This is my first post --
I'm wondering about others experience with social support from friends/family. I find that I'm unable to talk to anyone about my ADHD BF of 10 years without getting negative reactions from them, which leaves me feeling judged, not supported. I love him dearly and truly believe in our relationship, but it would be nice if I could discuss the real challenges of ADHD without being looked down on as a weak/codependent woman. Honestly, this sense of isolation is the main reason I am on this forum.
Judgement comes in many forms. My mom compared him to my ADHD step-father, who doesn't have a good personality with or without ADHD. It's hard to explain how ADHD is not who you are, it's not your personality. Some fixate on the fact that he doesn't have a job although my complaints are mainly emotional, not financial. One person said in an attempt at empathy, "I would be just devastated if something was wrong with my brain, with my thinking...that's who I am." He has made occasional rude or inappropriate comments to my friends out of impulsivity, and isn't really good at friendships in general, which leads my friends to dislike him entirely. Part of it is the stigma about mental health issues and the perception of ADHD as "laziness." They seem to think he should just work through it. The perception is "we all have struggles, look at me, look at what I've accomplished. He should be able to do the same." Of course they don't say this to my face. They know that I will defend him and that criticizing him will just cause a fight. So basically, I stay silent about my relationship with everyone. I find myself guarded even with new friends or coworkers.
The worst of it is feeling pitied, or feeling like they think I'm co-dependent, needy, obsessive, weak. They think I'm not strong enough to leave, when I never had any need or desire to leave. I'm extremely proud of my relationship, and very much in love. I just wish that I could count on my friends and family for support in my relationship. Every relationship has flaws, and ours happen to be related to ADHD.
Does anyone else have this issue???
Your not alone
Submitted by Whip lash on
Hi I completly understand what your going through, my partner can be hard work and can really upset me by times I feel like I can't talk to my mother who I am very close with I feel she can be very judgemental instead of been understanding. When your having problems I feel I like to talk to someone who can give me helpful advice and sometimes just listen. My best friend is no good either she judges me and says my bf would not treat me like that and call me a push over I understands she does not like to see me upset but when I go to her for support it's not what I need to hear! So I've found talking to my partners family who know him best helps a lot his mam and sister help me and listen to me and give me great advice they can do this because they know what I'm going through maybe you should try if you can and talk to your bf family . I also have one friend I find does not judge me she just listens and it's a great feeling to be able to talk to someone who just listens to you. Hope this has helped x
Isolation is hard
Submitted by SilverLight on
I totally understand what you are saying - the isolation is horrible, not only within the relationship due to communication issues, stop start chaos - in my case but also from friends and family. My partner more than likely has ADHD but denies it as often as he promises to make changes and get support other than me. My whole life feels like it revolves around it - it doesn't but he has the attention, in friendships and family he has the attention too and they only see the fun, charming, helpful words and do not accept the real life difficulties. His family have been told, but said nothing and in the end it is unsupportive to me, they almost encourage tendancies that create low self esteem for him and hurt for me - they don't expect him to initiate things, treat him like a teenager and dont take our relationship seriously :(
I have one friend who understands, because she has a son with similar issues. I feel like the unsupported one at times, people say, what's your problem, they dont see the negative impulsivity, mood swings, lack of purpose, they see fun, bright active man in limited time slots on hyperfocus - the minute we leave he is sullen, stressed from high energy etc. It's hard
thank you
Submitted by Smokey on
Thanks for the kind words and commiseration. Whiplash, thanks for the advice. I do think I could talk to his family if I could get my courage up, but I hadn't really thought of that before. I can be so private but I have a good relationship with his family so that might be a good option. SilverLight, I'm sorry the family is so difficult. I know what you mean, feeling like your life revolves around it. With all the time I spend on forums alone, I wonder, what else could I be doing with my time? It does help to learn and read about ADHD though.
I think part of it is my fault, too. Over the years, long before we knew about ADHD, I think I trained myself to become very defensive and protective over my relationship. I'm trying to work on this, be more open and honest with people and give them the chance to be kind. But it's hard, especially since I can be so emotional, and every time he is rejected by someone, I feel the pain as well. SilverLight, I think we have the opposite problem. My BF is very antisocial and has a hard time connecting with people, so I feel like I'm defending him, trying to convince others that he is a good person and a good BF. But, the end result is the same: feeling isolated.