Almost every book and article I've read mentions how most nonADHD spouses get into the habit of nagging and criticizing, etc. In our house, that didn't happen. When I would ask for him to take something on or to help, he would get so angry, even though I was only asking. Very often, that very first request would elicit the "stop nagging me" accusation, even though it was the first request. And I wanted to avoid his anger so much that I didn't ask anymore. Plus, he didn't get angry and then change later. He just got angry. Eventually we stopped talking about much of anything concerning the family. I've just always run the house and the family, and he seems to like it that way.
But no one talks about what changes to make when the nonADHD spouse withdraws. That's clearly me. I know it probably isn't a good coping method, either. (For one, I enabled him to just keep avoiding doing anything he didn't want to do besides go to work and do his hobbies. And for two, I have to somehow be ok with him not being happy.)
So... can we discuss this? Am I in some tiny minority?
Here is my view of your post....
Submitted by c ur self on
You are being Used....His life without you wouldn't be near as complete (organized etc...) He has learned how to keep you in line, (anger and negativism) while keeping himself freed up from sharing in the responsibilities that daily life demands in order to have this complete organized life...
You on the other hand want unity and shared responsibility in place as you work to get to the end of each day....(The work it takes to get to the end of the day and maintain your need for organization)
That's the problem....He just wants to enjoy what you supply...He would never supply it for himself....You want him to be who he is not....
There is never a way to get to unity in this type marriage....UNLESS one of you change! After 10 years my wife and I have both moved toward the middle a little.....Of course that is after over 8 months of counseling and 11 months of separation...
Boundaries are usually the answer!....If you don't keep your world small and manageable you will wear yourself out.....I know; my spouse is all in on new things, new places, new adventure's new pet's etc.... that take work and dedication to maintain...But she is way short on producing the effective energy it takes to maintain the product of a busy life....
As for as withdrawing...I think it's a must for most non's, because of the lack of, and inability to have unity....You will always find the same unwilling partner when you try to engage him in anyway that isn't frivolity or doesn't feed his selfish desires....There is a healthy withdrawal for us, and it is even respectful of ourselves and them...It's recognizing the different desires that stop the ability to communicate in a loving and kind manner....
Any time you ignore his reality and how different it is from you own...(no matter if you agree w/ his or not) and begin to press your ideas into his closed mind....You will suffer the whirlwind....
Blessings
C
You are so right
Submitted by Brindle on
Those are conclusions I came to, too. Yes, he likes to be free of responsibility as much as possible. Yes, he enjoys what I provide.
(Oops, hit the button too early. Editing to add what else I wanted to say...)
So withdrawing isn’t so bad after all? At least I didn’t create a lot of regret in how I treated him, I guess?
I do have some boundaries. I’m sure I need more. Maybe more boundaries will be needed after the kids are gone. Right now they are my helpers in our family life, as he refuses.
Same here
Submitted by adhd32 on
It was just easier to just take on the task myself then hope it was ever going to be done. "Just leave it" the experts say it's his mess. I can't cook in dirty pans or prepare food on a dirty counter so what I do? I do what you probably do, clean up so I can get dinner ready! The smarter thing to do would have been to not make dinner and tell H that since his mess is still waiting to be cleaned up I couldn't cook. However, this tact would have lead to nothing good as he too is always irritated about being called on his empty promises.
I don't know what the answer is. He chose himself along time ago. After trying to get my H involved in things with the family only to have him sabotage things with his juvenile behavior and complaining I concentrated on myself and raising the kids. My deep down feeling is that there will never be any lasting change or consideration for anyone other then himself. Every decision H makes is based on himself and what inconvenience his choice would have on HIM, not the family. I think H lacks something in his brain which prevents him from feeling empathy. It is the only explanation I can come up with for the crass and callous behavior my H exhibits.
Yes, I just had to do it
Submitted by Brindle on
He saw things as a “you can’t make me do it” like it was a power struggle he had to win, I think. He will say things are ultimatums when they aren’t. And messes of his own that don’t pose a health issue can sit for literally years and months because I refuse to do them.
You're Not Alone
Submitted by quesara1979 on
Hi Brindle-
If I can provide any reassurance, you are not alone in this. I've been with my husband for 7 years and I've had to navigate the stormy ADHD world in my marriage. We found out a few years ago that he has ADHD and things started to make sense on where issues were coming from. I went from expressing my needs/wants in a friendly and gentle way and it evolved to crying and feeling hopeless. I couldn't handle the way he turned it back on me and how it was all my issue - I was constantly being told by everyone that maybe my expectations were just too high. I couldn't figure out what that meant - because I couldn't even expect him to keep his word on a commitment he made. And when that commitment was broken, it was because of some lame-ass excuse or pressure he was getting from me. Anytime we would get to a breaking point, he would make suggestions to fix it - but then he came back with an excuse as to why that one didn't work.
It was finally to the point where I was done. It was just easier for me to do it and avoid him all together. If he wants to go into his office for the entire night and smoke pot - that was his choice. I'll do my own thing. The problem with that is that I am not emotionally walled up and there isn't much room for him to wiggle. I have no tolerance and hate the person I am with him. I'm not the wife I want to be and I feel like we've just have gone too far for me to try and let him fix it.
I totally feel your pain and I'm just as lost as you are. I wish someone could just tell us what to do!
Yes, quesara1979
Submitted by Brindle on
Yup, just easier to do it and avoid him altogether. I wonder, too, if this whole thing has gone too far, too. He's figuring out that I'm shutting down on several relationship levels, and it's jogging him, but also he comes back with angry accusations that I have no idea where he's coming from. It mostly seems like a way to deny the seriousness of the situation.
I wish I had an answer....but
Submitted by Jess8 on
I wish I had an answer....but I know how you feel. I very rarely ask my husband to do anything, and when I do, it's still a very slim chance it'll get done....he's medicated for his ADHD but I often find he only hypes the medicine up when it works to his advantage....and when it doesn't? i get the "you need to understand I don't always know when I do this" or "You realize i can't always control this" or "i am working on it", yet the medicine is working wonderfully....until it involves something I have a problem with (my perception anyways). Apologies can only go so far. I am not sure what you mean when you say you have withdrawn, do you mean in the sense you've withdrawn from all situations that involve you asking him to do something? I know i've done the same...but i don't find it to be healthy. Now I have found myself "withdrawing" emotionally....also not healthy. I feel defeated, alone, helpless, lost, and felt as I am being expected to adapt to his ADHD diagnosis and all that comes with it...yet he doesn't have to provide the same courtesy to me? That isn't fair...I fully understand his diagnosis, i fully accept it, but i can't continue to be alone in a marriage...which is exactly what this is causing. I hope you find what works for you, sorry for my rant, I just joined and have so much to say and ask around here. I am excited to have seen your post those and realizing there are many in the same boat.
Yes, Jess8
Submitted by Brindle on
Yup, like I said up there to quesara, that's where I am, too, on asking him to do anything. If I can at all work around him, I do. If there are things I can't do, I try to see if I can just live without them being done. So yes, in those ways I have withdrawn. But I've also withdrawn in other ways. Emotionally, of course. I can't feel romantic or warm and fuzzy toward someone who for years has not been interested in helping me when I'm hurting or drowning. I don't even try to initiate conversations much anymore. He isn't interested in whatever i have to say. If it is about the kids or a problem, he's clearly not wanting to hear it. He only wants the funny stories, the cute stories... but even then, he may just stare at me and barely smile. He's just not *there* when we talk. None of us are as important as how he wants to spend his spare time. So, yeah... lots of withdrawing. I don't know how else I can survive it emotionally.
No worries about the rant - we all need to know others understand!