My name is Dave and I have high level ADHD. I am married to the most wonderful, beautiful, caring, sweet, empathetic woman in the world. After being married to me for over 13 years and she is STILL with me proves it. About six months ago, she was done. Done with me being defensive about everything, mean to her, not helping in raising our two girls while she NEVER slept AND worked to pay our bills. I went and did what I thought was important, I had my ENTIRE priority list upside down, and I really had no clue what I was doing. I could not EVER figure out when she would cry and beg me to help or be nice in these situations, and I was flippant. As I look back, I was the champion jerk. I would always say to her later how much I love her, care for her, and love our kids, but for the life of me NOT figure out why I could be so heartless. Did I mention that K is incredible? We have always been honest, true, and trusting with each other, so no other outside influences...just me.
We decided to see a counselor who is an expert in marriage, and I found last night an expert in ADHD. I have been in a middle school teacher for 24 years, I knew I had it...my report cards showed it. My nine year old now has it too. My point? I had to idea until last night there was a correlation between my ADHD and my lack of husbandry/fatherly behavior. I am not diagnosed, I just know since I have filled out millions of forms, had trainings, and thousands of kids in my class. I am a the poster adult for this...and I have always been upbeat and positive about having ADHD. Not any more.
Last night, after the counselor suggested, or stated, that this condition of ours has had a DIRECT correlation to us. I found you all today. After reading MANY of the posts, situations, stories you could just plug our names into many of them....it is us. I am happy to know this, but EXTREMELY SCARED and worried I have pushed my wife over the edge. I have self medicated for years.....beer, wine, marijuana. It helped a lot. I was never fall down bad, never slurred, always happy/content....BUT I found, after talking six months ago with my wife, that I was always checked out, not 'present' enough to be emotionally involved in my family. My wife did it all.....I worked, coached and reffed wrestling, and whatever else I THOUGHT was what I should be doing. ANY TIME she would so sweetly bring up anything-kids, money, work, childcare- I would get defensive, rude, mean, and she would cry. I never knew why I would do that to her...to my love, my everything...she is my best friend.
I have changed over the last five months. I have read books on why I am a terrible husband. I have read books on how I have hurt and crushed my wife's spirit and esteem. I have not had one drink, pill, smoke, NOTHING. I have begun meditation for about two weeks now. All of this has helped. No more lies, empty promises, lip service. My wife needs me to prove to her how much I love and care for her and my two beautiful girls. I know she is hurt IMMENSELY......really bad.
What I want to know....be honest...non ADHD people...when she says show her and work for her to prove this....do you have advice? She said the last four months have been amazing, but when she sees me or we talk, she slides back into that hell and pain. I am living somewhere else for the month of February for her to begin healing and for me to continue to work on myself. We just want advice from people LIKE me and from people who live with partners like me, that KNOW our daily struggles? She is done with the lip service and the longevity of my actions will be the factor. Are there signs or factors for me to be on the lookout for? I want to be the one who puts in ALL of the work.....It is time for ME to feel it and let her heal.
I cannot lose my wife and family now....I see it! I get it. I hope it isn't too late.
Thank you ahead of time for any feedback....
Dave
Partner of A Hi Level Amped up ADHD guy
Submitted by Abfab18 on
So, last night I lost it on my husband and here is what goes on for us partners. First, understand how we have for years seen some wild stuff. I mean,
I've watched my husband scale a 22 ' wall without a holster when we had a rock climbing wall at our past fitness studio. Also, I've seen him burn things,
not watch our kids while walking thru parking lots, not your average stuff. He blew it off as how his clients/ guys are like that. Yet, no. Because he
hasn't been able to connect. He grew up with parents who didn't connect well, so while he is a loving person, he doesn't have parameters about
how to stay connected or deep for long. He comes home, spins around, and for us partners, it's like "I love him, and he's home now, yet here is
the tornado, here he is." He bumps into me in the kitchen, he shrinks shirts (I now have a basket so he knows to not touch that laundry; after saying it
for years and his still having to just be OCD and do things around the house). ADHD is an interesting thing cause outsiders see it as, "Wow, look at
how lucky you are, he helps around the house, " or "Wow he is such a go-getter," or "Wow, he is funny, dynamic and wild!" Many times people don't get
that there is amount of survival ya have to do around that if you arent that way. I do my thing and here is the other thing. MY parnter never, and I mean never
has to worry for one day that I wont' get scattered while watching our twin 8 year olds. He never has to worry that I'll blurt out wild stuff on FB (one time he
and I were upset, and bam, he goes online to comment in a post! I was flabbergasted and told him, and he was like, "OK< OK< I'll take it down, nobody saw it."
