So I'm doing pretty well with my husband's ADHD. For example, I'm not nagging. I'm not arguing, and generally letting go of my anger. I'm not making his emergencies my emergencies (rescuing). However, I cannot hide my disappointment.
There were several let-downs this weekend. He took an extra couple of days off work to finish some long over-due house projects. He got a little done (like 15%), but spent a lot of time playing video games. He didn't go to church on Sunday so he could stay home...and play video games. He's late to dinner because...he is playing video games. This morning he could not find his wallet as he is leaving town for a business trip.
So, I'm not yelling or nagging, but I'm disappointed (and sometimes hurt). This, apparently, makes my husband feel bad. It seems my disappointment makes me an unsupportive (mean) wife. Also, my disappointment is eroding his self-confidence because I don't "believe in him." (This makes it that much harder for him to work at anything). His response to my disappointment seems to be anger at my "lack of empathy." For example, this morning I didn't want to give him my debit card because it's not my fault he lost his wallet. Also. It's inconvenient for me to give him my debit card. I did--reluctantly--give him my card. But, I wasn't nice enough about it.
Anyone have suggestions of how I can discuss this with my husband in a non-confrontational manner? I know I want to keep some boundaries (I don't want his forgetfulness, losing things, etc to inconvenience me.) I want projects done, but I don't want to nag. I also don't want to be a "blind cheerleader." By this, I think I mean I'm trying to support/appreciate actions but am a little skeptical of words/promises. (I don't get too excited if he says he is going to do something.) Finally, I don't want to pretend everything is OK or just try to do everything myself.
doublej - your words say it clearly
Submitted by jennalemone on
You have said what is the main sadness on these boards so well. Everything you wrote about I have thought or felt...exactly.
Sorry about my edit of this. I re-read it and see I was ranting, possibly unfairly.
And they shouldn't....to a point
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
I know I want to keep some boundaries (I don't want his forgetfulness, losing things, etc to inconvenience me.)
<<<<
And they shouldn't inconvenience you....to a point. I'm guessing that you gave him your debit card because he needed to leave on his business trip.
In that case, you had to do it. His job depended on him going on this trip. There are times when you do have to rescue....when the stakes are really high....like a breadwinner's job.
If he couldn't find his wallet and was leaving to go golfing, then you may not feel the need to be inconvenienced. And rightfully so. In that case, why should you have to spend the day w/o your debit card just so he can still go golfing.
Yes...and
Submitted by doublej on
Yes, I gave my husband the debit card, but that wasn't really my main question. The debit card (losing things often) was just an example of frustrating behavior that I can't seem to address with my husband in a productive manner.
I think that if some behaviors are frustrating, disappointing or hurtful to your spouse (it goes both ways), you should be able to talk about it and try to come up with a solution or compromise. Sometimes it can be painful to address, but oftentimes there can be a quick fix. Right now, it feels like any "complaint" or request I might have is interpreted as me not being a supportive wife.
For example, I have a "complaint" that my husband has playing a video game too much--to the point of neglecting other things. So yesterday morning, I asked my husband, "Do you think you could stay off the video game tonight?" (I think I asked gently...he thinks I used a tone...I can't say which one is real.) This turned into a big fight about....everything. My asking him to not play video games for 3 hours meant that I wasn't supportive. I wasn't empathetic to his need to relax after a grinding day at work. I wanted him to slave away for me and my "to do list." I don't want him to have any fun...I just want him to work!work!work!...I place all these expectations on him..I take away his hobbies...I won't let him spend time with his friends...I reject him as a whole person..etc, etc. (BTW he's been playing this game every day for the past month and I once asked him to mow our lawn that hadn't been cut in 3 weeks.)
These over-the-top emotional outbursts just shut me down. Then he wonders why I avoid him. Or why it takes me so long to "get over it."
I should say that my husband isn't always like this. Most of the time we are on an even keel. But he lashes out about two times a year and he just unloads all this....stuff.
Next time....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
So yesterday morning, I asked my husband, "Do you think you could stay off the video game tonight?" (I think I asked gently...he thinks I used a tone...I can't say which one is real.)
>>>
Ahh..."the tone". Yes, we're often accused of using a "tone" even if there wasn't one. When I need to say something that I know H won't like, I record myself so that I have proof whether I used a tone or not.
The reason they "think" they're hearing a "tone" is because they find the message "jarring". It makes them "feel bad"....it makes them "feel guilty".....so in their mind, you MUST have used a tone. Eve if you didn't ...
>>>>This turned into a big fight about....everything. My asking him to not play video games for 3 hours meant that I wasn't supportive. <<<<
lol....you're supposed to be supportive of excessive video game playing?
>>>
I wasn't empathetic to his need to relax after a grinding day at work.
>>>
Well, then instead of asking him to "stay off", ask him if he can do XXX after one hour of playing. If he agrees, and COMMITS to that, then set a timer.
One thing that I think is LACKING with in many of these type conflicts (wasting hours and hours TV/Video games while letting obligations slide) is the respect for one's word or promises. Again, this is something that I think needs to start in childhood. If you make a promise or give your "word" that you will do XX by a certain date or time, then only an emergency should break that promise. Goofing off isn't an excuse.
>>>
I wanted him to slave away for me and my "to do list."
>>>
H used to say that crap until I finally got it thru his thick head that my list is OUR list. H once told me that buying our baby's first crib was "my expense". lolololol uh...no. It's OUR expense...it's OUR baby.
<<<<
I don't want him to have any fun...I just want him to work!work!work!...I place all these expectations on him..I take away his hobbies...I won't let him spend time with his friends...I reject him as a whole person..etc, etc. (BTW he's been playing this game every day for the past month and I once asked him to mow our lawn that hadn't been cut in 3 weeks.)
<<<
Years ago, I started marking on the calendar how often H went golfing, went to the gym, and went to play tennis....just so I would have proof that he was doing all of this...too much.
I am the one with the ADHD in
Submitted by davidha on
I am the one with the ADHD in my household. The hardest thing my wife (KC)had to do was seperate the person from the ADHD. She handles that a lot better than I do. I am learning. I too procrastinate on many many projects around the inside of the house. Some are over three years old. I love doing things outside. I feel like I have all the time in the world. I do not. KC does not nag, although I think she does, but holds me accountable for the projects I have started and have still yet to finish. I love my wife dearly and the anger at her it is not really her but it is anger at myself that I take out on her. Does that make sense. KC has said she will help me reprogram my brain. I need to because she is worth it.
Good luck and peace. Keep your sanity and your sense of humor.
My Life Too
Submitted by SunshineSC on
Sounds like you are writing a page from my life! My hubby is also playing video games every day and does exactly the same things that you described. I think its a passive aggressive response that I get every time I speak to him.