly head. We put lots and lots of things in place to help us manage. For instance, we bought a new tree. He said he wanted to be the one to water it correctly. When the tree place was reviewing those procedures, I told him I wasn't going to listen so I didn't judge how he was doing it, and then take over. I walked away while he got the instructions. He still screwed it up, but it meant he had to call the tree place...I did not take over because I didn’t know what the correct way was and we agreed this was his responsibility. I hope that makes sense. When he needs to get something done, I tell him to put it on his phone's calendar/agenda. If he screws it up, it's on him and he deals with the fallout. If it's something that can not get screwed up, like with our daughters, I take care of it. When things come up, I bring it up right then and there, using language the therapist uses. There are tons of other ways we have adjusted our interactions to avoid the pitfalls and chaos we used to experience. That keeps the anger, disappointment, and resentment down on my part, and keeps him from feeling like an idiot, or a “screw up”.
We started off with weekly counseling. After a few months, we went to every other week. After two years, we now go about every 6-8 weeks. We have an agenda of things we want to review with her when we go. It’s expensive, but I feel it’s been worth it. We may keep going for years, but as long as we are making progress, I think it’s better than splitting up. Even if we did end up splitting up, effective counseling would have helped us both come to that realization and helped with how to go through that. So either way, I suggest you try the couples counseling.
For us, the right therapist was the most crucial part. If you decide to do couples therapy, it is vital you find someone experienced in ADHD. In addition, you both need to be totally open to taking a hard look at what you have done to contribute to the damage and be open to resolving that and moving forward.
At this point, I think we will stay together. We even went on a date for our recent wedding anniversary and I actually enjoyed his company. That was a very pleasant surprise. It seems as long as he is medicated, functional, and open to having things pointed out, we can keep this thing going. I have also worked very hard to correct my part of our marriage damage. And that will be a lifelong process...but I figure that's what marriage is anyway, right? :-)
I wish you all the best and if I can give you any other insight on my situation, please let me know.
Hi Vivien...
Submitted by c ur self on
This is such an encouraging post, it's the kind I love seeing here...It only seems like yesterday you wrote the one at the top of the page...I just want to commend you both for pushing past (doing the work) all the barriers, in order to move into a more positive place....And I agree w/ you, it's a life long process:)
Blessings
C
Want to reconcile
Submitted by manny31 on
Any help would be welcomed,
I have just recently come to grips with my ADHD, in as much that I am finally getting some help in addition to meds. Long story short I am just now starting to realize how much my behaviors impacted my wife in a really bad way. I know I personally have a long way to go, my wife and I have been separated for about 7 months and it has been about 2 years since our marriage really started to head South. I desperately want us to see a marriage counselor. We did this before but he really wasn't any help at all. How do I get my wife to go to counseling? She is convinced our marriage is dead. It might be but in my opinion we never had a chance the way it was but maybe just maybe we do now. I don't know what to tell her, I told her I thought we should try one last time. We are going on 21 years of marriage and a bunch of great kids. Love to hear any suggestions especially from non ADHD spouses. Thank you.
Manny31,
Submitted by Vivien on
Manny31,
I am so sorry you guys are going through this. I would say without good marriage counseling from someone VERY knowledgeable about ADHD, it doesn't look good. I hate to be a downer, but I really think it's vital for an expert to guide you both through the very tough conversations that will need to happen. Basically, I think you start with apologizing. Apologize, apologize, apologize. My husband went through a process where he resisted and resisted apologizing since he never meant to hurt me. With the counselor's help, he was able to see his intent didn't matter.. the impact of his actions did a ton of damage. When he finally did apologize to me and listed all the things he was regretting, it had a HUGE impact on my ability to start to forgive. There was a lot of hurt over the years and it has to be acknowledged, worked through, and then a game plan put in place to handle stuff going forward. I never judged my husband for his failures due to ADHD, I was pissed he resisted acknowledging how it affected me for 20 years. I also apologized to him for continually bringing up stuff from years ago to pummel him with when I was upset. I don't do that anymore. I have no doubt we wouldn't have gotten through that stage of healing without a professional. Our counselor has extensive experience in alcoholism and ADHD. You might be shocked at how very similar they are from the spouse's point of view. Maybe the doctor who is prescribing your meds knows of a good counselor. Start f looking for one. Even if you both don't go, it would be helpful for you to go and work through the stuff that ADHD does to your self esteem. My husband is still working through what he calls "The Shame Spiral". With each realization of how his behavior impacted me and our relationship, he has to reconcile it all again. So even if your wife isn't willing to go with you, you can still get some assistance for yourself going forward.
My husband and I still have a ways to go. 20 years of damage doesn't go away in 2 years. But we are in a better place now and I am hopeful we can keep progressing. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Best wishes to you both and I hope she is willing to go with you.