We don't wanna hear "I love you soo soo much, you are awesome, look how great you are, " I tell him that that is like being my sidekick on some show like you're a sidekick '
either rebelling or yessing to death. We don't want that. We wanna hear, 'How are you feeling?" "What is goig on with you today" and then glue yourself into the couch for about
30 minutes and hang out without TV or the phone. We want to take a walk on the beach holding hands or have date nights alone. COVID makes that tough, but you get the idea. We
aren't expecting big, grand things. Just listen to our details, then run to your phone when we aren't right there, and use MEMO notes and remember the details. Here is why:
We remember your details. We know how it is, we think about your family, your friends, your details. And, we follow through. We mess up in how we say it, yet we need to work
extra hard. I'm comparing it in my mind now to guys I dated who didn't have ADHD. 3 guys in my life, where I lived with the person, and they were present, they were able to pause,
talk over dinner, not be on phone excessively, or feel the need to bounce all over the house. It takes time and work. Last night we had a big blowout and his being sarcastic,
or passive aggressive or pusing buttons, well he has no idea he's doing it and is in major therapy, finally, with the right person.
For 10 years I've begged him and now he is doing it. Yet last night I had to pause and say, "Ill stop picking you apart, when you stop acting like I should
trust you every second over night, it doesn't work like that. So, my point is, you will probably have to get incredibly patient, you might be that way
as a person, and my husband is an extreme example of horrible childhood, was beaten by his dad, I mean he had a tough time, as did I.
We love each other. That is not in question, yet exercises, groups, her findin this website and getting on it, first day for me here in this,
well I think that's the way to do it. My husband' protocol is, he has a therapist, he has a psychiatrist, he does group and now he even has
an ADHD sponsor. His component he is going to also work on is commjnication groups. I hope this gives feeback, though I'm hardliner about it.
I am not going to candy coat any of it. you are probably a great person yet this is how it all feels. Overwhelming, a wild ride, waiting and praying for calm,
waiting for moments, trying to get the person to do moments, you name it. I feel badly you go through this, I really do. I send you my best. I'm sure
with work things can heal up in time. Yet remember, it takes time and requires your patience now, as you said. That was a great thing you said. Thanks.
Hey Abfab
Submitted by DaveinNIdaho on
Hey, thank you so much for your comments. Sounds like you are having a rough go as well. I am so surprised,with all I know about kid ADHD, I had no idea it would effect me as a big boy. I have taken this on full bore. My wife says it too....I don't want to hear change, I want to see it. Does he use meds? And if so, which one?
Thanks again for sharing all of this...I truly appreciate it.
Dave
Info
Submitted by Abfab18 on
Thanks for your kindness, and I'm happy to help. It's not an easy thing to have ADHD and I realize that. Siince my husband is in great hands these days, finally (while I'm learning to go day to day and be patient) I'm more than happy to help people not jump all over with random and to combine the natural things with the medicine, too. Balance.
Before you read what my husband is taking..please be sure to go get your hormones tested and looked over to see your noredrenaline (aka epanephrine levels), to see where you are .That is so critical and often people don't realize how hormones can also affect the ADHD big time. A Neuro Psychiatrist can help with the combination of what you need best.
My husband takes this now:
NOTE: obviously, every person is an individual and it will be different in what will work, etc
His protocol is this:
40 mg Vyvanse in morning ..and
200 mg of L Thianine (you can get that on amazon .all natural..just get purest one)
1950 mg of Ashwaganda (often used for ADHD natural helps for calm all day) best brand is Physicians Choice.
At 3pm he takes second L Thianine and second Ashwaganda (same mg as abovestated).
By 6pm he takes 5 mg of Vyvanse and one more L Theanine.
I hope this helps!
Be well.
Another note,.he had hormone oaenk and was tested for ADHD years ago and has known it was high level of ADHD etc. This protocol was prescribed by his Dr.
5 of the Vivance in the afternoon at about 6pm...Dr told him take it at end of the day. Also, Ashwaganda (very very popular for ADHD people to take it with their meds because it helps for sleep and anxiety..he takes it in the morning .and then again at night (Physicians choice on amazon) his Dr told him to get to combine with it. He also takes L the anime. Ev
Wow! That's a lot of
Submitted by DaveinNIdaho on
Wow! That's a lot of information. Thank you so much, enjoy your weekend!
You're welcome
Submitted by Abfab18 on
Listen, every person is different but go for it. Go after it like a bull!
Because once you get hormones and meds and therapy , all of that support will be great and then,
you will connect with your wife and you both can actually have time for fun like when you began.
Sending support always. My husband and I always send support, his clients know he works on it, (he's into
Neuro health etc so it goes with it all) and its a lifetime thing of accepting, adjusting it, and like everyone,
whatever you work on, will come back as progress.
Best to you always
I am planning on it and have
Submitted by DaveinNIdaho on
I am planning on it and have begun! I am NOT losing my wife and kids to this thing now that I am aware and educated. Thanks again!
Have a great day, Bull in Progress
Communication!
Submitted by Dagmar on
I know you are saying that the other shoe isn't going to drop, but I doubt that you haven't made your wife similar assurances in the past, right? She had enough, so you made changes, but you always end up in the same place. Four months IS a long time, but it's not as long as you've been together.
You need to tell her, every single day, exactly what you're doing. It may seem stupid, it may seem ridiculous, but you need to tell her. Walk in the door every day and say what you did to make things different. "I paid all the bills today, even though they aren't due until next week. I set out my clothes for tomorrow. I set a reminder in my phone to remember to do something. I stopped to get gas because I only had 1/8 of a tank left." It's not only going to keep you from putting things off because you know you have to tell her, but she is going to know she isn't going to have to drop everything and pick you up on the side of the road again, or whatever tiny thing you think is no big deal, but for her it means that she can never relax because this stuff is going to happen again.
Like, in my relationship, something as simple as meeting my husband somewhere is so exhausting. I have to remind him and call him and watch for him. I can't zone out and stare off into space I need to watch for him and literally jump in front of the car to make sure he stops.
There is some incredibly simple task that no one else even gives a second thought that has to take up your wife's entire day to make sure you are doing it. So do not think anything is too dumb to tell her. "I charge my phone at work so it won't die when you need to get in touch with me. I put my wallet by the door so I won't forget it. I put a note on the bathroom mirror to remind myself to floss."
I love it, but luckily I am
Submitted by DaveinNIdaho on
Thank you for the feed back, much appreciated Luckily I am not like that, it ever late, etc I have been late to work once in 24 years....power blinked off my clock.
I do need a white board or something. If, like today, she said maybe the dogs to get nails clipped and drummeled. It came up twice last week, but at bed time, so it slips out of my head. So, when they went to brunch this morning with theladies, I took the dogs. It's a process. I am never going back if I can help it....
I'm saying this with kindness
Submitted by Dagmar on
But you see what you did there. You took what I said to make it solely about the things I listed. They were just examples. But you need to understand that your wife would have gotten the dogs nails clipped herself without mentioning it to you if she just wanted the dog's nails to be clipped. The reason she brought it up is because you weren't proactive about it. And based on what you said before, the reason it "came up" was because in the past you reacted badly when she asked you to do it. So the first time she asks you to do something, you should treat it like she has asked you a few times before. You didn't forget because it was bedtime. You forgot to take care of it before she brought it up.
Again, I'm saying this with kindness, but this is the kind of thing that will make her think you aren't making progress. She doesn't want to ask you to do anything. She wants you to notice the dog's nails are too long and take care of it. And this is the kind of thing I want you to tell her. "I noticed the dog's nails were too long so I made an appointment."
It's the having to manage stuff like this that is weighing down your wife. It weighs on her that you are relying on her to tell you to do things, and although you have worked to not be snappy or defensive or whatever it was you were doing when she would ask you in the past, you're still making her ask you and that is her problem.
Awesome! Thank you so much.
Submitted by DaveinNIdaho on
Awesome! Thank you so much. That was what I am looking for. I did many things else today in the way you mentioned. I totally get it. AND not tell her too though, right? Not seem like,'Look what I did!'. Just do it! True? Be independent thinking...
Thank you so much. I am very glad for all the advice shared here. I took it with kindness, but sternly works well too. You were extremely kind to share your thoughts.
No no tell her!
Submitted by Dagmar on
Oh good, I'm glad I didn't offend you. I'm pretty direct and when I try and soften a message I come off as condescending, so I get nervous sometimes.
You SHOULD tell her! Not just so she knows you're making progress, but so she knows not to worry about the things you're doing.
But if you tell her beforehand, make damn sure you follow through. Fixing something that wouldn't have been an issue if it had been done correctly in the first place is the bane of the non-adhd spouse's existence.
I have been teaching middle
Submitted by DaveinNIdaho on
I have been teaching middle schoolers and acting like one for far too long to get offended.
Thanks again!
Your wife is doing her best
Submitted by ErinInPNW23 on
Hi Dave,
I'm a non-adhd partner to my ADHD almost husband (engaged to be married this summer). Your situation sounds extremely painful and sad, and I'm so sorry to hear your painful story.
My thoughts are mostly about your wife, though, since she is the one I can relate to most. My feelings of trust for my partner change all the time based on what he does everyday. If he's really good at showing up for dinner on time and prioritizing me, I'm so happy. Happy and thankful beyond belief that he has finally got it. He's got it on lock. Then the next minute he'll do something wrong we have have talked about 1000x, something he knows matters to me but he won't give it the thought it needs. The task won't be done, the thought won't be had. And I will immediately backslide into deep anger and resentment. How could I have trusted him? Why did I even go there when I know he's just going to mess up again?
my advice to you is this: Be consistent. You sound like you have the love the size of a planet for your wife. It sounds like you have the energy to do this. I need consistency from my partner. That is the only thing that makes me trust him. We talk between us about "filling our patience wells". Her well is empty. You have to fill it back up so that sometimes a cup or two can be drained. You cant take from an empty well. And believe me, it takes a long time to fill. So be patient. And understand that your wife probably needs years to heal.
i would also talk openly with your wife about your experience with ADHD. One of the biggest things that helps me is knowing what my partner's life has been like having the disorder and the pain that comes with it. In Orlov's book she talks about cultivating empathy for your spouse (def read this book btw it's very good and helpful) and how it can help with reconciliation. Talking with your spouse TOTALLY OPENLY and only if she can handle it about your ADHD might help you a lot.
Thank you so much. I'm doing
Submitted by DaveinNIdaho on
Thank you so much. I'm doing the best I can and I'm half way though her book too!
Thank you for the helpful advice. I truly appreciate it. I am giving it all I got!
We just talked about what you said. I will be using everything I have been learning. I feel so bad for just never knowing.
Thank you again!
To Dave
Submitted by Giorgia on
Hello Dave,
Your original post is filled with a lot of understanding and insight. It seems like you were able to look at your relationship and your own behaviour with a very new lenns, and you didn't like what you saw.
I believe you are already in a place where most of the ADHD partners are not. Taking full responsibility and wanting to change, seeking the advice from another no ADHD patterns.
Well I am one of those. During 4 year old relationship I diagnosed my partner with ADHD. It took me approximately 2,5 years to figure him out. Till then so many things were not making sense to me.
How can he be so mean and at the same time be so nice and acting like everything is ok. How can he be so ignorant towards me and at the same time act like we have a good time.
How did I find out he had ADHD? Just one random late evening after fighting about something ridiculous, me being desperate and searching for the answers on the internet, because I couldn't put together why was I so unhappy in my relationship? And then everything was there, from the inattention, through forgetfulness, not following through, to angry outbursts and addictive behaviour.
I told him about the diagnose, from then it has been a process, of him accepting the diagnose after he read the book I gave him. "Driven to distraction". Also for him it was I think some kind of relief knowing there are other people who get him and that many things were not his fault but his disadvantage. He also takes certain pride still for ADHD, he says that's who he is and that he wants to be accepted for who he is. He didn't feel fully accept his whole life I guess, mainly at school or some friends etc.
So from a partnership he expects full acceptence. But he is not realising that it's not him that I don't accept but it is his behaviour that is hurtful to me that I can't accept. And if I would accept it it would mean I don't value myself.
And here just a few thoughts may be for you and your wife. The thing is, your wife has been belittled, put down, not supported and ignored for a way too long (by a person she is supposed to trust the most and who is supposed to be supporting her.) It was like this for so long that it is was very unhealthy. And could cause serious mental and physical health problems. At the same time the same person - you - were there with her physically present, and loving her and being with her, often optimistic. She chose you and she loves her family therefore she always wanted to choose you. But there is this thing, that in case it's too unhealthy for her.. then she might be no more help for her family. And this is important to acknowledge. She might be honestly on the edge. Where it's very hurtful to go again and again to the same waters, where she can't breathe. Literally, she can't breathe. You couldn't see for so long, what she was trying to show, you could not hear for so long what she was trying to tell you. She was screaming yet you still couldn't hear and now she can't breathe because she used all the ways how to reach you how to make you see and realise what she needs. What she needs to be happy in this relationship that she wants so much to work.
What she has been missing?
You listening. She has been missing that you actually want to ask her. And then you want to listen. And then you really listen. And that you are there and you are quite and you can just be. That you can see the world through her eyes sometimes.
She has been missing that you plan - that you plan ahead and you talk about the plans with her. She was missing that you talk about what concerns you, what you are worried about and what do you want to do with that. What are the steps you want to take.
Se has been fed up with you randomly deciding in a moment. Does not matter what it is whether it's a good or a bad decision but just the fact that you didn't think about it a second ago and now you decided based on a very short moment that can drive her crazy and make her feel very unsafe. She hopes you could plan with her together and enjoy it. If you could see things in your head that didn't happen yet or are not right in front of your eyes. It's not only about walking on that beach just you two at the evening after you suggested yourself to go. That's not enough, she hopes your mind would be there as well, not wondering around the current beach or focusing on one random topic. But being able to talk to her about the plans you have with her, with kids with the family, where do you want to go as a family and what you can look forward to.
She wants to be again feeling excited what you could achieve as a couple together and not just feel like surviving.
Sending a lot of love.
Take care xxx